The LoveLife Blog: guidance on mindful, bodyful, soulful loving!

#144: Reluctance is not frigidity, it’s body awareness - she’s not ready!

Jacqueline Hellyer - Thursday, October 29, 2015

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#144: Reluctance is Not Frigidity, It’s Body Intelligence - She’s Not Ready!

Jacqueline Hellyer - Thursday, October 29, 2015

I had a male client complain to me recently that after five years he still couldn’t get his girlfriend to want or enjoy sex. He said he’d tried everything - even anal sex and fisting, and she still wasn’t interested…

Oh boy, I think this guy was confusing sex with a porn shoot.

The poor girlfriend wasn’t frigid, she just wasn’t ready! Fortunately she was trusting her body and saying no, rather than going ahead and traumatizing herself.

I see so many women who have forced themselves to have sex when they weren’t ready (and by the way, if your sexual activity includes anal sex and fisting, she needs to be very very ready). They’ve been subjecting themselves to constant low level sexual trauma, and over time they’ve come to hate sex. 

In some cases, women have subjected themselves to high level trauma. Some of the things women get up to without truly wanting to are extraordinary - if they were getting paid for doing stuff they don’t want to it might make some sense, but they do it for free!

As I’ve explained elsewhere, a woman’s body opens in stages. You can’t go barreling down... read more

#141: ‘Invitation’ not ‘Penetration’

Jacqueline Hellyer - Friday, September 18, 2015

“Batten down the hatches! Prepare for penetration!!”

It’s not exactly how a woman wants to feel when in the throes of sexual pleasure.

For maximum pleasure we need to be accepting and welcoming, not tensing and preparing for combat. Yet the language we use around sex, encourages the latter not the former.

Penetration is such an aggressive term, implying force. So ‘penetrative sex’ sounds as though something has to be broken down to get through. If the focus is going to be on the penis, then we could term it ‘insertion sex’, which is less aggressive than ‘penetration’, or even better ‘entering sex’, which has no aggressive sound to it at all.

But why are we focusing on the masculine genitals anyway? The female genitals are equally important to sex!

What’s important from the female side? Certainly not ‘resistance’, which tends to be the response to ‘penetration’.

How about ‘invitation’? When the vagina is ready, she invites the penis in. On receiving the invitation, the penis accepts with appreciation and chivalrously makes his way in.

There is such a world of difference between a penis penetrating a vagina and a vagina inviting in a penis, even if the physical act... read more

#140: Female Bodies Are Sexual Pleasure Machines

Jacqueline Hellyer - Friday, September 11, 2015

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#140: Female Bodies Are Sexual Pleasure Machines

Jacqueline Hellyer - Friday, September 11, 2015

The human body is a sexual pleasure machine, and the female body even more so than the male.

That may seem surprising if your concept of someone’s “level of sexuality” is determined by their “level of libido”. We’re rather too libido-oriented in this society.

The general belief is that sex is a response to feeling horny. Along with that belief comes the implicit assumption that the hornier you feel, the better sex will be. Since so many women have bought into this model, they believe they should be horny before they start making love. So if they’re not gagging for it they tend to give up and don’t do what it takes to get in the mood - generally thinking that there’s something wrong with them (if they’ve got low self-esteem) or claiming they’re “normal”, declaring that “women don’t like sex” and their partner is “sex-crazed” (if they’re more assertive).

I see this all the time. It’s a shame as it so not true. Once you understand that you cultivate desire, that the lust doesn’t just ‘descend’ from on high, that female desire tends to be contextual - more about how she’s feeling and what’s going on for her than a genital-driven “horniness” - then you’ve got... read more

#138: Awaken Your Vagina for the Kind of Sex All Women (and their Partners) Deserve

Jacqueline Hellyer - Friday, August 28, 2015

Would you like your vagina to be exquisitely sensitive, alive to nuance and sensation and responsive to ecstatic subtleties? Then you need to wake her up!

Unfortunately our focus in this society on the harder side of sex, the “peaks” rather than the “valleys” of sex, means that many women have “hardened" their vaginas. The focus on the “bigger, harder, faster”, rather than the “slower, softer, subtler”, means that many women have lost the ability to sense subtlety and softness through the walls of their vaginas. If your vagina can’t feel, then you either need increasingly more intense stimulation, or you forget about the vagina and focus on the clitoris as your primary sexual organ, or you give up on intercourse altogether because it just doesn’t feel like much. 

When your vagina is awake though, it becomes so sensitive in the most delightful of ways! It becomes highly receptive and attuned to subtle energies and exquisite variations of sensation.

This is very different to the intense thrusting most of us view as good sex (although as I always stress, I’ve got nothing against a good shag, just that it’s only one aspect of good sex!).

To wake your vagina up, you need to spend time being purely receptive. The... read more

#138: Awaken Your Vagina for the Kind of Sex All Women and their Partners Deserve

Jacqueline Hellyer - Friday, August 28, 2015

Download Audio: Bonking on the Right Side of the Brain

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#117: My Book "Seven Sex Goddesses" Released!

Jacqueline Hellyer - Monday, March 30, 2015

Meet the Seven Sex Goddesses and discover how they can help you truly embody your sexuality and express yourself fully as a woman! 

The Goddesses represent fundamental psychic energies that you as a modern woman can draw on to awaken your sexual potential. 

You’ll meet the Lady, the Amazon, the Bawd, the Madonna, the Seductress, the Maestra and the Earth Gypsy - and come to feel the different female sexual expressions they represent. 

By drawing on their energetic expression, you can become more sexually confident and expressive and have more sexual desire and greater sexual response! 

This modern view on the Goddesses of Sex is the result of my pioneering, original research in female sexuality and it’s having major positive impacts on women (and their partners!) in my therapy practice, seminars and retreats.

Each Goddess is accompanied by a fictional, historical erotic story to convey the feeling of these energies in a way that is accessible for you as a modern-day woman.

Then through 24 illustrative erotic stories you'll also follow the experiences of three fictional modern women as they experience the energy of each Goddess in their lives.

I call it educational erotica - written to educate and inspire!

As far as I’m aware, no other book... read more

#117: My New Book "Seven Sex Goddesses" Released!

Jacqueline Hellyer - Monday, March 30, 2015

Download Audio: My New Book "Seven Sex Goddesses" Released!

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#115: Ten Reasons Why Married Women Have Affairs, and What To Do When She Does

Jacqueline Hellyer - Monday, March 02, 2015

A large proportion of the clients I see are dealing with affairs, and the majority of those are married women who have had an affair, are having an affair, are on the brink of succumbing to an affair or are flirting with the idea of having an affair.

So it’s very common.

In my own clinical experience, these are some of the reasons women have affairs. These reasons don’t excuse the affair, and many of the reasons don’t really make sense, but here they are:
Some women have affairs for primarily sexual reasons:
  1. her husband has lost interest in having sex with her;
  2. she’s bored sexually and her husband isn’t adventurous enough;
  3. her husband is a sexual bully and she’s found a man who is tender and loving;
  4. her husband is too soft a lover and she’s found a ‘bad boy’;
  5. she loves her husband but has lost interest in him sexually;
  6. her husband doesn’t make her feel sexy and her lover does.
Some women have affairs for primarily emotional reasons:
  1. she’s stressed and overwhelmed and the affair is a bubble of peace;
  2. her husband is critical and hurtful and her lover is kind and loving;
  3. her life... read more

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