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The LoveLife Blog: guidance on mindful, bodyful, soulful loving!
Absence makes the heart grow fonder. It’s true. Think about how much more attractive your partner is when they’ve been away for a while. Maybe they’ve been to the gym and they come back alert and refreshed and with a healthy glow about them; or maybe they’ve been out catching up with friends and have come back glowing and full of tales to tell; maybe they’re studying at night school and come home elated and wanting to share their new knowledge.
When your partner has been apart from you, doing interesting things, they come back fresher, more vibrant and with a desirable energy. You can look at them and think to yourself: “Mmm, I like you”
So many women in particular tell me they wish their husband would get a life of his own, rather than depending on her for stimulation and entertainment, which is tiring and unarousing. If he gave her some space and went and did something that he enjoyed for his own sake, then she would find him appealing.
How much time apart you need will depend on you as individuals and as a... read more
For people in long-term relationships, chilling out together is generally a prerequisite for good sex.
I always recommend that couples find some time, preferably every day, where you can just hang out and chill together. It only needs to be 15 minutes over a cup of tea or glass of wine when the kids have gone to bed, or similar. You can give each other a foot massage - anything conducive to time to chat in an easy, relaxed way.
When you’re in a good space like this it's also easier to raise the issue of whether you might move into some love-making that evening or not; and if you are open to the idea, what one or both of you might need to get there.
Clients have told me that this one small change to their relating – deciding that sex is no less sexy because it’s a little bit planned - has had a huge impact on their sense of connectedness and therefore on their sex lives.
If you want a good night out, do you tend to plan it in advance or decide on the spur of the moment? If you’re playing sport, do you have your trainings and matches planned in advance, or do you just play whenever the whim takes you (and hope that everyone else involved is interested and available too)?
I imagine you’d say in both cases that you plan in advance, that you schedule those enjoyable activities.
So why not schedule sex?
So for example:
- If you know you like a lazy, sensual Sunday morning lie-in, then keep Sunday mornings free.
- If Wednesday is the only day of the week when no-one in the family has evening activities so the kids can go to bed on time and you can have an ‘early night’, then make Wednesday your nooky night.
- If you both have jobs where you’ve got flexibility of time, consider starting late or working from home on a Tuesday and spend some time in the bedroom.
- If you go to the gym together after work on a Thursday and tend to... read more
You might be in the mood…
…but by the time you’ve put the dishwasher on, put out the rubbish, checked on the kids, locked the house, brushed your teeth, got changed and hopped into bed… well, somehow the urge has disappeared.
How do you stay in the mood as you lead-up to sex?
Make the lead-up erotic!
Either of those approaches will keep the desire bubbling away as you finish the mundane matters of the day, with the anticipation of some delicious pleasures to come.
Then there’s the teeth brushing, the face-washing and the undressing and all that end-of-day body maintenance that needs doing.
Well, if you’re showering, I’m sure you don’t need me to tell you how to make that erotic - just jump in together! Or one of you watches while the... read more
Breathing together is one of the best ways to sync in and get in the mood for some loving. Here are five breathing activities to do:For all these activities, you sit opposite each other and I suggest you play some cool music and do the activity for one song (two if it requires you to take it in turns).
As one breathes in the other breathes out. You feel the breath travel across from one to the other. If you’re having trouble noticing the breath you can place your hands on each other’s chest.
Sound the Breath
As one breathes out, the other makes a sound. It could be a simple ‘aaahhh’ sound, or something more song-like. Do this for one song, then swap roles.
Name the Breath
As you breathe out, say the name of your partner. You can take it in turns to do this, with one breathing and saying the name of their partner for, say, five breaths and then the other doing it for five breaths. Another version is when you both do alternate breathing while saying your partner’s name on the out breath. This way you alternating saying the partner’s name while you are alternating the breathing.
As you... read more
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