The LoveLife Blog: guidance on mindful, bodyful, soulful loving!

#228: What To Do When He Can't Come

Jacqueline Hellyer - Saturday, March 24, 2018

We often hear about women having trouble with orgasms, and generally with men it’s thought that they have the opposite problem, that they come too quickly. So when a man has trouble coming, or can’t come at all, he might feel that there’s something wrong with him. He can feel very alone.

But it’s actually very common for men not to come. It’s called Retarded or Delayed Ejaculation, and most men will encounter it at least sporadically in their lives. If it’s happening repeatedly though, it can be a problem. Particularly if the woman thinks it’s because he’s not attracted to her, or if they want to conceive.

The cause is generally stress-related and the situation gets worse when it causes Performance Anxiety, which exacerbates the inability to come in some men, and in other men can lead to losing erection or even coming too quickly. To make matters worse, if there’s additional anxiety caused by the partner’s negative response, then that creates a negative feedback loop, and the man ends up with anxiety about having Performance anxiety - Performance Anxiety Anxiety!

Not a good thing.

The thing is though, sex is not about orgasm. Too many people think that sex... read more

#228: What To Do When He Can't Come

Jacqueline Hellyer - Saturday, March 24, 2018

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#227: The Adolescent Male Masturbatory Model of Sex

Jacqueline Hellyer - Saturday, March 10, 2018

For generations we raised our girl children to think they’re not sexual, that they shouldn’t be sexual, and if they were sexual - stoning or burning them to death or locking them away in insane asylums. Women didn’t have a chance to explore their sexuality, and neither did their partners.

So, with no alternative, when a man married he basically kept on doing with his wife what he’d been doing with himself for years - masturbating. Since puberty the adolescent boy had been stroking his penis as fast as he could until he ejaculated. So when he got a female partner, not knowing any better, he kept doing that inside her.

Essentially men were masturbating inside their wives.

So the standard approach has three parts:
  1.    Find yourself aroused - you have to be horny before you start
  2.    Stroke genitals rapidly - it's all about the shagging
  3.    Have an orgasm - we all know the 'rule' that sex ends when the man ejaculates - right?
I call this the Adolescent Male Masturbatory (AMM) Model of Sex.

It’s what we in the West have done for millennia.

... read more

#210: Penises Love A Soft Touch

Jacqueline Hellyer - Sunday, September 17, 2017

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#210: Penises Love A Soft Touch

Jacqueline Hellyer - Sunday, September 17, 2017

Penises love a woman’s softness. Why then, do so many women feel they need to stimulate a man so hard?

A woman is not a masturbation machine, nor is she a vacuum cleaner. Yet so many women act like this in bed with a man.

If he really wants the intensity of a man from his partner, then tell him to explore his bisexual side! Seriously - bisexual men tell me that the pleasure of being with a man is in the intensity and hardness of the encounter.

The problem is that so many men have never even had their penises touched tenderly and softly.

Because men tend to be pretty intense when masturbating, some think that’s the only way to pleasure their penis, and so expect the same from their female partner. But once a man has experienced the sensation of tender stimulation of his penis (given with true erotic desire and connection), well, he won’t turn back. It’s a wonderful sensation.

Which is not to say that there aren’t times when you won’t want to bring in some vigor. Most of the time though, explore the gentler side -  hold and caress and stroke your man’s penis with intense softness and... read more

#208: The Best Thing A Father Can Do

Jacqueline Hellyer - Sunday, September 03, 2017

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#208: The Best Thing A Father Can Do

Jacqueline Hellyer - Sunday, September 03, 2017

My parents are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary this week. Congratulations Mum and Dad!

They’ve had a great relationship. It’s had its ups and downs of course, but they never flat-lined or became complacent. They maintained their zest for life. And as I often say: you’ve gotta love life to have a love life.

What I do want to talk about is how much my father loves my mother, and what a positive impact that has had on me. You see, as a girl, having a father who loves, respects and admires his wife, your mother, is the best thing possible for growing up with a positive self-image.

There is nothing better a man can do to ensure his daughters grow up with a positive self-image than to love their mother, with equality and respect

To the girl, her mother represents ‘woman’ and her father represents ‘man’, so when her father truly loves and respects her mother, she learns deep in her soul that ‘man’ loves ‘woman’, and therefore relating sexually becomes a positive and desirable thing.

So guys, for the sake of your daughters, love your partner. Then, no matter what challenges you have with the parenting, your... read more

#180: A Penis is for Connection, not Penetration

Jacqueline Hellyer - Saturday, October 29, 2016

Think about electrical sockets. You have a masculine socket and a feminine socket. Bringing them together enables the energy to flow.

One socket is not more dominant than the other, one is not more important than the other, one does not have greater needs than the other. They are equally important, they have different but equal roles to play. The masculine socket enters the feminine socket; the feminine socket receives and holds the masculine socket. Then the energy can flow.

It’s the same with intercourse. It’s not about the penis penetrating a passive vagina. That is such an aggressive concept. It’s about the penis entering the vagina and the vagina accepting and holding the penis. The vagina needs and wants the penis as much as the penis needs and wants the vagina. Then, and only then, can the energy flow.

Different but equal. Different but complementary. Each needs the other, each matches the other, the combination makes the energy flow.


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#180: A Penis Is For Connection Not Penetration

Jacqueline Hellyer - Saturday, October 29, 2016

Download Audio: A Penis Is For Connection Not Penetration

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#179: Men Have Not Evolved to 'Sow Their Seed Widely'

Jacqueline Hellyer - Friday, October 21, 2016

There’s a myth perpetuating in our society that men are “naturally” more promiscuous than women. One of the reasons given for this is that men have evolved to “sow their seed widely” so as to have more children and therefore ensure the continuity of their genes.

I'm never sure whether to pull my hair out in frustration or laugh at the ludicrousness of such as suggestion, which I hear so often, even from intelligent thoughtful people.

The fact is that the “sow seed widely” form of reproduction is generally only practiced by the lower orders of animals, such as amphibians and fish and coral. In these species the female lays huge quantities of eggs, which hatch into offspring, most of which don’t survive until reproductive age. The males conversely, have to spread huge amounts of sperm around, to catch the widely scattered eggs.

As you go further up the complexity of the animal kingdom you find that there is less and less spreading of seed by the males as the females give birth to increasingly dependent young. By the time you get to humans at the top of the complexity scale and at the extreme end of the infant nurturing scale, you get offspring that are so useless they take... read more

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