The LoveLife Blog: guidance on mindful, bodyful, soulful loving!


Breathe Well: Live & Love Well

Jacqueline Hellyer - Tuesday, August 09, 2011

Breathing (like sex) is one of things we do in life that is considered ‘natural’ and so we believe it should function automatically without any attention or conscious effort on our part.

However, without this attention, breathing (like sex) generally worsens over time, becoming less effective and therefore less supportive to your health and wellbeing.
When we are little babies, we naturally breathe deep into our torsos, down into our bellies. When a baby is lying on its back you can see it’s little tummy going up and down as it breathes in and out. As we get older though, our breathing tends to get shallower and shallower. With some people their breathing gets so shallow that they are barely breathing lower than their shoulders, barely using their lungs at all. For the great majority of people the breath doesn’t get much lower than that, just the upper chest is used to breathe.

Take a moment to observe how deeply into your torso you breathe. Is it the upper chest, the full diaphragm? Or is your breath going deep into your belly, so you can see your abdomen rising with the in breath and falling with the out breath?

The more shallowly you breathe, the more anxious you feel, and vice versa.

Breathing into your belly has so many benefits: read more...



Phone Sex

Jacqueline Hellyer - Tuesday, July 19, 2011

When your lover is in absentia, it opens up wonderful possibilities for ‘distance sex’. With the range of technologies available these days, there’s no need to go celibate simply because your loved one’s not lying in bed next to you. In fact, absence can not only make the heart grow fonder, it can make the loins grow hotter!

So here are some pointers. read more...



Do Your Research - It's Fun!

Jacqueline Hellyer - Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Sex is the one thing in life we seem to think should just happen “naturally” without any focused attention and study. This is completely absurd, and one of the reasons why people don’t have good sex lives!  read more...



True Intimacy

Jacqueline Hellyer - Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Self-help books, women’s magazines and traditional therapists extol the virtues of intimacy as the way to improve your relationship and therefore have better sex. 
The two key aspects to this intimacy are:

1) To become more connected by spending more time together, and

2) To communicate (by speaking) every little thing about yourself, and conversely listening wondrously in rapt attention agreeing in perfect accord with every utterance.

Which would imply most of us haven’t got a snowflake’s chance in hell of having a decent sex life…
 read more...



Unconditional Love Requires Self-validation

Jacqueline Hellyer - Tuesday, June 07, 2011



Do you love unconditionally, or are there conditions to your love? You might have some romantic illusion that your love is pure, but really, it probably comes with a lot of strings attached. “I will love you if you love me” is the most obvious. There there is: “I will love you if you are nice to me”, “I will love you if you share my values and beliefs”, “I will love you if you agree with me”, “I will love you if you validate me”.

You might think you love the other person, but are there these requirements that come along with it? Do you really love the other person for who they are and who they’ve become over your time together? Or do you love your version of who you’d like them to be, or who you’ve convinced yourself they are? Do they need to fit some image of who you think or want your partner to be?

What are these conditions based on? Generally fear. The inability to validate yourself creates a need to have the other validate you, to make you feel ok about yourself and your own values, beliefs and world view.
 read more...



Fire and Water: The Masculine and Feminine Sexual Energies

Jacqueline Hellyer - Tuesday, May 31, 2011

The masculine sexual energy is like fire: it comes on quickly, burns brightly and extinguishes quickly.

The feminine sexual energy is like water: it’s slow to heat up, but once it’s boiling it will boil and boil and boil and boil…

So if we divide sex into two phases, desire and response, then the masculine has more energy in the desire phase and the feminine has more energy in the response phase.

This is why men generally tend to have a stronger libido, and why women have a greater range and intensity of arousal and orgasmic response.
 read more...



Men Need a Muse Not Just A Vagina

Jacqueline Hellyer - Tuesday, May 24, 2011


I know men intimately. It’s one of the blessings of my work. Hundreds of men have opened themselves up to me, baring their souls, telling me how they feel at the most basic, the most sensitive and the most intimate levels of their being.

One thing I have come to realise - men need a muse.

To a man, his beloved is so much more than just someone to have sex with. She is his inspiration, his reason for being, she is what gives him meaning and drive in life. When a man connects deeply with his woman, when he makes beautiful love with her, he feels all-powerful, as though he could conquer the world - and he does!
 read more...



High Libido Women Keep Their Water Energy Simmering

Jacqueline Hellyer - Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Masculine sexual energy is like fire, it comes on quickly, burns brightly and extinguishes quickly. 

Feminine sexual energy is like water: it takes longer to warm up, but once it’s hot it will boil and boil and boil…
 read more...



Teaching Tantra in Thailand

Jacqueline Hellyer - Tuesday, May 10, 2011

I ran a Tantra workshop last night, here on a permaculture farm in northern Thailand.

It was magical. The fact that the lights blew just as we started and we had to rely on candles added to the magic.

Twenty of us sat in a circle, alternating men and women, in the open-aired pagola which is the hub of the farm. The night was still and the candles cast a soft flickering light around the group. read more...



Chill Out in Your Sanctuary

Jacqueline Hellyer - Tuesday, April 26, 2011

We’ve been talking about rest and sleep as necessary prerequisites for good sex. Now we’ll talk about chilling out together.

I always recommend that couples find some time, preferably every day, where you can just hang out and chill together. It only needs to be 15 minutes over a cup of tea or glass of wine when the kids have gone to bed, or similar. You can give each other a foot massage - anything conducive to time to chat in an easy, relaxed way. 


When you’re in a good space like this it's also easier to raise the issue of whether you might move into some love-making that evening or not; and if you are open to the idea, what one or both of you might need to get there.


Clients have told me that this one small change to their relating – deciding that sex is no less sexy because it’s a little bit planned - has had a huge impact on their sense of connectedness and therefore on their sex lives. read more...



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