The LoveLife Blog: guidance on mindful, bodyful, soulful loving!


#47: One Couple's "Kilimanjaro Walk" to Sexual Reconnection

Jacqueline Hellyer - Monday, February 27, 2012



I was in session with a wonderful couple recently. Like so many of my clients they really love each other, want to stay together, but the sex has waned to the point of non-existence.

With couples in this situation, there’s normally a lot of ‘undoing’ to be done before they can move forward sexually. They have to overcome the years of complacency and misunderstandings, unvoiced expectations, swallowed hurts, even to be able to come to a place of commonality from where they can stand firm together, hand in hand, looking in the same direction. Then the intimacy, eroticism and true desire can begin!

But it’s not easy. In fact, it’s hard slog. The path of reconnecting is not for the faint-hearted. You have to be vulnerable, you have to hear what you don’t want to hear, you have to bare your soul. You will feel you’re making progress, and then it will appear to crash in a heap and you have to pick yourself up and keep going.

The couple I mentioned were experiencing that, and were keeping on keeping on. They were feeling a bit despondent about it, until I explained it was a normal part of the process. Then the husband’s... read more


#27: True Intimacy

Jacqueline Hellyer - Monday, February 07, 2011



Self-help books, women’s magazines and traditional therapists extol the virtues of intimacy as the way to improve your relationship and therefore have better sex. 

The two key aspects to this intimacy are:

1) To become more connected by spending more time together, and

2) To communicate (by speaking) every little thing about yourself, and conversely listening wondrously in rapt attention agreeing in perfect accord with every utterance.

Which would imply most of us haven’t got a snowflake’s chance in hell of having a decent sex life…

Fear not. You can breathe a sigh of relief because this means that in fact you will avoid that stifling arrangement of co-dependent “intimacy” we too often think is the prerequisite for “happily ever after”.

Now certainly intimacy does require connection and communication; but it’s the “how”, the “what” and the “how much” that matters.

Let’s look at the two fundamental aspects of intimacy - connection and communication - debunk a few myths and look at what really matters.

Connection: Supposedly we need to have lots of quality time together to feel intimate. But in fact you don’t have... read more


#20: Obligation Sex is Self-Imposed Low-Level Sexual Trauma

Jacqueline Hellyer - Monday, October 18, 2010



There is a school of thought that says women should ‘just do it’. The implication being that sex really isn’t that important, it’s easy to lie there and get it over with - I guess the idea is that you can just plan the shopping list or something while he gets his necessary sexual release (as if he doesn’t have two hands available).

I find that approach abhorrent on so many levels. Most obviously, men don’t actually want obligation sex. Radical concept to some perhaps, but men actually want their partners to enjoy sex too. (Hmm, maybe men aren’t just animalist creatures wanting to get their end in?)

Less obviously, but more importantly: sex is not just sex. The vagina is exquisitely linked to a woman’s brain, her self-worth, her creativity, her joie de vivre. For her to feel good about herself and about life she needs to treat her vagina well.

A vagina that engages in gorgeous, desirable, satisfying love-making will make her owner feel wonderful. A vagina that engages in unwanted, unprepared sex (slapping on some lube is not preparation) will not make her owner feel good. The vagina is being subjected to low-level trauma and so the woman is... read more



1 2 3 4 5

Listen to the audio version - the LoveLife Podcast!

the lovelife podcast







Search

Recent Posts

Earlier Posts



Tags



Subscribe

to LOVELIFE News for regular inspiration on sex, love and intimacy!



For more great sex advice -
read my books!