The LoveLife Blog: guidance on mindful, bodyful, soulful loving!


Love in the Time of Chaos

Jacqueline Hellyer - Thursday, February 25, 2010

There’s a great article I wrote in the latest edition of Men’s Health Magazine on Sex for Busy People.

I’m going to summarise it here, and if you want to read more buy the magazine (March edition) or download it here.  Or buy my book “Sex Secrets for Busy People" from my bookshop and get the whole low-down!

Demands from the boss all day, pressures to achieve deadlines, squeeze in the gym, race home, deal with the kids, deal with the wife’s issues, check in on the internet, veg out for a TV show (if you’re lucky) , yeah yeah, help get the house ready for tomorrow, hope for a shag, into bed, roll over – and the wife’s asleep (or pretending)….

Not a pretty scenario, not one that will lead to fantastic sex. What to do?

Follow these five steps to sex in the time of chaos:

1. Forget spontaneity!

This has got to be the biggest myth out there about sex, that it’s got to be spontaneous to be good. That’s like saying the best footy game or the best meal or the best party comes spontaneously! No. Everything good in life takes planning, focus and effort - health does, wealth does, so does sex.

2.  Sex starts way before the bedroom

Planned or not, it’s not going to happen if you think that getting into bed, rolling over and saying “how about it love” maybe with a tweak or two of her nipple is enough.

Oh no, sex needs to start way before the bedroom. In a way, it never stops. I call it living life as foreplay, so that you keep intimacy and erotic tension alive throught the day. To quote Ester Perel: “Eroticism extends way beyond the sexual act.” 

3. Transition from boardroom to bedroom

A hugely important part of this is to allow yourself to transition from boardroom to bedroom. Even if you with your more pressing male libido feel you can transform from worker to stud in moments, chances are your lady love can’t. You have to transition from the busyness of everyday life, you have to chill.

4.  Let your environment turn you on

We’re very sensory creatures, affected positively or negatively by our surroundings. So make sure your surroundings enhance your sexual desire. In particular, turn your bedroom into a boudoir, a sanctuary away from the stress of life, a place that when you enter, you leave the world behind.

5.  Sex is playtime for adults

(To misquote Oscar Wilde) Sex is far too important to be taken seriously - keep it light and playful!

You see, it’s not the sponteneity or otherwise that makes sex good, it’s what happens when you have sex. So you have to use your imagination. Experiment with positions, places, procedures and props.

So let’s take a look at that opening scene again, with this new knowledge…

…You come home, take the dog for a short walk to relax, return for a family dinner around the table, then after the kids are in bed you and wife forget the housework because you decided tonight’s the night. So you bring her a glass of wine while she’s having a bath, give her a foot massage then light the candles, by the time she arrives at the sensuously lit bedroom with you reclining on the bed she’s quite happy to have you ask her to drop her robe and move over to the bed….and the rest is up to you imagination.

Perennial boredom or exquisite pleasure? Busyness is no excuse. It’s your choice.




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