I had a male client complain to me recently that after five years he still couldn’t get his girlfriend to want or enjoy sex. He said he’d tried everything - even anal sex and fisting, and she still wasn’t interested…
Oh boy, I think this guy was confusing sex with a porn shoot.
The poor girlfriend wasn’t frigid, she just wasn’t ready! Fortunately she was trusting her body and saying no, rather than going ahead and traumatizing herself. read more...
The LoveLife Blog: guidance on mindful, bodyful, soulful loving!
Absence makes the heart grow fonder. It’s true. Think about how much more attractive your partner is when they’ve been away for a while. Maybe they’ve been to the gym and they come back alert and refreshed and with a healthy glow about them; or maybe they’ve been out catching up with friends and have come back glowing and full of tales to tell; maybe they’re studying at night school and come home elated and wanting to share their new knowledge.
When your partner has been apart from you, doing interesting things, they come back fresher, more vibrant and with a desirable energy. You can look at them and think to yourself: “Mmm, I like you” read more...
You might be in the mood…
…but by the time you’ve put the dishwasher on, put out the rubbish, checked on the kids, locked the house, brushed your teeth, got changed and hopped into bed… well, somehow the urge has disappeared.
How do you stay in the mood as you lead-up to sex?
Make the lead-up erotic!
To have great sex you need to be able to switch off and focus at the same time: switch off from the rest of the world and focus on what's happening right here and right now. You need to be able to lose yourself into the experience.
One of the main reasons I hear that people have trouble getting in to sex or getting around to sex is that they can't switch off and become present to the connection, so clearly this is a skill that modern people are in need of. Even if you are having decent sex, improving your ability to let go and be present in the experience will make the sex better and better.
So how to learn that skill? Learn to meditate! The better you get at meditating, the easier it is for you to sink in to sex.
It’s that ability to ‘sink in’ to yourself, that deep, calm feeling that’s so good for sex. This is especially so for long-term partners, where the “va-va-voom let’s-go-for-it-baby” introduction, that you might have had in the early days, has waned. Well, let’s face it, when you’ve been cleaning the house, putting the kids to bed, catching up on emails, watching the late news…it’s not exactly va-va-voom material is it?
Good sex is like good food. If you want a good meal, you've got two choices.
1) Plan in advance: set a date, go through the recipe books, do the shopping, set time aside for the cooking, start work in a clean kitchen, enjoy the process of cooking, lay a beautiful table, plate the food up well - then you have an amazing meal.
Or, if you want a more ‘spontaneous’ good meal:
2) Have a well-stocked kitchen: plenty of good ingredients in the larder and all the right implements in the cupboards, plus have plenty of practice at throwing things together - then you grab all the right elements to put an amazing meal together at short notice.
It’s the same with sex. If you want a really good encounter you can either.
What level of desire do each of you have to:
• Visit the in-laws
• Learn a foreign language for an overseas trip
• Go running in the morning
• Help the kids with their homework
• Plant a vegetable garden
• Renovate the bathroom
• Have sex?
Once you've been practicing the basic exercises for a while, you should feel a change in your pelvis, feeling more present and connected to your genital region. This is a good thing.
Give your pelvic floor a squeeze now, notice how it connects you to your pelvic area. Breath into your belly and do some more squeezes, nice and relaxed.
Let’s look at some advanced pleasures;
Can you use your pelvic floor to draw up energy and recharge yourself?
Can you have sustained orgasms?
Men, can you use your muscles to help you last longer?
If not, can I suggest you strengthen your pelvic floor muscles? read more...
I was in session with a wonderful couple recently. Like so many of my clients they really love each other, want to stay together, but the sex has waned to the point of non-existence.
With couples in this situation, there’s normally a lot of ‘undoing’ to be done before they can move forward sexually. They have to overcome the years of complacency and misunderstandings, unvoiced expectations, swallowed hurts, even to be able to come to a place of commonality from where they can stand firm together, hand in hand, looking in the same direction. Then the intimacy, eroticism and true desire can begin!
Self-help books, women’s magazines and traditional therapists extol the virtues of intimacy as the way to improve your relationship and therefore have better sex.
The two key aspects to this intimacy are:
1) To become more connected by spending more time together, and
2) To communicate (by speaking) every little thing about yourself, and conversely listening wondrously in rapt attention agreeing in perfect accord with every utterance.
Which would imply most of us haven’t got a snowflake’s chance in hell of having a decent sex life…
- How Has Sex Helped You Grow - Research Participants Wanted!
- Optimal Sexuality - Reaching Your Sexual Potential
- It's the Sum of the Small Things
- Relationship Vitamins
- I See You as Lover - the importance of attention in loving well
- You Can Make Love With Just a Kiss
- Finding the 'More' - the Spiritual Dimensions of Sex
- How to Stay In Love
- Expanding Your Sexual Play Pt 2: How
- Expanding Your Sexual Play Pt 1: What
- Simple Sex is Good Sex
- Solo Sex: Mindful Masturbation
- Own the Crone
- Porn Star versus Prude
- “When One is Pretending, the Whole Body Revolts”
to LOVELIFE News for regular inspiration on sex, love and intimacy!