One of the absolute keys to good sex is the ability to let go, to surrender to the experience.

I'm going to speak directly to female readers here, because I find that women have more trouble in this area. Yet it’s actually more important that the woman let go for the couple to be able to reach heightened states of arousal and pleasure.

Essentially what women need to do is allow for self-indulgence.

Now there are some ‘precious princesses’ out there who are all about self-indulgence: me, me, me. I'm not talking about them. I’m talking about all those women I see in my clinic and at workshops and in the street and in the school playground, etc, who can’t allow themselves to indulge. Especially sexually.

Sex as letting go, opening up, being real, requires self-indulgence. As a woman it requires you to open to the experience, to allow pleasure, wonder and ecstasy.

Yet so many women hold themselves back from experiencing this pleasure. So many women hold back from allowing themselves the indulgence of engaging and receiving pleasure.

Which is such a shame! Because the more a woman lets herself go in this way,... read more

For generations we raised our girl children to think they’re not sexual, that they shouldn’t be sexual, and if they were sexual - stoning or burning them to death or locking them away in insane asylums. Women didn’t have a chance to explore their sexuality, and neither did their partners.

So, with no alternative, when a man married he basically kept on doing with his wife what he’d been doing with himself for years - masturbating. Since puberty the adolescent boy had been stroking his penis as fast as he could until he ejaculated. So when he got a female partner, not knowing any better, he kept doing that inside her.

Essentially men were masturbating inside their wives.

So the standard approach has three parts:

1.    Find yourself aroused - you have to be horny before you start
2.    Stroke genitals rapidly - it's all about the shagging
3.    Have an orgasm - we all know the 'rule' that sex ends when the man ejaculates - right?
   

I call this the Adolescent Male Masturbatory (AMM) Model of Sex.

It’s what we in the West have done for millennia.

... read more

When your vagina is relaxed and receptive it becomes the most amazingly sensitive organ, capable of experiencing subtle energies and generating beautifully exquisite sensations. Unfortunately, as the standard model of sex is for vigorous thrusting into the vagina, our vaginas tend to become “hardened” to subtlety.

Also, because of the focus on the clitoris, the vagina can get neglected. To the extent that some people feel that the clitoris is the only important sex organ for a woman and that the vagina is simply a vessel for the man’s penis to enjoy. So most of the attention goes on to the clitoris, with strong stimulation there to the point of orgasm, followed by intercourse until he comes. The clitoris is very wonderful, of course! But so is the vagina. I’d like you to reclaim your vagina as the wonderful, sensitive organ that it can be.

To do this, you need to approach intercourse slowly, tenderly and gently. You won’t awaken the subtle ecstasy with vigorous stimulation. So follow this general approach:

• Make sure you are beautifully aroused: be in a lovely environment, take your time with non-genital connection (kissing, touch, hugging, eye gazing, etc.) to become aroused. You are aiming for a soft, warm arousal... read more

Download Audio: The Exquisiteness of a Relaxed Vagina

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To awaken your body to subtlety and exquisite sensation, you need to have heightened sensitivity. This takes strong connection and deep feeling. There’s no way you’d get that level of connection and feeling through being passive.

For women in particular, as I wrote recently in the post on Awakening Your Vagina, so many of us have become so hardened vaginally through intense sexual encounters of a very physical kind, that we can’t feel. That means sex requires more intensity to produce feeling, which over time often means women lose interest in sex because they’re not really feeling it, or it takes so much effort to feel anything it’s not worth it. Well meaning partners might try harder and harder to create interest and response in their lover, but unfortunately they’re doing the opposite to what is required to waken their lover’s body and spirit to true feeling.

Our society’s focus on what is quite an asexual approach to sex doesn’t help, particularly since it’s limited to a very masturbatory approach to sex, being about strong libido, vigorous genital engagement and explosive orgasms. This approach is all about doing rather than feeling, so people try harder to ‘do’ something, rather than simply receiving. This is tiring and disconnecting and doesn’t... read more

Download Audio: Receptive Is Not Passive

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Download Audio: Women Are Not 'Naturally' Monogamous

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Let’s take a look at the widely held myth that women are not naturally promiscuous. 

First, a few biological facts:

• Women are able to have sex at any time
• Women are more sexually responsive than men (more orgasms both in quantity, variety and quality)
• Women can generally last sexually longer than men
• Women tend to get bored and lose interest in sex more easily than men
• Women generally need evidence of positive male interest and attention to want to have sex
• Women tend to have a less physical “urge” for sex, rather a more contextual interest in sex
• Women’s interest in sex sparks up with a new sex/love interest

These do nothing to imply that women are less sexual than men. In fact they imply that women could well be more sexual than men. These facts do not imply that women are naturally monogamous. In fact, they could be interpreted as showing that women need more than one man to be sexually satisfied.

Now, let’s look at some historical facts:

• For the past couple of thousand years or so girls in the west have been raised to think that they’re not sexual and shouldn’t be sexual.
• Girls and women... read more

Download Audio: Is Porn Making Women Less Feminine?

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It seems to me that too much porn is making men less masculine and it’s making women less feminine*.

To have the ecstatic sexual experiences all women are capable of requires a woman to be soft, receptive, yielding. She has to feel safe enough to be completely vulnerable and thereby open herself up utterly.

Is that what we see in porn? Uh … no.

Now don’t get me wrong, when I describe a highly sexual woman in this way, I don’t mean the only sex she likes is incredibly soft. It can also be wild and wanton and absolutely full of abandon.

In fact, when a woman gets to her ultimate sexually, she becomes wild and free and completely unconstrained. That can lead to frenzied, passionate, delirious responses or it can lead to utter stillness with ecstatic sensations infusing the body with delectable pleasure, or anywhere in between. The thing is that it’s a true and real expression of a woman who feels confident enough in herself and in her partner to be able to go there.

Porn can be confusing, because the female actors are often portraying a female response that is very wild, and this... read more