Available as a podcast: download here!
So often people contact me to say that they want to come in for private sex therapy and coaching sessions, or that they want to attend one of my Tantra Fusion workshops….but their partner doesn’t.

“How can I persuade him/her to come along?” they plead.

It’s a tricky one. You love your partner and you want to improve your sexual connection and through that your life together. You’re willing to open up to me in private sessions, or expose yourself in a group situation (not literally, my workshops are decidedly clothes on!), yet your partner is reluctant.

There are a number of reasons why your partner might be reluctant:
- S/He thinks you’ve got the problem not them;
- S/He assumes anything to do with sex will be sordid and so don’t want to be involved;
- S/He doesn’t think sex is important so can’t see why you’d want to change or improve anything;
- S/He is unwilling to go to sex therapy because they are too embarrassed to talk about sex in front of another person, even a professional sex therapist;
- S/He is unwilling to attend a Tantra Fusion Workshop because they think it’ll be embarrassing.

Often it just comes down to fear, in which case gentle persuasion over time can be helpful. You can start sex therapy on your own, and once you start reporting back to your partner that it’s ok, that I’m easy to talk to and that the sessions are positive and uplifting, then your partner may agree to come along.

If it’s not fear, it can be that they are simply not into you. They may mask that by saying that sex isn’t important or that you’ve got the problem not them, but essentially they are saying they don’t think your relationship is important enough to prioritise and work on. So you can put up with that and do nothing, go along as you have been, nothing changing (or least, nothing improving, it can always get worse), or you can make a stand and insist that it is important. If he or she still won’t be involved, well, what can I say, it’s up to you to decide whether their level of commitment to the relationship is enough for you.

Whew, that was a bit heavy! It’s a shame, because the workshops are beautiful and uplifting, and the private sessions are engaging and useful. Of course, my particular style of therapy or my workshops may not be for everyone, but once you’ve found someone good to work with, well, the sky’s the limit. Improving your sexual relating improves your relationship, which improves your life. Sex and intimacy is so fundamental to it all.

So if your partner is reluctant, come along on your own, to sessions and workshops. The change in you will inspire them to join in. And if it doesn’t, well, you’ll have grown to the point of being able to make a decision about what is right for you.

Available as a podcast: download here!

There’s a misbelief that Tantra takes a long time, that it requires hours of sensual, ecstatic pleasuring. It can be, but it can also be quick.

Tantric sex is not about the amount of time that it takes, it’s about the presence that it’s done with. When two people come together with mindfulness, when they are completely present with every movement, when their love-making is a flowing dance - it doesn’t matter if it’s a gentle snuggle under the sheets late at night or early morning, or if it’s a rough and vigorous ravishing, or indeed hours of sensuality, it’s the dance and flow of connected energy between the parties. (This applies just as much to solo sex and group sex.)

If you are new to the Tantric or mindful approach to sex you may need to take time to truly connect, engaging in breath and sensual touch activities to allow yourself to ‘sink in to sync in’ as I described in the previous post.

If you are experienced with this work then you may need no preparation at all, the sinking in to yourself and the syncing in between you happens in moments. Personally I love it in the morning when my lover rolls over to cuddle me and I invite his penis in with no preparation, often it’s not even particularly hard. We can lie there together with little or no movement, at other times it moves into some serious ravishing! But it doesn’t last long because the day looms.

That’s the beauty of the Tantric mindful approach, you can engage in the bathroom while the kids are having their breakfast, you can nip into a spare room while out at a party, in the car, before you get up, as you’re getting ready to go out.

It’s not about orgasm, about needing to ‘get off’; it’s about connection and generating a yummy sexual energy within and between you.

In fact you need to have these quick and deep connections, it’s all part of keeping the connection between you strong, keeping the ‘mmm’ factor alive in your relationship. It also keeps the woman’s ‘water energy’ simmering, so she’s open and receptive and coming from a place of ‘yes!’ - or reigniting his ‘fire energy’ if his spark has gone out.

It’s really about having a seamless transition between all aspects of life; allow life to flow rather than putting all your energy into controlling it. 

Available as a podcast:  

Available as a podcast: download here!

It’s Autumn, that “season of mists and mellow fruitfulness” to quote Keats. It’s a time of ripening and reaching fulfilment - doesn’t that sound so sexual!

It’s not an intense, fiery time of year though, and as regular readers will well know, I don’t advocate an overly intense approach to sex. Too many people go too soon too quickly, without allowing the time for the ‘ripening’ and so can’t achieve real sexual fulfilment.

This takes connection, a ‘sinking in’ within oneself and with each other. It’s different to the rapid approach to sexual excitation, which is the more normal mode in this society. With this sinking in comes a great connection, a ‘syncing in’, where you can let go and really feel each other, really tune in and the two do become one. 

This is so different to the ‘performance’ approach so many people are trapped in, with each person in their head, wondering if they’re doing the right thing, responding in the right way, etc, etc.

With sinking in to sync in, it’s not about the head, it’s about two bodies moving in union, in an unstructured flow of pleasure. No expectations, no focus on orgasm, it’s just about the pleasure. And that pleasure can be slow and sensual or intense and hard, it can be short or it can continue for hours. It simply is what it is.

It’s about mindfulness, being present in the moment. Using your breath, your awareness, stilling the monkey chatter, letting go of distractions, and simply being there, allowing your eroticism to express in whatever way is real.

So in this mellow season, take the time to sink in, to connect mindfully and with presence. It’s awesome!