The LoveLife Blog: guidance on mindful, bodyful, soulful loving!


Intensity Repels, Enticement Attracts. Like Chocolate Cake.

Jacqueline Hellyer - Sunday, September 30, 2018




Desire is a wonderful thing. Intensity is not.

When you desire without intensity, when you open yourself to your partner and invite them in, that is enticing. That will attract them.

But, some people have a more direct approach, and that might not always be appealing to the partner. Some people come on too strong right from the first approach, and others try harder and harder if they feel they’re not getting the response they want.

If your partner isn’t responding as enthusiastically as you might hope for when you express your desire for them, it’s understandable that you might try harder. Unfortunately, that tends to come across as intensity and often causes your partner to back further away and be less forthcoming. So, you try harder and harder… until you give up. Then you back off completely and offer your partner nothing. It’s kind of like: “If you’re not going to play with me, then I don’t want to play with you!” Which is about as mature as the childish tone implies.


You’re not in the playground anymore, so you need more mature ways of relating. It’s not either-or. It’s not either I come on strong or I back off completely, either the energy is intense or it’s non-existent.

What we need is a balance. We need to be welcoming. We need to open our hearts and our arms to our partners and draw them to us.

Think of a delicious chocolate cake. You like the chocolate cake and want to share it with your partner. He or she probably likes the chocolate cake too, but not if you shove it in their face saying: “Eat the chocolate cake!! It’s really good chocolate cake!! Eat it!! Eat it!!” That will definitely turn them off eating the chocolate cake, no matter how much they like it.

But if you were to hold the cake a little way away from them and say: “Mmm-mmm, look at this delicious chocolate cake, doesn’t it look delicious? Imagine biting into it and tasting the sweet creamy texture, feeling it melt in your mouth. Mmm, would you like to share some with me? Here, let me cut a piece for you…” Your partner would be far more likely to want a piece.
It is possible of course that he or she might not be hungry, or might have had enough chocolate cake for the time being, so they might say no. In that case though, because of the charming way you’re presenting the cake, they will say no politely and kindly and quite possibly be open to cake a little later.

Do you see the point I’m making? Intensity repels and enticement attracts, regardless of how desirable the thing being offered might be. This applies to sex as much as anything else.

So, if you find your partner is recoiling from your advances…

…calm down, pull back a little and charm your partner, be alluring and enticing and draw him or her towards you.
This is the art of seduction and the key to being a great lover.



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