Download Audio: You Can Make Love With Just A Kiss

So many people who come to me are wanting more from their sexuality, but are at a loss as to what that ‘more’ might be.

These people might already have done their own research or seen other professional helpers. They've made sure their genitals are functioning, have given themselves permission to try different sexual activities, learned the importance of consent – and yes, these are all important parts of a healthy sex life – yet something is still missing…

The answer to the ‘more’ in sex is not a doing more, it’s a being more.

It is about moving away from sex as an ‘act’ or a ‘performance’ and engaging with another with openness and transparency. Rather than ‘doing’ each other or ‘getting each other off’, it’s about both surrendering to the experience. When two people engage in this way you are allowing yourself to explore, express and be known at the deepest levels of your being.

• mindful, in that your mind is not distracted but is fully present;
  
• bodyful, in that you are completely embodied, experiencing fully through the whole of your physicality; and it becomes
  
• soulful, in that you discover... read more

Download Audio: Finding the 'More' - the Spiritual Dimensions of Sex

Over my years of clinical and academic involvement in sexuality (not to mention countless hours of personal ‘research’) I have identified seven underlying elements to our sexuality.

These elements are all essential to having a strong, healthy, integrated sexuality. If you are weak in any of them, your sexuality will be out of balance.

These elements are also developmental, each element includes and transcends the ones before. If you jump ahead before you’ve developed and integrated the earlier elements, that too will cause your sexuality to be out of balance.

One: Self-awareness

It all starts with you - having a positive sense of self, centred, confident, balanced in your yin and yang elements. (Of course, we are never ‘perfect’, but without a reasonable level of self-awareness and balance it is not possible to be able to engage with a partner in a healthy manner.)

I call this your ‘Lady’and ‘Gentleman’ sides, someone who is confident, centred and self-aware.

Two: Discernment

Once you've got the hang of yourself, you need take that forward and 'meet' your partner - with equality, assessing for worthiness, identifying boundaries, co-creating safety so you can then explore... read more

Download Audio: How to Avoid Spiritual Bypassing in Sex and Relationships

Sex within intimate relationships can be an extraordinary place to grow spiritually, to deepen in love, expand conscious awareness, to feel more peace, bliss, ease. But it’s also very easy to fall into what’s called spiritual bypassing, thinking that you’re becoming more spiritual but actually doing some or all of the following:

• exaggerated detachment,
• emotional numbing and repression,
• overemphasis on the positive,
• anger-phobia,
• blind or overly tolerant compassion,
• weak or too porous boundaries,
• lopsided development (cognitive intelligence often being far ahead of emotional and moral intelligence),
• debilitating judgement about one’s negative or shadow side,
• devaluation of the personal relative to the spiritual, and
• delusions of having arrived at a higher level of being. *
  

Which means you’re bypassing doing the psychological work you need to do to actually be able to develop spiritually.

I see a lot of this in my work, here are the most common examples:

• Spiritual narcissists, where one partner considers themselves spiritually ‘superior’ to the other. This may be because they have studied or engaged in spiritual practices more than their... read more

Download Audio: The Three Phases of Conscious Relationship Evolution

Download Audio: Tantra: Sex Through Non-Sex

 

In the Tantric yogic traditions they talk about ‘actionless action’ or inaction through action. This is part of the karma-yoga tradition, developing spiritually through right action. Rather than renouncing the world and avoiding actions, karma yoga is about engaging in the world - cultivating wordly life and spiritual life simultaneously.

In the Taoist tradition there is the concept of wu-wei ‘action through non-action’ or action without intent, which leads to a life of harmony, aligned with the Way or the Tao.

As it says in the Tao te Ching (Daode Jing) "When action is pure and selfless, everything settles into its own perfect place," and “The highest virtue is to act without a sense of self”.

So what’s this got to do with sex? How can we modern people have sex through non-sex and thereby achieve harmonious living and spiritual growth?

Firstly - sex without attachment. This means you enter the sexual or intimate activity without being needy, without an expectation of outcome,... read more

Download Audio: Sink In to Sync In