The LoveLife Blog: guidance on mindful, bodyful, soulful loving!

#179: Men Have Not Evolved to 'Sow Their Seed Widely'

Jacqueline Hellyer - Friday, October 21, 2016

There’s a myth perpetuating in our society that men are “naturally” more promiscuous than women. One of the reasons given for this is that men have evolved to “sow their seed widely” so as to have more children and therefore ensure the continuity of their genes.

I'm never sure whether to pull my hair out in frustration or laugh at the ludicrousness of such as suggestion, which I hear so often, even from intelligent thoughtful people.

The fact is that the “sow seed widely” form of reproduction is generally only practiced by the lower orders of animals, such as amphibians and fish and coral. In these species the female lays huge quantities of eggs, which hatch into offspring, most of which don’t survive until reproductive age. The males conversely, have to spread huge amounts of sperm around, to catch the widely scattered eggs.

As you go further up the complexity of the animal kingdom you find that there is less and less spreading of seed by the males as the females give birth to increasingly dependent young. By the time you get to humans at the top of the complexity scale and at the extreme end of the infant nurturing scale, you get offspring that are so useless they take... read more

#173: Giving Good Head Does Not Mean Simulating A Vacuum Cleaner

Jacqueline Hellyer - Saturday, September 03, 2016

Yes, I know on the porn clips the women giving men oral sex appear to be applying an extraordinary amount of suction and vigorous attention to the penis, and the man appears to be enjoying it. But you know what - they’re actors. You don’t know if they’re actually enjoying it. That’s not what porn is, porn is designed to be visually stimulating, it’s supposed to be what looks arousing, not what actually is arousing. Never assume that what you see on porn feels good.

And yes, I know when a man masturbates he tends to stroke his shaft vigorously.

But your mouth is not a hand. Your mouth is completely different to a hand, not only in the way it holds a penis, but in the mechanism of how it moves. Your hand is attached to a very flexible wrist, which is attached to a very strong and mobile arm. Your mouth is part of your head, attached to a delicate and not very maneuverable neck.

It is not possible to use your mouth like a hand without doing severe damage to your neck. Let the porn stars get regular physio for their oral antics, it’s probably tax deductable anyway. It’s not for you.

So,... read more

#171: Is Porn Making Men Less Masculine?

Jacqueline Hellyer - Saturday, August 20, 2016


I see a lot of male clients who watch a lot of porn, and one thing that strikes me about these men is that they are not very masculine.

A man who is mature in his masculinity is:

  • Connected
  • Confident
  • Contributing, and
  • Creative
A man like this is able to make love in a way that they both have an amazing time.

I don’t have a problem with porn per se. People have always liked to watch other people having sex. The problem happens when porn becomes a substitute for real sex, or when it becomes considered normal sex, rather than just something that is visually titillating.

The heavy porn watchers have an immature masculinity.

Let’s look at how porn interferes with a man’s sexual growth:

1) Connection: Porn teaches men nothing about connection. A man is never going to learn how to connect deeply and intimately with his partner if porn is his main source of sexual information. Yet without connection a man will never be a great lover, not even a good lover, especially over the long term. Connection is absolutely at the basis of all good sex.

2) Confidence: Porn reduces... read more

#166: Solo Cultivation - Mindful Masturbation for Men

Jacqueline Hellyer - Friday, July 15, 2016

Sure, sometimes there are times when you want a quick wank, just as stress release or to rid yourself of a persistent urge. But for a man who wants to be a great lover, someone who is in tune with his sexuality and can make awesome love with his partner, what you really want is ‘solo cultivation’.

This term comes from the Taoist (Chinese) sexual practices. It essentially means you are masturbating to improve yourself. The furtive wank in front of the computer watching three barbie doll look-alikes pretend to be getting off on each other is fine, but it’s not improving yourself. It’s a bit like grabbing a take-away hamburger from a fast food chain - that’s not great nutrition, it’ll get you by when you’re desperate for a feed, but you won’t develop a great body from it. Wanking to porn as opposed to mindful masturbation is the same.

We don’t generally think of masturbation as a way to better yourself, so this will take a bit of mind shift.

First, you need to make time and space, and move away from the computer (or other device). Be somewhere comfortable, such as sitting in an armchair or reclining on a pile of pillows on your... read more

#150: Strength in Softness, Softness in Strength

Jacqueline Hellyer - Thursday, January 14, 2016

I had an interesting few days recently, running a workshop for women, followed two days later with a seminar for men. 

For me it was truly wonderful to work with a group of 16 women over two days and feel and see them come more fully into the strength and softness of their femininity, and become more sexually confident and expressive. Such gorgeous strong feminine women! 

And then two days later to work with a group of 15 men for an evening of coming into the strength and softness of their masculinity, becoming more sexually confident and (according to feedback from participants and/or their partners) more sexually expressive. Such gorgeous strong masculine men!

It really brought home to me how equal men and women are in their innate sexual energy, but how differently that energy is expressed.

Vive la difference!

We are all equal, and thank god for social changes that have given reasonable social, political, economic, etc equality between the sexes. God forbid that we should ever go back to a time when women were considered inferior to men in so many ways or that that inferiority be entrenched in society.

But equal does not mean same. Women... read more

#119: Give Your Man Absolute Pleasure...Try Prostate Massage

Jacqueline Hellyer - Tuesday, April 07, 2015

Prostate massage can be great for a man - great orgasms, better sex. You have to go in through the bum hole though, so it’s not for everyone. But if you’re game, it can feel fantastic.

Now, you don’t want to go “barreling down to the anus” (to misquote Monty Python), he needs to be warmed up to anal touch. Make sure he’s good and relaxed, you’ve got music playing, soft lighting, whatever makes him (and you as the massager) feel comfortable.

As the massager, you might like to wear a latex glove for cleanliness, or to reduce the ‘ick’ factor of putting your finger up someone’s bum, even if it is your beloved’s bum. (Let’s face it, an asshole can be a cute and endearing part of the anatomy, but it can be a little noisome on the inside).

Here’s how you do it:

  • Start with sensual touch of his whole body. Touch lovingly, slowly, with focus. Move firmly from ankles up his legs to his buttocks and give them a good massage. Rub across his sacrum to warm up the whole area.
  • Then ask him to roll on to his side, back or front.... read more

#93: When He’s Lost Interest

Jacqueline Hellyer - Tuesday, April 15, 2014

Aren’t men supposed to be insatiable sex machines, always gagging for it, ready at the drop of a hat, incessantly harassing their poor female partner to satiate their voracious appetite?

If you believe that, and you’ve lost interest, then you’re going to think that something really bad is going on. Your partner might think so too, and might even blame herself: “If all other women are having to fight off their man, and mine isn’t even interested, then what’s wrong with me?”

Either that or your partner might think that there’s something wrong with you: “What kind of a man are you? Limp dick!” Which is hardly going to help the situation.

If you’re the man and you’ve lost interest, you too might blame yourself: “What’s wrong with me? Am I a real man?” Or you might blame your partner: “Give it a rest woman, can’t you tell I’m busy and stressed - you want me to provide for the family and service your needs? I’m not a stud animal.”

The simple fact though, is that men are simply human. Men get stressed and tired too, and quite often that affects their sexual desire.

So if... read more

#80: What Do Men Love Best About Sex?

Jacqueline Hellyer - Tuesday, August 20, 2013

I’ve spoken to hundreds of heterosexual men at the most intimate levels about their sex lives. I always ask them what it is they love most about sex. And do you know what the answer is?

If you have an old-fashioned view of sex, that ‘men have their needs’ and that really they are just animalistic creatures who need to get their end in to get their rocks off then you’d probably say something like: having an orgasm.

But no. All the men, bar a couple of complete jerks, have told me that what they love best about sex is their partner’s pleasure. Yes: the more pleasure she has, the more pleasure he has...

This makes sense because women have greater potential for sexual response than men. Men are a bit limited in the sexual response area, especially if you think of sex as penis activity - penises can only last so long and can generally only have the one orgasm and then they’re done.

Women however can last and last. Women can really go places sexually. And when a woman goes places sexually, she takes her man along with her.

So it makes sense that men love to please sexually - they’re doing it for their own pleasure!
... read more

#78: The Awesomeness of Men Who Are Present

Jacqueline Hellyer - Tuesday, July 23, 2013

At my Black Belt in the Bedroom seminars I get the participating men to stand in a circle and and simply breathe, circulating their sexual energy around their bodies. Each time it is, simply, stunning. The only way to describe it is to use a rather old-fashioned and religious term: it is a State of Grace. With every group, the peace and presence manifested by these men is magnificent. If only their women could be there to experience it.

I love to stand in the middle of the circle and feel that gorgeous masculine energy. When I have a female assistant there, I invite her to stand in the circle to feel it too. Every woman who has done this has been amazed at the sensation.

Experiences like this confirm my purpose in the world to enable people to connect with themselves and through that with their partners, and through that ultimately to connect with everything.

On behalf of the women of the world, thanks guys! You’re awesome!

read more

#75: An Erection Does Not Have To Be Serviced

Jacqueline Hellyer - Tuesday, June 11, 2013

Erections come and go. A penis is quite a variable creature. Sometimes it’s not erect when you want it to be, and other times it’s erect when you don’t want it to be.

I’ve written before about when it’s soft, even if you’d rather it were hard (The Pleasure of A Soft Cock). So what about the opposite: when it’s hard and you might not want it to be.

The main thing I want to say here is that an erect penis does not have to be serviced. Ladies, just because he’s erect, it doesn’t mean he has to have an orgasm. He might possibly like one, but that doesn’t mean he has to have one, and it certainly doesn’t mean that you have to drop everything and give him one.

I’m surprised at how many women think they have to do something with their partner’s erection, even if they don’t want to. The saddest thing about this is that it leads to avoidance behaviour - they avoid affection and intimacy for fear that their partner will become aroused, and then they will be expected to have sex.

That attitude is such a shame, because of course affection and intimacy can lead a man to have an erection.... read more

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