Download Audio: Bake Your Cake Before You Ice It - the foundation of great sexread more
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Download Audio: Q&A: How Do I Meet My Sexual Needs in a Sexless Marriageread more
I’m sitting in bed writing this, having just had breakfast in bed brought to me by my wonderful lover. It was just a cup of tea and toast, nothing flash, but what a difference it’s making to my day! It’s a small thing, but it’s a significant thing.
It’s the sum of these small things that set the quality of your relationship. Equally, it’s the sum of small neglects that stultify a relationship, flat-lining it. When a relationship flat-lines, there’s generally not a lot of sexual desire.
A couple I’ve been working with for a while announced at a recent retreat that... read more
I’m going to talk about solo sex.
That’s right, masturbation, wanking, self-pleasuring, or as they refer to it in the ancient Taoist sexual tracts, self-cultivation. Why is this? Because the ability to self-pleasure is an important aspect of sexual empowerment and sexual development.
Unfortunately, it has had a bad rap over recent centuries. It has been seen as something unpleasant, even sinful, and so done furtively and secretly. I mean, when was the last time you had in-depth conversations with your friends on your favorite masturbatory techniques? Or as an adolescent did your parents encourage you to self-pleasure to explore your budding sexuality? I doubt it. Which is a shame, because it would have made a positive difference to your experience of sex.
When I say 'when it's done well' I mean when it's done... read more
What is your bedroom like? Is it a relaxing and rejuvenating place separate from the cares of the world?
When you walk into your bedroom, do you go “Aaahh!” and smile because you feel more restful just being there?
Is your bedroom a sanctuary that you can chill out together in?
If it’s not, then it’s redecoration time! Think about colors and textures, music and lighting. Ban all technology except for your music player. Remove family photos other than happy romantic photos of the two of you. And keep it tidy.
Now it will feel like a sanctuary. You’ll be able to walk across the threshold of your bedroom and leave the cares of the world behind, entering into a peaceful place where you can wind down and chill out together.
Yes, chill out together.
I find that too many people only use their bedroom for sleep and sex, so they don’t go to the bedroom unless they’re planning one... read more
I see a lot of couples who like sex, but somehow they're just not getting around to it.
The higher-desire person is perplexed as to why the lower-desire person doesn’t want sex more often, especially when both parties clearly enjoy it once they actually get around to doing it. And the lower-desire person is confused as to why they find it so hard to have sex when it’s generally not so bad, even brilliant, when they actually do get around to doing it.
And sometimes it's not that there's a higher and lower desire person, they'd both like the idea of it, but it's not happening...
I point out to them that having sex can often be like getting to the gym – you know it’s good for you, you know you’ll enjoy it while you’re there, you know you’ll feel better for doing it, but … it’s still hard to get there in the first place!
There are two principle reasons why it can be a struggle to get to the gym, or to have sex, even though you want to:
- Too many competing priorities.
Desire is a wonderful thing. Intensity is not.
When you desire without intensity, when you open yourself to your partner and invite them in, that is enticing. That will attract them.
But, some people have a more direct approach, and that might not always be appealing to the partner. Some people come on too strong right from the first approach, and others try harder and harder if they feel they’re not getting the response they want.
If your partner isn’t responding as enthusiastically as you might hope for when you express your desire for them, it’s understandable that you might try harder. Unfortunately, that tends to come across as intensity and often causes your partner to back further away and be less forthcoming. So, you try harder and harder… until you give up. Then you back off completely and offer your partner nothing. It’s kind of like: “If you’re not going to play with me, then I don’t want to play with you!” Which is about as mature as the childish tone implies.
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- #312: Conflict is Inevitable So Learn to Prevent, Manage and Repair
- #311: The Bridgerton Effect
- #310: Cuddle plus – an essential phase of the affection-sex continuum
- #309: Moment-by-Moment Consent
- #308: How To Give (and Receive) An Erotic Spanking
- #307: Three Types of Sexual Communication: Chit-chat, In the Moment & The Debrief
- #306: What I Desire
- #305: Lazy Sex
- #304: It's Not "Needy" to Connect, It's Human
- #303: The Art of the Thrust
- #302: Transformational Erotica
- #301: Sex as Embodied Mindfulness Practice
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