There are some old sexual myths of men being “naturally promiscuous” to sow their seed, and women being “naturally monogamous” because it’s “natural” for a woman to be less sexual and on closer examination these myths have no basis in fact. The former because it is a misuse of evolutionary theory and the latter because it is based on historical suppression of women’s sexuality not their biological reality. (See A History of Sexual Misinformation for more on this.) read more...
The LoveLife Blog: guidance on mindful, bodyful, soulful loving!
Have you ever had a gigglegasm?
Do you even know what a gigglegasm is? read more...
Over my years of clinical and academic involvement in sexuality (not to mention countless hours of personal ‘research’) I have identified seven underlying elements to our sexuality.
These elements are all essential to having a strong, healthy, integrated sexuality. If you are weak in any of them, your sexuality will be out of balance.
These elements are also developmental, each element includes and transcends the ones before. If you jump ahead before you’ve developed and integrated the earlier elements, that too will cause your sexuality to be out of balance. read more...
I see a lot of couples who like sex, but somehow they're just not getting around to it.
The higher-desire person is perplexed as to why the lower-desire person doesn’t want sex more often, especially when both parties clearly enjoy it once they actually get around to doing it. And the lower-desire person is confused as to why they find it so hard to have sex when it’s generally not so bad, even brilliant, when they actually do get around to doing it.
And sometimes it's not that there's a higher and lower desire person, they'd both like the idea of it, but it's not happening...
I point out to them that having sex can often be like getting to the gym – you know it’s good for you, you know you’ll enjoy it while you’re there, you know you’ll feel better for doing it, but … it’s still hard to get there in the first place! read more...
Desire is a wonderful thing. Intensity is not.
When you desire without intensity, when you open yourself to your partner and invite them in, that is enticing. That will attract them.
But, some people have a more direct approach, and that might not always be appealing to the partner. Some people come on too strong right from the first approach, and others try harder and harder if they feel they’re not getting the response they want.
If your partner isn’t responding as enthusiastically as you might hope for when you express your desire for them, it’s understandable that you might try harder. Unfortunately, that tends to come across as intensity and often causes your partner to back further away and be less forthcoming. So, you try harder and harder… until you give up. Then you back off completely and offer your partner nothing. It’s kind of like: “If you’re not going to play with me, then I don’t want to play with you!” Which is about as mature as the childish tone implies.
When you feel sexy, you are sexy.
Notice that I say when you feel sexy, not when you look sexy. You might also look sexy, but the important thing is that you feel sexy.
Just looking sexy is a superficial thing. You can try all you like with the latest fashions, gym workouts or even cosmetic surgery to look sexy. Until you feel sexy though, you won’t be sexy.
I was in session with a couple recently, looking at some challenging aspects of their relationship, when one of them said: ‘I guess you have to wade through your shit to get the insights to make change…’ and I responded with: ‘You’re not wading through it, you’re composting it!’.
They loved the analogy! And it’s a good one. We’ve all got our shit – defences, traumas, fears, confusions, resentments - that has accumulated over our history. If you don’t deal with it, it ferments and turns bad. But if you do deal with it, you are composting it, turning it into fertilizer for new growth. read more...
You can live life to the full or you can sink into dreary monotony. You can mature with vibrancy or you can grow old and tired. You can have a relationship that continues to explore and grow or you can have one of complacency and dullness. You can see your parenting role as one of keeping under control or as growth and delight (for you and your children).
It’s a choice. There is nothing ‘inevitable’ about how life turns out. The only thing inevitable is that life mirrors your attitude and beliefs. If you believe life, relationships, anything is all downhill after the early flush, it will be. If you believe life can continue to open up and bring new and interesting experiences, it will. read more...
Sex within intimate relationships can be an extraordinary place to grow spiritually, to deepen in love, expand conscious awareness, to feel more peace, bliss, ease. But it’s also very easy to fall into what’s called spiritual bypassing, thinking that you’re becoming more spiritual but actually doing some or all of the following:
The clitoris is a wonderful thing, one that leads to many and varied delights - but it is not an on / off button.
The clitoris is not the spot that turns a woman on.
In fact, a woman has to be already turned on before you touch her clitoris. read more...
- Do You PIV or VEP When You Have Sex?
- Take Your Penis for a Walk!
- It's Time to Let Our Souls Catch-Up
- Become a Sensual Explorer
- Q&A: My Wife Won't Pleasure Herself in Front of Me
- Subtle Shifts to Great Sex
- Q&A: My Husband Can't Keep an Erection, and He Smokes Lots of Marajuana
- Love in the Time of COVID-19
- Q&A: My Partner Doesn't Climax from Oral Sex and I'm Worried
- Meditate Your Way to Great Sex
- Q&A: My Partner Doesn't Like Kissing - what to do?
- Communing - deep intimate connection
- Q&A: We Want to Try a Threesome - how do we do it safely?
- On Being A Human in a Female Body
- Q&A: How Do We Connect After So Much Stress?
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