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Would you like your vagina to be exquisitely sensitive, alive to nuance and sensation and responsive to ecstatic subtleties?

Then you need to wake up your vagina!

Unfortunately our focus in this society on the harder side of sex, the ‘peaks’ rather than the ‘valleys’ of sex, means that many women have energetically ‘hardened their vaginas. The focus on the ‘bigger, harder, faster’, rather than the ‘slower, softer, subtler’, means that women have lost the ability to sense subtlety and softness through the walls of their vaginas. If you can’t feel in your vagina then you either need increasingly more intense stimulation, or you forget about the vagina and focus on the clitoris as your primary sexual organ, (which is fine, but limited) - or you give up on sex altogether because it just doesn’t feel like much.

When your vagina is awake though, it becomes so sensitive in the most delightful of ways! It becomes highly receptive and attuned to subtle energies and exquisite variations of sensation.

This is very different to the intense thrusting most of us view as good sex (although as I always stress, I’ve got nothing against a good shag, just that it’s only one aspect of good sex!).

To wake your vagina up, you need to spend time being purely receptive. The easiest way to do this is to have some lovely non-genital foreplay (especially kissing) with your partner so you’re feeling connected and yummy together. Then you lie back and relax and allow him to touch your body and your genitals, gently, tenderly and softly. Then when you really want to invite him inside you, only then you allow his penis in.

Have a sense of ‘enveloping’ his penis, feeling that you are embracing it with your vagina. Although you are receptive, you are not passive, energetically your vagina is awake and attuned.

With his penis fully inside you, really feel it. Let him hold it still for a while, even for some minutes, then move very slowly and gently. (If he’s having trouble being so slow himself, practice wtih you on top first, barely moving, then moving in slow little circles around and around.) Relax and breathe to your belly. Feel what it’s like with and without eye contact. Try some gentle contractions with your vagina, giving his penis a gentle massage with the walls of your vagina. Notice how different parts of your vagina feel.

Then slowly build up to stronger thrusts, all the while being aware of how your vagina is feeling and responding.

For those of us more used to a unisex approach to sex, where you’re both ‘giving’ to each other, rather than allowing one or the other to purely ‘receive’, then this approach might seem one-sided. Once you get used to it and have woken up your vagina, then you’ll understand why you need to approach it this way. The amazing sensations, and the orgasmic spaces you can go to with an awakened vagina engaging in ‘valley’ style sex, are just wonderful!

Available as a podcast: download here!
Our five senses of sight, sound, smell, taste and touch are wonderful tools to explore sensuality and eroticism. By suppressing or enhancing the senses you can create and experience all kinds of enchanting pleasures.
Here are some suggestions to inspire you in your own sensual adventures:
Touch your partner with items of different texture and temperature. Try a feather, a piece of silk, a body brush, a loofah. Try things that have been heated or cooled, such as warm oil or ice-blocks. Use everyday items: the end of a belt, a scarf, a fork, the back of a spoon… The possibilities are endless. 
Try doing it blindfolded, or with the receivers hands tied for a different effect (of course with their agreement!) Blocking out the main sense of sight can heighten the other senses, as can being restrained in some way (keeping in mind that not everyone is comfortable with restraint).
Feed your partner: have a selection of unknown items that they can’t see, make them all delicious, or mix them up (gerkins and chocolate!); feed your partner chocolate mousse or rice pudding. Or blindfold both of you and try feeding each other (messy, but fun!)
Arouse the olfactory: have scented candles or an oil burner in the room; wave perfume or essential oils or fresh herbs under their nose (and run the latter over their body)
Have music playing, and vary the types of music, noting the difference on how it affects your love-making and sensory play. Try putting headphones on one person while the other does delicious things to their body. Bang bongoes together, play a Tibetan singing bowl, tuning forks, rub the rim of a crystal glass or create some other interesting sounds.
And sight, the main sense. Try simply looking at each other, holding the gaze for a number of minutes. Have one look at the other, just simply looking - this can be initially confronting for the receiver, but can become highly erotic and arousing. Do a slow undress or striptease, model lingerie or do a simple yet sensual dance for your partner.
Then combine all the elements in various ways. This is wonderful play that arouses and pleasures without even having to involve the genitals. The possibilities are endless and only limited by your imagination. 
So go forth and play! Become sensual explorers and experiment with sensation and the senses to take yourselves to new places of eroticism and sensuality…

To experience more, I suggest you attend one of my Tantra Fusion Workshops. 

Available as a podcast: download here!

When your vagina is relaxed and receptive it becomes the most amazingly sensitive organ, capable of experiencing subtle energies and generating beautifully exquisite sensations. 

Unfortunately, as the standard model of sex is for vigorous thrusting into the vagina, our vaginas tend to become ‘hardened’ to the subtlety.

Also, because of the focus on the clitoris, the vagina can get neglected. To the extent that some people feel that the clitoris is the only important sex organ for a woman and that the vagina is simply a vessel for the man’s penis to enjoy. So most of the attention goes on to the clitoris, with strong stimulation there to the point of orgasm, followed by intercourse until he comes.

The clitoris is very wonderful, of course! But so is the vagina. I’d like you to reclaim your vagina as the wonderful, sensitive organ that it can be.  

To do this, you need to approach intercourse slowly, tenderly and gently. You won’t awaken the subtle ecstasy with vigorous stimulation. So follow this general approach:

• Make sure you are beautifully aroused: be in a lovely environment, take your time with non-genital connection (kissing, touch, hugging, eye gazing, etc) to become aroused. You are aiming for a soft, warm arousal here, not a highly intense sexual excitement.

• When you feel like inviting your partner’s penis to enter you, move into a comfortable position for entry. You can be reclining on your back with him approaching between your legs, or twist your hips a little to the side so he can enter from the side in scissors position. If you’d rather be the one on top, that’s fine too.

• Have his penis rest at the entrance to your vagina. Take some moments, or even a minute, to simply feel the contact between the head of his penis and the entrance to your vagina. Notice how that feels in your genitals, in your heart, in your whole body. Try looking into each other’s eyes as you do this, then close them, and feel the difference.

• When you’re ready, allow him to slowly, slowly enter you. Relax your vagina and really get a sense of welcoming him in, allowing your vagina to envelop and hold his penis. Be aware moment by moment of the sensations of penis and vagina uniting.

• Allow him to enter you fully and deeply. Once fully in, be still. Focus on your breathing, allowing everything to be still and peaceful. Notice the sensations. 

• Keeping your vagina relaxed, caress his penis with your vaginal muscles, stroking his penis as though you were stroking a cat, smoothly and sensually. Then relax and feel.

• Allow your pelvis to move ever so slightly, in little circles or forward and back. Notice any sensations.

• When you’re ready, allow him to start moving inside you - slowly, tenderly and with utter presence. He needs to make every stroke count.

When you first start making love in this way, you may not feel much at all, as you are so used to intensity, your vagina is unable to feel subtlety. Keep practicing and over time you will find your vagina opening up and receiving fully, allowing the most wonderful sensations to flow within you and between you. 

You may also find that it brings up strong emotions. Many vaginas have hardened due to the repeated ‘penetration’ - an aggressive approach on the part of the penis that requires the vagina to go into defensive mode, literally ‘steeling’ itself for the anticipated attack. In allowing your vagina to relax and soften, and to welcome in the penis, this can unblock emotions. If this happens, simply allow yourself to feel those emotions, and allow your partner to be present with you as this happens. A similar experience can be had by the man, as he feels for the first time truly welcomed and embraced by the vagina.

When you make love in this way, you are ‘plugging in’ to each other, the positive and negative, masculine and feminine, yin and yang uniting. Rather than two genitals having a physical friction based arousal, you’re allowing a meeting of subtle energies. The exquisite sensations this can produce, and the true feeling of love and connection between two lovers, is indescribable.

To learn more about becoming more fully into your feminine and being able to soften and open up in this way, I recommend you attend my women's Tantra Fusion workshop Luscious Woman.

And I and my partner Oscar are available for private Tantra instruction and sex therapy. 

Available as a podcast: download here!

So much of my work revolves around enabling people to come together with real intimacy. This last month I ran both Luscious Lovers and Tantric Lovers workshops for couples. Seeing couples sharing their love and intimacy so beautifully is an awe-inspiring experience, but sadly rare in our society.

It’s not that smooth and easy for all couples though. For very many it is bewildering and perplexing, and very often extraordinarily confronting to ‘meet’ each other in this way. The barriers have to come down. You have to meet each other with calm, deep, slow tenderness. There needs to be a slow dissolving of the edges. The woman needs to get a place where she can welcome her man into her, invite him to enter. That entering is a place of beauty and relaxation and letting go for the man. She needs to be able to allow that. He needs to be able to hold her so well that she can get to that place, so that he can enter her and the entering becomes a coming together, a merging into unity.

When a couple come together in this way, they are exploring the exquisiteness of the ‘valleys’ of sex, a place where altered consciousness is possible, where you can enter orgasmic states. This is a very different experience to the ‘peaks’ of sex, which is about intense genital stimulation leading to genital orgasm.

I believe that many people lose interest in sex, or become obsessed with sex, because focusing on the ‘peaks’ of sex is not sustainable in the way that a ‘valley’-approach to sex is. Sex that is predominantly genital- and orgasm-focused, gets empty over time. The women feel like recepticals and the men have performance problems due to the over focus on the penis. Without the emotional and energetic connection it’s just an empty physical act that doesn’t really satisfy either person.

The starting point for real sex, true love-making, is tenderness. Tenderness is coming together with softness and strength. Tenderness is calm, deep and beautiful. This is how your love-making needs to be to get to that place of true connection, true yielding and opening to each other, where your love-making turns alchemical, creating a life-enhancing and sustaining energy for each of you.

Tenderness. Try it.

[Read all four of October’s blog posts, they are all highly relevant. Watch out for my e-Pocketbook on Sensuality coming out soon, and read the one on Understanding Tantra.

Also, to come together as a couple, you need to work on yourself as an individual, so I strongly encourage you to attend a single-sex workshop: Luscious Woman or Blackbelt in the Bedroom (for men). There you'l learn how it feels to get into a state where you can start to experience this type of love-making.]

Available as a podcast: download here!

What is the number one thing that makes a man a great lover?

His sensuality.

Without sensuality, when a man makes love to his partner, there can be no real connection. Without that connection, the sex becomes uninteresting, even a turn-off for the woman, and the sex dies.

With sensuality, a man can be both tender and commanding, that wonderful combination of the yin and yang of a man. This enables a woman to be both yielding and strong, that wonderful combination of yin and yang of a woman.

What that simply means, is that when a man is in touch with his sensuality, he can really connect with his woman. This enables her to let go with trust and with desire. She can truly open herself to him. She feels his desire as strong without being aggressive and she can yield and open herself up to it.

With sensuality a man can enable his partner’s ‘water energy’* to heat up to boiling point, so that her sexual response is powerful and ecstatic, way more than just a physical response to genital stimulation.

You see, when a man tunes into his sensuality, his skill as a lover goes way past his physical ‘technique’. It becomes much less about his ‘doing’ than his ‘being’. He doesn’t become a great lover by ‘doing’ the right thing with clever tricks and techniques, he becomes a great lover by ‘being’ sensual, by being in tune with himself and his partner at all levels of physicality, as well as emotionally, energetically and spiritually.

Becoming a sensual man is not about becoming an insipid new age guy. Far from it. To be truly sensual, a man needs to be strong, he needs to be able to hold his woman with exquisite tenderness and take her to magical places.

Not that it needs be all soft. A man in tune with the sensuality of connection can get into rough play or BDSM, but because he is in tune, because he is coming from a sensual place, he holds his partner safe as they together explore these ‘darker’ areas of sexuality. (And need I say, he will be in tune enough to know how far to go.)

A sensual man is a complete man, one capable of making extraordinary love with his partner. And the best news of all - a man can become more sensual with age, and thereby become a better lover with age!

To learn more, come along to the men’s seminar Blackbelt in the Bedroom, which I run with my incredibly sensual partner, Oscar. Or see me for private sessions.

*If you’re not familiar with my analogy of the female sexual energy being like water and the masculine being like fire, read another blog post: Fire and Water, the masculine and feminine sexual energies.