The LoveLife Blog: guidance on mindful, bodyful, soulful loving!

#46: Feminine Receptivity and the Go-Getter Kind of Gal

Jacqueline Hellyer - Monday, February 20, 2012

I was asked recently to comment on the view that too many women in the West are too actively doing things to be able to attract a man, that “if you have a feminine core, your natural essence isn't to pursue, but to be pursued.” The implication in the question was that if you’re out there and active in the world, then you're not 'feminine'.

Completely wrong! There is no contradiction in being feminine and active in the world. That's the patriarchy dressed-up in New Age bullshit. Being in your feminine means to be soft on the outside and strong on the inside, allowing your inner feminine strength to radiate out. Women who are aligned like this are strong, and they do achieve in the world. They don’t necessarily achieve in an aggressive, win-at-all costs kind of way (although there is always a place for stridency), the approach may well be more organic, more “flowing” (as in fact it is for balanced men too).

Importantly, a woman aligned with her feminine doesn’t need to “do” anything to catch a man, rather she allows him to prove himself. A woman who is truly in her feminine knows her value and worth, she’s no eager beaver desperate for any man to like her, or a conniving fox playing... read more

#37: A Woman's Body Opens In Stages

Jacqueline Hellyer - Monday, August 15, 2011

One of the main reasons women don’t reach their orgasmic potential, and why men miss out on the pleasure of their woman reaching that level, is that they go too far too soon.

A woman’s body opens up in stages. If you rush the process, she won’t be able to get there. If you kiss her before she’s ready, she won’t like it. If you touch her breasts before she’s ready she’ll be repulsed and feel like you’re groping her. If you get genital before she’s ready it will feel unpleasant, even painful, and if you enter her before she’s ready she’ll feel used/abused/bored/in pain/contemptuous, or any number of negative emotions far from the ecstatic pleasure that her man is hoping for.

Women do not have an on/off button. The clitoris is not for turning a woman on, she has to be aroused before you get genital with her. A woman needs to progress in stages.

Firstly, you need to have a good connection, be getting on well, with her feeling relaxed and enjoying her man’s company.

Then you can kiss her, if her head and mouth are moving towards you.

If the kiss is doing its work, her breasts will rise and move towards you. That’s the sign she... read more

#24: Fire and Water: The Masculine and Feminine Sexual Energies

Jacqueline Hellyer - Monday, December 27, 2010

The masculine sexual energy is like fire: it comes on quickly, burns brightly and extinguishes quickly.

The feminine sexual energy is like water: it’s slow to heat up, but once it’s boiling it will boil and boil and boil and boil…

So if we divide sex into two phases, desire and response, then the masculine has more energy in the desire phase and the feminine has more energy in the response phase.

 This is why men generally tend to have a stronger libido, and why women have a greater range and intensity of arousal and orgasmic response.

Ideally in the sexual act, the man will use his fire energy to heat up the woman’s water energy. She’ll reach heights of arousal and ecstasy that will make him feel absolutely fantastic because he’s the one who got her there. He’ll probably have an orgasm too, but his satisfaction is ultimately in the pleasure he’s given her. The release of all her sexual energy satisfies and nourishes him completely. In this way the sexual circuit is complete and sex is a wonderfully fulfilling, healing, liberating and bonding experience for both of them.

We do have both masculine and feminine energies within us and a well-rounded person will have a reasonably good balance within them. There are also... read more

#23: High Libido Women Keep Themselves Simmering

Jacqueline Hellyer - Monday, December 13, 2010

While men's sexual energy tends to be like fire, it comes on quickly, burns brightly and extinguishes quickly, women's sexual energy tends to be like water: it takes longer to warm up, but once it’s hot it will boil and boil and boil…

The warmer a woman’s 'water' energy is, the more open and ready she is for sex. If she enters the sex act with icy cold-water energy, even frozen, then it’s going to take an awful lot of work to warm it up. She’ll either be averse to having sex or it will take so long to heat her up that one or both of them will give up before she gets anywhere, or she'll engage even though sh'es not ready and won't enjoy the experience.

So the common scenario of a busy modern couple, hard at work all day, occupied with kids/housework/work brought home/etc in the evening and/or vegetating in front of the TV for hours watching people being murdered and cut up on mortuary tables, getting into bed late at night and then thinking about sex…. Well, it’s not surprising that she’s not interested; her water energy is stone cold. (In fact, this scenario also causes many men to be unable to ignite their fire energy, but that’s another story.)

My... read more

#20: Obligation Sex is Self-Imposed Low-Level Sexual Trauma

Jacqueline Hellyer - Monday, October 18, 2010

There is a school of thought that says women should ‘just do it’. The implication being that sex really isn’t that important, it’s easy to lie there and get it over with - I guess the idea is that you can just plan the shopping list or something while he gets his necessary sexual release (as if he doesn’t have two hands available).

I find that approach abhorrent on so many levels. Most obviously, men don’t actually want obligation sex. Radical concept to some perhaps, but men actually want their partners to enjoy sex too. (Hmm, maybe men aren’t just animalist creatures wanting to get their end in?)

Less obviously, but more importantly: sex is not just sex. The vagina is exquisitely linked to a woman’s brain, her self-worth, her creativity, her joie de vivre. For her to feel good about herself and about life she needs to treat her vagina well.

A vagina that engages in gorgeous, desirable, satisfying love-making will make her owner feel wonderful. A vagina that engages in unwanted, unprepared sex (slapping on some lube is not preparation) will not make her owner feel good. The vagina is being subjected to low-level trauma and so the woman is... read more

#15: Valuing the Feminine

Jacqueline Hellyer - Tuesday, August 03, 2010

Photo by Lucas Pezeta from Pexels

Everyone has masculine and feminine in them. I prefer to use the terms Yin and Yang, as we have so much unhelpful meaning attached to the terms masculine and feminine. Well-developed people have a pretty good balance of both within themselves, they have both strength and softness, can protect and nurture. If we reject one, thinking the other is somehow better, we reject a major aspect of ourselves. When we reject our feminine side we become dominant and controlling, and when we reject our masculine side we become weak and dependent.

How can women embody this balance? How can we be empowered women, embracing our yin and our yang, our masculine and our feminine?  A concept I share, which a lot of women have said has been very helpful to them, is to think of  having our yin softness on the outside and yang strength on the inside. So you can trust your inner strength to allow the outer softness, your strength emanates out through softness. This is is so different to the way women had to be under the patriarchal systems that ruled for millenia, where women couldn't show their strength, and it's also different from what a lot of modern women do,... read more

#11: The Great G-Spot & Female Ejaculation Debate!

Jacqueline Hellyer - Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Firstly, let me apologise on behalf of my profession that, in the early 21st century, we still don’t know how women’s bodies work! I find it appalling that there’s still debate over what’s in our vaginas and what effect touching various parts produces!

There is no question that most women find certain parts of their vaginas more sensitive than others. Some of these parts have been given labels and some haven’t. One area that has been given a label is the G-spot, which is generally located a couple of knuckles’ depth into the vagina on the belly side. When you feel inside yourself you’ll notice that that side of your vagina has a corrugated feel, whereas the rest is smooth. This is because what you’re feeling is the urethral sponge.

The urethral sponge is a spongy material that surrounds your urethra. As you become sexually excited the urethral sponge becomes engorged with blood. It’s the urethral sponge you can feel on the belly side of your vagina, and as you become excited it protrudes further into your vagina.

Many women, but not all, find that stimulation of the urethral sponge inside their vagina - i.e. stimulation of the belly side of their vagina - is highly stimulating. So... read more

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