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If you've been practicing the exercises from my blog a couple of weeks ago, you should be feeling a change in your pelvis, feeling more present and connected to your genital region. This is a good thing.

Give your pelvic floor a squeeze now, notice how it connects you to your pelvic area. Breath into your belly and do some more squeezes, nice and relaxed. 

Connect with your Pelvis
The first advanced pleasure is simply that - to connect with your pelvis. So many people are disconnected from their pelvises. Increasing the connection will help men last longer and men and women to have better orgasms.

Recharge Yourself
You can also your pelvic floor to draw energy up your body, to recharge yourself. Visualise an energy centre in your pelvis. It could be a flame, a cloud of electricity, a pulsing gem, whatever comes to mind. Then as you squeeze and relax, keeping your breath low and calm, imagine that with the squeezes you are drawing energy up your body, either up your spine or up your middle.

Please note that if you’re doing a lot of energy raising in this way, it’s important that you also lower and centre the energy at the end of your practice. All you need to do is put your hands on your belly and visualise the energy you’ve raised sinking back down.

Extend Sexual Pleasure
Do this when you’re masturbating, drawing up the energy when you’re highly aroused but before you orgasm. Notice how that can heighten the pleasure and hold off the orgasm. Then do it after you’ve come, and notice how it can extend the yummy orgasmic feelings and allow them to flow through your whole body, not just your genitals.

Share Energy with your Partner
Do this with your partner. Sit cross-legged facing each other, gazing into each other’s eyes and draw the energy up. Do it holding hands, do it with your left hand on your own chest and your right hand covering your partners left hand. Notice any feelings and sensations that arise within you and between you.

Massage the Penis with your Vagina
Do it with your partner when the penis is in the vagina, no thrusting. Ladies, give your partner’s penis a good cuddle with your vagina, stroke it with your muscles, give it a massage. This is one of the more fun ways to strengthen your pelvic floor. As your muscles become more toned he’ll be able to feel a lot more from the vagina stroking.

Last Longer
Gentlemen, to last longer when you’re inside your partner’s lovely vagina, you need to be very present in your penis, very connected to your penis and through it to her. Switch off your brain and feel with your penis. Use your pelvic floor muscles to keep your focus there. And as described above, draw the sexual energy away from the end of your penis back into your body when you feel the excitement build too high.

It’s a powerful thing, the pelvic floor. When combined with belly breathing, it really does:

- centre you 

- connect upper and lower body

- allow for energy flow within the body (and prevents energy ‘leaks’)

- provide more blood flow and oxygen to the pelvis

- improve sexual pleasure and orgasm

And because of all that it:

- keeps you youthful and vital.


So squeeze away!

Would you like to learn more about outrageously good sex and loving? Then book in to my Tantra Fusion Workshops, or have private sex therapy and/or Tantra sessions.

Available as a podcast: download here!
I've been doing a lot of media interviews lately where the topic of erotic literature comes up, due to the current success of Fifty Shades of Grey. I'm asked whether it's good for people's sex lives.

Absolutely! I reply.

This is for three reasons:

1. Turn Yourself On

Erotica is sexy, so reading it is a good way to get in the mood for sex. Whether you read it leading up to a delightful session of solo play, or perhaps in the bath before meeting your partner in your boudoir for some partnered love-making, it’s an excellent way to start warming yourself up.

2. Know Your Eroticism

What turns you on is a personal thing, we all like different things and there are no should or shouldn’ts when it comes to what you like (as long as it’s between consenting living adult humans). By reading erotica, especially short stories, you can discover what elements of eroticism do it for you. Some stories you’ll read and think: “Oh yes, I like that!” so you might want to explore that eroticism; others will be: “Oh no, that leaves me cold/turns me off” so you know you’re not interested in exploring that eroticism; and some will be: “Ooh, I’m not sure if I like that or not…” in which case it could be worth exploring, if you’re brave enough!

3. Spice Up Your Sex Play

Reading erotica aloud to each other is very sexy and can be part of your beforeplay - or turn it into a game where you try to distract the reader, as part of your foreplay…

More importantly, reading erotica alone or together will give you insights into what you and your partner like. Then you can experiment with adding elements to your own sex play. The stories might be more extreme than you necessarily would be comfortable with, so ask yourself how you could add milder elements to your own life. If, for example, you liked the voyeuristic elements of a story about a couple being watched while they have sex, perhaps you could have sex by an open window or on a balcony. If a story about bondage turns you on, you can always play with stockings and scarves from your own cupboard for a less scary experience, or purchase feathered handcuffs or silken rope for a sensual bondage experience. 

You could explore this further by writing some erotica together: you write a paragraph, then your partner writes the next, then you the next, and so on… See what interesting places that takes you to!

There’s plenty of very good erotica around these days. Good book stores have an erotica section. Some adult shops sell erotica - Maxxx Black has a particularly fine range. 

Just on the topic of erotica, I pen a pretty good story myself, and am putting the finishing touches to my next book on Sex Goddesses for the modern woman. It contains about 30 erotic vignettes to illustrate the concepts, and will be the world’s first book in the brand new genre of Educational Erotica. I’m very excited about this!

That’ll be a fourth reason to read erotica!

Book in for private sessions or attend Tantra Fusion Workshops to explore your eroticism.

Available as a podcast: download here!
As you know, I'm a sex geek and I'm a scientist. I also have experiences that are not considered mainstream, in particular sexual experiences. As a practitioner of both Tantra and Sensual Kink, I have ecstatic experiences and enter blissful states that are quite different and far more pleasurable than what is considered 'normal sex'.

I am not exaggerating when I say that normal sex is to this type of sex what a fast food hamburger is to gourmet cooking (keeping in mind that sometimes a hamburger is just fine, and you don’t have to like fine food).

So the geek in me asks ‘why?’ What’s going on that I experience this and others don’t? I’m not delusional, and I have met plenty of other people who have similar experiences.

Historically it’s clear that we suppressed sexuality in the West, particularly female sexuality, so when sexual liberation came in the 1970s we really didn’t know anything. 

Scientifically I feel that scientific interest in sex has been so focused on reproduction and disease that there has been very little focus on sexual pleasure, let alone sexual bliss and ecstasy. It’s still mired in the values of the past where sex was not considered something ‘higher’ and therefore worthy of study. 

Socially I feel that because people don’t know what they don’t know they’re not looking for it. Although I do believe that is shifting as people start to realise that there’s got to be more to sex than prudery or porn.

So back to the ‘why’. I’ve written and spoken and lectured at length about the approach to sex that leads to these states. What’s going on in the body though?

I suspect it works at two levels:

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What is the difference between erotic and sleazy or sordid? What is the difference between when something is positive and life-enhancing sexually and when it’s not, when it detracts from life?

I was having a conversation with my 16-year old son today pointing out that telling ribald jokes in front of his 10-year old sister is not good. “Oh yeah, but Mum, you’ve got dildos in your office,” he replied, implying: ”you’re not one to talk”. I pointed out that the work I do is not about dildos per se, it’s about the energy and the emotion behind its use. So you can take a dildo and turn it into something really smutty and disgusting, something that makes the users feel bad about themselves and sex in general, or you can use it a way which makes them feel good about themselves and sex. 

I think this is really important, because we're so mired in the Adolescent Male Masturbatory Model of Sex, which prevails in our society. Because we suppressed sex for so long, the type of sex that has grown from the 1970s is based on an immature form of male sexuality, which is much more about overt sleaze and less about the internal erotic.

To me the erotic is something that is deeply moving, that moves you from within, something that turns you on, makes you desire sex, desire love-making, that makes you want to open to your partner. The erotic is something that takes you places. This is only possible if it comes from a very positive place, if the emotions and feelings that it generates are deep. 

Eroticism is not about limiting sexuality, it’s solely about positive sexually. If that eroticism is simple, great; if it’s wild and wicked, great. The only question is: what is the impact on you as a person, on your personal growth and your relationship growth - is it something that enhances life? So don’t avoid or cut things out because you think they’re bad. It’s not the act that’s bad, only where it’s coming from. BDSM, anal sex, same sex, insert-your-choice-of-wrong-sex* can all come from very positive places - just as mainstream under-the-covers sex can be really awful if it’s not generating something good. Obligation sex of any kind falls into the bad category.

It’s so important to tap into our eroticism and allow ourselves to become free and open up to the sublime potential of our sexuality.

* I am of course referring to activities between consenting, living, adult humans.