The LoveLife Blog: guidance on mindful, bodyful, soulful loving!
I had a male client complain to me recently that after five years he still couldn’t get his girlfriend to want or enjoy sex. He said he’d tried everything - even anal sex and fisting, and she still wasn’t interested…
Oh boy, I think this guy was confusing sex with a porn shoot.
The poor girlfriend wasn’t frigid, she just wasn’t ready! Fortunately she was trusting her body and saying no, rather than going ahead and traumatizing herself.
In some cases, women have subjected themselves to high level trauma. Some of the things women get up to without truly wanting to are extraordinary - if they were getting paid for doing stuff they don’t want to it might make some sense, but they do it for free!
As I’ve explained elsewhere, a woman’s body opens in stages. You can’t go barreling down... read more
“Batten down the hatches! Prepare for penetration!!”
It’s not exactly how a woman wants to feel when in the throes of sexual pleasure.
For maximum pleasure we need to be accepting and welcoming, not tensing and preparing for combat. Yet the language we use around sex, encourages the latter not the former.
But why are we focusing on the masculine genitals anyway? The female genitals are equally important to sex!
What’s important from the female side? Certainly not ‘resistance’, which tends to be the response to ‘penetration’.
How about ‘invitation’? When the vagina is ready, she invites the penis in. On receiving the invitation, the penis accepts with appreciation and chivalrously makes his way in.
There is such a world of difference between a penis penetrating... read more
The general belief is that sex is a response to feeling horny. Along with that belief comes the implicit assumption that the hornier you feel, the better
sex will be.
Since so many women have bought into this model, they believe they should be horny before they start making love. So if they’re not gagging
for it they tend to give up and don’t do what it takes to get in the mood - generally thinking that there’s something wrong with them (if they’ve got low
self-esteem) or claiming they’re “normal”, declaring that “women don’t like sex” and their partner is “sex-crazed” (if they’re more assertive).
The human body is a sexual pleasure machine, and the female body even more so than the male.
That may seem surprising if your concept of someone’s “level of sexuality” is determined by their “level of libido”. We’re rather too libido-oriented in this society.
I see this all the time. It’s a shame as it so not true. Once you understand that you cultivate desire, that the lust doesn’t just ‘descend’ from on high, that female desire tends to be contextual - more about how she’s feeling and what’s going on for... read more
Would you like your vagina to be exquisitely sensitive, alive to nuance and sensation and responsive to ecstatic subtleties? Then you need to wake her up!
Unfortunately our focus in this society on the harder side of sex, the “peaks” rather than the “valleys” of sex, means that many women have “hardened" their vaginas. The focus on the “bigger, harder, faster”, rather than the “slower, softer, subtler”, means that many women have lost the ability to sense subtlety and softness through the walls of their vaginas. If your vagina can’t feel, then you either need increasingly more intense stimulation, or you forget about the vagina and focus on the clitoris as your primary sexual organ, or you give up on intercourse altogether because it just doesn’t feel like much. When your vagina is awake though, it becomes so sensitive in the most delightful of ways! It becomes highly receptive and attuned to subtle energies and exquisite variations of sensation.
This is very different to the intense thrusting most of us view as good sex (although as I always stress, I’ve got nothing against a good shag, just that it’s only one aspect of good sex!).
To wake your vagina up, you need to spend time being purely receptive. The... read more
Meet the Seven Sex Goddesses and discover how they can help you truly embody your sexuality and express yourself fully as a woman!
The Goddesses represent fundamental psychic energies that you as a modern woman can draw on to awaken your sexual potential.
You’ll meet the Lady, the Amazon, the Bawd, the Madonna, the Seductress, the Maestra and the Earth Gypsy - and come to feel the different female sexual expressions they represent.
By drawing on their energetic expression, you can become more sexually confident and expressive and have more sexual desire and greater sexual response!
This modern view on the Goddesses of Sex is the result of my pioneering, original research in female sexuality and it’s having major positive impacts on women (and their partners!) in my therapy practice, seminars and retreats.
Each Goddess is accompanied by a fictional, historical erotic story to convey the feeling of these energies in a way that is accessible for you as a modern-day woman.
Then through 24 illustrative erotic stories you'll also follow the experiences of three fictional modern women as they experience the energy of each Goddess in their lives.
I call it educational erotica - written to educate and inspire!
As far as I’m aware, no other book... read more
So it’s very common.
A large proportion of the clients I see are dealing with affairs, and the majority of those are married women who have had an affair, are having an affair, are on the brink of succumbing to an affair or are flirting with the idea of having an affair.
In my own clinical experience, these are some of the reasons women have affairs. These reasons don’t excuse the affair, and many of the reasons don’t really make sense, but here they are:
Some women have affairs for primarily sexual reasons:
- her husband has lost interest in having sex with her;
- she’s bored sexually and her husband isn’t adventurous enough;
- her husband is a sexual bully and she’s found a man who is tender and loving;
- her husband is too soft a lover and she’s found a ‘bad boy’;
- she loves her husband but has lost interest in him sexually;
- her husband doesn’t make her feel sexy and her lover does.
- she’s stressed and overwhelmed and the affair is a bubble of peace;
- her husband is critical and hurtful and her lover is kind and loving;
- her life... read more
- #314: A Lingering Sense of Each Other
- #313: How Do You Know When You're Having Good Sex?
- #312: Conflict is Inevitable So Learn to Prevent, Manage and Repair
- #311: The Bridgerton Effect
- #310: Cuddle plus – an essential phase of the affection-sex continuum
- #309: Moment-by-Moment Consent
- #308: How To Give (and Receive) An Erotic Spanking
- #307: Three Types of Sexual Communication: Chit-chat, In the Moment & The Debrief
- #306: What I Desire
- #305: Lazy Sex
- #304: It's Not "Needy" to Connect, It's Human
- #303: The Art of the Thrust
- #302: Transformational Erotica
- #301: Sex as Embodied Mindfulness Practice
- #300: So Many Ways to Eat, So Many Ways to…
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