She says it hurts when I stimulate her manually. What am I doing wrong?
Probably too much too soon. A common misconception among men is that manual stimulation is foreplay and that’s what gets a woman aroused. Wrong. A woman needs to be aroused before she can enjoy manual stimulation. You don’t go barrelling straight on down to the clitoris!* She needs to be reasonably lubricated and engorged before she can enjoy manual stimulation. That means plenty of kissing and things like nibbling of ear lobes and licking of nipples; not to mention a good dinner, sexy text messages, the odd bunch of flowers and other such acts that will make feel wanted and desired and which will therefore get her in the mood for sex.
You see, sex is not just foreplay and then intercourse. There are more like four phases of sex: general life interaction, then foreplay, then sex play (non-penetrative) and sex play (penetrative). Oh, and not to forget the fifth phase: afterplay (try and stay a little smoochie before you roll over and start snoring).
I’m getting a little off the track here, but I do have to emphasise how important it is that your partner is feeling aroused before you get genital.
Now, once you are getting genital, two vital points:
- Make sure she’s well lubricated. Use her vaginal juices on her clitoris, or if she’s not self-lubricating enough, use your saliva, or lube from a tube, there are plenty of brands available from your chemist.
- Keep it gentle – there are as many nerves in the head of her clitoris as in the head of your penis, so imagine how sensitive that is!
And most importantly, you have to practice to become a great lover. So ask for her feedback to improve your skills. It’s not a sign that you’re a bad lover if you have to ask, it’s a sign of a good and improving lover. Which would you rather be?
*To quote Monty Python - if you haven’t seen the sex ed skit, you must.