I incorporate the energetic aspect of sex strongly into the work I do with private clients and in workshops. Personally I believe that without this understanding of sex it’s very difficult to correct problems and to move towards reaching your sexual potential.

 

The energetic traditions I draw from are both Tantric and Taoist, as well as my own experiences in the martial arts, particularly aikido (which translates as ‘the way of harmony’ and which is extraordinarily like sex, in the sense that is simultaneously still and moving, physical and spiritual, strong and soft, and constantly requiring connection and flow).

 

There are some very useful analogies about sexual energy and I love to share with modern people that they generally find quite illuminating. Here’s one:

 

‘Women are soft on the outside and strong on the inside, whereas men are strong on the outside and soft on the inside’.

 

Some people have an immediate negative reaction to this as there is a strong belief in our society, particularly among intelligent, well-educated people, that men and women are equal. Agreed, we are equal, but we are not the same. Vive la difference! Sure we should have social, political, economic, educational, etc, equality. But that does not mean that men and women are the same. In fact, it’s the dynamic tension between the male and female energies that keeps sex strong and powerful in a relationship (in same-sex relationships there needs to be a similar dynamic working, just not so overtly male-female).

 

So ideally in a sexual encounter the man opens up his strong exterior and invites the woman into his soft interior where she can completely let go safe inside the space he’s created and let her strength manifest, resulting in extraordinary sexual responses.

 

Interestingly, what is happening energetically is the opposite of what’s happening physically: physically the man enters the woman, energetically the woman enters the man (and how scary and vulnerable can that make the man!)

 

Note, I am in no way implying that this means the woman becomes pathetic, passive, weak or any thing like that. Nor that the man becomes aggressive, domineering, macho, etc. No, they both realise their possibilities and potentials. They can completely meet as equals, and through that express their real selves.

 

In this way both people can let themselves go and submit to the experience. Then, and only then, can the magic begin!

 

Similarly, in a relationship, the man holds the space in which the woman can blossom and reach her potential. He’s like the pot and she’s the plant, so  it’s essential that she has a pot big enough to hold her or she will be limited in life (a story all too familiar…).

 

If, as so many women in our society feel they’ve had to do, she tries to be like a man and be strong on the outside,, and thereby deny her softness and hide her inner strength, it will be hard for her to enter into him and feel his support. She’ll feel she’s doing it all on her own which is tiring and brittle, and ultimately she will feel the lack of connection with her man and they will bounce off each other (if he’s maintaining his strength on the outside) or she’ll feel nothing from him if he’s turned too feminine and gone soft on the outside (unless they’re in the minority of couples where the inverse energies are functioning).

 

It’s so important for modern people to come fully into the strength of their masculine and feminie energies. It’s a challenge because the feminine has been so devalued in our society that women often feel they’d become weak if they allowed their true feminine to manifest. Similarly many are aware of the unequal powers in our patriarchal society, so try to tone down their masculinity.

 

So, as I ask so many of my clients and workshop participants, and here I’m asking you: how does feel if to be fully into your masculine energy or feminine energy? If you don’t know, how might it feel?

 

I can tell you, it feels powerful, it feels good, it feels whole.

 

What would it feel for you to feel whole?

  There’s a great article I wrote (she says modestly) in the latest edition of Men’s Health Magazine on Sex for Busy People.

 

I’m going to summarise it here, and if you want to read more buy the magazine (March edition) or download it here.  Or buy my book “Sex Secrets for Busy People" from my bookshop and get the whole low-down!

 

 

Demands from the boss all day, pressures to achieve deadlines, squeeze in the gym, race home, deal with the kids, deal with the wife’s issues, check in on the internet, veg out for a TV show (if you’re lucky) , yeah yeah, help get the house ready for tomorrow, hope for a shag, into bed, roll over – and the wife’s asleep (or pretending)….

 

Not a pretty scenario, not one that will lead to fantastic sex. What to do?

 

Follow these five steps to sex in the time of chaos:

 

 

1. Forget sponteneity!

 

This has got to be the biggest myth out there about sex, that it’s got to be spontaneous to be good. That’s like saying the best footy game or the best meal or the best party comes spontaneously! No. Everything good in life takes planning, focus and effort - health does, wealth does, so does sex.

 

 

2.  Sex starts way before the bedroom

 

Planned or not, it’s not going to happen if you think that getting into bed, rolling over and saying “how about it love” maybe with a tweak or two of her nipple is enough.

 

Oh no, sex needs to start way before the bedroom. In a way, it never stops. I call it living life as foreplay, so that you keep intimacy and erotic tension alive throught the day. To quote Ester Perel: “Eroticism extends way beyond the sexual act.”

 

 

3. Transition from boardroom to bedroom

 

A hugely important part of this is to allow yourself to transition from boardroom to bedroom. Even if you with your more pressing male libido feel you can transform from worker to stud in moments, chances are your lady love can’t. You have to transition from the busyness of everyday life, you have to chill.

 

 

4.  Let your environment turn you on

 

We’re very sensory creatures, affected positively or negatively by our surroundings. So make sure your surroundings enhance your sexual desire. In particular, turn your bedroom into a boudoir, a sanctuary away from the stress of life, a place that when you enter, you leave the world behind.

 

 

5.  Sex is playtime for adults

 

(To misquote Oscar Wilde) Sex is far too important to be taken seriously - keep it light and playful!

 

You see, it’s not the sponteneity or otherwise that makes sex good, it’s what happens when you have sex. So you have to use your imagination. Experiment with positions, places, procedures and props.

 

 

So let’s take a look at that opening scene again, with this new knowledge…

 

…You come home, take the dog for a short walk to relax, return for a family dinner around the table, then after the kids are in bed you and wife forget the housework because you decided tonight’s the night. So you bring her a glass of wine while she’s having a bath, give her a foot massage then light the candles, by the time she arrives at the sensuously lit bedroom with you reclining on the bed she’s quite happy to have you ask her to drop her robe and move over to the bed….and the rest is up to you imagination.

 

Perennial boredom or exquisite pleasure? Busyness is no excuse. It’s your choice.

 

Why a “Blackbelt” in the Bedroom?

 

As you’ll have noticed, I'm about to launch seminars for Men Only called Blackbelt in the Bedroom. Obviously the title is catchy (what man wouldn’t want to be a blackbelt in the bedroom?) and that’s why I’m using it, but commericial cynicism aside, there are very good reasons why I’m chosen the term “blackbelt”.

 

For a start, I am a blackbelt in aikido, a second level blackbelt in fact (about to go third level when I decided to have babies instead). I’ve also studied judo and various kung-fus plus done workshops on many other styles of martial arts. It’s effectively where I got my energetic training, which I now apply to sexual relations and which has the same basis as the Tantric and Taoist approaches to sexuality.

 

To some people the concept of a martial artist is of an aggressive violent fighter. However, it’s completely the opposite. A true warrior is not some pyscho maniac, think more of the red indian brave, the knight of old, the samurai, Mel Gibson in Braveheart… A top martial artist is completely in control, centred and flowing with the energy of the encounter. Just what sex should be. He’s not in his head thinking about what’s going on, he’s completely connected to his opponent, completely absorbed in what’s going on. He’s not following set routines or patterns, he’s creatively moving with the energy of the encounter. He’s still when he needs to be, he’s active when he needs to be, he moves how and when he needs to, completely in the moment.

 

This is how sex should be. Unfortunately too many men are well down among the coloured belts. Since I’ve spent countless hours talking to men about their sex lives, and to their partners, and I'm the Men’s Health Magazine sex columnist, and I’ve done so much research into sex, from the scientific to the Tantric to kink, I’ve got a pretty good idea about what makes a man a Blackbelt in the Bedroom.

 

That is a man who embodies the Four ‘C’s: he’s connected, confident, creative and in control.

 

To get to that level, he needs to master the Five ‘S’s:

1)    Self,

2)    Study of Woman,

3)    Seduction,

4)    Skills and

5)    Spice.

 

Those are in order of importance, and also in order of difficulty. Our society tends to focus on the last couple, techniques and props, but those are actually the least important. The most important is the knowledge of self, and the ability to be centred and able to take a step back to hold the space for the woman. The next is knowledge of woman, understanding her not just physically, but also psychologically and energetically, really understanding the differences between men and women and utilising those differences. Then there is the art of seduction, which is not just for new lovers, but is an on-going never-ending part of relationship. Then the sex skills come in, manual, oral and penile, and finally ways to spice up and expand your sexual repertoire.

 

Now that’s not all going to happen from one three-hour seminar! But it will help you along the way. It does take application. The master of any art, whether it’s a martial art or other sport, painting, cooking, woodwork, whatever, is completely dedicated. It’s the same with mastering the Art of Sex.

 

 

Penis Size

 

I seem to have been talking penis size a lot lately. So here’s an adaption of an article I wrote for Men’s Health Magazine last year, on how penises of all sizes can be used to good effect.

 

They come in all shapes and sizes, and all with the same intention in mind – to have great sex. But with all the variation, which penises are the most effective, and does size really matter?

 

To stimulate the vagina a penis needs to touch the sides, so girth is an important factor. Some penises are thick enough to fill most women, some are too thick for comfort, and a large proportion need deft handling to reach the good spots, not being thick enough to fill all around (although that also depends on the size of the vagina in question, there’s considerable variation in capacity and muscle tautness there too).

 

But never fear, if your girth is less than ideal, it’s more about how you weld your weapon than its size. So here are some tips for guys of all sizes:

 

 

Modest

 

Prove your skills as a lover before she gets to see your member. She’ll already be impressed and size won’t be a big issue. She’ll also be good and aroused, and a well-aroused vagina is a responsive vagina, so her muscles are more likely to naturally clamp around your penis, increasing sensation. Your advantage in the penile size stakes is that you can move around a lot and get to the good areas. So add rotating, screwing motions to your thrusts, particularly when you’re on top so that you’re stimulating all around her vagina and her clitoral area at the same time. (Another bonus – you get the best blow jobs because she can do so much more with your more managable size!)

 

 

Average

 

No surprises here. Your partner is not going to get distracted by the size or otherwise of your member and neither are you, you’ve got no need to feel either worried or smug about what‘s on offer. You can try any position, any way you like it. So get creative!

 

For you and your more modestly sized brothers, you can get in deeper by getting your pelvis in as aclose a possible, so you want her legs as far apart as she can. She can hold them or you can. With you kneeling and her on her back, you can lift up her legs, hook them over your arms and get in good and deep. From behind is another good position if her bottom is up high and her chest down low. Her on top is also good as she can move herself around and sink down good and deep. Avoid standing poses.

 

 

Well-proportioned

 

There’s no denying it, you’ve definitely got the advantage here. But…avoid complacency! While the sight of your impressive member might make a girl swoon in anticipation, if that’s all you’ve got on offer your sex might get dull after a while. Yes, it fills a girl up nicely while still having the finesse to move around and get to the good bits inside. But it’s not all about the penis. Make sure you develop your all round skills as a lover.

 

 

Blessed/Cursed

 

You’d get hired on a porn set in an instant, but the reality is that your massive member is more likely to make a girl faint with shock than swoon with pleasure! Unfortunately a very large penis doesn’t always feel great, it can hurt on entry and can make the girl feel simply stuffed, without the subtlely of sensation she gets from smaller penises. Kind of like using a bulldozer to do a bob-cat’s work. So the advice is quite similar to that of your modestly hung brothers – prove your skills as a lover before she gets to your member, so that she’s already turned on and interested, and therefore less likely to turn tail and run! Make sure she’s well aroused and well lubricated before you enter. Take it slowly, let her guide the initial depth and speed. You’re going to have to be a true gentleman of a lover, chivalrous and gentle, and she’s going to love that!

 

I’m calling for female Volunteers to participate in a study I’m conducting on female sexual archetypes. I’ll use the results to refine my concepts and provide information for the book I’m working on to do with female sexuality and particularly female sexuality.

 

Through all my clinical work, running women’s sexual empowerment workshops, and generally talking pretty well non-stop about sex with all sorts of people, it’s clear to me that many women lack sexual confidence and they have difficulty expressing themselves sexually.

 

Often women have very limited ideas of how they can express themselves sexuality, often the choice is as limited as the ‘porn star’ or the ‘prude’, other women can only express themselves in reaction to their partner.

 

One reason for this could be the lack of ‘acceptable’ ways for a woman to express herself sexually in this society, or simply a lack of understanding of the breadth of possibilities.

 

Conversely some women are very confident and expressive.

 

So why are these women different? Certainly there are personality differences and belief systems that affect a woman’s sexual confidence and expression. What I’m wondering though, iw whether there is a common underlying ‘potential’ in all women, which some are more successfully tapping into than others?

 

 

Hypothesis

 

My hypothesis is that we do have sexual archetypes innate within us. These are aspects of ourselves common to all women, which can be tapped into to enable a more real, broader and more fulfilling sexual expression.

 

I have identified 14 distinct female sexual archetypes. These have been identified based on seven sets of opposing energies. Each archetype has a different energy ‘signature’, with a different form of feeling and expression.

 

These archetypes are not role-plays, they come from within. So whereas a role-play is more of an outside-in expression, an archetype is more of an inside-out expression. It’s something real within the woman, rather than an act she’s doing for entertainment. (Although it’s likely that in some cases it might be hard to know if one is an act or real, and maybe there’s an element of ‘fake it till you make’, with a play-act becoming something real.)

 

I’m sure there are certain archetypes that an individual woman resonates most strongly to, some that she could tap into at times, and others that don’t feel right at all. One of the questions I’m looking to answer is whether all these archetypes are in everyone and can be accessed by everyone, or not.

 

I surmise that the archetypes can make sex more varied and enjoyable in general. I’m also curious to know whether certain ones can be channelled to assist in certain situations. For instance:

• the tired new mother who can’t be bothered might channel her inner Vamp to be more self-focused and self-indulgent sexually;
• a woman whose partner is complaining she never initiates might find her inner Dominatrix comes in useful;
• a woman wanting to try something new might feel less self-conscious if she channels her inner Bimbo with a ditzy “well, whatever, let’s give this a go!”;
• a woman might give her partner a completely focused treat on his birthday by channeling her inner Courtesan;
• a woman who’s newly single after a long relationship might find it easier to get dating again by channeling her inner Bawd (party girl);
• a woman who finds she’s too maliable by men might find channeling her inner Ice Queen a useful way to give herself space; 
• a woman who finds she has trouble letting go during sex and reaching her orgasmic potential, might channel her inner Wild Cat;
• and I believe every woman should know her inner Bombshell, that part of her that simply emanates sexuality without doing a thing…

Approach

To get more information on these concepts I’m asking female voluneeters to see what happens when they try to access a particular archetype for a week at a time. I’ll provide detailed descriptions of my understanding of the archetype, plus visualisations and affirmations. Then throughout the week each Volunteer will note how she feels about accessing this archetype, noting things such as:

• is it easy or difficult;
• what helped or hindered;
• does it feel natural, a true expression of self, or more of a role-play;
• did it help or hinder her sexual confidence, her sexual expression;
• how did it affect her desire for sex;
• how did it affect her responsiveness in sex (ie arousal and orgasm);
• did it affect her in non-sexual situations;
• how did her partner, or others, react;
• are there particular situations where she feels accessing this archetype would be helpful?

 

Volunteers are asked to do a minimum of four archetypes, including ones they resonate easily with and ones they don’t. At the end of the week each Volunteer will fill in a simple form describing her experience and send it to me. I will use the information supplied to refine my concepts, and for material for my book, tentatively titled ‘HERS’.

 

Participation in the study is completely confidential, and all material will be used confidentially, unless otherwise agreed with the volunteer in question.

 

This material may also be used for further academic and research purposes with the intent of developing a practical methodology for clinical practice. The same confidentiality will of course apply.

If you're interested in volunteering, please contact me. And please spread the word, the more women involved the more valid and useful the results!

(And yes, there will be a men's study later.)

I had the most unexpectedly delightful experience earlier this week, I attended a two-day Partnered Yoga training course. I’d only heard about it a couple of days before and thought “Yes, this would be so relevant to my work!” So after managing to sort out the kids (still being school holidays) I found myself on Monday morning literally entwined with the most gorgeous man, Gopala Amir Yaffa, the course leader.

 

I’ve done yoga ever since I was a kid, and I love it. It’s great for getting in tune with your body, for keep it lithe and flexible and for stilling the mind and achieving deep relaxation. Brilliant stuff. However, because it is a solitary activity I’ve always found it a little unsatisfying because there is no interaction.

 

I also trained and taught martial arts for years, particularly Aikido. That I found deeply satisfying because there is so much interaction with others. It is absolutely essential that you open yourself to feeling and receiving your partner’s energy so that you can use and move with it. It was brilliant training for applying to sexual situations, and forms the basis of my energetic abilities in all spheres of life and the work I do with people. (Although the fact that it entails hours of being slammed into a mat means it's not everyone's cup of tea...!)

 

So what a pleasant change to do yoga in such an interactive way! And to meet someone who has such a similar approach to life, sensuality and sexuality. A keen proponent of Tantra, Gopala brilliantly combines the still, spiritual aspects of yoga with playful, fun and interactive elements. (His other area of yoga expertise is kids yoga, and you can see the playful overlap!)

 

As he puts it, partnered yoga can be done in a regular class in a completely platonic way, so that class members can experience the poses differently and also get to know each other better and add more liveliness and fun to the class.

 

Partnered yoga between lovers though, can be deeply erotic. This is what interests me.

 

I’m always looking for ways to help couples connect. If you’ve done my Luscious Lovers workshops you’ll know that it’s all about connection and that by deepening connection you heighten eroticism. Which is why dance and massage are so good. Partnered yoga expands the options. It’s very much about connection, about knowing your partner, about harmonising - not to mention potentially becoming more sexually flexible and creative !

 

I’ll incorporate aspects into my work with people, but since I’m not a yoga teacher it will just be elements. So I’m hoping that when Gopala is next in Australia mid-year he’ll run a workshop for all my contacts so everyone can experience it.

 

And even more exciting, we’re looking at running a retreat in Bali together which will combine partnered yoga with the energetic and sensory arousing aspects of my work. Plus the fabulous international dancing star Donna Wild will teach the simple and sensuous dance style of Zouk in the evenings. It’s going to be so gorgeous. That will be in early 2011, so start saving for this luscious, empowering experience!

 

Check out Gopala’s site at: www.sunmoonpartneryoga.com

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A friend asked me recently what my top 10 tips for a vagina would be. Good question, I thought. So many women feel disconnected from their genitals, don’t have a good feeling about them. We don’t even have a decent word for them, often using the word “vagina’ to apply to the whole genital area. So here I use the word ‘vagina’ to apply to just the vagina, and as to the whole of the genitals..? Well, read on!

 

 

1. Honour It. The female genitals are the source of life. Other than a small input by the man at the start, the whole process of creating life takes place in the female genitals. That would have to be the most awesome thing in the entire universe!

 

2. Name It. For such an awesome part of the body, it’s incredible that we don’t have a decent name, other than ‘genitals’ which is a pretty ugly word. Even in casual talk there are not a lot of strong gorgeous names. We often refer to our ‘bits’, ‘down there’, ‘private parts’ or ‘nether regions’. It’s to relate to an area of your body that you can’t even name! So give it a name: it’s my fanny or my quim, my yoni, qualia, bajingo, honey-pot, cinnebar crevasse….Even my cunt, because originally the meaning of the word cunt was “to beguile a man with one’s feminine charms”, which is rather a wonderful concept.

 

3. Understand It.I think one of the reasons women don’t feel so good about their quim/farfalla/bajingo is because they don’t know how incredible it is. Women are built for extreme sexual pleasure! The anatomy, the physiology, the energetics. Once you understand that, and realise what you’re sexual potential is, then wow, you’re going to love it. Do you know how big your clitoris is? Most of it is on the inside! Do you know how much engorging material there is down there? How orgasms work? How you can go beyond normal orgasm to an orgasmic state? All thanks to your amazing bajingo.

 

4. Incorporate It. It’s part of your body, so feel it as part of your body. Close your eyes and and go over every part of it in your mind, both the inside and the otuside. Explore it with your hands and fingers. Take a good look at it in the mirror. When you can recline in front of a mirror with legs wide apart and look and say to yourself “Mmm, that is gorgeous!”, then you’ll know it’s part of you.

 

5. Pamper It.Our bodies love and deserve to be pampered. It’s so good for the soul. Your honey-pot is part of your body and deserves that pampering too. So if you’re in a hot bath, part your legs and allow the warmth to wash over it. If you’re in the ocean, part your legs and allow the salty sting of the water to caress it. When you apply creams to you body, slather yourself all over (no creams or oils on the inside though). When making love with your partner, request/invite/allow it to be touched/massaged/embraced.

 

6. Pleasure It. Our genitals are made for pleasure. The clitoris has no purpose at all, other than to provide exquisite pleasure. The mass of nerves, engorging material, lubricating and wetting functions, all conspire to show that our fannys and meant to be used for pleasure. So do so. With another or on your own. Particularly on your own. The womanly art of self-pleasuring is so important to self-loving and self-honouring. See my video on self pleasuring if you need advice on how to do this.

 

7. Listen to It.This is particularly in relation to having sex. One of the biggest problems I’ve noticed with people’s sex lives is that they move too fast. You have to listen to your body and in particular to your quim to know when you’re ready to move on. So you don’t start to kiss until your mouth is drawn to your partner’s. You don’t allow your breasts to be touched until you feel them lifting and moving towards your partner, wanting to be touched. You don’t allow your qualia to be touched until you feel your hips raising and your legs opening. And you don’t allow your partner to enter you until you feel your cinnebar crevasse yearning for his jade stalk, your yoni invites in his lingam, your cunt is dripping with desire for his cock… If you’re not really feeling it, don’t go there.

 

Now some tips on keeping it in good shape:

 

8. Squeeze It.There’s a band of muscle that goes from your pubic bone to your tail bone. It’s important to keep it toned as it does some very important things. Firstly, it holds all your internal organs in place. If you don’t keep those muscles toned, your vagina might fall out when you get old. I kid you not, vaginal prolapse can happen to older women.Secondly, the contraction of these muscles is an important part of orgasm. The more toned the muscles, the better the orgasm. So ladies – squeeze! And squeeze some more! Imagine you’re stopping urine from flowing, those are the muscles to use. Squeeze rhythmically, then squeeze and hold a few seconds, then squeeze progressively tighter, keeping your abdominal muscles relaxed.

 

 

9. Rest It.Rest is such an important part of health and wellbeing. It applies to your vagina too. It’s good to give it a rest. Particularly during your period. In many traditional cultures women would take time out during their period to relax and rest, often with other women. This is not as many anthropologists have interpreted it because the women were considered ‘unclean’ at that time, but because it was a sacred time for a woman to go within. We modern women would benefit from doing the same. Take it easy during your period, especially the heavier days. Avoid exerting yourself, be peaceful, and avoid genital stimulation, especially intercourse. Get into the rhythm of your cycle, be aware of the ebbs and flows of your energy and work with those flows, rather than ignoring them or fighting them.

 

 

10. Let it flow.And finally, on the topic of menstruration, let it flow. I do believe modern women try to hide to ignore and hide their cycles excessively. Tampons have their place, but if you let the blood flow, you’ll get more in touch with your body. So rest and let the blood flow during your period, and you’ll find more energy and more intuitive flow in the rest of your life.

I'm on a writing retreat working on my next book to do with female sexuality (stay tuned - the muse is flowing!), and have been looking over my past writings for inspiration. I came across this one on sex and spirituality, which is so good that I've decided to reprint it here.

I’m often asked about spiritual sex, and terms like ‘Tantric sex’ are the most commonly googled requests that link to my website. I believe that to reach your sexual potential you’ve got to be open to the spiritual elements. So let’s talk sex and spirituality.

 

‘Bliss’,  ‘ecstasy’,  ‘connection’, ‘union’, ‘transcendence’, ‘losing self’, ‘merging with the universe’…

 

What do you suppose I’m describing here?

a)    A spiritual experience

b)    A sexual experience

c)    Both

 

The answer is (c). Not all sexual experiences are spiritual and not all spiritual experiences are sexual, but there is a strong connection, and when the too merge the sex is truly awesome.

 

For many of us in western culture this seems at odds, because we’re often brought up to believe that sexuality and spirituality are opposites, that one is base and ‘bad’ and the other is lofty and ‘good’, that to get to the spiritual we have to overcome the sexual.

 

So instead of embracing our sexuality, which is an intrinsic part of being human, we at best trivialise it and at worse deny it. Which means that instead of a whole healthy society we have one that is obsessed with superficial sexuality and full of people with dysfunctional attitudes and behaviours around sex.

 

Sex is not meant to be like this. Sexual energy is our basic life energy. We all come from orgasm. Denying or corrupting it damages our selves. It’s far better to embrace our sexuality and experience life-affirming and life-enhancing sex.

 

You see, sex has three purposes. The first is reproduction. That’s a wonderful thing, but it’s not the essence of human sex, all animals have sex to reproduce. The second is pleasure. Our bodies are sexual pleasure machines, we are designed to experience exquisitely delicious sex. The third is personal transformation. By deepening the intimacy and heightening the erotic, we are capable of having sex that is far more than a physical joining of the genitals. We can have sex that takes us far above the physical rutting of animals, way up into the realm of the angels.

 

This type of sex can be called ‘high sex’, I think of it as ‘deep sex’, it’s definitely spiritual sex. Whatever you call it, you have to realise that it doesn’t just ‘happen’ (although plenty of people have experienced a glimpse of this possibility), just as blissful transcendent spiritual experiences rarely occur spontaneously. You have to cultivate deep sex.

 

For a start, you have to be truly present in the experience. For a society that increasingly views sex as a performance activity, this can be hard to achieve, because to be present you have to be out of your head and into your body, you have to turn off the incessant monkey chatter. Spiritual sex does not happen if you’re constantly thinking about whether you’re doing it ‘right’ or if you’re worried about your bits jiggling or whether you ‘should’ or ‘shouldn’t’ be doing a particular act.

 

By being present you become more intuitively attuned to your partner, so the sex flows. You also become more sensually aware, so the sensual aspects of sex are heightened. You’re also more likely to take it slow, delighting in every exquisite morsel of the experience. Our society tends to focus on the peaks of sex, the harder-faster-louder side of sex, which of course is good, but it’s only half the story. The valleys of sex, the slow, sensual, deep aspects are at least as glorious and often more ecstatic, and the sensations linger longer….

 

When you practice sex like this, it can go on for hours, and the sensations go beyond our normal concept of orgasmic. Too many of us see orgasm as the point of sex, believing that all the preliminaries just lead up to the grand finale of the big O. In spiritual sex orgasm is an outcome of sex (often many times over) not the point, and certainly not necessarily the end. The heightened states of arousal reached can transcend the usual experience of orgasm, so the feeling extends way past the genitals into the body and beyond, and potentially for a very long time. In fact, experiencing sex like this means you carry the bliss into the rest of your life, so that the whole of life becomes an extended experience of sexual and orgasmic energy.

 

I’m not advocating some hippie herbal version of sex here where it’s all about worshipping the god/dess in each other and dancing around in sarongs to Indian sacred chants (although that can be good too). This sex can occur anywhere - in a bondage parlour, for instance, or in a back alley up against a wall, or even a simple late-night cuddle under the sheets - if it’s part of a life lived in a heightened state of spiritual and sexual awareness.

 

You see, high sex incorporates the intimate and erotic, in fact you can’t really have erotic without the intimate. True intimacy is about showing your real self and surrendering to the experience. If you’re playing a role, or if you hold yourself back out of fear of your partner’s reaction, or a belief that certain acts are ‘bad’ (some are, I’m assuming consenting acts between living adult humans here), then you won’t be able to open yourself, to surrender yourself, to experience the sublime.

 

Spiritual growth involves an ever deeper knowing of oneself. A centre, a presence, a union with wholeness of the universe, an experience of self as selfless, of loss of self. There are many paths to this awareness, sex is one of the most accessible and beautiful paths to spiritual awareness and growth.

 

I encourage you to start the journey…

 

 

I'm on holidays at beautiful Whale Beach, feeling quite mellow and life is slow and gentle. I've been musing on how rare that experience is in life in general, and on how sex is one of the few areas in life where we can be slow and gentle, mellow and yummy. Unfortunately too many people think that sex is supposed to be intense to be good. It can be, but it doesn't have to be.

So I thought I'd write my next blog post on the topic of Slow Sex. But being on holidays I'm feeling a little lazy, and thought that I'd use something I wrote earlier that is very relevant. Its theme is less about slow sex and more about removing the performance approach to sex, with the focus on giving each other orgasms, to getting into a state of flow that paradoxically can lead to more orgasms and/or to more ecstatic states of pleasure.

I call it 'beyond orgasm'. Orgasms are great, but there's better than that. To discover it you have to let go.

Here's what I wrote:

I’m often asked what I think the biggest problem people have with sex these days. I’d have to say it’s the performance model of sex, that it’s all about giving each other orgasms.

 

It’s not surprising so many people think sex is a performance activity, given how driven we are in this society, all driving harder, harder, faster, faster to achieve more and get more. It’s so exhausting! And leads to a number of problems in relation to sex:

 

First, if people think sex has to achieve something, but they’re not really feeling up to it, they might not bother.

 

Second, people get performance anxiety. This reduces their confidence and enthusiasm, which tends to result in less satisfactory sex (if any at all) and sets up a negative feedback loop of low sexual confidence.

 

Third, and most importantly, if you’re focused on the endpoint of sex you miss all the good points in between!

 

The point of sex is not orgasm. The point of sex is a complete luscious experience. Orgasm is a delicious outcome of sex, not the point of it.

 

Sex is a journey, not a destination.

 

Otherwise you might as well just masturbate. That’s the difference between solo sex and partnered sex – solo sex is generally just about orgasm, partnered sex has so many more aspects to it.

 

Great sex has peaks and troughs, softness and intensity. It’s all good. You have to get into the pleasure of the valley as much as the pleasure of the heights. The feelings are different, but the valleys can be just as orgasmic, in a gentler, exceptionally exquisite, blissful way.

 

Paradoxically, by savouring all the different aspects of sex, rather than just going for the one big O, you can experience more orgasms and more varied orgasms in the one sex session.

 

Men can too! One of the important steps for men in becoming multi-orgasmic is to fully experience both the valleys and the highs of sexual sensation and learn to appreciate sexual sensation in a whole body way, rather than being genitally focused (I’ll write more on that another time).

 

One other paradox, if you move away from this performance-oriented it’s-all-about-the orgasm style approach to sex, you’ll experience a wider range of sexual sensations – even without orgasm. For instance, the style of sex I call “Cup of Tea Sex” can be absolutely gorgeous, just gently lying together without much activity at all, just feeling close and bonded. Have you ever tried having sex without any intention to orgasm? Try it, in fact try it several nights in a row – just lie together, him inside her (spoon position is good, on your sides, her back to his front), and do nothing. You can both squeeze your pelvic floor muscles now and again to keep the erection, but move as little as possible. Align your breathing as you do it, and you’ll find it even more interesting. Do that for 15 minutes or so, see how it feels. This will get you learning to appreciate the quiet, soft, troughs. This is so different to what we usually think of as good sex that it might seem really odd at first, but do it every night for a week and I think you’ll find it’ll change the way you make love ever after. 

 

So, what makes for better sex? Relax, switch off your brain and get into the groove of sex, enjoying every exquisite moment – the highs, the lows and every point in between.

 

Enjoy!

This is an adaption of a post I made last new year when I was writing for Mindfood magazine. It's so relevant I thought it useful to reprint it here...


Happy new year readers! I hope you’ve had a wonderful festive season and have taken the time to look over your life and acknowledge where life is going well and identify those areas which could do with improving.

 

Hopefully you’ve gone so far as to make some new years resolutions. These are probably to do with health issues such as getting fit or drinking less, or to do with finance issues such as saving money or getting a raise. These are all very worthy resolutions and good on you for making them.

 

Here’s another one for you:

 

“I resolve to have better sex in 2009.”

 

Say it out loud. Go on, this is a practical exercise.

 

How did it feel? If it felt good and powerful and real, excellent, skip over to the check-list below. If it felt awkward or a bit silly or even embarrassing, then let’s take a moment to consider why you would feel that way.

 

Sex is a fundamental part of being human, and a good sex life has enormous benefits in terms of improved health and well-being, greater self-esteem, better relationships (and because of that a happier, healthier and saner society) – so why would it seem odd to resolve to improve your sex life? It’s simply a reflection of our sex-negative society. Because sex hasn’t been acknowledged as the important thing it is, in the same way as for instance good nutrition and a healthy bank balance have been, we tend not to focus on it with the same level of intent as other parts of life.

 

No-one would think you odd if you declared your resolve this year was to get fit or get a promotion. Yet if you declared your resolve is to have better sex…

 

So, ok, you don’t have to publicly declare this intention. It’s sad that this is the case, but never mind. If you have a partner, I strongly encourage you to make this declaration together, but you can do it alone if need be. Find a place where no-one can hear you, then state out loud:

“I/We resolve to have better sex in 2009.”

Excellent! That is a brilliant start to the year!

 

I can always tell which of my clients are going to make good progress, it's all to do with their attitude. The ones that come to me stating that they are taking the sex coaching on as a ‘project’ are the ones that do well. They know that they have to have a positive intention, take concrete action, and realise they are on a journey.

 

So, to get you started, here are some important points that are relevant to everyone in improving their sex life:

• -  Is your bedroom a boudoir, a sanctuary from real life? When you go to your bedroom do you feel you can relax? Is it attractive, comfortable, sensual? Does it have soft lighting, music?-  Do you set aside time in your week to make love? Do you allow yourselves time to unwind and relax so that you can get in the mood before making love?-  Do you wear clothes that make you feel attractive and sexy? Especially underwear and night wear?-  Do you self-pleasure regularly? Both in terms of pampering yourself and masturbating?-  Do you read books or watch movies that inspire your erotic fantasies? Do you allow yourself to enjoy your private fantasies?-  Do you read books, attend workshops or watch videos for educational purposes, to improve your knowledge and skills?-  Do you and your partner talk about your love life, about what you do and don’t like, what you’d like to try, how you’d like to make it better and better?

 

Take some time to think about what you personally can do to improve your sex life. Based on the list above this could include some shopping, redecorating, time allocating and activities for yourself – quite pleasurable on the whole!

 

If you have a partner, talk to him or her about this. Many couples do find it difficult to talk about their sex life, so start simply, perhaps with a discussion on redecorating the bedroom. Keep it light! Heavy discussions around sex are rarely conducive to improving the situation. Book in for a session with me if you're finding this challenging.

 

I also strongly encourage you to attend my workshops to improve your sexual confidence and knowledge: Luscious Lovers will be run on Valentine's Day, Sunday 14 February, and Saturday 17 April. Luscious Woman over the weekend of 27-28 March.

 

Together we can make 2010 your year for better sex (leading on to better and better sex in the years to come…)

 

It all starts with your resolve.