The LoveLife Blog: guidance on mindful, bodyful, soulful loving!

How Often Should We Have Sex?

Jacqueline Hellyer - Tuesday, October 08, 2013

This is one of those ‘am I normal’ type questions that I’m always asked. The answer to the question: How often is normal? Is simply: Whatever is right for you.

So the question you should be asking is: How often is right for us?

If neither of you want to ever have sex, that’s fine, because that’s right for you. If you both want to have sex twice a day, terrific! That’s what’s right for you. read more...

Obligation Sex is Self-Imposed Low-Level Sexual Trauma

Jacqueline Hellyer - Tuesday, July 23, 2013

There is a school of thought that says women should ‘just do it’. The implication being that sex really isn’t that important, it’s easy to lie there and get it over with - I guess the idea is that you can just plan the shopping list or something while he gets his necessary sexual release (as if he doesn’t have two hands available).

I find that approach abhorrent on so many levels. Most obviously, men don’t actually want obligation sex. Radical concept to some perhaps, but men actually want their partners to enjoy sex too. (Hmm, maybe men aren’t just animalist creatures wanting to get their end in?)

Less obviously, but more importantly: sex is not just sex. The vagina is exquisitely linked to a woman’s brain, her self-worth, her creativity, her joie de vivre. For her to feel good about herself and about life she needs to treat her vagina well.

A vagina that engages in gorgeous, desirable, satisfying love-making will make her owner feel wonderful. A vagina that engages in unwanted, unprepared sex (slapping on some lube is not preparation) will not make her owner feel good. The vagina is being subjected to low-level trauma and so the woman is being subjected to low-level trauma. She will feel resentful, irritated, frustrated, used (sound familiar?). When a woman feels like this it goes inward, so she feels bad about herself and life in general; all because she’s ‘just doing it’ and putting out because for some reason she thinks she ‘should’.

Say ‘no’ to obligation sex and say ‘yes’ to desired sex, sex that is good for your vagina and good for you!


My Ejaculation Opens the Door to Deeper Orgasm

Jacqueline Hellyer - Tuesday, May 28, 2013

 Photo by Collis from Pexels

In the Tantric and Taosit traditions it's often recommended that men should abstain from ejaculating, which is a challenging concept for modern men!

I believe it’s not about you should or shouldn’t, but how you orgasm. So here are some thoughts from a man who practices mindful love-making, and agrees with me that it's not what you do but how you do it.   read more...

To Come or Not To Come

Jacqueline Hellyer - Tuesday, May 07, 2013

 Photo by Mahrael Boutros from Pexels

One of the main differences between 'standard' modern sexual practices and the more alternative, spiritual sexual practices is the attitude to orgasm.

In the mainstream, orgasm is generally considered a highly desirable, usually necessary, part of sex, and generally the bigger the better and the more the merrier.

In the Tantric/Taoist approaches there is a strong emphasis on not having an orgasm. Which to many modern Westerners seems crazy, especially for those who think the whole point of sex is orgasm. read more...

Know Your Sexual Rhythm

Jacqueline Hellyer - Tuesday, April 16, 2013

How often do you like to have sex? Are you into a daily morning quickie, or are you happy to wait for weeks until the perfect time arises and you can have hours of quality love-making? Do you like to have sex at fairly regularly spaced intervals, or do you tend to have a few sessions close together and then you’re done for a while?

Or don’t you know?

The Number One Secret to Good Sex

Jacqueline Hellyer - Tuesday, December 11, 2012

The number one secret to good sex is to surrender. 

That's all.

You've got to surrender to the act. Let go of the crap in your head and get completely and utterly in your body, in the flow, surrendered to the pleasure of the experience.

Try A Little Tenderness

Jacqueline Hellyer - Monday, December 05, 2011

So much of my work revolves around enabling people to come together with real intimacy. I’m blessed to be able to see this in private sessions in the workshops and retreats that I run. Seeing couples sharing their love and intimacy so beautifully is an awe-inspiring experience, but it’s also sadly rare in our society.

Sensuality Feeds Sexuality

Jacqueline Hellyer - Thursday, October 06, 2011

Think about how you use your senses as you make love. Do you use all your senses? Do you engage with the whole of your partner’s body, or just a few bits?

As you become more sensual in your love-making, sex becomes less ‘sexual’, focused on ‘getting your rocks off’, and becomes more ‘sensual’, more loving. Although paradoxically, sensuality also feeds sexuality: the more in tune you are with your senses and the more you use them and enjoy the sensual nature of love-making, the more intensely you’ll experience sex.

You need to reawaken your senses, to re-engage with life. The sensual realm is the physical realm, but it’s a lot more than just superficial appearances. Embrace the sensual and you’ll connect with your body at a deep level and increase your energy, both of which will heighten your desire for sex and your enjoyment of it. read more...

Do Your Research - It's Fun!

Jacqueline Hellyer - Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Sex is the one thing in life we seem to think should just happen “naturally” without any focused attention and study. This is completely absurd, and one of the reasons why people don’t have good sex lives!  read more...

Being Real

Jacqueline Hellyer - Tuesday, April 12, 2011

There's a beautiful quote from Anais Nin:

"There came a day when the flower realized that the pain of remaining tight in a bud was greater than the risk of opening up and blossoming. 

That's how people often feel about their sexuality before they come to see me. It's what I love in this work, whether it's with private clients or in the group workshops, people start to tap into their true selves and to allow themselves to be who they really are and express themselves honestly and openly.

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