The LoveLife Blog: guidance on mindful, bodyful, soulful loving!

#259: Expanding Your Sexual Play Pt 2: How

Jacqueline Hellyer - Sunday, June 23, 2019

There are two fundamental parts to expanding your sexual play:

  • it’s got to be REAL, that is, it has to be what you truly want, and
  • it’s got to be CONSENSUAL, you both have to want it.
Too many people do what they think they ‘should’ do even though they don’t really want to; or they don’t do what they think they ‘shouldn’t’ do even though they do want to.

I say, as long as it’s between adults who both (or all) agree to it, then it’s fine.

There is a separate issue of when sex or particular aspects of sex become compulsive and interfere with life, that’s not good. If you’re confused, the barometer is: is this life-enhancing, does this make me feel good and empowered and add to the quality of my life (and the same for your partner)? If the answer is yes, then go for it.

Now, as we’ve seen in my last article, there is a veritable smorgasbord of sexual delights out there. You don’t have to try them all. You don’t even have to try any of them if celibacy is your thing. It’s like food, we’ve all got our own tastes. Personally, I... read more

#258: Expanding Your Sexual Play Part 1: What

Jacqueline Hellyer - Sunday, June 09, 2019

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#258: Expanding Your Sexual Play Pt 1: What

Jacqueline Hellyer - Sunday, June 09, 2019

There’s a veritable smorgasbord of sexual possibilities, so why limit yourself to meat and three vegetables (with vanilla ice-cream as a special treat!)? Well, if that's all you want, that's absolutely fine. There are no ‘shoulds’ in sex, the important thing is to find out what is real for you and honour that. So if you really like chops and potatoes, that’s fine. But if you’re curious about sushi or ravioli, then give it a go! And if you like it, then make it a regular part of your life.

Now, some people are firmly in the meat and three veg camp, and others have already have a good look at the whole menu and sampled widely. I’m talking to all of you in-between. Some of you might not even know what’s on the menu! Or where to find a menu! So this is particularly for you.

In this article I’m going to look at what’s on the menu. In the next one we’ll be looking at how you and your partner decide what you’d like - unlike food, with sexual play you both need to be trying the same thing, so you need to agree about what you're tasting...

When you read... read more

#250: Sexy Debriefing

Jacqueline Hellyer - Saturday, February 09, 2019

No, I’m not talking about getting your knickers off!

I’m talking about talking about your sex. That in itself can be sexy and extend the deliciousness of the sexual interaction. It’s also the only way you’re going to give each other quality feedback.

Now, if you have the kind of sex where you do it late at night when you’re both exhausted and he rolls off after his ejaculation and falls asleep immediately, then you’re not going to be able to debrief straight after. However, the more you move away from that three-course-meal approach to sex and more to a picnic approach the easier it will be to communicate during the love-making session, and be in a good space afterwards so that you can keep talking. In fact, you can’t do the picnic approach to sex without talking about it, it would be as limiting as a picnic without conversation (keeping in mind that of course there are times at both a picnic and sex where there’s no need to talk at all…)

When I say ‘debrief’, I don’t mean something heavy. Make it light and fun: What went well? What did you do differently? What could have been done a little differently? You... read more

#203: How to Have 'Dirty' Sex With Someone You Love

Jacqueline Hellyer - Sunday, July 30, 2017

This is an interesting one. I find a lot of people aren’t having anywhere near the kind of sex that would really turn them on, because they don’t feel they can have ‘that’ kind of sex, whatever ‘that kind of sex’ is, with their partner.

I’ve written elsewhere about pushing boundaries and how to expand your sexual play, so this is more about the step before - how to even consider having ‘dirty’ sex with your beloved.

What I mean by ‘dirty’ is whatever you want it to mean, whatever lies beyond your comfort zone of ‘acceptable’, whatever is wild, wicked, naughty, or add the adjective of your choice…

I find there are two things that can get in the way:

The Madonna-Whore Syndrome
A lot of it stems from the deeply rooted belief in our society that sex is ‘bad’. For so long sex was a necessary evil required for procreation, and could only be enacted under very limited strict guidelines - restrained, minimal, unemotional - otherwise it would be terribly sinful. Of course suppression leads to rebellious enactment, so people, or at least men, did have wild sex - but not with their wives, only with the ‘bad... read more

#193: How to Push Your Sexual Boundaries

Jacqueline Hellyer - Saturday, March 18, 2017

Let’s talk about that most erotic of organs – our brain.

I had a client come to me stating that he was “the Mr Bean of sex”, clueless. Some sessions later he summed up his learnings with “now I get that I have to be a whole lot more creative…”

Yep, if you rely on hormones and pheromones to run your sex life, you’ll have a very brief flourish of passion at the start and then it will all die away. That’s fine if all you want sex for is to reproduce; biologically speaking that initial frenzy of hormone-driven passion will ensure the continuation of the species. However, over the millenia it has been shown that human babies need a lot of attention to grow to successful adults who have babies of their own, so if their parents can stay bonded then their survival rate goes up. So thankfully our large brains mean that not only do we have the ability to cooperate in the raising of our children, we can also create the great sex that will make that cooperation so much easier.

That should be pretty straight-forward, but our overly clever brains are just as good at talking us out of taking a... read more

#193: Pushing Boundaries

Jacqueline Hellyer - Saturday, March 11, 2017

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#186: Playing with the Yin and Yang of Sex

Jacqueline Hellyer - Saturday, January 14, 2017


This is a practical activity to explore the polarities of giving and receiving, leading and following, from a place of equality.

Leading is Yang and giving is Yang. Following is Yin and receiving is Yin. When we combine these types of Yin and Yang we get four types of sexual expression: command, seduction, nurture/service and yielding.

Command is double yang as it is both leading and giving.
Yielding is double yin as it is both following and receiving.
Seduction is yin-yang as it is leading and receiving.
Nurture/Service is yin-yang as it is following and giving.





These four expressions have two polarities:
  • The Seduction-Service polarity
  • The Command-Yielding polarity

Exploring the Seduction-Service Polarity

Stand facing each other. The Seducer feels into the sense of... read more

#173: Giving Good Head Does Not Mean Simulating A Vacuum Cleaner

Jacqueline Hellyer - Saturday, September 03, 2016

Yes, I know on the porn clips the women giving men oral sex appear to be applying an extraordinary amount of suction and vigorous attention to the penis, and the man appears to be enjoying it. But you know what - they’re actors. You don’t know if they’re actually enjoying it. That’s not what porn is, porn is designed to be visually stimulating, it’s supposed to be what looks arousing, not what actually is arousing. Never assume that what you see on porn feels good.

And yes, I know when a man masturbates he tends to stroke his shaft vigorously.

But your mouth is not a hand. Your mouth is completely different to a hand, not only in the way it holds a penis, but in the mechanism of how it moves. Your hand is attached to a very flexible wrist, which is attached to a very strong and mobile arm. Your mouth is part of your head, attached to a delicate and not very maneuverable neck.

It is not possible to use your mouth like a hand without doing severe damage to your neck. Let the porn stars get regular physio for their oral antics, it’s probably tax deductable anyway. It’s not for you.

So,... read more

#160: Erotic Wickedness - how to play with power exchange

Jacqueline Hellyer - Tuesday, August 16, 2016

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