A common question from clients and workshop participants, not to mention people I bump into at parties etc, is how to expand their sexual play.

As I often say, there’s a veritable smorgasbord of sexual possibilities, so why limit yourself to meat and three veg (with vanilla ice-cream as a special treat!)? Unless of course all you actually like is meat and three veg. I keep stressing that there are no ‘shoulds’ in sex, the important thing is to find out what is real for you and honour that. So if you really only like meat and three veg type sex, that’s fine. But if you’re curious about sushi or ravioli, then give it a go! And if you like it, then make it a regular part of you life.

Now, some people are firmly in the meat and three veg camp, and others have already have a good look at the whole menu and sampled widely. I’m talking to all of you in-between. Some of you might not even know what’s on the menu! Or where to find a menu! So this is particularly for you.

In this post I’m going to look at what’s on the menu. In the next post we’ll be looking at how you and your partner decide what you’d like - unlike food, with sexual play you both need to be trying the same thing, so complete agreement is necessary.

 

Positions: there are numerous variations on the five basic positions of man on top, woman on top, from behind, side-by-side, and sitting and standing. Try them using pillows and cushions to raise and lower body parts or to recline upon..

Places: Get off the bed and onto the floor, on the window sill, on couches, tables, washing machine (when it’s on), back verandah, in the shower, in the shed.

Props: check out your local sex shop or hunt around the house for items to spark up your play, more ideas in the sections below.

Clothes: make undressing part of your play, undressing your partner or doing a striptease yourself; leave some clothes on during sex. You might find particular clothes are arousing, such as lingerie, leather, corsets, PVC, or ridiculously high-heeled shoes that you leave on…

Sensory arousal and deprivation: heighten your senses by blindfolding your partner (or both of you!) and feeding them delicious morsels of food; or touching them with different items both soft and harsh; or putting on head-phones while delighting other senses. Have scented candles or incense, scented oils and lotions. Play sensual music in the background. Drip honey, liqueur, chocolate topping over your lover’s body and lick it off. Smear strawberry jam all over them with your body. I could go on for ever, I’m sure you get the idea…

Erotic massage: Give each other an erotic massage –you’re both naked, or near naked, lavish on the oil, include the genitals (no oil in the vagina though), use long luscious strokes using your whole body on theirs. For the more adventurous, consider a couples massage at a massage parlour. The tamer version is to have  massages at the same time in a couples room in a mainstream Thai massage parlour (non-genital). Or if you want more sexual play then there are massage services that go that little bit further…

Fetishes: You might find you have a particular ‘thing’ that turns you on. These are fetishes, and including them into your sexual play can intensify the experience. Your fetish could be a type of clothing, it could be being walked on. Or odder things like stuffed toys or enemas (yes, the mind boggles, but as long as it’s not obsessive and your partner agrees…)

Restraint: Being tied up heightens the senses, and in some people can help them get into a blissful ‘sub-space’. For others it’s just fun and strengthens trust while allowing greater arousal. You can use stockings (following a striptease can be good), ties, belts, as well as rope. You can buy special bondage rope from sex shops or any soft rope from your local hardware store. Make sure you keep the binds loose enough so that blood flow is not constricted, and read the next post on safe words. You can also buy handcuffs and bondage tape for the same effect. Adding blindfolds, gags and masks can add to the experience, but make sure there’s always consent. For anything other than the simplest binds, it’s a good idea to have medical shears handy in case you need to cut the tie quickly. 

Pain as pleasure: For some people the release of endorphins that accompanies pain in a sexual context is very pleasurable and arousing. Spanking with the bare hand or hitting with whips, paddles and various household items (spatulas, fly swats, rulers, brushes), can feel good. Start with the buttocks or upper back (avoid the kidney area), warming the skin up with light strokes and gradually increasing in intensity. Always follow the receiver’s cues as to whether it’s good for them or not. Often the pleasure will come after the strokes have finished. Pain can also be administered on the nipples with fingernails or clamps (clothes pegs or implements from a sex shop). For the more adventurous, pain can also be administered to the genitals (take it very slowly!!), both in terms of strokes or clamps.

Dominance & submission: This type of play (called D/s) often accompanies restraint and pain. One partner takes the dominant role in administering the treatment, and the other takes the submissive role in receiving it. This can be a huge turn-on for some people. Keep in mind that the purpose is pleasure, and each is doing it for the pleasure they and their partner are getting. It’s also the submissive one who is actually setting the limits of play.

Role plays: The D/s play can manifest in role plays: teacher-student, soldier-captive, master-slave, employer-servant, doctor-patient, police officer-prisoner, etc. Or you might just like to role play a particular period of history or cultural group or be animals. You can dress up in costume for the role-play, or simply talk each other through a scenario while having sex. You can take your role play out into the world: ‘strangers’ meeting in a bar, a wealthy man and his call-girl (or business woman and her gigolo) out to dinner, just to get your creative processes started…

Erotic talk and stories: As described above, you can describe an erotic scenario while having sex. Or you can do it as foreplay. Reading aloud erotic stories can be a big turn-on and help get you in the mood and feeling creative. Speaking seductively can help your partner lose themselves, and when you’re really aroused quite dirty talk can also be a turn-on.

Taking photos and movies: In these days of digital cameras, it’s easy and safe to take photos of movies of yourself as part of your sexual play. You can keep them for later if you like to watch, or delete them straight away if the turn on is the taking of it and not the watching. Combine with role plays for added effect. And for the adventurous there are websites where you can post your creations.

Erotic shows and film: Porn is the most obvious, but watching an erotic movie might be more of a turn-on. Look through the art house section of your video store for inspiration. Burlesque shows are making a comeback with great performers around. More mainstream strip shows can be an interesting outing for a couple, either the more tasteful gentleman’s clubs, or even a down and dirty show in the sleazy part of town could be an adventure. The sexy parties mentioned below often have good performances.

Threesomes, Foursomes, Moresomes: Having sex with others is a turn-on for many people. You can invite a third person into your couple play, or invite another couple. You can limit the level of sexual engagement with the other person/people if you don’t feel comfortable with full sex. You might just like to watch others, or be watched by them. You can meet people on-line or go to swingers clubs.

Parties: The capital cities have regular sexy adult parties where you can dress up and dance the night away. Often they are a place to meet like-minded people, particularly if you’re looking to swing a little, and respectful flirting is encouraged. For those of you with more of a kinky streak, there are public BDSM (bondage discipline & sadomasochism) parties where you can dress up in your finest fetish gear, and dance the night away while engaging in some public flogging. For the more adventurous, you might find yourself on the invite list for private parties where more adventurous play is permitted. (Or arrange your own...)

Public Sex: Having sex outdoors can be a lot of naughty fun. At the tamest level it could be going out without knickers on and making sure your partner knows. It could be ducking up an alley or behind a tree for a full-on pash (yep, just like teenagers). Sex in the car on the side of the road, or fondling your partner while driving so only truck drivers can see. Having sex on a hotel balcony or at a window is good. The possibilities are endless…

 

Whew! So there’s the smorgasbord, and I’m sure I’ve left plenty out.

Now that I’ve whetted your appetite. In the next post we'll look at how you go about it.

Humans love watching people have sex. The voyeuristic elements of sex have been part of human sexuality as far back as recorded history goes, and probably beyond. Erotic art is found around the world from all eras. Even in sexually repressed periods such as Victorian England there was a flourishing trade in postcards of nudes, and amazing little paper contraptions that mimicked the sex act. There wouldn't be too many men around these days who didn’t have girlie magazines stuffed under this mattress as a teenager, which their girlfriends also looked at in fascination.

 

And now we have a proliferation of porn on the internet. So is this good or bad?

 

Well, it is inevitable. We are a voyeuristic species, particularly the male of the species, and we’re an inventive species, so inevitably we’ll use the latest technology to increase voyeuristic opportunities. And hey, there’s nothing intrinsically wrong with watching people having sex to get turned on.

 

But like all other indulgent activities, whether it be eating chocolate, buying shoes, having a massage, you need to be know how much of a good thing is good and how much slips over into one of the deadly sins (gluttony, greed, sloth, etc).

 

Just as a small amount of chocolate makes you feel good, too much makes you feel sick, you get fat and unhealthy; purchasing a pair of fabulous shoes makes you feel happy and gorgeous, but too many make you feel guilty and ruins your bank balance; and an hour of massage is relaxing and invigorating, but too much is enervating and makes you fall asleep – so too can porn titillate and turn you on, but too much becomes obsessive and interferes with true sexual connection with your partner.

 

One of the problems with porn, as with so much in our ‘quick fix’ society is that it’s too easy. Just switch on the computer and there you are immersed in sexual arousal. It’s like buying a take-away rather than making it yourself. And while you could quite happily live your life eating take-away food with no bad consequence, it doesn’t work with sex if you’re partnered. Sex with a partner is like the home-cooked meal, it takes time, and generally the more attention you put into the making of it, the better the results.

 

Another problem with porn is that many people think that what they’re watching is good sex. But porn is designed to be visually stimulating, so it’s what looks good, not necessarily what feels good. You don’t see men going down on women in porn because it’s visually boring, women going down on men is visually interesting. You don’t see men ejaculating inside women because it’s visually boring, the cum shot over the face or breasts is visually interesting.

 

Just as importantly, people need to remember that it’s not real. The women might look like they’re enjoying themselves, but they’re actresses paid to look like that! The male actors are also selected on criteria that would make 99% of men feel inadequate size-wise, and their apparent ability to last and last is based on the skill of the film editor, not the actor himself!

 

You’re not going to learn to be a great lover by watching porn. It might turn you on, and it might give you some ideas, but if that’s what you’re expecting sex to be like, you’re going to be disappointed.

 

Good sex is not about acting, it’s not about what looks good, it’s about what feels good. Often the two do overlap, and what feels good might look like porn, but not necessarily, and not inevitably, and to get to that takes time and connection, not a quick fix.

 

So if you like porn, great, watch it, but remember that it’s just visual titillation, nothing more.

 

 

I had an interesting few days recently, running a workshop for women, followed two days later with a seminar for men.

Available as a podcast: download here!

Life in the 21^st century is fast paced, so fast paced that it’s easy to get caught up in all the busy-ness.

Busy isn’t bad, not if you’re relishing life as you busily experience it. But, and it’s a BIG but, if you let life carry you along on an endless wave of manic activity, then you won’t even notice you’re living, you won’t be enjoying it, and you won’t be making the time to savour all the wonderful things that life offers – including sex!

Wouldn’t you love sex to be a blissful haven away from all that frenetic stuff?

Wouldn’t you love to have sex that leaves you renewed and refreshed, that leaves you feeling fabulous?

Here are the seven fundamental sex tips to help you as a busy person have that blissful haven of fabulous sex. Read them, and, if they make sense to you and you want practical advice on how to use the Secrets in your life, buy and read my full book “Sex Secrets for Busy People”.

Sex Tip Number 1: Sex is Energy

Why would a busy person bother to have sex anyway?

Because sex recharges you. Have fantastic sex and you can hit the fray running.

People often moan to me about not having enough energy for sex, so they don’t do it (or at least, don’t do what it takes to make it good). Well, here’s the thing – good sex frees up your energy. So if you’re feeling depleted, have some sex and liberate your energy.

Instead of running on empty, run on full. Use sex to recharge yourself (and it’s a lot more fun than filling up at a petrol station!) We’ve all got access to this energy. It’s a matter of accessing it. 

Sex Tip Number 2: Sex is Awareness

Sex happens from the inside out. It’s something you experience from within you. It’s an act of sensuality that you experience and gets better and better as you become more connected to your own sensuality. 

All of us are born with an inner sensuality and an exquisite capacity for pleasure, but if you’ve been busy and exhausted for a long time you may have lost touch with inner talent for feeling good.

You can reconnect again and so get more in touch with all your senses, heighten your sensuality and heighten your experience of sex. Experience the sensuous spoon, and practice really and truly eating a peach?

Sex Tip Number 3: Sex is Attitude

Forget your genitals! Well, not entirely, but did you know that the neo-cortex is the most erotic part of our bodies? That’s the front part of the brain. It’s the part that animals don’t have, or don’t have much of. Other parts of our brain deal with the more instinctive sides of sex, reproduction and so forth. But the neocortex is special. It allows the sublimely human part of sex, the part that raises us above the animals and takes us closer to the angels. The neocortex provides us with the ability to think and imagine and fantasize and desire, to use our minds.

The bad news is that the ability our brains have to engage our imagination is the same ability that that causes us embrace limiting beliefs that put so many blocks in the path of our enjoyment of sex.

The good news is that you can learn to make your fabulously human brain work to cut through all those worn-out, wet-blanket beliefs and limiting myths and misconceptions about sex and take on new, life-affirming, sex affirming beliefs. 

Sex Tip Number 4: Sex is Part of the Rest of Your Life

The first three tips are all about how even as a busy person you can create the space in your heart, body and mind for sex. But it would be all theoretical and it will all stay in your heart, body and mind and go no further if you’re too frenetic, frenzied and frazzled in the rest of your life to even think about sex, let alone actually do it.

You have to make space in your life for sex.

You have to make time in your life for sex.

You need to learn how to make the space and time in your life to make sex happen, and that means learning how to be a little bit more organized so that you’ve got the structure in your life to allow that space and time to open up for you. It’s all about integrating sex in your life so that sex compliments and enhances the rest of your life.

 

Sex Tip Number 5: Sex is a Time and a Place

Once you’ve freed up some time and space in your life for sex, you have to create the moment.

Now that you have the time and place you have to make the time and place.

This is about making the most of the time and space that you’ve freed up for sex. Turn your bedroom into a boudoir. Use your environment to do the work for you, let it get you in the mood.

Create the moment for sex. If you think sex ‘should’ be spontaneous, you’re probably putting up with mediocre sex (if you’re getting any at all) when with just a little more planning and effort you could be having brilliant sex.

Sex Tip Number 6: Sex is Intimacy

Now we’ve got your mind in the right space and we’ve got the space in your life. What’s missing? Your partner!

It (generally) takes two for sex and a certain kind of two to have fantastic sex.

It’s true that great sex between complete strangers have been known to happen, but it’s so much better to have fabulous sex with a partner you love. Extraordinary, energy-enriching, life-enriching sex requires genuine intimacy. That’s intimacy where two individuals come together with honesty and integrity, free of judgement and free of the need for validation from the other.

When you have this kind of genuine intimacy you can express your true eroticism.

Sex Tip Number 7: Sex is an Art

Sex might be natural, but GREAT sex is an Art.

Like any other art, the Fine Art of Sex takes understanding and practice to master. And like any fine art, the results can be sublime.

The Fine Art of Sex means merging genuine, unfused intimacy with erotic tension,  then adding the final element of playful creativity. The result is endless masterpieces of awesome sex that generate an on-going level of energy to keep even the busiest of people going!

The Fine Art of Sex combines all the Sex Secrets – Energy, Awareness, Attitude, Integration, Environment and Intimacy into a creative whole.

To buy the book, click here and it will take to you to my bookshop.

 

Available as a podcast: download here!

Have you been practicing eating a peach? Savouring its juicy lushness…?

Have you found within you the ability to lose yourself in that peach, to taste, suck, lick and devour it with full sensory awareness and heightened arousal?

Well, hold that space and let’s take that a step further. We’re going to add some technique and look at how to consume an ice-cream.

(If you haven’t read my post on how to eat a peach, go back and read that first, you want to be in that space before continuing.)

The thing about enjoying a peach in that way is that it is all about you receiving the pleasure and sensation of the peach. This is what making love with someone should be like. Rather than focusing on what you’re doing to them, simply allow yourself to lose yourself in the pleasure you are receiving from being with them.

It’s pretty easy to do with a peach. You feel no obligation to the peach, you don’t care how the peach feels about you consuming it. It’s trickier to do with a person, most of us are concerned about how the other person is feeling about what we’re doing to them.

Strangely enough though, they’d enjoy themselves more if you got of your head and stopped thinking about them and instead simply let yourself go into the pleasure of the moment.

That’s why we started with a peach. Now, let’s add some technique, and see if you can still lose yourself.

We’re going to focus on your tongue. This part of your body is both fantastic at giving pleasure to another as well as transmitting pleasure back to you.

When applied to the body of another, your tongue provides exquisite pleasure to them, and in the touch of your tongue on your lover it transmits exquisite pleasure back to you. It does this best if you lose yourself in your tongue and the two-way transmission of pleasure.

So let’s practice this with an ice-cream.

Choose one that’s covered in hard chocolate.

Hold the ice-cream; look at the ice-cream; approach the ice-cream. Breathe on it gently. Savour the anticipation of the first touch of your tongue on the ice-cream.

Now practice the first of three strokes. The first is The Slurp. Run your tongue up the side of the ice-cream. Then up and up again over all sides of the ice-cream. Do it slowly, do it rapidly, do it firmly, do it barely touching.

Then practice The Swirl. Run your tongue around and around the ice-cream. Do it with the ice-cream in your mouth, do it with the ice-cream outside your mouth.

Combine the Slurp with the Swirl. Lose yourself in it. If it feels good, moan. Don’t worry if you sound like a bad actor in a porn movie. If it feels good do it.

Then practice Kitty Licks, little lapping moments with your tongue. Run your tongue up and down the ice-cream, flicking lightly, making little circles. Keep going over the top, combining with Swirls and Slurps.

Then, in the centre at the top of the ice-cream, enjoy kitty licking in one spot until you break through the chocolate to the ice-cream below. Keep going as the chocolate breaks further and you can lick and suck up the ice-cream beneath. Lose yourself even further as slabs of chocolate come off and you can lick, suck and bite. Let the ice-cream melt and drip and lick the drips as they fall off the end and run over your fingers and hands…

This is not as easy as it might sound. I’ve given this exercise to many clients and workshop participants, and it’s evident how hard people find it to lose themselves in pleasure, completely unselfconsciouslessly. If it’s that hard with just an ice-cream, how much harder with an actual person.

So practice with an ice-cream, or a peach or a mango or a lolly-pop, until you can lose yourself, completely and utterly. Because that is what you’re aiming for in sex. Way before you worry about technique.

  

Available as a podcast: download here!

Sensuality is without a doubt a key element to great sex. Sensuality, intimacy, surrender, eroticism – all essential elements that don’t necessarily have anything to do with the genitals Live sensuously. 

We have five senses which can constantly bring us delectable, luscious sensuous experiences. If we’re open to them. Once we are, we can bring that awareness into our love-making – and make magic.

Let’s practice. Choose a peach, or any other other suitably juicy fruit such as a mango.

Pick up the fruit:

• First look at it….then listen to it…..then smell it….touch it against your skin, cheek, forearm…then bite into it and taste it.

• Really taste it.

• Then bite again:

-  feeling the peach flesh give as you bite down into it,

-  feeling the juices release into your mouth,

-  hearing the sound of the flesh give way,

-  smelling the scent of the peach beneath your nose,

-  tasting the sweet flavor of the peach consuming your mouth,

-  seeing the pinkish orange of the raw peach flesh….

Now that's eating a peach! 

Try the exercise together. Have a peach each and take it in turns to watch your partner completely consume the peach. Then expose your own sensuality as you bite and lick and devour your peach.

 Or share the peach. Look into each other’s eyes as you suck, nibble, chew and swallow the peach flesh and juice. Taste it on each other’s lips, follow the dribble of juice down your partner’s body, suck it off their fingers.

Why would you put up with lacklustre sex when you can really, and truly, eat a peach...?

I incorporate the energetic aspect of sex strongly into the work I do with private clients and in workshops. Personally I believe that without this understanding of sex it’s very difficult to correct problems and to move towards reaching your sexual potential.

The energetic traditions I draw from are both Tantric and Taoist, as well as my own experiences in the martial arts, particularly aikido (which translates as ‘the way of harmony’ and which is extraordinarily like sex, in the sense that is simultaneously still and moving, physical and spiritual, strong and soft, and constantly requiring connection and flow).

There are some very useful analogies about sexual energy and I love to share with modern people that they generally find quite illuminating. Here’s one:

‘Women are soft on the outside and strong on the inside, whereas men are strong on the outside and soft on the inside’.

Some people have an immediate negative reaction to this as there is a strong belief in our society, particularly among intelligent, well-educated people, that men and women are equal. Agreed, we are equal, but we are not the same. Vive la difference! Sure we should have social, political, economic, educational, etc, equality. But that does not mean that men and women are the same. In fact, it’s the dynamic tension between the male and female energies that keeps sex strong and powerful in a relationship (in same-sex relationships there needs to be a similar dynamic working, just not so overtly male-female).

So ideally in a sexual encounter the man opens up his strong exterior and invites the woman into his soft interior where she can completely let go safe inside the space he’s created and let her strength manifest, resulting in extraordinary sexual responses.

Interestingly, what is happening energetically is the opposite of what’s happening physically: physically the man enters the woman, energetically the woman enters the man (and how scary and vulnerable can that make the man!)

Note, I am in no way implying that this means the woman becomes pathetic, passive, weak or any thing like that. Nor that the man becomes aggressive, domineering, macho, etc. No, they both realise their possibilities and potentials. They can completely meet as equals, and through that express their real selves.

In this way both people can let themselves go and submit to the experience. Then, and only then, can the magic begin!

Similarly, in a relationship, the man holds the space in which the woman can blossom and reach her potential. He’s like the pot and she’s the plant, so it’s essential that she has a pot big enough to hold her or she will be limited in life (a story all too familiar…).

If, as so many women in our society feel they’ve had to do, she tries to be like a man and be strong on the outside,, and thereby deny her softness and hide her inner strength, it will be hard for her to enter into him and feel his support. She’ll feel she’s doing it all on her own which is tiring and brittle, and ultimately she will feel the lack of connection with her man and they will bounce off each other (if he’s maintaining his strength on the outside) or she’ll feel nothing from him if he’s turned too feminine and gone soft on the outside (unless they’re in the minority of couples where the inverse energies are functioning).

It’s so important for modern people to come fully into the strength of their masculine and feminie energies. It’s a challenge because the feminine has been so devalued in our society that women often feel they’d become weak if they allowed their true feminine to manifest. Similarly many men are aware of the unequal powers in our patriarchal society, so try to tone down their masculinity.

So, as I ask so many of my clients and workshop participants, and here I’m asking you: how does feel if to be fully into your masculine energy or feminine energy? If you don’t know, how might it feel?

I can tell you, it feels powerful, it feels good, it feels whole.

What would it feel for you to feel whole?

Available as a podcast: download here!

There’s a great article I wrote (she says modestly) in the latest edition of Men’s Health Magazine on Sex for Busy People.

Available as a podcast: download here!

Why a “Blackbelt” in the Bedroom?

As you’ll have noticed, I'm about to launch seminars for Men Only called Blackbelt in the Bedroom. Obviously the title is catchy (what man wouldn’t want to be a blackbelt in the bedroom?) and that’s why I’m using it, but commericial cynicism aside, there are very good reasons why I’m chosen the term “blackbelt”.

For a start, I am a blackbelt in aikido, a second level blackbelt in fact (about to go third level when I decided to have babies instead). I’ve also studied judo and various kung-fus plus done workshops on many other styles of martial arts. It’s effectively where I got my energetic training, which I now apply to sexual relations and which has the same basis as the Tantric and Taoist approaches to sexuality.

To some people the concept of a martial artist is of an aggressive violent fighter. However, it’s completely the opposite. A true warrior is not some pyscho maniac, think more of the red indian brave, the knight of old, the samurai, Mel Gibson in Braveheart… A top martial artist is completely in control, centred and flowing with the energy of the encounter. Just what sex should be. He’s not in his head thinking about what’s going on, he’s completely connected to his opponent, completely absorbed in what’s going on. He’s not following set routines or patterns, he’s creatively moving with the energy of the encounter. He’s still when he needs to be, he’s active when he needs to be, he moves how and when he needs to, completely in the moment.

This is how sex should be. Unfortunately too many men are well down among the coloured belts. Since I’ve spent countless hours talking to men about their sex lives, and to their partners, and I'm the Men’s Health Magazine sex columnist, and I’ve done so much research into sex, from the scientific to the Tantric to kink, I’ve got a pretty good idea about what makes a man a Blackbelt in the Bedroom.

That is a man who embodies the Four ‘C’s: he’s connected, confident, creative and in control.

To get to that level, he needs to master the Five ‘S’s:

1)    Self,

2)    Study of Woman,

3)    Seduction,

4)    Skills and

5)    Spice.

Those are in order of importance, and also in order of difficulty. Our society tends to focus on the last couple, techniques and props, but those are actually the least important. The most important is the knowledge of self, and the ability to be centred and able to take a step back to hold the space for the woman. The next is knowledge of woman, understanding her not just physically, but also psychologically and energetically, really understanding the differences between men and women and utilising those differences. Then there is the art of seduction, which is not just for new lovers, but is an on-going never-ending part of relationship. Then the sex skills come in, manual, oral and penile, and finally ways to spice up and expand your sexual repertoire.

Now that’s not all going to happen from one three-hour seminar! But it will help you along the way. It does take application. The master of any art, whether it’s a martial art or other sport, painting, cooking, woodwork, whatever, is completely dedicated. It’s the same with mastering the Art of Sex.

 

Available as a podcast: download here!

I seem to have been talking penis size a lot lately.  So here's an adaption of an article I wrote for Men's Health Magazine last year, on how penises of all sizes can be used to good effect.  

They come in all shapes and sizes, and all with the same intention in mind – to have great sex. But with all the variation, which penises are the most effective, and does size really matter?

To stimulate the vagina a penis needs to touch the sides, so girth is an important factor. Some penises are thick enough to fill most women, some are too thick for comfort, and a large proportion need deft handling to reach the good spots, not being thick enough to fill all around (although that also depends on the size of the vagina in question, there’s considerable variation in capacity and muscle tautness there too).

But never fear, if your girth is less than ideal, it’s more about how you weld your weapon than its size. So here are some tips for guys of all sizes: 

Modest

Prove your skills as a lover before she gets to see your member. She’ll already be impressed and size won’t be a big issue. She’ll also be good and aroused, and a well-aroused vagina is a responsive vagina, so her muscles are more likely to naturally clamp around your penis, increasing sensation. Your advantage in the penile size stakes is that you can move around a lot and get to the good areas. So add rotating, screwing motions to your thrusts, particularly when you’re on top so that you’re stimulating all around her vagina and her clitoral area at the same time. (Another bonus – you get the best blow jobs because she can do so much more with your more manageable size!)

Average

No surprises here. Your partner is not going to get distracted by the size or otherwise of your member and neither are you, you’ve got no need to feel either worried or smug about what‘s on offer. You can try any position, any way you like it. So get creative!

For you and your more modestly sized brothers, you can get in deeper by getting your pelvis in as aclose a possible, so you want her legs as far apart as she can. She can hold them or you can. With you kneeling and her on her back, you can lift up her legs, hook them over your arms and get in good and deep. From behind is another good position if her bottom is up high and her chest down low. Her on top is also good as she can move herself around and sink down good and deep. Avoid standing poses.

Well-proportioned

 There’s no denying it, you’ve definitely got the advantage here. But…avoid complacency! While the sight of your impressive member might make a girl swoon in anticipation, if that’s all you’ve got on offer your sex might get dull after a while. Yes, it fills a girl up nicely while still having the finesse to move around and get to the good bits inside. But it’s not all about the penis. Make sure you develop your all round skills as a lover.

Blessed/Cursed

You’d get hired on a porn set in an instant, but the reality is that your massive member is more likely to make a girl faint with shock than swoon with pleasure! Unfortunately a very large penis doesn’t always feel great, it can hurt on entry and can make the girl feel simply stuffed, without the subtlely of sensation she gets from smaller penises. Kind of like using a bulldozer to do a bob-cat’s work. So the advice is quite similar to that of your modestly hung brothers – prove your skills as a lover before she gets to your member, so that she’s already turned on and interested, and therefore less likely to turn tail and run! Make sure she’s well aroused and well lubricated before you enter. Take it slowly, let her guide the initial depth and speed. You’re going to have to be a true gentleman of a lover, chivalrous and gentle, and she’s going to love that!