Available as a podcast: download here!

Think about electrical sockets. You have a masculine socket and a feminine socket. Bringing them together enables the energy to flow.

One socket is not more dominant than the other, one is not more important than the other, one does not have greater needs than the other. They are equally important, they have different but equal roles to play. The masculine socket enters the feminine socket; the feminine socket receives and holds the masculine socket. Then the energy can flow.

It’s the same with intercourse. It’s not about the penis penetrating a passive vagina. That’s such an aggressive concept. It’s about the penis entering the vagina and the vagina accepting and holding the penis. The vagina needs and wants the penis as much as the penis needs and wants the vagina. Then, and only then, can the energy flow.

Different but equal. Different but complementary. Each needs the other, each matches the other, the combination makes the energy flow.

Available as a podcast: download here!

When your lover is in absentia, it opens up wonderful possibilities for ‘distance sex’. With the range of technologies available these days, there’s no need to go celibate simply because your loved one’s not lying in bed next to you. In fact, absence can not only make the heart grow fonder, it can make the loins grow hotter!

So here are some pointers.

Keep it Real

Just because you’re talking sex with your lover, doesn’t mean you have to go all slutty and dirty like the paid phone sex girls - unless that’s your thing! If you think you have to be something other than who you really are, then you’re going to feel awkward and it’s not going to feel good for either of you. So be yourself - mostly…

Push it a Little

Having said that, this is your opportunity to play and fantasise. I’ve had clients make amazing strides forward in opening up to each other, by being playful in their phone/email/skype/text sex. You can start to push your comfort zones a little, because it’s safe, it’s just words!

Start Simple

If you’re wondering how to start, keep it simple. A comment like: “I was thinking about you last night in bed…” could be enough to get things going if your partner replies with: “Oh, yes, and what were you thinking…” From there you can start to describe something fairly normal for you, such as: “I was thinking how wonderful it feels when you caress my skin…” Then continue describing something that you regularly do and would like to be doing with your partner, or describe some particularly good sex that you have had in the past.

Get Creative

Once you’re comfortable with the general idea of talking about sex and describing sex with your partner, then you can start getting creative. You can ask each other questions such as:

• ‘What’s one thing we haven’t done that you’d like to do?’
• ‘What’s something you’d like to do with me that you wish you (or I) were brave enough?’
• ‘What’s something you wouldn’t actually want to do in real life, but the thought of it turns you on?’

Once you’ve got the germ of an idea, play with it. Put yourself in that situation and imagine how it might be.

The World’s Your Oyster

In fact, you might find it easier to be totally in fantasy land. Pretend you’re in another age, or another culture, even another planet! What periods of history do you find sexiest? Perhaps a book or movie has inspired you. Could you be a pirate queen with her captive, the sultan or chief courtesan in a Turkish harem, lords and ladies in the court of King Louis, slaves or guests at an orgy in Roman times…? The possibilities are endless. Start describing any of these scenarios to your partner, and see where it takes you!

Get Your Partner Involved

You don’t have to do all the work! Ask your partner questions along the way, get them to suggest what they’d like or how they’d like the conversation to go. That makes it twice the fun!

Keep it Light

If the conversation starts going in a direction you don’t feel comfortable with, don’t panic! Let your partner know that that’s enough for the time being, to be continued later. Or steer the conversation back in a direction you do feel comfortable with. You can always start with: “Oh, I don’t think so! I think this might happen…” Keep it light, keep it playful.

Don’t Take Anything Personally

Importantly, if your partner says anything that upsets you, don’t turn nasty and take it out on your partner. You need to realise that you’re both playing with your boundaries here, you’re both testing ideas and thoughts, it’s as much a learning experience as a sexual experience.

Cheat

If you’re really stuck with what to say, get a book of erotica and read one of the short stories to your partner. That could be enough in itself, or be the basis of further discussion….

Like anything, it can be awkward to get started, but you get better with practice. You’ll probably surprise yourself with just how creative you can get!

Available as a podcast: download here!

Can you makeover your sex life? Of course you can! That’s what I’m all about!

Essentially a makeover is when you realise you’re not living up to your potential in some area of life and set about changing that. Many people simply accept their ‘lot’ in life, excusing even the possibility of change with beliefs that: ‘I’m too old’, ‘I’m too poor’, ‘I’m too whatever’. Other people realise that we create our own lives, so it’s up to us to choose to be however we want to be. This applies as much to sex as any other part of life.

In fact, I think a sexual makeover is essential to any makeover. As I keep repeating, we are essentially sexual creatures, our sexuality is fundamental to our being, and therefore to our wellbeing.  So if you’re considering a lifestyle makeover, you’ve got to include sex!

Sometimes people say to me that they’ll fix the other ‘stuff’ before they address sex. No, no, no, I say! Sex is at the base! So start at the base! Start transforming your sexuality and you’ll start transforming your life.

This is one of the things I love about sex. Once you really start looking at your sexuality and working on your sex life, everything changes. It can’t help but change. It’s potent stuff.

So how do you go about a sexual makeover? As with any makeover:

• Firstly, by acknowledging that you need to do it.

• Secondly, by believing that it’s possible.

• Thirdly, clarifying your desired outcome.

• Fourthly, getting the advice/support/inspiration you need.

• Fifthly, doing it!

It’s up to you to take the first step. 

From then on I can help:

So much of what I do is dispelling the myths around sex that hold us back. Anyone can improve their sex life if they choose to.  So I can help you believe it’s possible.

Most people have no idea of our human sexual potential. There’s so little information around about what sex is, why it exists, how it helps us, how it can manifest. Most of the west seems to be milling around primary school level, when there’s veritable post-graduate possibilities out there! I can fill you on that too.

Clearly I can help with the fourth step. Whether it’s private coaching and therapy, attending a workshop, or reading these blog posts, there’s bucket-loads of advice/support/inspiration to be had. And of course, not just by me, there’s an increasing amount of sex-positive information and services available these days.

Then once again, it’s up to you to take the fifth step. You can have all the guidance and support in the world - you’re the only one who can do it.

Transform your sex life - transform your life - transform the world!

(Seriously, imagine if everyone in the world made over their sex life and was having great sex, how much happier would this planet be!)

 

 

Available as a podcast: download here!

Greetings from Vietnam! I’m here for two weeks doing a spiritual retreat again. This week my partner, Oscar, is doing it as it’s his first time, and I’ll be doing next week’s as it’s my second. So I have a week to relax and reflect in an extremely beautiful and serene garden resort on the shores of the South China Sea.

I’ve been doing a lot of writing for my next book on female sexual archetypes - which will be a world first in the new literary genre of therapeutic erotica! More of that another time…

What has been interesting has been observing the participants of this week’s retreat. Over the five days of the retreat there has been an observable change in them, and they all report a significant change within themselves. Five days of guided meditations and discussions clearly shifts ‘stuff’ for people. This is a great example of neuroplasticity - the brain changing its circuitry. Given the opportunity for stillness and guided reflection, the circuits of these people are changing quite rapidly. This change in the brain allows for definite and continued positive change from here on.

I love the fact that brain researchers have proven this plasticity. Many years ago as an undergraduate biochemistry student studying neuroscience, I was dismayed that the thinking of the day was that the brain was simply a computer and the job of the scientist was to figure out what the bits were and how they interacted. I remember being scoffed at for suggesting it might be otherwise. So I didn’t pursue that line of study.

Now we know that the brain is a wonderful organic system that constantly changes and adapts to the inputs coming into it, all through life. So if your life is stressful and you input negative thoughts, your brain circuitry will reinforce and reflect that reality. That will become the filter through which you experience the world - as negative and stressful. If you have positive thoughts and experiences then your brain will reinforce and reflect that reality - you’ll be looking at the world with a rose-coloured brain!

It becomes a feedback loop - either increasingly negative or increasingly positive.

The exciting thing is that you can change your circuitry. Working on your personal growth is essentially about rewiring your brain.

Which brings me to sex. If you have negative views, expectations and experiences around sex you can change them to positive ones. You don’t have to be stuck in your ‘story’ (brain circuitry) that says that sex is scary/disgusting/sinful/odd/boring/painful/unnecessary/addictive. Your story about not being into sex because: you’re a mother/disabled/old/from a repressed background/a victim of abuse/too busy/too tired/too whatever; or your story that you’re entitled to sex because you’re a man/married/a helpless addict/a victim of abuse/stressed/whatever - can be changed.

One of the wonderful things about sex, is that you can change your neural wiring to more positive circuits while actually having sex, assuming it’s intimate sex. Just as the participants on the retreat here are making huge changes in a short amount of time through quietness and concentrated reflection, so can you make major sexual changes through a more sensual, subtle approach to sex and intimacy.

Making love in a beautiful environment, calm, soft and inviting is the start. Then progressing slowly with loving touch, melting hugs, feeling each others' presence as much as your bodies, gazing into each others yes, gives your brain the time and space to rewire in positive ways. Over time, the wiring in your brain will respond to the thought of sex in a positive way, knowing that it is an enjoyable positive experience. It will send messages throughout your body to prepare it for pleasure through the release of hormones, muscle relaxation, slowing your heartbeat, etc.

When two people’s brains are wired sex-positively, they come together in openness, not anxiety/resignation/annoyance/fear of rejection, etc. The more you come together in this way, the stronger the wiring becomes and the easier it is to enjoy love-making.

This applies to solo sex too. The more you send positive messages to your brain, the more you experience enjoyable solo sex, the better the brain rewires to reinforce the view that solo sex (and the genitals involved) is good.

It’s important that you reinforce this rewiring in the whole of your life. Surround yourself with things and experiences that heighten your senses, your enjoyment of life. Avoid people with a sex-negative view of the world and reach out and interact with people with a positive view. Reading this newsletter is a great example! As is attending my workshops, or seeing me privately.

Remember it’s a positive feedback loop, the more positivity you put in your life, the more positive it becomes, and due to neuralplasticity, it becomes increasingly easier to be more positive - until you get to the point where it’s your natural state of being and you can’t help but be joyful!

Who’s brain are we talking about? Yours. So it’s up to you to take control of your brain, make the choice to feed it positively. Honour your life and your role in creating it whichever way you choose. Your brain will back you up on that, but you’re the creator.