Download Audio: Sex Doesn't Have to Involve the Genitals

We tend to assume that sex has to involve the genitals, and that any sense of erotic or sexual arousal will need to lead to genital engagement.

This is because we’ve associated sex with reproduction for so long, and obviously you need genital interaction for reproduction.

Yet sex is not just about reproduction. In fact it’s rarely about reproduction. Sex in humans is not primarily a reproductive function.

If we do think of sex as only genital, or at least, having to involve the genitals, then we get into the either/or thinking that plagues us. For example, if you have a particular fetish for wearing certain clothes, you’ll feel a heightened erotic sense when wearing them. That enjoyment can be enough in itself. It doesn’t have to lead to sex.

Conversely, we can feel a heightened erotic sensation from so many experiences, such as food, music, art, gardening, sport and physical activity. In fact, any pleasurable activity that leads to the release of ‘happy hormones’ in our body is in some way sexual because it leads to that heightened sense of arousal.

You see, it’s all linked: your mind, heart, body and spirit. Stimulate one part and it makes the whole feel good. To take out one part, and label that as ‘sex’ sort of misses the point. It’s limiting and confusing.

You can look at an attractive person, feel a sexual stirring, and enjoy just that feeling. Or you can go to a fabulous concert and it’s like foreplay that leads you to want genital engagement.

All of life should be a kind of foreplay, where you live in a heightened, joyful state. Is that sexual, is it erotic, and is it pleasurable - of course it all is! You can channel that wonderful feeling into all and any part of your life, of which genital play is just one small (although wonderful!) part.

I'm a little embarrassed to say this, but a couple of weeks ago I was in an emergency ward with a suspected heart attack. Yes, me, the supposed expert on chilling out, taking it slow, enjoying life and love....Oops!

So what happened? After all, I do regular yoga, meditation, relaxation...or do I?

Being attached to a machine that goes 'bing' for eight hours gives you a lot of time to reflect. It's kind of a forced meditation, especially as I was having trouble breathing and had to focus on my breath.

Well, the honest truth is that my regular self-care had become more than a little irregular. I hadn't been practising what I preach. I was proving that not doing what I advise to do does in fact result in a lack of peace and harmony.

This kind of work, where I'm constantly giving out nurturing and inspiring energy to people, plus having three children of my own, means that I have to keep filling up my love tank. So: physician heal thyself.

I share this so that you know that even we 'experts' struggle at times. In this era where there are so many things competing for our time, and where the truly important things in life tend to put aside in favour of the non-nurturing and the non-loving, it's so important that we each stay focused on what's important.

I often talk about how couples need to prioritise time for themselves, to fill up their mutual love tank. Before you can even get to that, you need to fill up your own self-love tank. It's like when the oxygen masks come down in the plane, you have to put your own on before you attend to anyone else, or else you'll be dead and no use to anyone.

For people with a stronger bent towards tending others, it can be hard to focus on yourself. "Who's got the time," you say, or "I'd feel guilty".

But if you don't, you either become a withered up drained shell of yourself, or you become harder and harder (and unhappier and unhappier) which leads to grumpy, bitter and twisted, and other nasty traits.

So, go through your life and start removing the irksome, the time-consuming, the draining, and prioritise the rejuvinating, the uplifting, the peace-inducing. And if you feel you 'can't', then book in for some sessions with me, so I can help make that a 'can'.

As for me, I have reinstated daily mediation and yoga, I have modified a lot of the ways I work, and I am writing this while on the tiny tropical island of Gili Air doing an eight-day rejuvenation retreat....

The love tanks are re-filling.

I firmly believe that the reason humans have evolved to be so sexual is because sex is so good for us. While almost all other mammals have sex only to procreate, humans (and some of the other “higher” more intelligent mammals) can have sex at any time - and do!
 
 Keep in mind that I mean quality sex here, not obligation or duty sex. It must be real sex, and that includes solo sex, that you are genuinely enjoying and gaining pleasure from. It doesn’t even have to include orgasms, it’s about the quality of the whole experience, not achieving anything.
 
 It can be simple or fancy, the only indicator of whether its quality is whether it feels good for you and leaves you with a positive sense of wellbeing.
 
 Good regular sex benefits us:

• Physically
• Emotionally
• Relationally
• Spiritually
• Socially

Physically, sex tones the muscles, gently stretches the body all over, burns calories, helps with cardio health, respiration, digestion, skin and hair quality, generally keeping you looking young and feeling vital.
 
 Emotionally, sex cures mild depression, releases stress, calms and tranquilizes through the release of endorphins, and the dopamine release makes you feel positive and confident and able to take on the world.
 
 Relationally, sex is bonding due to the release of oxytocin, the cuddle hormone, and vasopressin, the men’s ‘chivalry’ hormone; it builds resilience in a relationship, so the little annoyances don’t matter and you’re more likely to act in kind and loving ways to your partner. You also become better parents, as calm, happy loving parents tend to raise calm, happy loving children (or at least are better able to deal with challenging ones!)
 
 Spiritually, I believe that bliss and ecstasy are a human need, one which so many people seek artificially, but one that can be met through the release of natural opiates from your own body from good quality, connected lovemaking, enabling you to grow spiritually, feeling more blissful and acting in loving ways.
 
 Socially, a society in which people were having regular quality lovemaking would be one where people were physically and mentally healthy, emotionally solid, with strong relationships and families - spiritually aware. All in all, it would be a pretty darn good society in which to live!
 
 So, make love - for the betterment of yourself, your loved ones, your society and the world! 

I don't believe so;I wouldn't be in this profession if I thought my role was to encourage people, especially women, to have 'good enough' sex. That doesn't seem to be the view of some of my colleagues though.

I was stunned then to hear approaches that effectively said:

“Women aren’t very sexual, they’re like frozen chickens in bed (actual quote), so it’s important we don’t get their expectations up and lead them into thinking they can have better sex.”

I’m a working mother of three, so life gets busy! When you live a life like mine, you have to focus on balance. I'm constantly struggling with my mad innate urges to completely over-commit and take on too much (well, it is all so interesting and so necessary!). I, like many women out there, may be a super woman, but I am not Superwoman, and I have limits. There has to be a balance. And that balance must be crafted. 

We often say we need to 'find a balance'. But you can't find a balance, where do you suppose you'll find it, in the kitchen cupboard, back behind the Tupperware? No, you can't find balance, you have to craft it. You must constantly be aware of the ebb and flow of life, stay in tune with your energies, and consciously craft an on-going state of balance.
 
 It's hard in our society which itself is so out of balance. The yang outweighs the yin; the masculine outweighs the feminine; the head outweighs the heart; the fiscal outweighs the ethical; work outweighs pleasure. The imbalances are everywhere.
 
 So first we need to find the balance within, to become centred. This develops through presence, mindfulness, and correct breathing. Not to mention good posture, diet, sleep, and exercise. Then we need to harmonize with those close to us. This develops through open and honest communication, removing judgment, letting go of attachment and expectations, opening yourself to the energies of others and flowing with them.
 
 This is what I teach in my workshops and retreats. While some 'technical' knowledge is helpful, when it comes to sex, intimacy, and relationships, it's much more about 'how' you do things rather than 'what' you do.
 
 It's much more about the 'being' than about the 'doing'.
 
 I run Women’s Workshops throughout the year. The Workshops are all about embodying your sexuality, feeling positive and confident about yourself as a woman and expressing that from the inside out. This too is about balance, about being centred and calm and confident and being able to flow with what's in you and what's between you. Knowing your yin and yang elements and being able to work with them to craft an empowered sexuality, a liberated sex life and a fulfilled life as a whole.
 
 This approach manifests in my Couples Retreats too. Again, it's all about coming from a centred place as individuals and coming together as equals, flowing with the complementarity of your yang and yin, masculine and feminine, commanding and receptive energies.
 
 Examine your life. Find the imbalances and make new and better choices so that you can embrace a new equilibrium.
 
 When you can do that, life, and sex, become truly awesome.

I've just spent the most wonderful five days in far north Queensland with a group of young business leaders and their partners. It was the YPO regional conference and the theme was 'Symbiosis: The Art of Living Together’.

I was up there as guest speaker and workshop facilitator, along with a number of leading environmental speakers. They were learning about living together in harmony with the environment, and living together in harmony with each other (that was my bit).

It was so inspiring to be with such a group of positive, motivated, successful people who actually care about life balance and harmony! It gives me hope for the world if these people represent our business leaders.

I was even more impressed when I found out that a major banking sponsor had pulled out when it found out I was speaking. Apparently the bank’s risk management department thought it too risky to be associated with anything to do with sex (how they think new bank customers are created is beyond me…) To the organisers’ credit, rather than ditching me, they ditched the sponsor!

Good thing they did too, because they loved what I had to say. Regular readers will know I have a very positive approach to sex, love and intimacy, one that is life enhancing and aligned with personal and spiritual growth. As we all know, that can be very hard in our predominantly sex-negative society (a la the bank sponsor’s attitude).

So I told them all about the complementarity of the sexes, how to work with the differences between male and female sexuality (keep her ‘water’ energy simmering), how to keep the ‘mmm’ factor alive in their relationships and how to ‘sink in to sync in’ in their approach to love-making. They were beaming - and at least one of the wives came up to me to say they’d had their best sex ever, evening and morning! There were happy faces all around.

Then those who attended my workshops learned practical ways to deepen connection and intimacy. As with all my workshops, the general reaction was: ‘how wonderful to take time out to focus on us!’ and ‘how beautiful and rejuvenating to connect so deeply’.

When I'm part of an experience like that, when I’ve got businessmen responding so positively to what is essentially a spiritual, mindful, Tantric approach to sex and intimacy, combined with their interest and openness to the ecological messages conveyed by other speakers, then I know that there is a definite shift in the world, that we are coming into balance.

30 million copies of 50 Shades of Grey sold and counting.... Leaving commentators bemused: why so popular? It's obviously not high literature, but then again, it's not trying to be, it’s just a good romance.
 
 But 30 million copies…
 
 … there’s got to be something special…

Ignore the standard 'bodice ripper' elements - rich hero, innocent heroine, both stunningly beautiful main characters, exotic locales, etc - and you basically have a love story which has important elements that all couples can relate to.

I see three important, and appealing, themes:

1) Good Sex Requires Ongoing Negotiation

Couples need to negotiate their sexual relationship and be completely honest and open when pushing their boundaries. In the 50 Shades Trilogy, she's pushing her boundaries re BDSM and he's pushing his through allowing intimacy. It's scary for both, they have their freak-outs, but they keep working through with openness, honesty and respect.
 
 Apply this to real life couples and you get the same thing: you must keep talking about sex. Otherwise, you get stuck in a sexual rut, never game to try anything new, assuming (or hoping) that your partner is happy with the status quo.
 
 So whether it’s something as tame as trying sex with the lights on, or as ‘out there’ as considering setting up a dungeon in the spare room, it takes discussion and negotiation - then exploration, experimentation and more discussion and negotiation. 

2) Kinky sex is not 'bad' it's just one type of sexual relating.

Just as we all have different tastes in food, so we all have different tastes in sex. As long as it’s between consenting, adult, living humans, then it’s fine. Some people are very happy with a sweet and simple approach to sex and others like a more adventurous approach (and you can move up and down that spectrum throughout life). 

In the 50 Shades Trilogy, he starts out only having experienced sex as a pretty extreme form of kink, which freaks the bejesus out of her! Fair enough too, she doesn’t want an ‘arrangement’, she wants a relationship. Take away the concept of contracts and impersonal relating and she realises she actually quite likes the play. So, they tone it way back and start exploring…
 
 There's a whole range of kinkiness - from simple hair pulling in the throes of passion, through to setting up a dungeon in the basement. I’ve been talking a lot about kinky sex in the last few blogs, showing how kinky play can be positive and highly enjoyable.
 
 When done with genuine interest (if the thought leaves you cold, then don’t go there) along with mutual consent and respect, then kinky play can add interest and spice to anyone's sex life. 

3) A Strong, Sensual Man is a Sexually Desirable Man

Women respond to a sensual man who is focused on them and openly adores them. The seduction must never stop! 

The male protagonist in 50 Shades is constantly focused on his partner, never wavering in the face of her demands to lift his game and be all he can be. He takes it on board and proves himself worthy of her love - and in so doing she opens herself to him and comes to trust him enough to really explore her sexuality.
 
 Too many couples get complacent with each other and stop making an effort. Men, adore your woman; and women, allow the adoration! Be open to it and respond positively. He’s doing it because he genuinely loves and desires you. Your appreciation and acceptance make him feel so good. He’ll become more confident in his masculinity, allowing you to be more expressive in your femininity. 

I've been doing a lot of media interviews lately where the topic of erotic literature comes up, due to the current success of Fifty Shades of Grey. I'm asked whether it's good for people's sex lives.

Absolutely! I reply.

This is for three reasons:

1. Turn Yourself On

Erotica is sexy, so reading it is a good way to get in the mood for sex. Whether you read it leading up to a delightful session of solo play, or perhaps in the bath before meeting your partner in your boudoir for some partnered love-making, it’s an excellent way to start warming yourself up.

2. Know Your Eroticism

What turns you on is a personal thing, we all like different things and there are no should or shouldn’ts when it comes to what you like (as long as it’s between consenting living adult humans). By reading erotica, especially short stories, you can discover what elements of eroticism do it for you. Some stories you’ll read and think: “Oh yes, I like that!” so you might want to explore that eroticism; others will be: “Oh no, that leaves me cold/turns me off” so you know you’re not interested in exploring that eroticism; and some will be: “Ooh, I’m not sure if I like that or not…” in which case it could be worth exploring, if you’re brave enough!

3. Spice Up Your Sexual Play

Reading erotica aloud to each other is very sexy and can be part of your beforeplay - or turn it into a game where you try to distract the reader, as part of your foreplay…

More importantly, reading erotica alone or together will give you insights into what you and your partner like. Then you can experiment with adding elements to your own sex play. The stories might be more extreme than you necessarily would be comfortable with, so ask yourself how you could add milder elements to your own life. If, for example, you liked the voyeuristic elements of a story about a couple being watched while they have sex, perhaps you could have sex by an open window or on a balcony. If a story about bondage turns you on, you can always play with stockings and scarves from your own cupboard for a less scary experience, or purchase feathered handcuffs or silken rope for a sensual bondage experience. 

You could explore this further by writing some erotica together: you write a paragraph, then your partner writes the next, then you the next, and so on… See what interesting places that takes you to!

There’s plenty of very good erotica around these days. Good book stores have an erotica section. Some adult shops sell erotica - Max Black has a particularly fine range. 

Just on the topic of erotica, I pen a pretty good story myself, and am putting the finishing touches to my next book on Sex Goddesses for the modern woman. It contains about 30 erotic vignettes to illustrate the concepts, and will be the world’s first book in the brand new genre of Educational Erotica. I’m very excited about this!

That’ll be a fourth reason to read erotica!

2012 has long been declared the year of change, some seeing it as the end of the world, and others as the end of our old, limited ways of thinking. I’m sure it’s the latter.
 
 I’ve spent my whole life exploring spirituality and consciousness (of which, you well know, I believe sexuality to be an important component). I used to have to do it almost in secret and was considered odd if anyone knew about it. In my undergraduate science degree, I was scoffed at by the lecturers, yet now I’m constantly reading books by scientists and academics on spirituality and science, and the unfolding knowledge around consciousness is so exciting, really bringing together ancient wisdom with modern scientific knowledge.

I do believe the overall consciousness of humanity has reached a level where enough people are of a sufficiently high level that real and lasting positive change can happen here on Earth. More and more I notice people coming to me, knowing there has to be more to sex, somehow intuiting that sex can be an integral part to a life lived on a higher plane of consciousness. That sex can be creative, that making love mindfully enhances life and makes one grow.
 
 And I am so glad that I am in a position to help everyone realise that for themselves!