The LoveLife Blog: guidance on mindful, bodyful, soulful loving!

#220 Foreplay and Be-Foreplay

Jacqueline Hellyer - Saturday, December 16, 2017

As the famous quote from John Cleese in “the Meaning of Life” goes: “You don’t just go barreling on down to the clitoris! What’s wrong with a kiss?”

Too many people wrongly think that the clitoris is some kind of magical on/off button for women’s arousal. Too mainly people wrongly believe that if you start playing with her clitoris then she’ll be ready for “the main event” (i.e, intercourse).

But genital stimulation is not foreplay.

Personally I refer to any kind of genital interaction as “sex”: oral sex, manual sex, intercourse.

Foreplay is what you do before you get genital... 

In the case of most women, foreplay is what’s required to get her aroused enough to want genital play. That’s right, you don’t touch the genitals to arouse a woman, she already has to be aroused to want to have her genitals touched.

It’s the same for many men, not all men appreciate a grope of the penis as the preliminary for sex. The vast majority of men I speak to - and I speak to many, many, many men - like foreplay (by my definition) as much, if not more, than women.... read more

#216: Things that make you go 'mmm' and things that make you go 'ngh'

Jacqueline Hellyer - Saturday, November 11, 2017

When you think about desiring your partner, or a potential partner, what are the things that make you go “Mmmmm”? As in “Mmmmm, that's nice!” And what are the things that make you go “Nnngh”, as in “Nnngh - that's not so nice”?

In other words, what are your turn ons and turn offs when it comes to sex and desire?

What enhances your desire and what detracts from it?

Whatever these enhancers and detractors are, is unique to you, so you need to identify them for yourself.

Then you need to share them with your partner. Chances are they might be quite different to your partner’s so you can’t assume that they will automatically know. Similarly, you can’t assume that your partner has the same enhancers and detractors as you, or that they should be the same as you or that there’s anything wrong them (or you) if they’re not.

I remember a young couple where she admitted to him that she found him walking naked around the house to be a detractor for her. He was surprised as he’d thought it was a sexy thing for him to do. When she explained that... read more

#215: Libido - the Interplay of Desire & Arousal

Jacqueline Hellyer - Saturday, November 04, 2017

Mis-matched libidos, difference in desire, high and low sex drive, etc. These are very common terms used to describe a very common issue.

But what are we really talking about here?

What is libido, what is desire?

Firstly, it’s not a ‘thing’. Libido is not something you have or don’t have.

Secondly, desire is not arousal.

Often people say that one partner has a high libido, high desire, and the other partner has low libido, low desire. But when we get talking it often turns out that they are confusing desire with arousal.

Having fast arousal is not the same as having high desire, and having slow arousal is not the same as having low desire.

Quite often I find that the supposedly ‘low libido’ partner actually has quite high desire, they want and like sex, they’re just not feeling aroused. Yet.

And often the supposedly ‘high libido’ partner doesn’t really have ‘desire’ as such, they’re just horny, they’re aroused, but it’s more like an itch that needs scratching rather than a genuine desire for being with their partner.

So,... read more

#211: Seven Sex Tips for Busy People

Jacqueline Hellyer - Sunday, September 24, 2017

Life in the 21st century is fast paced, so fast paced that it’s easy to get caught up in all the busy-ness.

Busy isn’t bad, not if you’re relishing life as you busily experience it. But, and it’s a BIG but, if you let life carry you along on an endless wave of manic activity, then you won’t even notice you’re living, you won’t be enjoying it, and you won’t be making the time to savor all the wonderful things that life offers – including sex!

Wouldn’t you love sex to be a blissful haven away from all that frenetic stuff?
Wouldn’t you love to have sex that leaves you renewed and refreshed, that leaves you feeling fabulous?

Here are the seven fundamental sex tips to help you as a busy person have that blissful haven of fabulous sex. Read them, and, if they make sense to you and you want practical advice on how to use the Secrets in your life, buy and read my full book Sex Secrets for Busy People (don't worry, it's short - it's designed for busy people!)

Sex Tip Number 1: Sex is Energy

Why would a busy person... read more

#205: Quanta of Deliciousness

Jacqueline Hellyer - Sunday, August 13, 2017

Every time you do something for or say something nice to your partner it’s like you’re sending them a little bundle of loving sexual energy, a little quantum of deliciousness.


Imagine that quantum of energy springing across from your heart and into your partner’s heart. Make them feel the “mmm” - “mmm, you love me” and “mmm, you desire me”.



It’s the same when your partner does or says something full of joyful energy to you too - you feel that little quantum of energy enter you, so you go ‘mmm’.



Sometimes the energy is more from the heart, and sometimes more from the genitals. Ideally it’s from both, so you’re sending and receiving energy that combines love and sex.

That’s your 'beforeplay' – the connection that you create before you even get to the bedroom, the connection that needs to permeate the whole of your life together.

Keep sending those quanta of deliciousness and you’ll keep your connection strong, which means the two of you will be keeping... read more

#204: How to Maintain the “Mmm-Factor”

Jacqueline Hellyer - Sunday, August 06, 2017

Kids, mortgages, housework, career ...

Are those the priorities in your life?

Next you try to fit in some nice-to-haves: gym, net-surfing, watch some TV, repainting the lounge...

After all of that there's not a lot of time left for much else is there?

Does that sound like your life? Pretty good on the whole, shouldn’t complain, but something’s missing? Does it feel like you’re doing it tough? Do you feel somehow unsupported as though you’re going it alone, even if you have a partner…?

Chances are, like so many busy modern couples, you’ve lost the “Mmm-Factor”.

If you’ve relegated intimacy to the bottom of the priority list, if it’s even there at all, you’re not alone. Time after time I see clients in my clinic saying: “We’re best friends, but aren’t having sex”, “We live like flat-mates”, “We just can’t seem to get around to it”, “My partner is never in the mood” (and it’s just as common for the woman as the man to be complaining about the lack of sex.)

The good news is that you can regain and nurture what I call the “Mmm-Factor”.
read more

#197: Sex is Good, Sleep is Better!

Jacqueline Hellyer - Sunday, June 18, 2017


Whoa! Isn’t that blasphemy, coming from a Sex Coach?

Sleep is better than sex? Hello - has Jacqueline gone crazy?

No, I’m not about to ‘fess up and declare that I don’t practice what I preach. I’m not going to tell you that most of the time I actually prefer curling up in bed with a good book and a box of chocolates - although sometimes I do. My point is that for very many people, myself included, without enough sleep you don’t feel like sex.

Time after time I get exhausted people coming to me wondering what’s wrong with them, why they don’t have any desire for sex. The answer is pretty simple – they’re too tired.

Exhausted, flat, overwhelmed, worn out, drained… None of these states are conducive to a raging libido.

Like anything in life, the better the physical and mental state you’re in, the better you’ll perform. This applies whether we’re talking about work, sport or play - including sex.

We modern urban Westerners are a pretty overloaded bunch, way too up-regulated and with far too much to do. If you’re going for it all day long, then chances are you’re not going to be... read more

#192: Good Rest=Good Sex

Jacqueline Hellyer - Saturday, March 04, 2017

Rest is a topic I could go on endlessly about. It’s so important for our mental and physical well being to rest properly and by “rest” I don’t mean vegetating in front of the TV for hours on end.

Rest is also essential for good sex. Good sex is an energizing experience, but if you’re too tired it won’t be good, if it exists at all.

So you have to find rhythm and flow in your life. On a daily, weekly, monthly, seasonal and yearly basis, you need to balance the intensity and busyness with rest and ease. Take a moment to check in on whether you have this rhythm in your life: where are you doing well, where do you need more? I’ve found in my work with people that this is one of the most important elements to be being able to find the temporal, mental and physical space to have a wonderful sex life.

I read a study once of peak tennis players. The researchers were trying to identify what made the subtle difference between the elite players and the champions. They studied diet and training and all sorts of variables. The only difference they could find was that... read more

#175: The Chilled Build - How to Get in the Mood for Sex

Jacqueline Hellyer - Saturday, September 17, 2016

Is your idea of libido “whoah hubba hubba here we go baby oh yeah bring it on!!!”?

Do you feel that the lead-up to sex has to be intense and passionate?

Are you struggling to achieve that fervent enthusiasm?

Have you tried to force the fire by watching porn, playing dress-ups or bringing out the sex toys - and it’s just made you feel worse?

And does that make it all seem too hard so you can’t be bothered?

Then throw away those ideas of needing to rev up for sex, and focus instead on the 'chilled build'.

We tend to have a one-sided view of sex, we think it has to be all hot and heavy to be good. Sure there are times when sex is hot and heavy and that definitely can be good! But to expect it to be all hot and heavy from start to finish is unrealistic and more likely to result in pretending than real connecting.

That’s overly up-regulated, you need to down-regulate a little, or a lot.

Especially in these stress-filled times, give yourselves a break and give yourselves time to relax and unwind. Get... read more

#168: Seven Benefits of Attending a Couples Retreat

Jacqueline Hellyer - Saturday, July 30, 2016

I’m back from running another gorgeous Couples Retreat in the Blue Mountains last weekend. I’m feeling all loved up myself from being surrounded by couples celebrating their love and honouring their sexuality as an expression of that love. It really is such a wonderful experience that I want to tell you all the good reasons to attend.

I was going to write this myself, and then I received this feedback from one couple who attended - and so I figured that rather than me waxing lyrical about it, it’d be much better for you to hear from the participants themselves!

* * * * * * * * *
Hi Jacqueline,

We want to give you some formal feedback on what was an amazing weekend.

We both feel it was THE BEST investment we have ever made as a couple.

We had so much fun on the weekend but that is just a fraction of the value as we learned tools that will serve us for the rest of our lives.

(1) We were hoping it would allow us to derive more enjoyment out of our sex lives. These expectations have already... read more

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