1) Conflict is a perfectly normal part of a relationship. It’s virtually impossible for two people to be so alike that they share exactly the same views and values and feelings as their partner. In fact, if there isn’t any conflict in your relationship, there’s something fishy going on: it could be that there’s a strong power play where one person’s view has precedence over another’s, or maybe you’re simply avoiding issues so as to avoid ‘conflict’.
2) Not all apparent conflict is actually a conflict. Sometimes it’s just like a drunk shadow-boxing in a bar. You don’t have to get involved. Just because you’re partner is flustered or angry doesn’t mean you have to engage in a fight. So if your partner says or does something that makes you feel you’ve got a conflict on your hands, check first (by asking yourself objectively) if you really do need to get involved.
3) If it really is a conflict, a point of disagreement or misunderstanding between the two of you, this is not necessarily a bad thing. In fact, conflict can be a Good Thing. It can be a source of creative energy that can make your relationship better and more interesting. And it certainly doesn’t have to escalate into a fight.
So, how to use conflict creatively, rather than destructively?
Any interchange between people has a flow of energy. If you have opposing views and try to block the energy between you, you’ll either have a stalemate or the stronger person will win, neither of which is necessarily the best outcome. So try not to block that energy by being stubborn or rigid. Be open to it and see where it takes you. Flow with it, but don’t be swept away. Accept the direction the discussion takes and explore it.
To be able to let the energies flow it’s important that you’re strong within yourself. The ancient Chinese text “The Art of War” states that the fiercest enemy is one who is not afraid to die. What this means in a modern context is that if you don’t care, you can’t be hurt. If you’re fixed on a certain outcome, you’re vulnerable. If you’re fearful of a negative response, you’re vulnerable. But if you’re not attached to a certain outcome, and if you’re not fearful of rejection or similar, then you can be open to your partner’s opinions, you can be flexible, and you’re much more likely to manage the interaction smoothly and have a satisfactory outcome.
In practical terms, this means:
1) Respect your partner’s point of view.
2) Seek clarity of facts, views and options. Aim for mutual understanding.
3) Stick to the point, avoid dragging irrelevant issues into the discussion. Be concise and specific.
4) Avoid escalating the problem with criticism. Be honest but tactful.
5) Try to keep it light (but not flippant, which can appear disrespectful). Humour is great for diffusing hostility and removing negative emotion so that you can focus on the facts.
6) Be willing to compromise. Don’t give in, but don’t be stubborn, find a happy medium. Remember that it’s more important to be happy than to be ‘right’. If you’re not ‘right’ it doesn’t mean you’re ‘wrong’. It’s not a competition, you’re on the same team!
Before you start:
When dealing with an issue of conflict start gently, don’t open fire with a round of criticisms, start with positive comments, then introduce the problem. For example: rather than opening a discussion with:
“What a bloody waste of money. This food’s so cheap it’s inedible! What’s the ****ing point of shopping if you don't bring back food we can eat? Now I’m going to have to do it again and spend even more money.”
Try something like:
“Sweetheart, I appreciate you doing the shopping and saving us money by buying the cheapest items on the shelves, but if the food is so cheap it’s inedible, then it isn’t really saving us money.”
You may actually want to rehearse your opening lines in advance, and prepare yourself for likely objections and negative responses.
Before you start, have an idea of how you’d like the resolution to be, in other words, complain with recommendations. To continue the example above, you might add:
“So maybe you could buy cheap, but not necessarily the cheapest food. Have a good look at it and see if you’d really like to eat it or not.”
Know your anger style. Know what your achilles heel is, what sets you off, so you can be prepared if it arises. And be aware that your anger response might not necessarily be ranting and raving, it could be clamming up and refusing to discuss an issue, which is just as ineffective as yelling.
If it does get heated:
If it gets heated, exit the argument, or have a break. If you feel you’re about to lose your temper, stop. Breathe into your abdomen, count to ten, yell into a pillow, whatever works. Letting an argument escalate and get out of hand doesn’t solve anything, it makes things worse.
If your partner loses it, you don’t have to buy into it. Let them let off steam, and when they’re feeling calmer (which could be quite some time later), then you can talk about it.
And if the same old argument does keep arising and you can never resolve it, get a third party in to help you get some distance and objectivity. Whether a trained professional or simply a friend with a kind ear, a third party can make it a lot easier to resolve problems.
Apologise
And always be prepared to say you’re sorry. The genuine apology is a Noble Quality, and a major tool in a smooth life.
"The Sex Life Survival Guide For Parents"(This is an extract from my book "The Sex Life Survival Guide For Parents")
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