A key to intimacy is expressing your feelings. Not your thoughts, your feelings: being able to share with your partner how you are feeling and being able to hear what he or she is sharing with you.
It's not an easy thing to do. More commonly people hold back out of fear of a negative reaction from their partner. So they end up playing this weird dance of trying to mind-read what the other wants and feels, and generally getting it wrong.
The LoveLife Blog: guidance on mindful, bodyful, soulful loving!
I'm always amazed at what happens when a couple is radically honesty with each other.
Let me share a couple of recent examples:
In one case, a young man told his wife that he didn’t find her sexually attractive and never really had. He had naturally felt he couldn’t tell her that for fear of insulting and upsetting her, but he was really finding it hard to have sex with her because of this feeling. read more...
This might sound obvious, of course you should love your partner. But do you really? And if you so, how do you express that love? Are you treating your partner like your lover? Or are you treating them as your spouse/co-parent/boss/subordinate/flat-mate/carer/dependant/provider/nurturer…?
There are only two true feelings in life: love and fear. All the negative emotions are essentially some expression of fear. Anger comes from fear: so if you are narky or nagging or irritated or down right furious with your partner, you are expressing fear. Oppression comes from fear; so if you are controlling your partner, or allowing yourself to be controlled by them, you are expressing fear. And boredom comes from fear; so if you are allowing yourself to become stuck in a rut and not seek enjoyment in life, then you are expressing fear. read more...
What is Tantra?
Essentially, it’s mindful sex. Or to be a little broader: mindful loving. Loving with presence and focus, fully engaged physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually.
Mindful sex means that: read more...
It’s so hard when your partner has been unfaithful.
“How could this person I love, and who I thought loved me, do this to me? How can I possible get over it? Should I even try…?”
These are the thoughts that plague you. read more...
In the last post I wrote about consensual non-monogamy. It’s an option for some people and it can work. However, it’s not for everyone. Most people prefer to be at least primarily, if not exclusively, monogamous.
But for monogamy to work you need consensual non-monotony.
Yes, it’s a play on words, but it’s also an extremely important point. A couple can only have good on-going sex if they both agree to make it good.
As I’ve stressed so often, good sex doesn’t just ‘happen’, you have to work at it, and you both have to work at it as a joint project. Otherwise you get complacency and dreariness.
You both need to agree to ditch the monotony! read more...
How many people are in relationship limbo, not knowing whether they should stay in the relationship or leave it? I see them all the time, mentally adding up the positives and the negatives, weighing them up against each other, hoping to come to some logical decision about whether to stay or go.
Trying to weigh up the positives and the negatives as a means of deciding whether the relationship is good or not is never very effective. Some days it weighs in favour of one decision, some days another…
It doesn’t come down to whether the positives outweigh the negatives. It actually comes down to some simple, key points. read more...
The neurotransmitter dopamine makes us feel good and positive and upbeat. When we have healthy levels of dopamine we have a positive outlook on life and have energy and motivation - and a better sex drive!
When dopamine levels are low we feel sluggish and down, the world is grey and everything is an effort - including sex.
To increase your sexual desire you need to do things that increase your dopamine levels. read more...
My clients are all adults, although in some cases it’s hard to believe: they come to me wanting a positive, mature relationship with good sexual relating - yet they act like kids in the playground! They bully, they whine, they play games, they lie, they ignore, they’re rude, they’re insensitive…. And they think that this behaviour will result in mutual sexual desire!? read more...
That’s what a couple said to me recently: “We’re slaying the pink elephants!” These elephants had been sitting in all the corners of their relationship and taking up so much room they were feeling stifled and could hardly breathe, let alone relate.
- Optimal Sexuality - Reaching Your Sexual Potential
- It's the Sum of the Small Things
- Relationship Vitamins
- I See You as Lover - the importance of attention in loving well
- You Can Make Love With Just a Kiss
- Finding the 'More' - the Spiritual Dimensions of Sex
- How to Stay In Love
- Expanding Your Sexual Play Pt 2: How
- Expanding Your Sexual Play Pt 1: What
- Simple Sex is Good Sex
- Solo Sex: Mindful Masturbation
- Own the Crone
- Porn Star versus Prude
- “When One is Pretending, the Whole Body Revolts”
- Non-Linear Love-Making: the Picnic Approach to Sex
to LOVELIFE News for regular inspiration on sex, love and intimacy!