The LoveLife Blog: guidance on mindful, bodyful, soulful loving!


#289: Q&A: My Husband Can't Keep an Erection, and He Smokes Lots of Marajuana

Jacqueline Hellyer - Saturday, March 28, 2020

 From my column in Body+Soul

Question
: "My husband and I have been happily married for 10 years and recently he's wanted a lot more sex. At first I thought it was great, but he can't seem to keep his erection up and I can't help but feel disappointed. He's started smoking marijuana a lot more heavily lately - could this be to blame? What can I do?" 

Answer: There is so much pressure on penises. The poor things are supposed to rise to attention on command, stay hard for hours, only ejaculate when desired - and if they can’t do that, then the sex is considered poor, he has 'failed'. No wonder so many men suffer from performance anxiety!

As a society we’re adding to that pressure with all the porn that’s being watched, with endless footage of big hard cocks that appear to last for hours (never mind the reality that there are teams of women off set whose sole role is to keep the leads hard). And even on a more positive note, now that we quite rightly acknowledge the female partner’s right to pleasure, that can also add to pressure.

So, let’s take the pressure off your partner’s penis by looking at sex... read more



#287: Q&A: My Partner Doesn't Climax from Oral Sex and I'm Worried

Jacqueline Hellyer - Saturday, March 14, 2020



From my column in Body+Soul


Question
: I’ve been seeing my new boyfriend for six months. We’re really well suited, in and out of the bedroom, but there’s something troubling me. He doesn’t climax when I go down on him. I’m 32 and haven’t encountered this before. He says he loves what I do, but I’m starting to get a bit of a complex about it. What do you think?

AnswerWe’re a little too focused on our sexual KPIs (key performance indicators) in this society. Sex has to ‘achieve’ something, it’s goal-focused, and that goal is orgasm. And not just any orgasm, a very specific peak orgasm. If you don’t achieve that, you haven’t performed up to standard. You’ve failed.

But wait up a moment, that performance approach might be appropriate in the workplace, where there are quotas and deadlines and outcomes to be met – but in the bedroom? Do we need to take that performance focus into our sex lives, with all the pressure and expectation that accompanies it? Where’s the enjoyment in that?

I say a big no to the performance model of sex! Of the countless clients I see with sexual ‘dysfunctions’, the bulk of them are actually perfectly fine,... read more



#276: Intercourse as Foreplay

Jacqueline Hellyer - Saturday, December 14, 2019



Foreplay is generally seen as what you do before you get to intercourse, to prepare yourselves (especially the woman) to be ready to receive “penetration” by the man. Intercourse is seen as a vigorous activity consisting of the man thrusting into the woman, or less frequently, the woman bouncing around on the man.



The problem with this limited view is that it assumes that:
  • Intercourse is the “main event” or “the whole point” of sex and that other activities simply lead-up to that “main event”

  • Intercourse is such a vigorous activity that plenty of preparation is required


But let’s look at this differently. Let’s take a less linear view of sex and say that:
  • Intercourse isn’t the main event, that it isn’t the whole point, that it’s just one of many elements and possibilities of sex and love-making
  • Intercourse doesn’t have to be vigorous so it doesn’t necessarily require lots of preparation
  • Intercourse can, in essence, be part of the foreplay.


Now that’s a very different point of view!

You’ll notice that I often focus on sensuality and exploring the “valleys” of sex as well as the “peaks”, and particularly on softening and making the genitals more receptive.... read more


#271: Q&A: How Do I Meet My Sexual Needs in a Sexless Marriage?

Jacqueline Hellyer - Saturday, November 09, 2019



From my column in Body+Soul


Question:
"I've just turned 60 and have been married over 35 years to a very good lady who loves me, but over the years has lost interest in sex. These days, she would happily have no sex at all, and so my advances are almost entirely rebuffed. The problem is I can’t find release myself – I’m not able to masturbate (perhaps my Catholic upbringing has locked in some guilt that stops me). My question has two parts: Is having regular erections without release bad for my health (eg my prostate)? And then… what can I do? If I can’t change my wife’s mind or learn to self-pleasure, I’m afraid I’ll start looking outside my marriage."


Answer: First up, there is no conclusive scientific evidence that men need to ejaculate for their prostate health, some studies even indicate the opposite. So, let’s get that myth out of the way and turn to the more interesting part of your question. Better still, let’s turn it around and ask the real question – why sex? There are many reasons why we desire sex. Two of the main ones are: (1) we’re feeling horny and want an orgasmic release, and (2) we want to have a pleasurable, connecting experience with... read more


#267: Q&A: How Do We Reignite Our Love Life?

Jacqueline Hellyer - Saturday, October 12, 2019



From my column in Body+Soul

Question:
"My husband and I don't 'make love' any more, we seem to just get it over with. We've been married for 15 years and are pretty happy, all things considered. But we both work, and we have two young kids (both under 10), so there's not really much time or energy left over for a raging sex life. I don't necessarily want 'firework-sex' all the time, but I do hope we can get back to being more tender, more connected, and yes, do more cuddling afterwards! Where do we start?"


Answer
: Your situation is so common. In fact, I think you’d be hard-pressed to find a couple who have been together for 15 years with young kids who haven’t had to deal with the issues of limited time and energy and the impact it has on their sex life. I see couples like you every day at my clinic. The ‘we love each other but have lost our mojo’ clients would have to be my largest category of client.

It sounds like you understand the importance of sexual connection, and want to have sex, but want better quality. That’s a great place to start, some people just give up at this stage, so it’s good... read more


#263: Make Every Stroke Count

Jacqueline Hellyer - Sunday, August 25, 2019



A client of mine who'd done my Blackbelt in the Bedroom seminar for men said that afterwards he had the best sex ever. 

He said: “I applied everything you taught us. I made every stroke count. It was unbelievable!”

I was so proud of him! What he was doing was making love with focus, presence, deep connection, and of course, with love. In this way every nuance, every moment, every stroke was meaningful.

As he said, it was mind-blowing. Deep, connected, focused sex is truly awesome.

So take his advice: make every stroke count.



Learn what this man learned, enrol in my online course for men. Click on the banner below!


read more


#262: You Can Make Love With Just a Kiss

Jacqueline Hellyer - Sunday, August 11, 2019



I often say that all the dysfunctions we have around sex are more to do with society's dysfunctional model of sex, rather than the people doing it. I've written elsewhere how the model of 'normal' sex is based on solo masturbation rather than partnered love-making. This makes it structured and linear, with success measured by action and performance, rather than being free-flowing and non-linear, with success measured by feeling and connectedness.

Since 'sex' is seen as having key KPIs of penis-in-vagina activity (god only knows what lesbians do) with requisite orgasms, all of which happens in a set linear way, it means that out of fear/awkwardness/confusion/distaste people avoid any kind of love-making or even affection so as avoid what they see as ‘sex’ - and then feel really bad about not having sex!

It’s a bit of a catch-22 type of situation.

As I pointed out to a client caught in this dilemma on her first visit recently: you can make love with just a kiss. When she returned on her next visit she looked quite different.

“So how have the last two weeks been,” I asked, my standard first question.

She looked at me, eyes aglow.... read more


#257: Simple Sex is Good Sex

Jacqueline Hellyer - Sunday, May 26, 2019




I've written elsewhere about the  three types of sex in a long-term relationship: Simple Sex, Sensual Sex and Spicy Sex. I thought I’d write a little more on Simple Sex.

In a society that focuses on the ‘bigger harder faster’ type of sex, you could be mistaken into thinking that good sex is all about swinging upside down from the chandeliers. It’s not. It can be, but sometimes it’s good to be short, sweet and simple. Just comforting, nothing more, like a cup of tea, or a hot buttered muffin.

I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately as I’m doing a joint project with Marie Stopes International. My role is to educate new parents on what to expect and how to adapt to sex when you’ve got babies and small children.

One of the key messages is: Keep It Simple. Don’t stop having sex, or as I’d prefer to stress at that time of your life, don’t stop making love, but keep your expectations low. She’s tired, zombified, probably in a mild state of shock from this major life change. He’s tired, perplexed and probably feeling a little helpless and left out. So keep your connection strong with cuddles and Simple Sex.
read more


#253: “When One is Pretending, the Whole Body Revolts”

Jacqueline Hellyer - Saturday, March 30, 2019



“When one is pretending, the whole body revolts”.

This is a brilliant quote by the early 20th century erotic author Anais Nin. What it means is: when people pretend during sex, when it's an act rather than true expression, then over time their body (and soul) revolts.

I see this revulsion often. It can be a slow decline into general disinterest, or a build up of revulsion and disgust about the sex act.

While this applies to both sexes, it particularly applies to women. This is because physically it’s easier for women to pretend and/or put up with pretense than it is for a man, and because historically under patriarchy it was the expectation that women would 'put up' with sex, so it's ingrained in our social psyche.

This ‘pretending’ can come in two forms:

1) It can be what I call “obligation sex” - when someone has sex simply because they think they “should”, that it is in some way an obligation on them. It might be to keep their partner happy (or to stop them whining about it), it might be because they think that’s part of the marriage contract, it might be because... read more


#252: Non-Linear Love-Making: the "Picnic" Approach to Sex

Jacqueline Hellyer - Saturday, March 16, 2019



The standard approach to sex is rather like a three course meal, it proceeds in set stages: you kiss a bit, fondle a bit (maybe give her an orgasm), then have vigorous intercourse until he comes. The End.

It’s not a bad model for sex, but it’s limited, and can get pretty boring over time.

I suggest you take a less lineal approach to sex and think of it less like a three-course meal and more like a picnic. At a picnic everything is available in front of you and you can pick and choose whatever you want, in whatever quantity, at whatever pace, and in whatever order you please.

So at a picnic you can have dips-quiche-pavlova if you like, but you don’t have to. You can just have dips, you can go straight to the pavlova, you can go quiche-dips-dips-quiche-pavlova-quiche-dips-pavlova. You don’t even have to eat - you can just sit and drink champagne, you’re still having a picnic.

It’s the same with sex: you can do whatever you like, in whatever order you like, at whatever pace you like, in whatever quantities you like. You can intersperse bouts of intercourse with bouts of oral or... read more


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