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So often people contact me to say that they want to come in for private sex therapy and coaching sessions, or that they want to attend one of my Tantra Fusion workshops….but their partner doesn’t.

“How can I persuade him/her to come along?” they plead.

It’s a tricky one. You love your partner and you want to improve your sexual connection and through that your life together. You’re willing to open up to me in private sessions, or expose yourself in a group situation (not literally, my workshops are decidedly clothes on!), yet your partner is reluctant.

There are a number of reasons why your partner might be reluctant:
- S/He thinks you’ve got the problem not them;
- S/He assumes anything to do with sex will be sordid and so don’t want to be involved;
- S/He doesn’t think sex is important so can’t see why you’d want to change or improve anything;
- S/He is unwilling to go to sex therapy because they are too embarrassed to talk about sex in front of another person, even a professional sex therapist;
- S/He is unwilling to attend a Tantra Fusion Workshop because they think it’ll be embarrassing.

Often it just comes down to fear, in which case gentle persuasion over time can be helpful. You can start sex therapy on your own, and once you start reporting back to your partner that it’s ok, that I’m easy to talk to and that the sessions are positive and uplifting, then your partner may agree to come along.

If it’s not fear, it can be that they are simply not into you. They may mask that by saying that sex isn’t important or that you’ve got the problem not them, but essentially they are saying they don’t think your relationship is important enough to prioritise and work on. So you can put up with that and do nothing, go along as you have been, nothing changing (or least, nothing improving, it can always get worse), or you can make a stand and insist that it is important. If he or she still won’t be involved, well, what can I say, it’s up to you to decide whether their level of commitment to the relationship is enough for you.

Whew, that was a bit heavy! It’s a shame, because the workshops are beautiful and uplifting, and the private sessions are engaging and useful. Of course, my particular style of therapy or my workshops may not be for everyone, but once you’ve found someone good to work with, well, the sky’s the limit. Improving your sexual relating improves your relationship, which improves your life. Sex and intimacy is so fundamental to it all.

So if your partner is reluctant, come along on your own, to sessions and workshops. The change in you will inspire them to join in. And if it doesn’t, well, you’ll have grown to the point of being able to make a decision about what is right for you.