The Tantra Fusion Blog

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Foreplay is generally seen as what you do before you get to intercourse, to prepare yourselves (especially the woman) to be ready to receive ‘penetration’ by the man. Intercourse is seen as a vigorous activity consisting of the man thrusting into the woman, or less frequently, the woman bouncing around on the man.

The problem with this limited view is that it assumes:
1) that intercourse is the ‘main event’ of sex and that other activities simply lead-up to that ‘main event’;
2) that intercourse is such a vigorous activity that plenty of preparation is required.

But let’s look at this differently. Let’s say that:
1) intercourse isn’t the main event, that it’s just one of many elements of sex and love-making;
2) intercourse doesn’t have to be vigorous and requiring lots of preparation;
3) intercourse can in essence be part of the foreplay.

Now that’s a different view!

If you’ve been reading all my posts lately, you’ll notice that I’ve been focusing on sensuality and exploring the ‘valleys’ of sex rather than the ‘peaks’, and particularly on softening and making the vagina more receptive, and even making love with a soft cock.

With this approach the lines between foreplay and sex blur and it all becomes part of a flow of love-making that changes every time and can last from moments to hours.

Gentle intercourse can start the whole sexual encounter, even without any movement at all. Having your genitals connected while gazing into each other’s eyes, or kissing, or simply lying there enjoying the feeling of genital connection - is a type of foreplay. That could be enough in itself, or it might lead on to more vigorous intercourse, or more vigorous oral or manual, or bring in toys, lie around in 69 for ages, get up and dance, chat, have a cup of tea, and then do it all again… Whatever! Create something wonderful and new every time!

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There is so much pressure on penises. The poor things are supposed to rise to attention on command, stay hard for hours, only ejaculate when desired - and if they can’t do that, then the sex is considered poor.

What’s wrong with a soft cock?? There’s plenty of pleasure to be had with one:
- It’s lovely and soft and malleable.
- It feels good for the man to have his soft cock handled.
- It’s easy for the woman to play with a soft cock with her hands or mouth.
- Intercourse can feel better with a softer cock, particularly anal.
- You can even have sex with a completely soft cock - it’s part of the gentle approach I’ve been talking about, where you simply join genitals, do nothing, and notice the subtle ecstatic sensations that arise.

If the woman wants something hard and phallic inside and there’s no erection on hand to satisfy, well then, use your hands! Talented digital stimulation of the vagina is a wonderful thing. Or use toys - dextrous use of dildos and vibrators is a similarly excellent experience. Or check out the pantry and grab a carrot!

I was on radio recently and a lovely man called up to say ever since he became impotent due to a heart condition, he and his wife had been having better sex than ever as he’d become so skilful with his hands!

Really, the only people who benefit from our obsession with the hard erection are the drug companies and porn companies. They make men feel inadequate without the massive phallus, and women too have an expectation that if it’s not hard it’s not on.

Such a shame. The erection, like quality love-making, will ebb and flow. As your love-making becomes more fluid and responsive, you’ll easily flow with the state of the penis - if it’s hard, go for the shag, if it’s not, go for the myriad other pleasures that don’t require a rock hard cock.

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My encouragement for women to tune into their receptive sexual side is sometimes met with horror, as though I’m encouraging women to take a passive role sexually.

I’m not at all, ‘receptive’ does not mean ‘passive’. Passive is a state of doing nothing, not connecting, not feeling, being uninvolved. To be receptive is quite the opposite. You might not physically be doing much, but there’s certainly a lot happening.

To waken your body to subtlety and exquisite sensation, you need to have heightened sensitivity. This takes strong connection and deep feeling. There’s no way you’d get that level of connection and feeling through being passive.

For women in particular, as I wrote recently in the post on Awakening Your Vagina, so many of us have become so hardened vaginally through intense sexual encounters of a very physical kind, that we can’t feel. That means sex requires more intensity to produce feeling, which over time often means women lose interest in sex because they’re not really feeling it, or it takes so much effort to feel anything it’s not worth it. Well meaning partners might try harder and harder to create interest and response in their lover, but unfortunately they’re doing the opposite to what is required to waken their lover’s body and spirit to true feeling.

Our society’s focus on what is quite an asexual approach to sex doesn’t help, particularly since it’s limited to the Adolescent Male Masturbatory Model of Sex, which is all about strong libido, vigorous genital engagement and explosive orgasms. This approach is all about doing rather than feeling, so people, particularly women, try harder to ‘do’ something, rather than simply receiving. This is tiring and doesn’t allow the subtle feelings needed to enjoy sex to awaken.

The more a woman softens and receives, the more she feels, the more satisfying the sexual encounter for her and therefore the more satisfying it is for him. And paradoxically, the more ‘active’ she is likely to be as she’s enjoying herself so much!

It’s not just women though. Men too, even if they are more naturally drawn to the active role, have a lot to learn through the experience of being receptive (and no, that it is not a discrete way of referring to men receiving anal play!) For a man to be able to truly give, he needs to know how to receive. It will also slow him down and be less intense sexually, which is required for a woman to be able to relax and receive.

When lovers come together with the woman welcoming the man into her, and he is able to accept the invitation and enter with depth of feeling and connection, they’ll make sexual magic. It’s a feeling that will grow with time and age.


To learn more about becoming more fully into your feminine and being able to soften and open up in this way, I recommend you attend my Tantra Fusion workshops.

Or book in for private Tantra instruction and sex therapy and coaching.