There’s a great article I wrote (she says modestly) in the latest edition of Men’s Health Magazine on Sex for Busy People.

 

I’m going to summarise it here, and if you want to read more buy the magazine (March edition) or download it here.  Or buy my book “Sex Secrets for Busy People" from my bookshop and get the whole low-down!

 

 

Demands from the boss all day, pressures to achieve deadlines, squeeze in the gym, race home, deal with the kids, deal with the wife’s issues, check in on the internet, veg out for a TV show (if you’re lucky) , yeah yeah, help get the house ready for tomorrow, hope for a shag, into bed, roll over – and the wife’s asleep (or pretending)….

 

Not a pretty scenario, not one that will lead to fantastic sex. What to do?

 

Follow these five steps to sex in the time of chaos:

 

 

1. Forget sponteneity!

 

This has got to be the biggest myth out there about sex, that it’s got to be spontaneous to be good. That’s like saying the best footy game or the best meal or the best party comes spontaneously! No. Everything good in life takes planning, focus and effort - health does, wealth does, so does sex.

 

 

2.  Sex starts way before the bedroom

 

Planned or not, it’s not going to happen if you think that getting into bed, rolling over and saying “how about it love” maybe with a tweak or two of her nipple is enough.

 

Oh no, sex needs to start way before the bedroom. In a way, it never stops. I call it living life as foreplay, so that you keep intimacy and erotic tension alive throught the day. To quote Ester Perel: “Eroticism extends way beyond the sexual act.”

 

 

3. Transition from boardroom to bedroom

 

A hugely important part of this is to allow yourself to transition from boardroom to bedroom. Even if you with your more pressing male libido feel you can transform from worker to stud in moments, chances are your lady love can’t. You have to transition from the busyness of everyday life, you have to chill.

 

 

4.  Let your environment turn you on

 

We’re very sensory creatures, affected positively or negatively by our surroundings. So make sure your surroundings enhance your sexual desire. In particular, turn your bedroom into a boudoir, a sanctuary away from the stress of life, a place that when you enter, you leave the world behind.

 

 

5.  Sex is playtime for adults

 

(To misquote Oscar Wilde) Sex is far too important to be taken seriously - keep it light and playful!

 

You see, it’s not the sponteneity or otherwise that makes sex good, it’s what happens when you have sex. So you have to use your imagination. Experiment with positions, places, procedures and props.

 

 

So let’s take a look at that opening scene again, with this new knowledge…

 

…You come home, take the dog for a short walk to relax, return for a family dinner around the table, then after the kids are in bed you and wife forget the housework because you decided tonight’s the night. So you bring her a glass of wine while she’s having a bath, give her a foot massage then light the candles, by the time she arrives at the sensuously lit bedroom with you reclining on the bed she’s quite happy to have you ask her to drop her robe and move over to the bed….and the rest is up to you imagination.

 

Perennial boredom or exquisite pleasure? Busyness is no excuse. It’s your choice.

 

Why a “Blackbelt” in the Bedroom?

 

As you’ll have noticed, I'm about to launch seminars for Men Only called Blackbelt in the Bedroom. Obviously the title is catchy (what man wouldn’t want to be a blackbelt in the bedroom?) and that’s why I’m using it, but commericial cynicism aside, there are very good reasons why I’m chosen the term “blackbelt”.

 

For a start, I am a blackbelt in aikido, a second level blackbelt in fact (about to go third level when I decided to have babies instead). I’ve also studied judo and various kung-fus plus done workshops on many other styles of martial arts. It’s effectively where I got my energetic training, which I now apply to sexual relations and which has the same basis as the Tantric and Taoist approaches to sexuality.

 

To some people the concept of a martial artist is of an aggressive violent fighter. However, it’s completely the opposite. A true warrior is not some pyscho maniac, think more of the red indian brave, the knight of old, the samurai, Mel Gibson in Braveheart… A top martial artist is completely in control, centred and flowing with the energy of the encounter. Just what sex should be. He’s not in his head thinking about what’s going on, he’s completely connected to his opponent, completely absorbed in what’s going on. He’s not following set routines or patterns, he’s creatively moving with the energy of the encounter. He’s still when he needs to be, he’s active when he needs to be, he moves how and when he needs to, completely in the moment.

 

This is how sex should be. Unfortunately too many men are well down among the coloured belts. Since I’ve spent countless hours talking to men about their sex lives, and to their partners, and I'm the Men’s Health Magazine sex columnist, and I’ve done so much research into sex, from the scientific to the Tantric to kink, I’ve got a pretty good idea about what makes a man a Blackbelt in the Bedroom.

 

That is a man who embodies the Four ‘C’s: he’s connected, confident, creative and in control.

 

To get to that level, he needs to master the Five ‘S’s:

1)    Self,

2)    Study of Woman,

3)    Seduction,

4)    Skills and

5)    Spice.

 

Those are in order of importance, and also in order of difficulty. Our society tends to focus on the last couple, techniques and props, but those are actually the least important. The most important is the knowledge of self, and the ability to be centred and able to take a step back to hold the space for the woman. The next is knowledge of woman, understanding her not just physically, but also psychologically and energetically, really understanding the differences between men and women and utilising those differences. Then there is the art of seduction, which is not just for new lovers, but is an on-going never-ending part of relationship. Then the sex skills come in, manual, oral and penile, and finally ways to spice up and expand your sexual repertoire.

 

Now that’s not all going to happen from one three-hour seminar! But it will help you along the way. It does take application. The master of any art, whether it’s a martial art or other sport, painting, cooking, woodwork, whatever, is completely dedicated. It’s the same with mastering the Art of Sex.

 

 

Penis Size

 

I seem to have been talking penis size a lot lately. So here’s an adaption of an article I wrote for Men’s Health Magazine last year, on how penises of all sizes can be used to good effect.

 

They come in all shapes and sizes, and all with the same intention in mind – to have great sex. But with all the variation, which penises are the most effective, and does size really matter?

 

To stimulate the vagina a penis needs to touch the sides, so girth is an important factor. Some penises are thick enough to fill most women, some are too thick for comfort, and a large proportion need deft handling to reach the good spots, not being thick enough to fill all around (although that also depends on the size of the vagina in question, there’s considerable variation in capacity and muscle tautness there too).

 

But never fear, if your girth is less than ideal, it’s more about how you weld your weapon than its size. So here are some tips for guys of all sizes:

 

 

Modest

 

Prove your skills as a lover before she gets to see your member. She’ll already be impressed and size won’t be a big issue. She’ll also be good and aroused, and a well-aroused vagina is a responsive vagina, so her muscles are more likely to naturally clamp around your penis, increasing sensation. Your advantage in the penile size stakes is that you can move around a lot and get to the good areas. So add rotating, screwing motions to your thrusts, particularly when you’re on top so that you’re stimulating all around her vagina and her clitoral area at the same time. (Another bonus – you get the best blow jobs because she can do so much more with your more managable size!)

 

 

Average

 

No surprises here. Your partner is not going to get distracted by the size or otherwise of your member and neither are you, you’ve got no need to feel either worried or smug about what‘s on offer. You can try any position, any way you like it. So get creative!

 

For you and your more modestly sized brothers, you can get in deeper by getting your pelvis in as aclose a possible, so you want her legs as far apart as she can. She can hold them or you can. With you kneeling and her on her back, you can lift up her legs, hook them over your arms and get in good and deep. From behind is another good position if her bottom is up high and her chest down low. Her on top is also good as she can move herself around and sink down good and deep. Avoid standing poses.

 

 

Well-proportioned

 

There’s no denying it, you’ve definitely got the advantage here. But…avoid complacency! While the sight of your impressive member might make a girl swoon in anticipation, if that’s all you’ve got on offer your sex might get dull after a while. Yes, it fills a girl up nicely while still having the finesse to move around and get to the good bits inside. But it’s not all about the penis. Make sure you develop your all round skills as a lover.

 

 

Blessed/Cursed

 

You’d get hired on a porn set in an instant, but the reality is that your massive member is more likely to make a girl faint with shock than swoon with pleasure! Unfortunately a very large penis doesn’t always feel great, it can hurt on entry and can make the girl feel simply stuffed, without the subtlely of sensation she gets from smaller penises. Kind of like using a bulldozer to do a bob-cat’s work. So the advice is quite similar to that of your modestly hung brothers – prove your skills as a lover before she gets to your member, so that she’s already turned on and interested, and therefore less likely to turn tail and run! Make sure she’s well aroused and well lubricated before you enter. Take it slowly, let her guide the initial depth and speed. You’re going to have to be a true gentleman of a lover, chivalrous and gentle, and she’s going to love that!

 

I’m calling for female Volunteers to participate in a study I’m conducting on female sexual archetypes. I’ll use the results to refine my concepts and provide information for the book I’m working on to do with female sexuality and particularly female sexuality.

 

Through all my clinical work, running women’s sexual empowerment workshops, and generally talking pretty well non-stop about sex with all sorts of people, it’s clear to me that many women lack sexual confidence and they have difficulty expressing themselves sexually.

 

Often women have very limited ideas of how they can express themselves sexuality, often the choice is as limited as the ‘porn star’ or the ‘prude’, other women can only express themselves in reaction to their partner.

 

One reason for this could be the lack of ‘acceptable’ ways for a woman to express herself sexually in this society, or simply a lack of understanding of the breadth of possibilities.

 

Conversely some women are very confident and expressive.

 

So why are these women different? Certainly there are personality differences and belief systems that affect a woman’s sexual confidence and expression. What I’m wondering though, iw whether there is a common underlying ‘potential’ in all women, which some are more successfully tapping into than others?

 

 

Hypothesis

 

My hypothesis is that we do have sexual archetypes innate within us. These are aspects of ourselves common to all women, which can be tapped into to enable a more real, broader and more fulfilling sexual expression.

 

I have identified 14 distinct female sexual archetypes. These have been identified based on seven sets of opposing energies. Each archetype has a different energy ‘signature’, with a different form of feeling and expression.

 

These archetypes are not role-plays, they come from within. So whereas a role-play is more of an outside-in expression, an archetype is more of an inside-out expression. It’s something real within the woman, rather than an act she’s doing for entertainment. (Although it’s likely that in some cases it might be hard to know if one is an act or real, and maybe there’s an element of ‘fake it till you make’, with a play-act becoming something real.)

 

I’m sure there are certain archetypes that an individual woman resonates most strongly to, some that she could tap into at times, and others that don’t feel right at all. One of the questions I’m looking to answer is whether all these archetypes are in everyone and can be accessed by everyone, or not.

 

I surmise that the archetypes can make sex more varied and enjoyable in general. I’m also curious to know whether certain ones can be channelled to assist in certain situations. For instance:

• the tired new mother who can’t be bothered might channel her inner Vamp to be more self-focused and self-indulgent sexually;
• a woman whose partner is complaining she never initiates might find her inner Dominatrix comes in useful;
• a woman wanting to try something new might feel less self-conscious if she channels her inner Bimbo with a ditzy “well, whatever, let’s give this a go!”;
• a woman might give her partner a completely focused treat on his birthday by channeling her inner Courtesan;
• a woman who’s newly single after a long relationship might find it easier to get dating again by channeling her inner Bawd (party girl);
• a woman who finds she’s too maliable by men might find channeling her inner Ice Queen a useful way to give herself space; 
• a woman who finds she has trouble letting go during sex and reaching her orgasmic potential, might channel her inner Wild Cat;
• and I believe every woman should know her inner Bombshell, that part of her that simply emanates sexuality without doing a thing…

Approach

To get more information on these concepts I’m asking female voluneeters to see what happens when they try to access a particular archetype for a week at a time. I’ll provide detailed descriptions of my understanding of the archetype, plus visualisations and affirmations. Then throughout the week each Volunteer will note how she feels about accessing this archetype, noting things such as:

• is it easy or difficult;
• what helped or hindered;
• does it feel natural, a true expression of self, or more of a role-play;
• did it help or hinder her sexual confidence, her sexual expression;
• how did it affect her desire for sex;
• how did it affect her responsiveness in sex (ie arousal and orgasm);
• did it affect her in non-sexual situations;
• how did her partner, or others, react;
• are there particular situations where she feels accessing this archetype would be helpful?

 

Volunteers are asked to do a minimum of four archetypes, including ones they resonate easily with and ones they don’t. At the end of the week each Volunteer will fill in a simple form describing her experience and send it to me. I will use the information supplied to refine my concepts, and for material for my book, tentatively titled ‘HERS’.

 

Participation in the study is completely confidential, and all material will be used confidentially, unless otherwise agreed with the volunteer in question.

 

This material may also be used for further academic and research purposes with the intent of developing a practical methodology for clinical practice. The same confidentiality will of course apply.

If you're interested in volunteering, please contact me. And please spread the word, the more women involved the more valid and useful the results!

(And yes, there will be a men's study later.)