Available as a podcast: download here!

Gigglegasms

Have you ever had a gigglegasm?

Do you even know what I’m talking about?

If you take sex too seriously, if you aren’t comfortable with letting yourself go, then you probably haven’t.

A gigglegasm is when you’re having sex and can’t stop laughing. It’s a wonderful thing. 

As you know, I’m constantly going on about how sex is playtime for adults, that it’s too important to be taken seriously, that the best sex happens when you lighten up and play. An outcome of that approach is that you can start laughing and find it hard to stop. Great stuff!

I find it generally happens at the end of a long session when I'm feeling high and completely spent at the same time.

One thing known to help keep people young, vital and happy (other than sex) is laughter. So when you get a gigglegasm going you get the best of both – sex AND laughter.

You can have intense orgasms from sexual intensity, you can have blissed out orgasms from sexual sensuality and you can have gigglegasms from just letting go and having fun (which, by the say, can include the intense and the blissful too).

Hee hee.

Ha ha.

Ho ho ho!

Available as a podcast: download here!

I ran a Blackbelt in the Bedroom seminar last night with 16 men. I am still in a state of awe about the evening. In the opulent surrounds of The Dome winebar, these men stood and breathed, circulating their sexual energy around their bodies and it was, simply, stunning. The only way to describe it is to use a rather old-fashioned and religious term, it was a State of Grace. The peace and presence manifested by those men was magnificent. If only their women had been there to experience it.

Experiences like this confirm my purpose in the world to enable people to connect with themselves and through that with their partners, and through that ultimately to connect with the everything.

Thanks guys, you’re awesome!

Available as a podcast: download here!

I am bravely, perhaps foolhardedly, but definitely doggedly running a Blackbelt in the Bedroom seminar on Monday evening.

Why do I say doggedly? Because men are so bloody hard to get to a workshop on sex!

I just got an email from a participant (who’s coming back for the second time) about trying to persuade his mates his attend. He started it by saying: “So Jacqueline, I now have a new-found respect for what it is you do!”,  because they all said to him: “I’m already a blackbelt in the bedroom” (although he has persuaded four of them to come along).

The fact is guys, you’re not black belts in the bedroom. Even if you are pretty amazing in the sack, there’s always more to learn. I’ve taught Tantric masters stuff they didn’t know, so believe me, there’s always more.

It is a bit of a male thing not to ask for help (or directions!), but if it’s important enough to you, you will. It’s actually a sign of a master of any skill or sport or art: they keep learning, practicing, experimenting, researching. It’s the same with sex.

In case you need more convincing, I’ve devised this little quiz for you. If you can answer ‘yes’ to every single questions, then you’re a black belt. If not, come along on Monday…

1) Can you make love to the same woman a thousand times and find it ever more wonderful?
2) Can you come when you decide to?
3) Can you come too soon and not be fazed about it?
4) Can you have awesome sex without orgasm?
5) Can you absorb the energy from a beautiful woman without feeling you want to have sex with her?
6) Can you feel the sexual power of all women?
7) Do you know that sex is about pleasure not orgasm?
8) Do you realise that porn is what looks good not what feels good?
9) Can you luxuriate in the valleys of sex as well as revel in the peaks?
10) Can you be so present with your partner that you can bring her to a state of orgasm? Can you do this without genital stimulation? Can you do this without touching her?
11) Do you know that foreplay never ends?
12) Do you know that the true master of sex never stops learning?

So how did you go? Will I see you on Monday…?

Available as a podcast: download here!
I was reading the paper this morning and there was a multi-page feature on the Sydney Food Festival that’s coming up. All over the city there will be parties and workshops and markets and you name it, celebrating our love of food and the diversity of food. It’s a true gourmet’s feast, nothing gluttonous about the festival organiser’s approach, it’s about the joy and fun and the pleasure of food.

It got me thinking about how wonderful it would be if we could celebrate sexuality in the same way, really celebrate the diversity and depth and wonder of sex.

There are some celebrations of sex, one is the Gay and Lesbian Mardi Gras, which is wonderful, but obviously focused on heomosexual sexuality, and because of that it does have a certain edginess to the celebrations – all fabulous, but doesn’t cover the full spread of sexuality.

This coming weekend there’s the first ever fetish conference, The Gathering, with workshops and parties. Great stuff, but again, limited to those interested in the fetish scene.

The Tantric side of sex doesn’t have a festival as such, but there are plenty of workshops around (including my own, hint, hint).

Then there’s Sexpo, which is great, but tends to celebrate the raunchier, dare I say, sleazier side of sex. Oddly enough I just had the Sexpo PR person ring me up to ask if I wanted to be involved, so we just had a great chat about how wonderful it would be Sexpo celebrated a broader approach to sexuality. Well, if I’m involved, maybe it will…

I mean wouldn’t it be great if there were workshops and parades in a broad range celebration of sex, that in addition to the Gay & Lesbian, Fetish, Tantric and Raunch (a la Sexpo) stuff already out there, there was in addition: “Monogamous and Loving It” “Yummy Mummies Having Yummy Sex” “Getting Older Getting Lustier” “Different Types of Orgasms and How to Have Them” “Expanding in Your Sexual Play for Committed Couples” “Incorporating Food into Sexual Play” “Heightening Sensual Pleasures” “Differently Abled People Having Differently Pleasured Sex” “Lusciousness for All”.

Wouldn’t it be great it everyone could celebrate their sexuality, no matter what it was.

Yes, I have a dream…

Maybe we are getting there, the fact that there is a growing range of sexual celebrations, and some of them are coinciding at a similar time, Spring, means that society is opening up. There’s hope for us yet.

Available as a podcast: download here!

I was chatting to a good friend recently who, like many people, loves sex and loves the general topic of sex. He was musing on whether he might possibly be a sex addict given that he’s so fascinated, possibly even obsessed, by the topic. My reply was: “I hope not, because that would make me one too!”

It got me thinking, because I have done on-line “Are you a Sex Addict’ type quizzes, and according to some of them I certainly would be a sex addict because thinking about sex takes up so much of my time and sex in general plays such a big part of my life.

But the problem is, the tone of the questioning, and I notice this too when talking to clients and others, is that the questioning tends to be around the quantity of sex or sex-related activity and thought, rather than the quality. Lots of sex does not a sex addict make.

I got to thinking about a food analogy. I often use food analogies when talking about sexual issues. I do this mainly to remove the extraordinary range of social stigmas, assumptions, beliefs, etc, that get in the way of assessing sexuality in a non-judgemental manner. We’re clearer about food (although there are still an awful lot of hang-ups there too!)

So if someone watched Masterchef assiduously, never missed Iron Chef, subscribed to a myriad of food magazines and poured over them for hours on end, planned elaborate meals, experimented with new ingredients, loved to talk about food as much as preparing and eating it – does that make them a food addict?

It’s essentially the difference between being a gourmet or a glutton.

A gourmet is a connoisseur of food, someone with a discerning palate. A gourmet savours food, enjoying the intensities and the subtleties. A gourmet is closely in touch with the effect of the food on their own well-being, he or she won’t overeat because that would affect their enjoyment of the food. A gourmet might enjoy the exotic and elaborate, but will equally revel in the simple. A gourmet will pay attention to what surrounds the food, the presentation and the atmosphere, understanding the experience is more than just the food itself.

A glutton is a gorger of food, all they’re interested in is the quantity. There’s no self-restraint, it’s just a matter of if they want it they’ll eat it. A glutton is not able to appreciate the finer nuances of food, is oblivious to the surroundings, doesn’t care. Food is not indulged in to add to the overall and long-term quality of life, only the immediate gratification of eating.

It’s the same with sex. Someone who’s a connoisseur of sex is interested in savouring sex, whether it’s a late night cuddle under the covers or a weekend of erotic delights. It’s the quality that counts, not the quantity. They know how much is enough because they’re in tune with the subtle aspects of sex.

A glutton of sex just wants more and more and is never satisfied, so it impacts on the quality of their life.

I was explaining this to a client recently, who was telling me how his sexual self-confidence was non-existent as his recently ex-partner insisted on hours of sex at a time and was never satisfied, no matter how many orgasms she had or what they did, she always wanted more, more, more. The thing is that they both liked lots of sex, both liked a wide range of sexual activities, the difference was that she went at it with avaricious intensity and could never get enough – your typical glutton, whereas he wanted to take it more slowly and savour the experience as they went – your typical gourmet. So he needed to find someone who was also a gourmet (which I pointed out shouldn't be too hard given his evident enjoyment of extended sexual play!)

As I keep saying, it’s not what you do that matters, it’s how you experience it.

Available as a podcast: download here!
I continuously stress the importance of knowing yourself, respecting yourself and nurturing yourself. My concept of ‘Selfless Selfishness’ is all about that, about putting yourself first so that you can do your best for others. That applies to relationships as a whole, and also to the act of sex, where you need a ‘selfish’ approach to be real and connect from deep within, rather than from a head-orientated performance approach focused on whether you’re doing it well or not.

That requires self-reliance, the ability to self-validate, not requiring others to judge you from their own world view and decide if you’re right or wrong, good or bad. In intimate relationships in particular, people too often require the other person to make them feel good. They get into the relationship through their own sense of lack and needing the other to make them feel whole. But no other person can do that for you, it has to come from within. The expectation that your partner can ‘complete’ you can only lead to disappointment, with the relationship ultimately either continuing in a state of limited co-dependence or ending with bitterness and blame.

The fairy tales got it wrong. Two do not become one and live happily ever after. Two halves do not make a whole. Rather, two complete people come together and form a third entity, their coupledom. You, me and us. Not just us.

Coming together out of need produces a very different relationship to one coming out of want/desire/respect. Neediness based on fear or incompleteness, which is where so many of our needs come from, is not the basis for a good relationship, and therefore is a bad basis for a fulfilling on-going sex life.

So take some time to muse about your needs. Are they ones that once fulfilled will lead to you being a more complete and self-reliant individual? Or are they ones that will keep you in a state of lack, incompleteness and dependence? Hint, if they are around material concepts, they’ll be the latter; if they are based on societal or cultural expectations of needs, rather than what’s real for you, chances are they’ll be the latter too.

What the world needs is self-reliant people. People who are real, people who trust themselves, and who can join with others in relationship, in family, in community, in work, based on strength not on lack.

Available as a podcast: download here!

For so many people, their lives are boxes within boxes, constraints within constraints, limitations within limitations. The number of shoulds and musts and oughts and can’ts and mustnt’s are never-ending.

We love our boxes. We have them around our work, our gender, our ethic grouping, our age, our relationship status, our parental status, our place of abode, our religious beliefs, our health, our appearance, our sports, our hobbies.

Then we love to categorise our personalities, whether it’s the multitude of supposedly scientific psychological tests or the alternative astrological type classifications, it’s all about putting ourselves in still more boxes.

How often do we say “I am a [insert classification]”, or limit ourselves by stating: “I’m [insert adjective] because I’m a [insert classification]”, or “I can/can’t/should/shouldn’t/must/mustn’t [insert verb] because I’m a [insert classification]”.

It’s all so limiting. 

And it’s all based on fear.

And it comes through more powerfully, and more with more limits, in our sexuality than anywhere else.

I’m [insert gender] so I…… [have a high/low sex drive; like/don't like sex]
I’m [insert age] so I…..   [have high/low interest in sex; am sexy/not sexy]
I'm spiritual/an athiest/[insert religion] so I…. [think sex is about love/reproduction/marital duty/determined by genes]
I’m married/single/divorced/in a relationship so I… [you get my drift]
I’m fat/old/ugly so I…

Now of course we can be classified, of course we have an age, an appearance, a profession, etc, it’s all the crap that’s attached to the classification that’s the problem. “I’m fat and ugly and I don’t give damn, I’m having great sex!” versus: “Well, we’ve been together a long time and we’re not as trim as we used to be so of course we can’t have good sex.”

When it comes to sex though, I see the limitations everywhere, even in the supposedly free-spirited types: the swingers who think monogomy is boring; the kinksters who think vanilla sex is dull; the tantric types who think it’s got to be about love; the free love exponents who think we’ve got to let it all hang out.

And then it’s all so black and white. You’ve got to be one gender or the other, into women or into men, monogamous or deceitful, sexually active or celibate. How about we all embrace the possibility, for those for whom it feels real, to whatever extent feels right, of gender-bending, bisexuality, ethical nonmonogomy, celibacy as sexual expression. How about we see that all types of kinks and fetishes are fun to play with, that enlightened bdsm can be as empowering and connecting as deep spiritual sex. That missionary with the lights out can be as fulfilling an experience as swinging from the chandeliers.

How about we let ourselves be ourselves. 

Don’t judge others, don’t judge ourselves. Give ourselves and others the freedom to explore and play and find out who we are in all aspects of our lives.

Get out of the boxes!

Available as a podcast: download here!

I often find that people are surprised at the breadth of sexuality I encourage. As with so much of our society, we tend to categorise and label ourselves and others. What I do can’t be labeled in this way. I’m not just ‘tantric’ or ‘kinky’ or ‘raunch’ or ‘clinical’ or whatever – I’m all of them, and more. I believe in the full range of sexual expression, as long as it comes from a place that is real. For me that’s the only issue – are you being real, and are you allowing expression of your true self? I don’t believe there is any right or wrong when it comes to sex (as long as it’s between consenting living adult humans), as long as it’s life-enhancing.

So the tantric types get a shock in my workshops when I bring out the bondage ropes; those who embrace raunch culture find the softness disconcerting; the kinky types wonder if all this talk about love isn’t a bit vanilla; and the clinical types find the fun and naughtiness rather perplexing. 

But it’s all good! Tantric bondage, soft raunch, loving kink, are all real expressions of possibility. 

I must admit I sometimes wish I could classify myself more specifically. It would be easier to explain what I do. But I can’t, I love the tantric and taoist approaches to sex, I think raunch and kink are valid, I believe that knowledge of anatomy and physiology and sexual technique are important, I believe that deep examination of one’s psychology and self-knowledge are crucial.

But you know what I think is the most important of all when it comes to sex?

Fun!

Yes, sex is play-time for grown-ups. Or to rephrase Oscar Wilde: “Sex is far too important to be taken seriously.”

Why do people take sex so seriously? Given that we’re given no training whatsoever, people have a rather ludicrous expectation that it will be smooth and no-one would ever make a mistake, and that it would be embarassing if we did something wrong or something our partner didn’t respond favourably to.

And we have nothing to compare our ‘performance’ with. All we have to compare ourselves to is previous experience. Or porn (which is fake), or what other people have to say (which is probably also fake). 

So there is no ‘normal’, or anything that we really should or shouldn’t be doing. 

All we’ve got is each other’s bodies and a trillion odd brain cells to be creative with! That means, play time!

The less pressure you put on yourselves to get it right, the more freedom you have to experiment and be creative. And if it doesn’t work – have a laugh about it!

Personally I think that if there isn’t a good bout of laughing at some stage during the sex act, then it can’t be good sex. A good lasting orgasm will often result in a full-on burst of uncontrollable laughter. We all know that sex is good for our health, so is laughter, so playful sex has got to be the best of all.

Watch how children let loose in the playground, and do the same in your own sexual playground.

Available as a podcast: download here!

I like to divide sex in a long-term relationship into three types

Simple Sex – short and comforting
Sensual Sex - luscious and bonding
Spicy Sex – exciting and adventurous

Simple Sex, also known as Cup of Tea Sex, is that nice snuggle under the covers, nothing unexpected, nothing wild. You know each other, you know what works, you have a satisfying time. No great fireworks, but it’s good. Like a cup of tea: simple, warm and comforting.

But a sexual diet of just Simple Sex is pretty dull. And if there’s not a good connection, it will feel empty.

Sensual Sex is when you take the time to create a gorgeous atmosphere and take the time to enjoys each others’ bodies in a sensual and loving manner. In this way the sex becomes very connecting, very bonding, very deep. This is the essence of Tantric sex, and with practice can lead to ecstatic states of being.

Which is wonderful and wholesome, but can do with some spicing up at times.

Spicy Sex is when you push your boundaries and do things that you find a real turn on (if a little intimidating!). What that is will depend on you and your own desires.

Spicy Sex could be as simple as introducing a sex toy to your sexual play, or starting with a slow striptease. It could be planning a weekend away and then visiting the vineyards knowing you or your partner has no knickers on. It could be visiting a sex store and bringing home something new and unusual (now how does this bondage tape work…) It could be visiting a swingers lounge. It could be having a nude dinner party, either the two of you alone or inviting friends… The possibilities are endless. But keep in mind that Spicy Sex doesn’t just ‘happen’, it requires your creativity and your intention. 

Now, given the reality of modern lives, it’s unlikely that every sexual encounter is going to be Spicy Sex. (Apart from the time involved, it would be like eating gourmet food all the time, which can get a little wearying.) Depending on your circumstances, Spicy Sex could be an annual weekend away, or it could be a monthly ‘challenge’ where you take it in turns to create a “Spicy Saturday In”. 

However, if you think Spicy Sex is the great aim, you’ll have trouble getting there without the Sensual Sex. Because as I’ve so often written about before, I believe that for a couple to be open enough with each other that they can be real about their desires, they have to be truly open to each other, and you need sensual connection for that. I encourage couples at least once a week, to have a sexual encounter that focuses on the sensual. Start with a bath, light candles, play music that moves your soul, spend time touching each other, hold each others’ gaze as you move slowly together in intercourse. Experience the ecstatic sensations of the valleys of sex, rather than the intense peaks. Feel the yumminess of it all. Experiment with blindfolds or restraint to heighten the sensory arousal, add sensory elements of taste, sound, touch and smell. Really lose yourselves in the experience.

So, maybe you could aim for Spicy Sex once a month, Sensual Sex once a week and Simple Sex once or twice a week. I can’t be prescriptive though. So let’s say plenty of nice Simple Sex, regular Sensual Sex, all interspersed with some Spicy Sex.

Having said that, the three categories don’t have to be mutually exclusive. A late night quickie under the covers is Simple Sex, but it can also feel very sensual if for example you light a candle by the bed and look into your partners eyes as you make love. Or a quickie in the bathroom while your kids are having their porridge can certainly have elements of Spice (a la naughty teenagers trying not be caught). Ideally a Sensual Sex session will be highly erotic and you can swing between the intensities of the peaks of sex and the exquisiteness of the valleys. 

It’s all good! So allow for all types of sex in your life, from the simple to the spicy (whatever that is for you) and you’ll keep your sexual connection strong and your life so much more satisfying.

Available as a podcast: download here!

Three things a man need to come into a positive masculinity:

1) Self-worth through Purpose

It’s critical for a man to have a clear sense of purpose in his life. I so often see men having relationship and sexual problems in part because they don’t have a strong sense of purpose. This leads to a dependance on being satisfied from his partner, manifesting as an unattractive neediness (a self aware woman will not find neediness appealing). Or it will lower his sense of self-worth, creating a wimpish energy causing his partner to be too strong and controlling, just to survive. Other men do the opposite, feeling a lack of purpose and therefore a lack of self worth in themselves, they make up for it by becoming dominant and aggressive. 

A man who is centered and in purpose will move purposefully through life, not needy of validation by others, less blown around by the whims of others, less given to maudlin self-doubt, and less prone to denial covered by aggression.

2) Communion with the Masculine

Men need other men. Not in the sitting around drinking cups of tea and chatting way that women need other women. Men more generally will ‘do’ things together; tinker in the shed, throw a ball around, go sailing, fishing, motorbike riding, play war games. It may or may not involve much talking, that doesn’t matter. It’s being with other men, what I call ‘communing’ with other men that matters. 

3) Union with the Feminine

Yes, a man in a relationship needs sex. More so than women do. In fact, after talking so intimately with so many men, I actually believe that men are much more emotional about sex than women are. For a start, men’s sexual drive tends to be more physical than a woman’s, so the urge is stronger. If this was all it was though, then masturbating would be enough. 

More importantly, men need sex with their woman to connect with her, to feel her, to know the deepest realest side of her. They crave union with her. A man who has this connection will feel so much more satisfied with himself and his life. 

But to achieve this is not easy. 

Too many men go straight for the third, looking to sex to give them fulfillment, without working on the first two. But without the first two he won’t be the type of man that allows for true union and therefore powerfully staisfying sex. The more on purpose in himself and in communion with other men a man is, the better able he will be to be the centred open man required to enable his partner to come fully into her feminine and through that have powerfully connected and erotic sex.