The LoveLife Blog: guidance on mindful, bodyful, soulful loving!

Some Words for the Lower Desire Partner

Jacqueline Hellyer - Tuesday, January 28, 2014

Whether you feel bad about it or good about it, if you’re the lower desire partner (LDP) you have a major impact on how often and how well the two of you have sex. So I’m going to have a few words to say to each gender about this topic. I get around equal numbers of couples where the man has the lower level of desire, so it’s not just “a problem that women have”. read more...

Subtle Shifts to Great Sex

Jacqueline Hellyer - Tuesday, December 31, 2013

If you look at all the other sex advice sites on the Internet you’d think the secret to great sex was only through sex toys. If you read the advice in popular magazines you’d think the secret to great sex was only through being in some fabulous position. And if you read the advice in the endless spam that gets past your email junk folder, you’d think it was only in some little blue pill. read more...

Planning for Pleasure

Jacqueline Hellyer - Tuesday, December 03, 2013

If you want a good night out, do you tend to plan it in advance or decide on the spur of the moment? If you’re playing sport, do you have your trainings and matches planned in advance, or do you just play whenever the whim takes you (and hope that everyone else involved is interested and available too)?

I imagine you’d say in both cases that you plan in advance, that you schedule those enjoyable activities.

So why not schedule sex?

How Often Should We Have Sex?

Jacqueline Hellyer - Tuesday, October 08, 2013

This is one of those ‘am I normal’ type questions that I’m always asked. The answer to the question: How often is normal? Is simply: Whatever is right for you.

So the question you should be asking is: How often is right for us?

If neither of you want to ever have sex, that’s fine, because that’s right for you. If you both want to have sex twice a day, terrific! That’s what’s right for you. read more...

Know Your Sexual Rhythm

Jacqueline Hellyer - Tuesday, September 24, 2013

How often do you like to have sex? Are you into a daily morning quickie, or are you happy to wait for weeks until the perfect time arises and you can have hours of quality love-making? Do you like to have sex at fairly regularly spaced intervals, or do you tend to have a few sessions close together and then you’re done for a while?

Or don’t you know?

Obligation Sex is Self-Imposed Low-Level Sexual Trauma

Jacqueline Hellyer - Tuesday, July 23, 2013

There is a school of thought that says women should ‘just do it’. The implication being that sex really isn’t that important, it’s easy to lie there and get it over with - I guess the idea is that you can just plan the shopping list or something while he gets his necessary sexual release (as if he doesn’t have two hands available).

I find that approach abhorrent on so many levels. Most obviously, men don’t actually want obligation sex. Radical concept to some perhaps, but men actually want their partners to enjoy sex too. (Hmm, maybe men aren’t just animalist creatures wanting to get their end in?)

Less obviously, but more importantly: sex is not just sex. The vagina is exquisitely linked to a woman’s brain, her self-worth, her creativity, her joie de vivre. For her to feel good about herself and about life she needs to treat her vagina well.

A vagina that engages in gorgeous, desirable, satisfying love-making will make her owner feel wonderful. A vagina that engages in unwanted, unprepared sex (slapping on some lube is not preparation) will not make her owner feel good. The vagina is being subjected to low-level trauma and so the woman is being subjected to low-level trauma. She will feel resentful, irritated, frustrated, used (sound familiar?). When a woman feels like this it goes inward, so she feels bad about herself and life in general; all because she’s ‘just doing it’ and putting out because for some reason she thinks she ‘should’.

Say ‘no’ to obligation sex and say ‘yes’ to desired sex, sex that is good for your vagina and good for you!


My Ejaculation Opens the Door to Deeper Orgasm

Jacqueline Hellyer - Tuesday, May 28, 2013

 Photo by Collis from Pexels

In the Tantric and Taosit traditions it's often recommended that men should abstain from ejaculating, which is a challenging concept for modern men!

I believe it’s not about you should or shouldn’t, but how you orgasm. So here are some thoughts from a man who practices mindful love-making, and agrees with me that it's not what you do but how you do it.   read more...

To Come or Not To Come

Jacqueline Hellyer - Tuesday, May 07, 2013

 Photo by Mahrael Boutros from Pexels

One of the main differences between 'standard' modern sexual practices and the more alternative, spiritual sexual practices is the attitude to orgasm.

In the mainstream, orgasm is generally considered a highly desirable, usually necessary, part of sex, and generally the bigger the better and the more the merrier.

In the Tantric/Taoist approaches there is a strong emphasis on not having an orgasm. Which to many modern Westerners seems crazy, especially for those who think the whole point of sex is orgasm. read more...

The Number One Secret to Good Sex

Jacqueline Hellyer - Tuesday, March 12, 2013

The number one secret to good sex is to surrender.  read more...

Intercourse as Foreplay

Jacqueline Hellyer - Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Foreplay is generally seen as what you do before you get to intercourse, to prepare yourselves (especially the woman) to be ready to receive “penetration” by the man. Intercourse is seen as a vigorous activity consisting of the man thrusting into the woman, or less frequently, the woman bouncing around on the man.


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