The LoveLife Blog: guidance on mindful, bodyful, soulful loving!


#305: So Many Ways to Eat, So Many Ways to…

Jacqueline Hellyer - Sunday, August 09, 2020



There are so many different ways to eat – all the way from a quick snack through to a fancy multi-course dinner. It’s the same with sex, which is why I use so many food analogies when I’m talking about sex.

I was doing this with a couple of clients recently. They’re a really fun-loving couple, upbeat and lively in most parts of life – but not the bedroom. Instead of the lightness that was in the rest of their connection, bedroom matters had become heavy and hard, and pretty non-existent. After several sessions of helping them identify and share their feelings and desires around sex, with loads of food analogies along the way, they came in to session with big smiles on their faces.

“We had sex three times!” the wife exclaimed. “We had roast dinner…” “And some cheese on toast…” added the husband, “And even an open sandwich!” finished the wife.
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#302: Turning Sex Lives Upside-Down - It’s My Life’s Work!

Jacqueline Hellyer - Sunday, June 28, 2020



Take a group of couples who love each other, put them in a beautiful environment with no distractions, teach them to connect more deeply, inspire them to explore and play, and what do you get…?


Well, as one man who attended one of my couples retreats put it:

"I thought this retreat would expand our sex life, but it didn’t so much expand as turn our sex life upside down! I’m now seeing the world with a new, exciting, slightly bewildering light.”

It’s hard to explain that to someone before they’ve experienced it. “What do you do?” people ask me. My answer could indeed be: “I turn people’s sex lives upside down.”
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#300: Do You PIV or VEP When You Have Sex?

Jacqueline Hellyer - Sunday, May 31, 2020



How do you describe the act of intercourse? Do you call it ‘penetrative sex’? If you do, which wouldn’t be surprising as it’s such a common term, have you ever thought about what the word actually means and symbolises?

Penetration means ‘breaking through resistance’. Which might have applied to sex in the bad old days when a wife was supposed to just submit to her husband whether she wanted to or not, so it may well have been an act of breaking through resistance. But now, in 2020, do we really want to think of sex as an aggressive act?

Worse still, the term ‘penetrative sex’ gives agency to the ‘penetrator’ - the man - who does it to a resistant, or at least passive, recipient – the woman.

Is this really the concept of intercourse we want to be perpetrating these days – that it’s something done to a woman by a man? Of course not, yet we still use the term. read more...



#295: Subtle Shifts to Great Sex

Jacqueline Hellyer - Sunday, April 05, 2020



If you look at all the other sex advice sites on the Internet you’d think the secret to great sex was only through sex toys. If you read the advice in popular magazines you’d think the secret to great sex was only through being in some fabulous position. And if you read the advice in the endless spam that gets past your email junk folder, you’d think it was only in some little blue pill. read more...



#294: Q&A: My Husband Can't Keep an Erection, and He Smokes Lots of Marajuana

Jacqueline Hellyer - Sunday, March 29, 2020

 From my column in Body+Soul

Question
: "My husband and I have been happily married for 10 years and recently he's wanted a lot more sex. At first I thought it was great, but he can't seem to keep his erection up and I can't help but feel disappointed. He's started smoking marijuana a lot more heavily lately - could this be to blame? What can I do?" 

Answer: There is so much pressure on penises. The poor things are supposed to rise to attention on command, stay hard for hours, only ejaculate when desired - and if they can’t do that, then the sex is considered poor, he has 'failed'. No wonder so many men suffer from performance anxiety!

As a society we’re adding to that pressure with all the porn that’s being watched, with endless footage of big hard cocks that appear to last for hours (never mind the reality that there are teams of women off set whose sole role is to keep the leads hard). And even on a more positive note, now that we quite rightly acknowledge the female partner’s right to pleasure, that can also add to pressure.

So, let’s take the pressure off your partner’s penis by looking at sex more holistically and what you can do as a couple to reduce any pressure he might be feeling. read more...



#292: Q&A: My Partner Doesn't Climax from Oral Sex and I'm Worried

Jacqueline Hellyer - Sunday, March 15, 2020



From my column in Body+Soul


Question
: I’ve been seeing my new boyfriend for six months. We’re really well suited, in and out of the bedroom, but there’s something troubling me. He doesn’t climax when I go down on him. I’m 32 and haven’t encountered this before. He says he loves what I do, but I’m starting to get a bit of a complex about it. What do you think?

AnswerWe’re a little too focused on our sexual KPIs (key performance indicators) in this society. Sex has to ‘achieve’ something, it’s goal-focused, and that goal is orgasm. And not just any orgasm, a very specific peak orgasm. If you don’t achieve that, you haven’t performed up to standard. You’ve failed.

But wait up a moment, that performance approach might be appropriate in the workplace, where there are quotas and deadlines and outcomes to be met – but in the bedroom? Do we need to take that performance focus into our sex lives, with all the pressure and expectation that accompanies it? Where’s the enjoyment in that?

I say a big no to the performance model of sex! Of the countless clients I see with sexual ‘dysfunctions’, the bulk of them are actually perfectly fine, it’s the model they’re trying to operate within that’s the problem. Seriously, we can’t all be that sexually dysfunctional. I may be a one-woman campaigner here, but hello world, it’s the model of sex that’s dysfunctional, not the people.  read more...



#281: Intercourse as Foreplay

Jacqueline Hellyer - Sunday, December 15, 2019



Foreplay is generally seen as what you do before you get to intercourse, to prepare yourselves (especially the woman) to be ready to receive “penetration” by the man. Intercourse is seen as a vigorous activity consisting of the man thrusting into the woman, or less frequently, the woman bouncing around on the man.

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#276: Q&A: How Do I Meet My Sexual Needs in a Sexless Marriage?

Jacqueline Hellyer - Sunday, November 10, 2019



From my column in Body+Soul


Question:
"I've just turned 60 and have been married over 35 years to a very good lady who loves me, but over the years has lost interest in sex. These days, she would happily have no sex at all, and so my advances are almost entirely rebuffed. The problem is I can’t find release myself – I’m not able to masturbate (perhaps my Catholic upbringing has locked in some guilt that stops me). My question has two parts: Is having regular erections without release bad for my health (eg my prostate)? And then… what can I do? If I can’t change my wife’s mind or learn to self-pleasure, I’m afraid I’ll start looking outside my marriage."  read more...



#272: Q&A: How Do We Reignite Our Love Life?

Jacqueline Hellyer - Sunday, October 13, 2019



From my column in Body+Soul

Question:
"My husband and I don't 'make love' any more, we seem to just get it over with. We've been married for 15 years and are pretty happy, all things considered. But we both work, and we have two young kids (both under 10), so there's not really much time or energy left over for a raging sex life. I don't necessarily want 'firework-sex' all the time, but I do hope we can get back to being more tender, more connected, and yes, do more cuddling afterwards! Where do we start?read more...



#268: Make Every Stroke Count

Jacqueline Hellyer - Sunday, August 25, 2019



A client of mine who'd done my Blackbelt in the Bedroom seminar for men said that afterwards he had the best sex ever. 

He said: “I applied everything you taught us. I made every stroke count. It was unbelievable!”
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