Breathing (like sex) is one of things we do in life that is considered ‘natural’ and so we believe it should function automatically without any attention or conscious effort on our part.
However, without this attention, breathing (like sex) generally worsens over time, becoming less effective and therefore less supportive to your health and wellbeing.
When we are little babies, we naturally breathe deep into our torsos, down into our bellies. When a baby is lying on its back you can see it’s little tummy going up and down as it breathes in and out. As we get older though, our breathing tends to get shallower and shallower. With some people their breathing gets so shallow that they are barely breathing lower than their shoulders, barely using their lungs at all. For the great majority of people the breath doesn’t get much lower than that, just the upper chest is used to breathe.
Take a moment to observe how deeply into your torso you breathe. Is it the upper chest, the full diaphragm? Or is your breath going deep into your belly, so you can see your abdomen rising with the in breath and falling with the out breath?
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I ran a Tantra workshop last night, here on a permaculture farm in northern Thailand.
It was magical. The fact that the lights blew just as we started and we had to rely on candles added to the magic.
Twenty of us sat in a circle, alternating men and women, in the open-aired pergola which is the hub of the farm. The night was still and the candles cast a soft flickering light around the group.
We then moved into breath work. This is the basis of all energetic and spiritual work, sexual or otherwise. Bringing your breath deeper into your torso, so you’re breathing with your belly, is fundamental to linking your entire body and being able to circulate energy freely.
Then we worked our pelvic floor muscles. This girdle of muscle in our pelvis needs to be toned to keep us strong physically and to be able to move energy.
From there we practiced moving energy, circulating it around our bodies, following the Microcosmic Circuit. Using... read more
I’m going to share a little about myself here, to give you some insight into why and how I work the way I do.
A number of years ago I realised that my experience of sex was very different to most people’s. Extended sessions of love-making, multiple (or should I say endless) orgasms, ecstatic states of altered consciousness were the norm, even with small children and babies, years into a relationship.
At first I thought it was something special about my husband and I, but after our marriage ended I discovered that, nope, it was me. I went through what I call my ‘research’ period, investigating sex with a range of different partners and the response was pretty similar: “Wow, that was different”, “You really like sex don’t you”, “You need to teach this to people!”
So I set out to find out why I was different. That led me to find out more about Tantra, and I realised that although I’d never studied it formally, my years of martial arts experience, decades of yoga, meditation and mindfulness had led me to experience sex, and probably life, in a very pure, present and energetic way. Which is when I realised my true calling – to tune modern people back into the real nature and... read more
Ideally in the sexual act, the man will use his fire energy to heat up the woman’s water energy. She’ll reach heights of arousal and ecstasy that will
make him feel absolutely fantastic because he’s the one who got her there. He’ll probably have an orgasm too, but his satisfaction is ultimately in the
pleasure he’s given her. The release of all her sexual energy satisfies and nourishes him completely. In this way the sexual circuit is complete and sex
is a wonderfully fulfilling, healing, liberating and bonding experience for both of them.
The masculine sexual energy is like fire: it comes on quickly, burns brightly and extinguishes quickly.
The feminine sexual energy is like water: it’s slow to heat up, but once it’s boiling it will boil and boil and boil and boil…
So if we divide sex into two phases, desire and response, then the masculine has more energy in the desire phase and the feminine has more energy in the response phase.
This is why men generally tend to have a stronger libido, and why women have a greater range and intensity of arousal and orgasmic response.
We do have both masculine and feminine energies within us and a well-rounded person will have a reasonably good balance within them. There are also... read more
So there has been a complete imbalance in society with a weak feminine principle and dominant masculine one. With the social changes that our society has
undergone over the past few decades, many people are changing their attitudes and approaches to living. Nowadays many women have rejected the weak feminine
and have instead adopted masculine traits without honouring and expressing their innate feminine power. And many men these days have also rejected the
dominant and negative masculine, but are unfortunately instead are embracing an overly soft and, let’s face it, fairly insipid, Sensitive New Age Wimp
We undervalue the feminine principle in our society and I believe we get the masculine principle just as wrong.
Since we’ve had a few thousand years of not valuing the feminine, in place we’ve had an unnatural, overly arrogant masculine - a masculine principle that is more defined by the ability to dominate and control than one that is defined by true strength and openness.
So many people are confused by how they “should” be, and I believe this is because we have polarised the masculine and feminine so strongly. No woman wants to be a pathetic doormat, but is the only alternative to be... read more
Everyone has masculine and feminine in them. I prefer to use the terms Yin and Yang, as we have so much unhelpful meaning attached to the terms masculine and feminine. Well-developed people have a pretty good balance of both within themselves, they have both strength and softness, can protect and nurture. If we reject one, thinking the other is somehow better, we reject a major aspect of ourselves. When we reject our feminine side we become dominant and controlling, and when we reject our masculine side we become weak and dependent.
How can women embody this balance? How can we be empowered women, embracing our yin and our yang, our masculine and our feminine? A concept I share, which a lot of women have said has been very helpful to them, is to think of having our yin softness on the outside and yang strength on the inside. So you can trust your inner strength to allow the outer softness, your strength emanates out through softness. This is is so different to the way women had to be under the patriarchal systems that ruled for millenia, where women couldn't show their strength, and it's also different from what a lot of modern women do,... read more
A male client sent me a lovely email thanking me for teaching him a specific energy circulating technique. This is what he wrote:
Just want to really thank you again for the techniques you taught me… I've also been working on that circular technique you discussed with me and had my first real full success with it the other evening. I could actually feel the sensation go from the base of the penis, through the perineum, right up my back and into my head where I let it float around for a while and then down over my face (a sensation almost like fingertips gently touching my face) and then (when I decided) feeling it float down over my chest, through my belly and then ultimately back into my groin and penis. I managed to get that circular motion to repeat a few times and ultimately the resulting orgasm was absolutely sensational and left me with such a sense of whole body well-being, it was just magic. I enjoyed it so much I can't wait for my next chance :)
The exercise he’s talking about is called the Microcosmic Circuit and comes from the Taoist Sexual... read more
Believe it or not, I’m sitting at an outdoor bar, mocktail at hand, overlooking a beach fringed with palm trees in Vietnam. It’s pretty special. Last week I attended a Spiritual Retreat here. While it wasn’t specifically sexual in nature, you can’t separate sex and spirituality.
A key element of spiritual work, and of the Retreat, is raising your energy. You do this through meditation and mindfulness. But it’s not what we often consider meditation, which is a slowing of energy, a deep relaxation. That’s wonderful and good, but it’s different to raising the energy. When you go into meditation with the intent to raise your energy, you go places. You feel lighter, spin faster. You get messages and have visions. It is an altered consciousness.
This is why conscious sex is so good for spiritual development, because sex raises your energy. Even if you have the most basic, unconnected sex, sparks of light will still fly. So if you approach sex with presence, intent and release of self, you really do get taken to extraordinary places of exceptional ecstatic pleasure.
In these realms the genitals barely matter, they’re just a means to feel with the whole of your... read more
- #314: A Lingering Sense of Each Other
- #313: How Do You Know When You're Having Good Sex?
- #312: Conflict is Inevitable So Learn to Prevent, Manage and Repair
- #311: The Bridgerton Effect
- #310: Cuddle plus – an essential phase of the affection-sex continuum
- #309: Moment-by-Moment Consent
- #308: How To Give (and Receive) An Erotic Spanking
- #307: Three Types of Sexual Communication: Chit-chat, In the Moment & The Debrief
- #306: What I Desire
- #305: Lazy Sex
- #304: It's Not "Needy" to Connect, It's Human
- #303: The Art of the Thrust
- #302: Transformational Erotica
- #301: Sex as Embodied Mindfulness Practice
- #300: So Many Ways to Eat, So Many Ways to…
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