Available as a podcast: download here!
I'm a little embarrassed to say this, but a couple of weeks ago I was in an emergency ward with a suspected heart attack. Yes, me, the supposed expert on chilling out, taking it slow, enjoying life and love....Oops!

So what happened? After all, I do regular yoga, meditation, relaxation...or do I?

Being attached to a machine that goes 'bing' for eight hours gives you a lot of time to reflect. It's kind of a forced meditation, especially as I was having trouble breathing and had to focus on my breath.

Well, the honest truth is that my regular self-care had become more than a little irregular. I hadn't been practising what I preach. I was proving that not doing what I advise to do does in fact result in a lack of peace and harmony.

This kind of work, where I'm constantly giving out nurturing and inspiring energy to people, plus having three children of my own, means that I have to keep filling up my love tank. So: physician heal thyself.

I share this so that you know that even we 'experts' struggle at times. In this era where there are so many things competing for our time, and where the truly important things in life tend to put aside in favour of the non-nurturing and the non-loving, it's so important that we each stay focused on what's important.

I often talk about how couples need to prioritise time for themselves, to fill up their mutual love tank. Before you can even get to that, you need to fill up your own self-love tank. It's like when the oxygen masks come down in the plane, you have to put your own on before you attend to anyone else, or else you'll be dead and no use to anyone.

For people with a stronger bent towards tending others, it can be hard to focus on yourself. "Who's got the time," you say, or "I'd feel guilty".

But if you don't, you either become a withered up drained shell of yourself, or you become harder and harder (and unhappier and unhappier) which leads to grumpy, bitter and twisted, and other nasty traits.

So, go through your life and start removing the irksome, the time-consuming, the draining, and prioritise the rejuvinating, the uplifting, the peace-inducing. And if you feel you 'can't', then book in for some sessions with me, so I can help make that a 'can'.

As for me, I have reinstated daily mediation and yoga, I have modified a lot of the ways I work, and I am heading off to a tiny little island in Indonesia called Gili Air to do an eight-day rejuvination retreat from the 10th of May....

The love tanks are re-filling.

Available as a podcast: download here!
A key to intimacy is expressing your feelings. Not your thoughts, your feelings: being able to share with your partner how you are feeling, and being able to hear what he or she is sharing with you.

It's not an easy thing to do. More commonly people hold back out of fear or a negative reaction from their partner. So they end up playing this weird dance of trying to mind-read what the other wants and feels, and generally getting it wrong.

An exercise I give couples to improve this skill is every evening to have a chat over a cup of tea and take it in turns to share how you’re feeling.

Some people are fine with that level of guidance; others struggle and need more direction. If you’re in the latter category, here’s an activity for you.

Set aside some time for a chat, maybe after dinner, or if you’ve got young children, once they’ve gone to bed. Do not do this in front of the TV. Sit somewhere comfortable, and if it feels right, have a cup of tea together. Humans have been sharing over cups of tea for centuries. It’s comforting and bonding.

Now take it in turns to share five things from your day, in this order.

1) How you’re feeling right now.
2) A good thing that happened today and how it made you feel.
3) A bad thing that happened today and how it made you feel.
4) A good thing that your partner did today and how it made you feel.
5) A (preferably small, until you get better at this) not so good thing, a neglect, that your partner did today and how it made you feel.

So each of you share how you’re feeling, then each of you share point two, then point three, until you’ve done all five. When you’ve finished, thank your partner for sharing, and tell them how that made you feel.

The important part is that you say how it made you feel. Not just ‘good’ or ‘bad’ or ‘pissed off’, be more specific, expand your vocabulary, such as: “I felt appreciated, as though you really cared” or “I felt really isolated and unsure of what to do”, ie be more expressive about what you felt or are feeling.

When you’re in the listening role, it’s important that you tune in to your own reactions. Be the watcher watching yourself. Note what your own emotional reaction is to what your partner is saying. Notice if you feel defensive, if you feel you want to justify yourself, if you feel you need to make them out to be wrong. It’s this response that causes people to hold their feelings in and not share. So make sure that your focus is what your partner is saying, not your reaction to it.

So listen, and repeat back what you’ve heard. That’s all.

The hardest one will of course be the something you did that made your partner feel bad. The important thing is simply that you acknowledge how they are feeling. You don’t have to fix it or justify it or anything for this exercise, just acknowledge their feeling.

Once you get in the habit of listening actively like this, your partner will become more comfortable with sharing their feelings honestly, because they know you are capable of listening without judgement. Similarly, your own level of comfort in sharing will increase because you’ll learn to trust your partner’s ability to listen without reacting badly.

This is mature relating. It’s not always easy, which is why you need to practice until it becomes second nature. Then your relationship will evolve, in all areas, particularly sexually.

If you or your partner are finding it difficult to express your feelings then book in for a private sex therapy session or come along to one of my Tantra Fusion workshops.

Available as a podcast: download here!
I'm often asked what I think is the biggest problem people have with sex these days. I'd have to say it's the performance model of sex, that's it's all about giving each other orgasms. It's not surprising so many people think sex is a performance activity, given how driven we are in this society, all driving harder, harder, faster, faster to achieve more and get more. It's so exhausting! And leads to a number of problems in relation to sex.

First, if people think sex has to achieve something, but they’re not really feeling up to it, they might not bother.

Second, people get performance anxiety. This reduces their confidence and enthusiasm, which tends to result in less satisfactory sex (if any at all) and sets up a negative feedback loop of low sexual confidence.

Third, and most importantly, if you’re focused on the endpoint of sex you miss all the good points in between! 

The point of sex is not orgasm. The point of sex is a complete luscious experience. Orgasm is a delicious outcome of sex, not the point of it.

Sex is a journey, not a destination.

Otherwise you might as well just masturbate. That’s the difference between solo sex and partnered sex – solo sex is generally just about orgasm, partnered sex has so many more aspects to it.

Great sex has peaks and troughs, softness and intensity. It’s all good. You have to get into the pleasure of the valley as much as the pleasure of the heights. The feelings are different, but the valleys can be just as orgasmic, in a gentler, exceptionally exquisite, blissful way.

Paradoxically, by savouring all the different aspects of sex, rather than just going for the one big O, you can experience more orgasms and more varied orgasms in the one sex session.

Men can too! One of the important steps for men in becoming multi-orgasmic is to fully experience both the valleys and the highs of sexual sensation and learn to appreciate sexual sensation in a whole body way, rather than being genitally focused (I’ll write more on that another time). 

One other paradox, if you move away from this performance-oriented it’s-all-about-the orgasm style approach to sex, you’ll experience a wider range of sexual sensations – even without orgasm. For instance, the style of sex I call “Cup of Tea Sex” can be absolutely gorgeous, just gently lying together without much activity at all, just feeling close and bonded. 

Have you ever tried having sex without any intention to orgasm? Try it, in fact try it several nights in a row – just lie together, him inside her (spoon position is good, on your sides, her back to his front), and do nothing. You can both squeeze your pelvic floor muscles now and again to keep the erection, but move as little as possible. Align your breathing as you do it, and you’ll find it even more interesting. Do that for 15 minutes or so, see how it feels. This will get you learning to appreciate the quiet, soft, troughs. This is so different to what we usually think of as good sex that it might seem really odd at first, but do it every night for a week and I think you’ll find it’ll change the way you make love ever after. 

So, what makes for better sex? Relax, switch off your brain and get into the groove of sex, enjoying every exquisite moment – the highs, the lows and every point in between.

Enjoy!

Available as a podcast: download here!
There's a beautiful quote from Anais Nin: There came a day when the flower realised that the pain of remaining tight in a bud was greater than the risk of opening up and blossoming.

That's how people often feel about their sexuality before they come to see me. It's what I love in this work, whether it's with private clients or in the group workshops, people start to tap into their true selves and allow themselves to be who they really are and express themselves honestly and openly.

Our sexuality is one area where many people aren’t open and honest and true to themselves. No matter how much personal development work they’ve done, if they’ve missed out this crucial part of themselves, then they’re never going to be whole and real.

You see, true sexual expression comes from a very deep part of ourselves, it’s probably the part of ourselves that is truer than any other part. Many people think our sexuality is part of our lower, animal side. I beg to disagree. I believe our sexuality is part of our higher human side, along with creativity and art and music and all those attributes of being human that come from higher evolution and bigger brain and more complex and meaningful existence. And just as to tap into and express ourselves in those other areas of humanity, so it’s important that we tap into the realness of ourselves sexually.

Which is tricky in a society that’s so juvenile in its approach to sex – more giggle and snicker than expression and growth.

So if you’re on this journey, you’ve got to get past all the myths and crap in society around sex. Get over the limiting beliefs and lack of permissions, toss out the ‘should’s and ‘shouldn’t’s. Get informed, get creative, and get transformed!

Again tricky in a society which has so little real sex education and inspiring sexual information. So in my little way I try to start the ripples that will turn into waves and turn our society into one where sex has it’s rightful place and people feel and express the love. Getting back to my opening line, I see in the workshops people opening up to possibility and realness. It’s so good. I love my work. I’m a small drop in an ocean of sexual repression and sexual distortion, but every little bit counts. And what counts is you, the change starts with you.

Ponder deeply on that…then start to express yourself freely. Feel the love, feel the pleasure, live the ecstasy.

Available as a podcast: download here!
The number one secret to good sex is to surrender. That's all. You've got to surrender to the act. Let go of the crap in your head and get completely and utterly in your body, in the flow, surrendered to the pleasure.

Sounds easy, very hard to do. We're so caught up with thinking that we live our lives in our heads, so we're not really present in our bodies. Our bodies almost become an appendage to our heads. But to really feel, you have to get into your body, really present in your body. 

Paradoxically that enables the boundaries of the physical to dissolve and allows you to get to the transcendent states where you lose touch with the physical plane and get into the more spiritual, ecstatic plane.

There's an exercise I do in my workshops, usually very early on because it's so instructive, where I enable people to get present in one side of their body and not the other. They're always amazed at the difference. One side feels warm and alive and tingly, the other feels empty and dead. When I point out that they mostly go through life with their bodies feeling dead like that, they realise what they're missing out on (and hopefully then pay a lot more attention to what I'm teaching!).

We then do more work on breath and becoming centered and heightening sensory perception and lots of other delightful exercises that get people out of their heads and into their bodies. It might not sound all that relevant to sex, but it's fundamental. In fact it's fundamental to living.

It takes dedication and application to live and make love with that level of presence and to be able to surrender so fully to the experience. Personally, I think it's worth it.

Available as a podcast: download here!
I love getting feedback from clients, workshop participants and readers of my newsletter and blog, as well as people who see me in the media. I'm sure it's partly an ego thing(!) but it also shows that this work is touching people, improving the quality of their lives, and slowly but surely changing our society into one which values sexuality and promotes quality sex.

One thing people so often say is that I'm giving them "a whole new view of sex".

One client in her 50s who has decided, like so many women I see in their 50s, that it's about time she got in touch with her sexuality, gave me the feedback: "I feel my whole definition of sex is being rewritten - scary but exciting!" She'll also be at my women's workshop in a couple of weeks, and her husband is coming to my men's seminar too.

Another woman in her early 30s who came to my women's retreat last November, and whose partner is also coming to the men's seminar, sent me this wonderful idea: "We’ve started this thing where every few nights we each choose one of your blog topics, which the other has to read out. It’s been rather enlightening and some old perspectives have been shifted."

And this lovely comment from someone who heard me on ABC radio recently: "As a single for way too long and an even longer history of bad "head" sex, I think you're spot on! Well said about so many things."

It is good to get this feedback, because it is hard doing this work! Putting oneself out there to challenge entrenched beliefs is a challenge. So I'd like to acknowledge everyone involved, all the clients and workshop/retreat participants who take the brave step to do something positive about their lives and sexuality, even those of you who simply subscribe and read this blog. It all makes a difference.



To change your view of sex book in for private sessions or join me for one of my Tantra Fusion Workshops or Retreats.

Available as a podcast: download here!
The good old-fashioned cuppa. What a wonderful space it creates for sharing and openness. People have been bonding over cups of tea for millennia.

A cup of tea gives you a tie-frame, something warm to hold, and a shared activity which creates your own 'cone of silence', in which to talk and share.

That’s exactly the kind of space you need regularly in your relationship. A space where the two of you can relax and just ‘be’ together, with no agenda, no external pressures, just you and me, having a chat over a cup of tea.

In that space you can open your hearts to each other. You can express your thoughts and ideas, feelings and emotions, and you can hear what your partner has to say.

It’s a slow space, a gentle space, hopefully a judgement-free space. You can talk about nothing much at all, or you can talk about more deep and meaningful issues.

You can share the small positives and negatives of the day; you can share the small kindnesses and the small neglects from your partner (remembering the 4:1 rule of four positives to one negative); you can share the things that make you go ‘mmm’ and the things that make you go ‘ngh’.

Importantly, you can remember that it’s this space, this ‘you and me’ space that attracted you so much in the early days, and so it’s creating this space in an on-going way that will keep you connected.

It’s over the cup of tea that you can look at your partner and say: “Yes, I remember you…I like you…mmm…”


If you need some help in prioritising this time, or practicing open communication, book in for Private Sex Therapy and/or Coaching with either myself or one of my associates.

Available as a podcast: download here!
When you think about desiring your partner, or a potential partner, what are the things that make you go 'mmm', as in 'mmm, that's nice', as opposed to things that make you go 'ngh', as in 'ngh, that's not so nice'?

In other words, what are your turn ons and turn offs when it comes to sex and desire? What enhances your desire and what detracts from it?

Whatever these enhancers and detractors are, is unique to you, so you need to identify them for yourself.

Then you need to share them with your partner. Chances are they might be quite different to your partner’s so you can’t assume that he or she will automatically know. Similarly, you can’t assume that your partner has the same enhancers and detractors as you, or that they should be the same or that there’s anything wrong if they’re not.

I remember a young couple where she admitted to him that she found him walking around naked so much a detractor. He was surprised as he’d thought it was a sexy thing for him to do. When she explained that it was too much nakedness, that she responded to the element of the slow reveal, he could understand and adapt his behaviour (after all, he wanted her arousal not her revulsion).

Just yesterday I was working with a couple who realised that her preference for lots of noise in the evening, with TV and radio and music going was an enhancer for her, but was a detractor for him. The noise overwhelmed him, and while he could ‘cope’ with it, it sapped him so that by the time bedtime came he had no zest left for love-making. She hadn’t realised that link, so she’s going to tone things down a bit to switch the evening atmosphere from one that’s a detractor to one that’s an enhancer.

Personally speaking, one thing that turns me off sexually is seeing my partner sitting in bed reading. If he’s sitting on the bed it’s different. It’s a small difference, but it makes a huge difference in the level of my interest and desire. If he’s in the bed, I just want to get into bed and read too, if he’s on the bed I want to chat and play!

So really pay attention to what makes you go ‘mmm’, no matter how small or seemingly unrelated it might be. Then share them, with open heart, with positive intent, and the two of you can maximise the ‘mmm’ factor.



To identify your enhancers and detractors and to maximise the ‘mmm factor’ book in for private Sex Therapy/ Coaching or come along to one of my Tantra Fusion Workshops.  

Available as a podcast: download here!
When things get tough, couples tend to either:

- Separate, generally accompanied by bitter and twisted feelings, or
- Put up with it and flatline, living lives of quiet desperation.

It's far better to go with option three:

- Renegotiate your relationship.

- What do I need in this relationship now?

- What’s missing or lacking?

- How could that lack be filled?

Available as a podcast: download here!
"How can I trust him/her ever again? client after client pleads after discovering hurtful deceits by their beloveds. 

What they are really asking is: "How can I ever be 100% sure that my partner won't ever do this again?"

The honest answer is: you can't. In fact, you never could.

You can never be absolutely sure that your partner will never ever be deceitful or hurt you in some way.

The very definition of ‘trust’ is ‘not knowing’. Trust is being ok with the not knowing. If you were 100% sure of something you wouldn’t need to ‘trust’; you don’t need to ‘trust’ that the sun will rise each morning, you know it will. It’s only when you can't be absolutely sure that trust comes in.

We trust our partners to be honest and not deceive us due to the actual fact that we can’t be 100% sure that they won’t.

Of course that doesn't make it any easier when our partner is deceitful in some way. It hurts! But does that mean they are a terrible person and you shouldn’t be with them? Not necessarily. They’ve shown that they are human, that they are fallible. They’ve shown that like all of us, we are none of us perfect.

So the question you need to ask is actually: “Can I be ok with the fact that my partner is not perfect and has hurt me?”

It’s not an easy question, and the answer may well be a definite ‘no’.

If the answer is ‘yes’, or ‘maybe or ‘I’d like to be’, then you can jointly work to uncover what was behind the deceit and make changes to be able to move forward and avoid it happening again.

In my experience, these hurts often occur because there is a lack of true honesty in the relationship, one or both partners is trying to be something they’re not, or putting up with something they increasingly can’t bear, but don't feel they can share with their partner.

So the healing comes with Radical Honesty, see my last post on this topic. You need to learn to be completely honest about how you’re feeling and what’s going on for you, and you have to learn to be able to hear that from your partner without judgement.

Ideally you learn this before a crisis sets in, but humans being human we often don’t realise there is a problem until something major happens. By working through this together, increasing the honesty and non-judgement on both partners’ sides, you grow as individuals and build maturity and resilience into your relationship.

The greater the heartfelt openness and honesty there is in a relationship, the less likely there is a need for deceit, and the easier it is to trust, to be ok with the not knowing.

To work on trust and radical honesty, book in for a session.