The LoveLife Blog: guidance on mindful, bodyful, soulful loving!

#61: There Is Always A Lower Desire Partner

Jacqueline Hellyer - Monday, September 17, 2012

What level of desire do each of you have to:

  • Cook
  • Visit the in-laws
  • Learn a foreign language for an overseas trip
  • Go running in the morning
  • Help the kids with their homework
  • Plant a vegetable garden
  • Renovate the bathroom
  • Have sex?
Were you equal on any of those? Probably not. Chances are there’s a higher and lower desire partner for each one; just as you’ve probably got different levels of desire for sex.

There’s always a lower desire partner, and always a higher desire partner. Every couple has to come to terms with that basic difference and work with it.

I’ve had three major relationships in my life (well, four actually, but the first was as a teenager so we never found out if there was a higher or lower desire partner - we just grabbed the chance whenever we could!).

In the first I was the higher desire partner; in the second, we were pretty equal, with periods of variation, such as when our three children were babies where some modification and negotiation was required to see us through; and in my current relationship I am definitely the lower desire partner.

I sometimes stamp my feet (light-heartedly)... read more

#56: Pelvic Floor Pleasures - Advanced

Jacqueline Hellyer - Monday, July 09, 2012

Once you've been practicing the basic exercises for a while, you should feel a change in your pelvis, feeling more present and connected to your genital region. This is a good thing.

Give your pelvic floor a squeeze now, notice how it connects you to your pelvic area. Breath into your belly and do some more squeezes, nice and relaxed.

Let’s look at some advanced pleasures;

Connect with your Pelvis
  The first advanced pleasure is simply that - to connect with your pelvis. So many people are disconnected from their pelvises. Increasing the connection will help men last longer and men and women to have better orgasms.

Recharge Yourself
 You can also use your pelvic floor to draw energy up your body, to recharge yourself. Visualise an energy centre in your pelvis. It could be a flame, a cloud of electricity, a pulsing gem, whatever comes to mind. Then as you squeeze and relax, keeping your breath low and calm, imagine that with the squeezes you are drawing energy up your body, either up your spine or up your middle.

Please note that if you’re doing a lot of energy raising in this way, it’s important that you also lower and centre the energy at the end of... read more

#55: Pelvic Floor Pleasures - The Basics

Jacqueline Hellyer - Monday, June 25, 2012

Can you use your pelvic floor to draw up energy and recharge yourself?
Can you have sustained orgasms?
Men, can you use your muscles to help you last longer? 
If not, can I suggest you strengthen your pelvic floor muscles?

What are The Pelvic Floor Muscles?

The pelvic floor is a band of muscle that goes from the pubic bone at the front to the tailbone at the back and to the bones of the upper thighs on either side. It’s a girdle of muscle that holds all the pelvic organs in place, with just a few holes for the various tubes to come through.

Benefits of Toned Muscles

Like any muscle, if it’s toned it’s stronger and more effective than if it’s not toned.

Since having toned pelvic floor muscles means:
  • Heightened awareness of and connection to your pelvic region and genitals
  • Better sexual response in terms of awareness of sensations
  • More pleasure for your partner (she can massage him, he can last longer)
  • Better orgasms with greater sensation and longer length
  • Continued good sex as you get older
  • Her vagina won’t fall... read more

#47: One Couple's "Kilimanjaro Walk" to Sexual Reconnection

Jacqueline Hellyer - Tuesday, February 28, 2012

I was in session with a wonderful couple recently. Like so many of my clients they really love each other, want to stay together, but the sex has waned to the point of non-existence.

With couples in this situation, there’s normally a lot of ‘undoing’ to be done before they can move forward sexually. They have to overcome the years of complacency and misunderstandings, unvoiced expectations, swallowed hurts, even to be able to come to a place of commonality from where they can stand firm together, hand in hand, looking in the same direction. Then the intimacy, eroticism and true desire can begin!

But it’s not easy. In fact, it’s hard slog. The path of reconnecting is not for the faint-hearted. You have to be vulnerable, you have to hear what you don’t want to hear, you have to bare your soul. You will feel you’re making progress, and then it will appear to crash in a heap and you have to pick yourself up and keep going.

The couple I mentioned were experiencing that, and were keeping on keeping on. They were feeling a bit despondent about it, until I explained it was a normal part of the process. Then the husband’s... read more

#27: True Intimacy

Jacqueline Hellyer - Tuesday, February 08, 2011

Self-help books, women’s magazines and traditional therapists extol the virtues of intimacy as the way to improve your relationship and therefore have better sex. 

The two key aspects to this intimacy are:

1) To become more connected by spending more time together, and

2) To communicate (by speaking) every little thing about yourself, and conversely listening wondrously in rapt attention agreeing in perfect accord with every utterance.

Which would imply most of us haven’t got a snowflake’s chance in hell of having a decent sex life…

Fear not. You can breathe a sigh of relief because this means that in fact you will avoid that stifling arrangement of co-dependent “intimacy” we too often think is the prerequisite for “happily ever after”.

Now certainly intimacy does require connection and communication; but it’s the “how”, the “what” and the “how much” that matters.

Let’s look at the two fundamental aspects of intimacy - connection and communication - debunk a few myths and look at what really matters.

Connection: Supposedly we need to have lots of quality time together to feel intimate. But in fact you don’t have... read more

#20: Obligation Sex is Self-Imposed Low-Level Sexual Trauma

Jacqueline Hellyer - Tuesday, October 19, 2010

There is a school of thought that says women should ‘just do it’. The implication being that sex really isn’t that important, it’s easy to lie there and get it over with - I guess the idea is that you can just plan the shopping list or something while he gets his necessary sexual release (as if he doesn’t have two hands available).

I find that approach abhorrent on so many levels. Most obviously, men don’t actually want obligation sex. Radical concept to some perhaps, but men actually want their partners to enjoy sex too. (Hmm, maybe men aren’t just animalist creatures wanting to get their end in?)

Less obviously, but more importantly: sex is not just sex. The vagina is exquisitely linked to a woman’s brain, her self-worth, her creativity, her joie de vivre. For her to feel good about herself and about life she needs to treat her vagina well.

A vagina that engages in gorgeous, desirable, satisfying love-making will make her owner feel wonderful. A vagina that engages in unwanted, unprepared sex (slapping on some lube is not preparation) will not make her owner feel good. The vagina is being subjected to low-level trauma and so the woman is... read more

#4: Love in the Time of Chaos

Jacqueline Hellyer - Thursday, February 25, 2010

Download Audio: Love in the Time of Chaos

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