The LoveLife Blog: guidance on mindful, bodyful, soulful loving!

#115: Ten Reasons Why Married Women Have Affairs, and What To Do When She Does

Jacqueline Hellyer - Monday, March 02, 2015

A large proportion of the clients I see are dealing with affairs, and the majority of those are married women who have had an affair, are having an affair, are on the brink of succumbing to an affair or are flirting with the idea of having an affair.

So it’s very common.

In my own clinical experience, these are some of the reasons women have affairs. These reasons don’t excuse the affair, and many of the reasons don’t really make sense, but here they are:
Some women have affairs for primarily sexual reasons:
  1. her husband has lost interest in having sex with her;
  2. she’s bored sexually and her husband isn’t adventurous enough;
  3. her husband is a sexual bully and she’s found a man who is tender and loving;
  4. her husband is too soft a lover and she’s found a ‘bad boy’;
  5. she loves her husband but has lost interest in him sexually;
  6. her husband doesn’t make her feel sexy and her lover does.
Some women have affairs for primarily emotional reasons:
  1. she’s stressed and overwhelmed and the affair is a bubble of peace;
  2. her husband is critical and hurtful and her lover is kind and loving;
  3. her life... read more

#111: 10 Tips For Your Vagina

Jacqueline Hellyer - Tuesday, January 20, 2015

A friend asked me recently what my Top Ten Tips for a vagina would be. “Good question!” I thought. So many women feel disconnected from their genitals, and don’t have a good feeling about them. We don’t even have a decent word for them, often using the word “vagina” to apply to the whole genital area. So here I use the word “vagina” to apply to just the vagina, and as to the whole of the genitals? Well, read on!

1. Honor It. The female genitals are the source of life. Other than a small input by the man at the start, the whole process of creating life takes place in the female genitals. That would have to be the most awesome thing in the entire universe!

2. Name It. For such an awesome part of the body, it’s incredible that we don’t have a decent name, other than “genitals”, which is a pretty ugly word. Even in casual talk there are not a lot of strong gorgeous names. We often refer to our “bits”, “down there”, “private parts” or “nether regions”. It’s hard to relate to an area of your body that you can’t even name! So give it a name: it’s my fanny or my quim, my yoni, qualia, bajingo, honey-pot, cinnabar crevasse.... read more

#101: Make Love to Yourself - Mindful Masturbation for Women

Jacqueline Hellyer - Tuesday, September 02, 2014


Making love to yourself is a wonderful experience. It gets you in touch with your body, more confident in your sexuality, it makes you more orgasmic, floods your body with happy hormones, and generally makes you happier and healthier!

I call it self-pleasuring, which is a far more appealing and indulgent term than the clinical, and somehow ‘wrong’ sounding term of ‘masturbation’.

Solo sex is different to partnered sex. It’s not worse than partnered sex, or less than partnered sex - what you do when you can’t get the ‘real thing’ - it’s just different

It is still sex, at least the type of sex that I promote, that is, it’s about pleasure not just the quickest route to orgasm - so treat it like sex and actually make love to yourself.

First, set the scene. You want to be in a luscious environment, with gorgeous music, soft lighting, lots of pillows stacked behind you so that you’re reclining rather than flat on your back.

You might like to have a bath first to relax yourself - maybe ready some erotica as you bathe. Or read some erotica as preparation while you eat a few delectable... read more

#92: Q&A: Why Doesn’t Porn Do It for Me?

Jacqueline Hellyer - Monday, March 03, 2014

I’m often asked questions like this one I received through Women’s Health Magazine:

My boyfriend wants to watch porn with me, and I have nothing against porn, but I haven't found any that turns me on – the women tend to be all fake-tanned and fake-nailed, and the sex is so staged. Can you make any recommendations on porn that appeals to both men and women?

And my response to enquiries like this tends to be along the lines of:

Porn doesn't do it for everyone. Those close-ups of genitals, ham acting, no plot - for many people that's a "turn me off, baby"! While many people find porn to be a short-cut to rapid arousal, others find it short-circuits arousal and turns them cold.

If you're in the latter group, it's better to find your erotic turn-ons elsewhere: in books, movies, food, poetry, clothing, music - create experiences that really turn you on, from the inside out. Seek seduction, not sleaze; pleasure, not porn; sensuality not superficiality; fun, not fake.

If you and your boyfriend look for real connection and deep eroticism you’ll be enjoying yourselves, lost in sensation, way more than you ever could... read more

#85: Advice from Japanese Grandmothers on How to Be Beautiful

Jacqueline Hellyer - Monday, November 11, 2013

I’m not sure where I found this, but it’s wonderful advice. It’s pretty much the approach I’ve always followed, and I look pretty good for my age!

  • Drink pure water.
  • Breathe good air deeply.
  • Live in a clean house.
  • Good skin comes from a clean body, so make sure to eat foods that purify the body.
  • Eat a wide variety of simple foods.
  • Sleep at least eight hours a night, and go to bed before 11pm.
  • Enjoy nature.
  • Stay tranquil and calm, by keeping a relaxed mind.
  • By the age of 40, the mind is visible on the face. So improve your outlook and you will improve your face.
  • Don’t sit around worrying.
  • Control your desires: don’t always want what you can’t have. This unsatisfied-yearning makes a woman ugly.
  • Don’t complain, don’t be envious, don’t be irritated. Your health will deteriorate and your skin will look terrible.
  • Enjoy lovemaking. You will have glowing shiny skin and a relaxed face.
  • Accept your age and the changes in your beauty. A beautiful old person is beautiful because their mind and spirit are wise and graceful.
All great advice!

... read more

#56: Pelvic Floor Pleasures - Advanced

Jacqueline Hellyer - Monday, July 09, 2012

Once you've been practicing the basic exercises for a while, you should feel a change in your pelvis, feeling more present and connected to your genital region. This is a good thing.

Give your pelvic floor a squeeze now, notice how it connects you to your pelvic area. Breath into your belly and do some more squeezes, nice and relaxed.

Let’s look at some advanced pleasures;

Connect with your Pelvis
 The first advanced pleasure is simply that - to connect with your pelvis. So many people are disconnected from their pelvises. Increasing the connection will help men last longer and men and women to have better orgasms.

Recharge Yourself
 You can also use your pelvic floor to draw energy up your body, to recharge yourself. Visualise an energy centre in your pelvis. It could be a flame, a cloud of electricity, a pulsing gem, whatever comes to mind. Then as you squeeze and relax, keeping your breath low and calm, imagine that with the squeezes you are drawing energy up your body, either up your spine or up your middle.

Please note that if you’re doing a lot of energy raising in this way, it’s important that you also lower and centre the energy at the end of... read more

#55: Pelvic Floor Pleasures - The Basics

Jacqueline Hellyer - Monday, June 25, 2012

Can you use your pelvic floor to draw up energy and recharge yourself?
Can you have sustained orgasms?
Men, can you use your muscles to help you last longer?
If not, can I suggest you strengthen your pelvic floor muscles?

What are The Pelvic Floor Muscles?

The pelvic floor is a band of muscle that goes from the pubic bone at the front to the tailbone at the back and to the bones of the upper thighs on either side. It’s a girdle of muscle that holds all the pelvic organs in place, with just a few holes for the various tubes to come through.

Benefits of Toned Muscles

Like any muscle, if it’s toned it’s stronger and more effective than if it’s not toned.

Since having toned pelvic floor muscles means:
  • Heightened awareness of and connection to your pelvic region and genitals
  • Better sexual response in terms of awareness of sensations
  • More pleasure for your partner (she can massage him, he can last longer)
  • Better orgasms with greater sensation and longer length
  • Continued good sex as you get older
  • Her vagina won’t fall... read more

#52: Tools for Self-Validation from a Luscious Woman

Jacqueline Hellyer - Monday, May 21, 2012

A graduate of one of my Luscious Woman Workshops wrote to me and said that intellectually she understood the concept of self-validation, but wasn’t able to make it real until she attended my workshop.

She wrote:

“For me, self-validation has required putting into practice things you advocated in Luscious Woman:

  • Getting out of my head and into my body - exercise, massage, masturbation and other self-pleasuring – because feeling loved helps in believing you are worthy of (your own and others’) love;

  • Meditation and other contemplative/spiritual practices that are about being gentle, kind and non-judgmental;

  • Using those kind, gentle non-judgmental techniques to re-train my inner harsh critic. This harsh critic is my well-meaning but badly trained best friend. She thinks she tells me what I need to know to protect myself, so if she says the worst things to me, before anyone else does, that somehow or another I'll have steeled myself for the worst from other people. Greeting that inner critic as a loved friend, not the enemy, thanking her for the fierceness and strength of her concern, has gone a long way for me in quieting her down.

  • The other technique has been to acknowledge and... read more

#51: How to Master the Art of Vaginal Stimulation

Jacqueline Hellyer - Monday, April 23, 2012

Once you’ve navigated your partner’s vagina and got to know the G, A and Ohh Spots a little better let’s look at how you can stimulate all those good spots for maximum effect.

 Before you get anywhere near her genitals though, make sure your partner is well and truly aroused and wanting your fingers to enter.

Remember, it’s about invitation not penetration!

The G-Spot:

Insert a finger, run it along the corrugated ridge that’s her urethral sponge until you get to the end, hook your finger on the edge and pull back towards her vaginal opening. A tickling type movement might be enough or you may need to be quite firm. Try it with one finger initially and then try it with two, either pulling with both fingers together, or waggling your fingers so they alternate stroking that point. You can also try rubbing around or stroking across the spot.

She may find the sensation unpleasant initially, with an urge to pee, in which case ask her to relax and have a sense of pushing out with her vaginal muscles. Build up to this though, try a few pulls then relax, a few more. Don’t expect her to love it in the first session, or even the first few sessions. It might even be that she’ll never... read more

#50: Discover the G, A and Ohhhh-Spots

Jacqueline Hellyer - Monday, April 16, 2012

You might not be quite sure where it is, but you’ve probably heard of the G-spot.

Are you aware that there are other “spots” in the vagina too?    

It’s good to know the geography of your own or your partner’s vagina - there are some good spots in there!

The G-spot is the one that gets all the press these days, there are whole books written about it. To be honest though, it’s not the favourite part of my vagina. It’s good, but for me the O-spot is better, and the A-spot is best of all!

So where are these spots?

Ok, let’s start with some basic navigation of the vagina. Start with you or your partner lying on your back. Then insert your middle finger into the vagina. You’ll notice that on the tummy side of the vagina it feels like there is a corrugated ridge running from the entrance back into the vagina along the front wall. This is the urethral sponge, the engorging material that surrounds the urethra. As a woman becomes more aroused the urethral sponge engorges with blood and protrudes further into the vagina.

From now on, unless you’re very flexible, I’ll give the instructions for the person who’s inserting their finger... read more

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