The Love Life Blog: sex advice for real people. 


Sex is a Normal Part of Life

Jacqueline Hellyer - Sunday, February 11, 2018



A couple who had been regular clients for most of the year finished their time with me recently. At their final session they told me they realized they were 'fixed' because they'd been out to dinner and found themselves happily talking about their sex life as though it was a normal part of life….

I was so pleased to hear this! For this couple, as with so many people, sex had become a Big Issue. It was a crazy mélange of expectations, obligations, desires, awkwardness, uncertainty, pleasures, confusions, misunderstandings - none of which they were able to deal with as they would with any other part of their lives.

As with other couples who stick with sex therapy, after (in their case) about ten sessions, they had unwound that knotty mess and had learned to speak openly and freely with each other. So sex had lost it’s “heaviness” and had once again become something light and joyful in their lives - to the extent that it had become an engaging and normal topic of dinnertime conversation.

I see this time after time - the ease with which couples come to see their sex lives after doing work with me, how they find a freedom to talk about sex, with lightness and naturalness.

Once they can talk freely, they can engage freely!

We tend to exceptionalize sex in our society. It's seen as something different from all other elements of our lives and so we treat it differently, as something ‘exceptional’, something not normal.

If you compare sex to say food, if our partner served us a meal that was a bit salty we’d naturally point out that we’d prefer less salt, and we’d consider it very normal to feel free enough to comment on our culinary preferences. We wouldn’t think our partner would be upset if we comment on how much salt they use, we wouldn’t think we’re abnormal for not liking that amount of salt, and we wouldn’t think that food was an awkward conversation and one we felt uncomfortable having.

So, yes, we can say we prefer less salt - but when it comes to sex there are all sorts of difficulties in speaking so freely. It’s so much harder to say: I’d prefer you to touch me a little more softly, or firmly, or just there, or not there, or almost, almost, ah yes that’s the spot…!

Part of the process of improving your sexual relating is to get to the stage where sex is simply a normal part of life. So just as you can comfortably talk to your partner about what you’d like for dinner, how much, what condiments, and all the myriad fine details that go into a meal, so you can speak just as freely about your love life - and with that comes a freedom to express yourself in words and actions with honesty, realness, connection and, of course, pleasure.

It can be difficult to find that language on your own though, difficult to have those conversations, which is why it's so good to work with a specialist like me to help you develop that comfort, either through sessions at my clinic, or by attending one of my gorgeous Couples Retreats. It's an investment that will pay back for the rest of your lives!





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