Available as a podcast: download here!

Sex is the one thing in life we seem to think should just happen ‘naturally’ without any focused attention and study. Which is completely absurd, and one of the reasons why people don’t have good sex lives! 

The only ‘natural’ part of sex is the basic putting-penis-into-vagina, which anyone can manage with a modicum of bumbling and fumbling around. To do any more that requires application and research. Yes, research - trying things out, exploring, making mistakes, being creative, and discussing what you’re discovering.

I take my research seriously. As my partner said to me with a mock pout not long after we got together: “I’m just a guinea-pig to you, aren’t I?” I had to agree it was true to an extent. I do want to know what he’s doing when it feels good to me, what I’m doing when it feels good to him, how it feels with subtle changes and different approaches. This is how we get to know each other’s bodies, arousal and eroticism. Without that we’d just be thrashing around in the dark.

I tell my clients and workshop participants, get down and have a good look at your genitals and your partner’s genitals. Go for an explore, with sensual touch of course, and get to know your genitals thoroughly. Get to know what feels good, where and how. Get to know how the feeling changes with different states of arousal. Explore different feelings and sensations. Find different ways to get to orgasm and experience different types of orgasm.

Ideally your early sexual experiences would have had a strong element of natural curiosity (fortunately mine did, I was blessed with a wonderful young lover). You would have been two young people exploring and discovering with gentleness and opening up to the full potential of their sexuality. Then you would have carried this sense of curiosity throughout your lives, constantly seeking to explore and discover your partner and find ever more wonderful ways of connecting.

Unfortunately most people’s early sexual experiences were nowhere near as tender and beautiful as this. More likely they had the opposite effect, shutting people down early on and making them reluctant to expand.

Even if it did start well, you can easily fall into the know-each-other-too-well syndrome, where you get locked into views of each other and feel there’s nothing more to explore. You accept that you’re just the way you are and sex is going to be just the way it is (which usually means it gets gradually worse over time).

Worse still, and so common, is that people lose their sense of self in the relationship and can no longer push their boundaries for fear of the other’s reaction. This more than anything keeps people locked into routine sex:  “I’m not going to say or do anything for fear of how s/he might respond.”

But you have to do your research, and you have to discuss what you find (unless you’re single and doing solo sex research, which is also very important). That means talking about it, as you do it and after you do it. 

Considering your sexual experimentation as ‘research’ can make it easier to do and easier to discuss. If you know you’re experimenting, then it matters less if you ‘fail’, in fact, finding what doesn’t work or feel good is just as important as finding out what does.

It’s a collaborative project, team-work, you’re both on the same side seeking the same outcomes. With this approach, you can’t get it wrong.

And you know what? It’s fun!

Available as a podcast: download here!

Given how busy and distracted we all are, it's the 'getting to sex' stage that's the most challenging for modern couples. I call this stage of sex 'beforeplay'. It's the transition phase necessary to remove you from the stresses of the day, and get the two of you connecting, maintaining the 'mmm' factor and building up some of that erotic tension...

- Lounge around the house in sexy and sensual lounging-round-the-house gear (a la Peter Alexander, ie comfy and sexy)

- Take the dog for a walk together in the evening (preferably you in a skirt with no knickers underneath)

- Sit on the back verandah together after dinner drinking wine and looking out at the stars (above dress code applies)

- Read good quality erotica

- Cook/eat/clean up dinner naked, or wearing just a robe and nothing underneath

- Hang out in your bedroom together having a cup of tea and a chat

- Play backgammon or do a jigsaw puzzle together

- Sit either end of the couch and give yourselves foot massages

- Have a bath and have him come in and give you a foot massage, or just sit on the bath and chat

- Take dessert up to the bedroom and finish it there

- Throw away the TV (ok, maybe a bit distract, but the TV is the biggest anti-sex device ever created)

It's not the most 'out there' phase of sex, but it is the most important. Most people need time to transition into sex (men as much as women).

So, with these ideas in mind, what gets ­you warmed up and ready for some lovin’?

Get this phase right and you’ll set yourselves up for sex that is as hot/sensual/wild/loving/kinky/adventurous/deep as it can possibly be!

Available as a podcast: download here!

Self help books, women’s magazines and traditional therapists extol the virtues of intimacy as the way to improve your relationship and therefore have better sex. The two key aspects to this ‘intimacy’ are:  1) to become more connected by spending more time together, and 2) to communicate (by speaking) every little thing about yourself, and conversely listening wondrously in rapt attention agreeing in perfect accord with every utterance.

Which would imply most of us haven’t got a snowflake’s chance in hell of having a decent sex life…

Fear not. You can breathe a sigh of relief because this means that in fact you will avoid that stifling arrangement of co-dependent ‘intimacy’ we too often think is the prerequisite for ‘happily ever after”.

Now certainly intimacy does require connection and communication, but it’s the how, the what and the how much that matters. Let’s look at the two fundamental aspects of intimacy - connection and communication - debunk a few myths and look at what really matters.

First, connection. Supposedly we need to have lots of quality time together to feel intimate. But in fact you don’t have to even be physically near each other to feel connected. Especially in this digital age there are myriad ways to connect without being physically present. Even when you are together, it doesn’t have to be ‘quality’ time, i.e. time that is spent highly focused on each other, more of that rapt attention stuff. Just spending time together in an unfocused hanging-out kind of way can actually be a better way of enjoying each other’s company than high intensity time together. (How often have you seen couples in restaurants eating without speaking? Not a lot of intimate connection going on there. They’d be better off doing the gardening together or going for a walk where there is more distraction, less intensity and surprisingly more ease of connection).

We’re also supposed to improve our ‘connection’ by sharing common interests and learning to enjoy those that aren’t in common. Well, that’s not necessary either. While it’s good to have some interests in common, you don’t have to have everything in common, and there’s no onus on you to learn to like those that aren’t. There’s nothing wrong with having different interests, it doesn’t mean you’re not suited, it doesn’t mean you’re not close. Quite the opposite, maintaining connection in the face of difference is bonding if you respect and appreciate the difference. 

This can be intimidating for some people though. They fear that sense of separateness. They fear that if they’re not fused they could lose the other person. These people become jealous and fiercely attached to their partner. Any sense of flirting is felt as potential or actual infidelity and is the hovering angel of death to the relationship. There is no trust, only a desperate clinging. This is not true intimacy.

It’s also intimidating because of the threat of rejection. If your partner is different to you then they may not agree with you and that can be a frightening thing. It’s scary to know that the person whose opinion you value the most and whose agreement you crave might reject your thought or action or opinion. Shock, horror, that could cause disharmony, and we all know that the “perfect relationship” is harmonious.

It might be, but not through fear of difference, only through appreciation of difference. If you’re holding yourself back and not expressing your true self, not living with a sense of integrity, because you fear your partner’s disapproval and crave their validation, then you are not being truly intimate.

When you interact like this you cannot have good communication, that quality so espoused by the self help gurus. Look, of course communication is essential, it’s how it’s done that matters. Too often communication is equated with speaking, whereas communication is effected through so many ways, not just spoken. Even considering the verbal aspect, more is communicated through tone of voice and body posture than the actual words (which is why arguing never works because the arguers are reacting to the tone not the content). But communication also occurs through touch, looks, through silence, through action, and definitely through sex. In fact when a couple have truly intimate sex they communicate their inner beings far more profoundly than any conversation could ever do.

Receiving the content of the communication is also crucial to effective conveying of meaning. But what is receiving content and how are you expected to respond? When the communication is spoken, listening openly to the other person is important, but it doesn’t have to be in rapt wonderment, affirming every utterance in mutual accord. Listen with respect, certainly, but not under any pressure to agree.

Just as importantly, being open to communication in non-verbal ways is essential to true intimacy, you can’t just expect verbal cues. Your partner expresses feelings and thoughts constantly, in actions, gestures, moods, silences, and of course, in making love with true intimacy.

Even being open to this type of communication requires true intimacy, because it requires you to show your real self without needing validation from the other person, and without feeling that you have to give it to the other person. True intimacy is not expressed through jealousy, fear or anxiety.

True intimacy requires integrity of your self. You need to show yourself and be seen. To do that you need separation, difference, distance, a sense of ‘other’. 

This is essential for good relationship, and it is essential for good sex. Why? Because only with true intimacy can you express your sexuality without fear of rejection or displeasure by your partner. It’s only when you can truly know and express your eroticism that you can enjoy the other key element to extraordinary sex: erotic tension.

Available as a podcast: download here!

Do you love unconditionally, or are there conditions to your love? You might have some romantic illusion that your love is pure, but really, it probably comes with a lot of strings attached. “I will love you if you love me” is the most obvious. There there is: “I will love you if you are nice to me”, “I will love you if you share my values and beliefs”, “I will love you if you agree with me”, “I will love you if you validate me”.