The LoveLife Blog: guidance on mindful, bodyful, soulful loving!


#265: I See You as Lover - the importance of attention in loving well

Jacqueline Hellyer - Sunday, September 22, 2019

Our brain is such an interesting thing. It stores away memories and impressions, and then when we are met with a similar situation, it immediately goes ‘oh that old thing’ and presents a pre-formed idea based on the past. Which means it’s easy to get complacent in our experiencing of life, including our experience of our partner.

When we first meet there is so much newness and excitement – our brain is bedazzled by our new object of interest, we find this person fascinating. Our brain is engaged and releasing lots of dopamine and the endorphins and oxytocin are flowing in our body. It feels sooo goood! Often this is fuelled by pre-existing beliefs around ‘happy ever after’ and ‘finding one’s soul mate’, which enhance the interest and positive feelings.

But, over time, that person is no longer new. They become a bit ‘same old same old’. Our brain gets used to them, we no longer see them as new and interesting, and often this is exacerbated by beliefs around sex and love getting boring with time, and maybe memories of our own parents’ complacent marriages mixed in. We go into automatic mode with our partner, with our impressions and expectations of them. We get... read more



#261: Finding the 'More' - the Spiritual Dimensions of Sex

Jacqueline Hellyer - Sunday, July 28, 2019



So many people who come to me are wanting more from their sexuality, but are at a loss as to what that ‘more’ might be.

These people might already have done their own research or seen other professional helpers. They've made sure their genitals are functioning, have given themselves permission to try different sexual activities, learned the importance of consent – and yes, these are all important parts of a healthy sex life – yet something is still missing…

The answer to the ‘more’ in sex is not a doing more, it’s a being more.

It is about moving away from sex as an ‘act’ or a ‘performance’ and engaging with another with openness and transparency. Rather than ‘doing’ each other or ‘getting each other off’, it’s about both surrendering to the experience. When two people engage in this way you are allowing yourself to explore, express and be known at the deepest levels of your being.

Sex becomes
  • mindful, in that your mind is not distracted but is fully present;
  • bodyful, in that you are completely embodied, experiencing fully through the whole of your physicality; and it becomes
  • soulful, in that you discover... read more


#260: How to Stay In Love

Jacqueline Hellyer - Sunday, July 07, 2019



So often I hear my clients say that they still love their partner but are no longer in love. Often this is given as the reason for wanting to end an otherwise good relationship. These clients always make this claim with some despondency and with a sense of finality, as though once it’s gone it’s gone.

This is understandable, as it’s a common belief that there is the exciting, passionate ‘in love’ honeymoon period and then there is dreary ‘loving’ companionship ever after. But is this fact or myth? Is loss of ‘in love-ness’ inevitable or can we keep it going?

Well, it’s a huge topic and I’d need more than one blog post to go into details, but essentially the answer is yes, you can cultivate that feeling. The key word here is cultivate. It doesn’t ‘just happen’.

Nothing good in life ‘just happens’, nothing good lasts without focus and attention. You don’t stay fit and healthy if you don’t focus on it, you don’t become wealthy if you don’t pay attention, you don’t develop a good career or business without on-going intent to do so. Yet for some reason when it comes to love and sex, we think it... read more



#255: Own the Crone

Jacqueline Hellyer - Wednesday, May 01, 2019

 

1 May 2019

Today I am 55 years of age. It feels somehow special. I feel I’ve ‘arrived’ at a new stage somehow. I didn’t feel this when I turned 50, although that was significant too. Fifty-five feels strong, wise, powerful.

I woke up with the phrase 'Own the Crone' going through my mind.

It comes from the three classical stages of woman: maiden, mother and crone.

It’s the ‘maiden’, the young woman, who has been considered the most desirable, the most sexual in our society. We glorify youth, the beauty, the vibrancy of the young. That’s what’s considered sexually desirable.

The ‘mother’ phase of a woman’s life, well, this has been when she's considered the most ‘useful’ – as long as she had children of course, god forbid if she didn’t and remained a ‘spinster’. But was she sexual? Ah, no.

And as for the crone, that dried up older woman. What use was she? She’s past it, a post-menopausal has-been.

Hardly! I’ve never felt more confident, more capable, healthier or more sexually juiced up in my life! So, I’m coming out loud and proud about my age to be a beacon... read more



#254: Porn Star versus Prude

Jacqueline Hellyer - Sunday, April 14, 2019



For centuries we had the Madonna - Whore polarity
, good girl versus bad girl: bad girls put out, good girls are virtuous. You fuck the whore but not your pure, chaste wife. Female sexuality was only there to serve men's sexuality: the good girls provided offspring and the bad girls provided pleasure - and never the twain would meet.

Then that ridiculous notion changed with the sexual revolution of the 1960’s and 70’s. Finally we believed that sex was good and we should like sex - hip hip hooray, sexual freedom and liberation for all!!!

But has it really changed?

I think that to a large extent we simply replaced the good girl versus bad girl split with the Porn Star versus Prude. That sexual freedom only translated into the freedom to act like a porn star: do me big boy, yeah yeah - or…nothing, zip. You’re the Prude.

Too many people think that sexual freedom means acting like a porn star, doing things for free that a high class escort would only do for serious money. Oral, anal, threesomes, moresomes. you name it, they do it, because they’re oh so cool and sexually free. (Mind you, they often have to be drugged... read more


#252: Non-Linear Love-Making: the "Picnic" Approach to Sex

Jacqueline Hellyer - Saturday, March 16, 2019



The standard approach to sex is rather like a three course meal, it proceeds in set stages: you kiss a bit, fondle a bit (maybe give her an orgasm), then have vigorous intercourse until he comes. The End.

It’s not a bad model for sex, but it’s limited, and can get pretty boring over time.

I suggest you take a less lineal approach to sex and think of it less like a three-course meal and more like a picnic. At a picnic everything is available in front of you and you can pick and choose whatever you want, in whatever quantity, at whatever pace, and in whatever order you please.

So at a picnic you can have dips-quiche-pavlova if you like, but you don’t have to. You can just have dips, you can go straight to the pavlova, you can go quiche-dips-dips-quiche-pavlova-quiche-dips-pavlova. You don’t even have to eat - you can just sit and drink champagne, you’re still having a picnic.

It’s the same with sex: you can do whatever you like, in whatever order you like, at whatever pace you like, in whatever quantities you like. You can intersperse bouts of intercourse with bouts of oral or... read more


#248: Make-Over Your Sex Life

Jacqueline Hellyer - Saturday, January 12, 2019



Can you makeover your sex life? 

Of course you can! That’s what I’m all about.

Essentially a makeover is when you realise you’re not living up to your potential in some area of life and you set about changing that. Many people simply accept their “lot” in life, excusing even the possibility of change with beliefs that: “I’m too old”, “I’m too poor”, “I’m too whatever”. Other people realise that we have agency to create our own lives, so it’s up to us to choose to be however we want to be. This applies as much to sex as any other part of life.

In fact, I think a sexual makeover is essential to any other life makeover. We are essentially sexual creatures, our sexuality is fundamental to our being, and therefore to our well-being. So if you’re considering a lifestyle makeover, you’ve got to include sex.

Sometimes people say to me that they’ll fix the other “stuff” before they address sex.

I say, no, Sex is at the base of all life! So start at the base!

Start transforming your sexuality and you’ll start transforming your life.

... read more


#247: Be Real, Express Freely

Jacqueline Hellyer - Saturday, December 29, 2018



There's a beautiful quote from Anais Nin:

There came a day when the flower realized that the pain of remaining tight in a bud was greater than the risk of opening up and blossoming. 


That's how people often feel about their sexuality before they come to see me. They can't bear being a tight bud any more, they can no longer deny their need to blossom. It's what I love in this work, whether it's with private clients or in the group workshops, people start to tap into their true selves and to allow themselves to be who they really are and express themselves honestly and openly.

Our sexuality is one area where many people aren’t open and honest and true to themselves. No matter how much personal development work they’ve done, if they’ve missed out this crucial part of themselves, then they’re never going to be whole and real.

You see, true sexual expression comes from a very deep part of ourselves, it’s probably the part of ourselves that is truer than any other part. Many people think our sexuality is part of our lower, animal side. I beg to disagree. I believe our sexuality is part of our... read more


#243: Evolve with the Seven Elements of Sexuality

Jacqueline Hellyer - Saturday, November 03, 2018

Seven Elements of Sexuality

Over my years of clinical and academic involvement in sexuality (not to mention countless hours of personal ‘research’) I have identified seven underlying elements to our sexuality.

These elements are all essential to having a strong, healthy, integrated sexuality. If you are weak in any of them, your sexuality will be out of balance.

These elements are also developmental, each element includes and transcends the ones before. If you jump ahead before you’ve developed and integrated the earlier elements, that too will cause your sexuality to be out of balance.

One: Self-awareness

It all starts with you - having a positive sense of self, centred, confident, balanced in your yin and yang elements. (Of course, we are never ‘perfect’, but without a reasonable level of self-awareness and balance it is not possible to be able to engage with a partner in a healthy manner.)

I call this your ‘Lady’and ‘Gentleman’ sides, someone who is confident, centred and self-aware.


Two: Discernment

Once you've got the hang of yourself, you need take that forward and 'meet' your partner - with equality, assessing for worthiness, identifying boundaries, co-creating safety so you can then explore... read more



#240: Turn Yourself On and the World Turns On To You

Jacqueline Hellyer - Sunday, September 23, 2018



When you feel sexy, you are sexy.

Notice that I say when you feel sexy, not when you look sexy. You might also look sexy, but the important thing is that you feel sexy.

Just looking sexy is a superficial thing. You can try all you like with the latest fashions, gym workouts or even cosmetic surgery to look sexy. Until you feel sexy though, you won’t be sexy.

Those things can certainly help you feel sexy, no doubt about it. For many people, being in shape, wearing nice clothes, even a nip and tuck here and there can do a lot to make them feel good about themselves. Being healthy, being in shape, looking good, all contribute.

That’s not enough though. There are plenty of good-looking well-dressed people who somehow just aren’t particularly sexy (unless you think Ken and Barbie are sexy). And there are plenty of people who don’t look or dress the part of ‘sexy’ yet are really hot - or beguiling or enchanting or desirable in some indescribable way.

These people are being sexy. They’re not trying to be sexy they just are.

Truly sexy people don’t try... read more


1 2 3 4 5 .. 8

Listen to the audio version - the LoveLife Podcast!

the lovelife podcast








Search

Recent Posts

Earlier Posts



Tags



Subscribe

to LOVELIFE News for regular inspiration on sex, love and intimacy!



For more great sex advice -
read my books!