I incorporate the energetic aspect of sex strongly into the work I do with private clients and in workshops. Personally I believe that without this understanding of sex it’s very difficult to correct problems and to move towards reaching your sexual potential.
The energetic traditions I draw from are both Tantric and Taoist, as well as my own experiences in the martial arts, particularly aikido (which translates as ‘the way of harmony’ and which is extraordinarily like sex, in the sense that is simultaneously still and moving, physical and spiritual, strong and soft, and constantly requiring connection and flow).
There are some very useful analogies about sexual energy and I love to share with modern people that they generally find quite illuminating. Here’s one:
The masculine sexual energy is like fire: it comes on quickly, burns brightly and extinguishes quickly.
The feminine sexual energy is like water: it’s slow to heat up, but once it’s boiling it will boil and boil and boil and boil…
So if we divide sex into two phases, desire and response, then the masculine has more energy in the desire phase and the feminine has more energy in the response phase.
This is why men generally tend to have a stronger libido, and why women have a greater range and intensity of arousal and orgasmic response.
Ideally in the sexual act, the man will use his fire energy to heat up the woman’s water energy. She’ll reach heights of arousal and ecstasy that will make him feel absolutely fantastic because he’s the one who got her there. He’ll probably have an orgasm too, but his satisfaction is primarily in the pleasure he’s given her. The release of all her sexual energy satisfies and nourishes him completely. In this way the sexual circuit is complete and sex is a wonderfully fulfilling, healing, liberating and bonding experience for both of them.
We do have both masculine and feminine energies within us and a well-rounded person will have a reasonably good balance within them. There are also some people whose energy is more the opposite than their own gender – men who are more “watery” and women who are more like “fire”. But for most people men tend to have a fire-like sexual energy and women tend to have a water-like sexual energy.
This is why men’s libido can suddenly arise out of nowhere. He can get an erection with very little or no stimulation, he just feels horny. This is the fire energy that simply switches on or ignites. Given that a man’s body is more testosterone driven, this makes sense.
In contrast, it’s pretty rare for a woman to suddenly feel horny out of the blue. Women don’t go, “Oh gosh! I’m lubricating! I must want sex!” Rather, a woman’s desire is contextual; it depends on how she’s feeling, how she’s getting on with her partner if she has one, and what kind of environment she’s in. All these factors will affect the temperature of her water energy.
When a woman has a high libido, it’s not because she has masculine fire energy, it’s because she keeps her water energy simmering. She lives in a way that makes her feel good about herself, she avoids getting too tired, and together with her partner they actively work on keeping their connection strong and making the time and place for sex. This is what keeps a women’s water energy warm. The warmer her water energy is on a day-to-day basis, the more open and receptive to sex she is. The colder her water energy is, the more effort is required to heat it, and some women have sexual energy that is frozen hard, tundra-and-permafrost even!
It does work both ways. There are plenty of men who find that their fire energy isn’t igniting, and there are many reasons for this. Men have their own complexities.
But when two people come together as lovers, whether it’s for a brief encounter or a lifetime, when her water energy is good and warm and his fire energy is switching on efficiently, then there’s a meeting between them. His desire is neither too needy nor too apathetic and her interest is neither too conditional nor too stifling. Rather, there’s an easy balance and fluidity between his desire and her openness to meet him, which takes them both to wonderful places.