The LoveLife Blog: guidance on mindful, bodyful, soulful loving!

#252: Non-Linear Love-Making: the "Picnic" Approach to Sex

Jacqueline Hellyer - Saturday, March 16, 2019

The standard approach to sex is rather like a three course meal, it proceeds in set stages: you kiss a bit, fondle a bit (maybe give her an orgasm), then have vigorous intercourse until he comes. The End.

It’s not a bad model for sex, but it’s limited, and can get pretty boring over time.

I suggest you take a less lineal approach to sex and think of it less like a three-course meal and more like a picnic. At a picnic everything is available in front of you and you can pick and choose whatever you want, in whatever quantity, at whatever pace, and in whatever order you please.

So at a picnic you can have dips-quiche-pavlova if you like, but you don’t have to. You can just have dips, you can go straight to the pavlova, you can go quiche-dips-dips-quiche-pavlova-quiche-dips-pavlova. You don’t even have to eat - you can just sit and drink champagne, you’re still having a picnic.

It’s the same with sex: you can do whatever you like, in whatever order you like, at whatever pace you like, in whatever quantities you like. You can intersperse bouts of intercourse with bouts of oral or... read more

#247: Be Real, Express Freely

Jacqueline Hellyer - Saturday, December 29, 2018

There's a beautiful quote from Anais Nin:

There came a day when the flower realized that the pain of remaining tight in a bud was greater than the risk of opening up and blossoming. 

That's how people often feel about their sexuality before they come to see me. They can't bear being a tight bud any more, they can no longer deny their need to blossom. It's what I love in this work, whether it's with private clients or in the group workshops, people start to tap into their true selves and to allow themselves to be who they really are and express themselves honestly and openly.

Our sexuality is one area where many people aren’t open and honest and true to themselves. No matter how much personal development work they’ve done, if they’ve missed out this crucial part of themselves, then they’re never going to be whole and real.

You see, true sexual expression comes from a very deep part of ourselves, it’s probably the part of ourselves that is truer than any other part. Many people think our sexuality is part of our lower, animal side. I beg to disagree. I believe our sexuality is part of our... read more

#244: Gigglegasms

Jacqueline Hellyer - Saturday, November 17, 2018

Have you ever had a gigglegasm?

Do you even know what a gigglegasm is?

If you take sex too seriously, if you aren’t comfortable with letting yourself go, then you probably haven’t.

A gigglegasm is when an orgasm turns into uncontrolled laughing. It’s a wonderful thing.

As you know, I’m constantly going on about how sex is playtime for adults, that it’s too important to be taken seriously, that the best sex happens when you lighten up and play. An outcome of that approach is that you can start laughing and find it hard to stop. Great stuff!

Personally, I find gigglegasms generally happens at the end of a long love-making session when feeling high and completely spent at the same time.

One thing known to help keep people young, vital and happy (other than sex) is laughter. So when you get a gigglegasm going you get the best of both worlds – sex AND laughter.

You can have intense orgasms from sexual intensity, you can have blissed out orgasms from sexual sensuality and you can have gigglegasms from just letting go and having fun - which, by... read more

#243: Evolve with the Seven Elements of Sexuality

Jacqueline Hellyer - Saturday, November 03, 2018

Seven Elements of Sexuality

Over my years of clinical and academic involvement in sexuality (not to mention countless hours of personal ‘research’) I have identified seven underlying elements to our sexuality.

These elements are all essential to having a strong, healthy, integrated sexuality. If you are weak in any of them, your sexuality will be out of balance.

These elements are also developmental, each element includes and transcends the ones before. If you jump ahead before you’ve developed and integrated the earlier elements, that too will cause your sexuality to be out of balance.

One: Self-awareness

It all starts with you - having a positive sense of self, centred, confident, balanced in your yin and yang elements. (Of course, we are never ‘perfect’, but without a reasonable level of self-awareness and balance it is not possible to be able to engage with a partner in a healthy manner.)

I call this your ‘Lady’and ‘Gentleman’ sides, someone who is confident, centred and self-aware.

Two: Discernment

Once you've got the hang of yourself, you need take that forward and 'meet' your partner - with equality, assessing for worthiness, identifying boundaries, co-creating safety so you can then explore... read more

#230: Sink In to Sync In

Jacqueline Hellyer - Sunday, April 15, 2018

It's Autumn, the “season of mists and mellow fruitfulness” to quote Keats - a time of ripening and reaching fulfillment. Mmm, doesn’t that sound so sexual!

It’s not an intense, fiery time of year though and I don’t advocate an overly intense approach to sex.

Too many people go too far too quick, rushing into it, without allowing the time for the ‘ripening’ in order to achieve real sexual fulfillment.

Truly awesome sex always takes connection, a 'sinking in' within oneself and with each other. It’s different from the rapid-fire approach to sexual excitation, which is the more “normal” mode in this society. With this sinking in comes a ‘syncing in’, where you can let go and really feel each other, really tune in - and for a while the two can indeed become 'one'.

This is so different to the performance approach so many people are trapped in, with each person in their head, wondering if they’re doing the 'right' thing or responding in the 'right' way, or thinking about something else entirely and wishing it was all over!

With sinking in to sync in, it’s not about the head, it’s about two bodies moving in... read more

#227: The Adolescent Male Masturbatory Model of Sex

Jacqueline Hellyer - Saturday, March 10, 2018

For generations we raised our girl children to think they’re not sexual, that they shouldn’t be sexual, and if they were sexual - stoning or burning them to death or locking them away in insane asylums. Women didn’t have a chance to explore their sexuality, and neither did their partners.

So, with no alternative, when a man married he basically kept on doing with his wife what he’d been doing with himself for years - masturbating. Since puberty the adolescent boy had been stroking his penis as fast as he could until he ejaculated. So when he got a female partner, not knowing any better, he kept doing that inside her.

Essentially men were masturbating inside their wives.

So the standard approach has three parts:
  1.    Find yourself aroused - you have to be horny before you start
  2.    Stroke genitals rapidly - it's all about the shagging
  3.    Have an orgasm - we all know the 'rule' that sex ends when the man ejaculates - right?
I call this the Adolescent Male Masturbatory (AMM) Model of Sex.

It’s what we in the West have done for millennia.

... read more

#222 Project 'Great Sex'

Jacqueline Hellyer - Sunday, December 31, 2017

It's the new year, a time for committing to bettering yourself. What better area of life to commit to focusing on than your love life?!

Whether you're single or partnered, we can all focus on that fundamentally important contributor to health, happiness and well-being - your sexuality!

So I'd like to suggest you commit to a Year of Great Sex! Let's call it your 'Great Sex' Project.

The Great Sex Project for Couples
In other places I’ve written about Consensual Non-Monotony. It's a play on words as I've also written about Consensual Non-Monogamy. The latter term describes how to have a successful non-monogamous relationship, but since most people choose to be monogamous, the trick is to overcome the biggest problem with long-term monogamous relationships – monotony - hence the term Consensual Non-Monotony. The important point here is that it's got to be consensual, that is, you both have to agree to be non-monotonous and you both have to commit to doing whatever it takes to have an on-going, great sex life. Make it a project! Why not? You have renovation projects together, holiday projects together, get healthier projects together, so why not a better sex project?

If... read more

#218: The Bedroom is for Expression, Not Suppression

Jacqueline Hellyer - Saturday, December 02, 2017

Sex is one of the great forms of human self-expression. It's a place where creativity, physical movement, pleasure and joy can manifest, just like the other forms of human expression - music, art, design, dance, cooking, sport, even writing. 

But people don’t often see sex as self-expression. More often sex has so much attached to it that there is more suppression around it than expression.

Hindered by all the myths around sex in our society, caught up in our heads about what we should or shouldn’t be doing, about what’s right or wrong, confusion about expectations and obligations, sex often is more fraught with fearing than open to freeing.

Think about your own sex life: is there more expression or suppression? Would you describe it more as fearful or freeing? If it’s further down the negative end, what can you do to start shifting it to the positive?

• Is it shifts in your head? Do you need to change your way of thinking?

• Is it shifts in your heart? Do you need to change your way of relating?

• Is it shifts in your gut?... read more

#217: The Three Types of Sex All Couples Need

Jacqueline Hellyer - Saturday, November 18, 2017

I like to divide sexual encounters in a long-term relationship into three types:

Simple Sex – short and comforting
Sensual Sex - luscious and bonding
Spicy Sex – exciting and adventurous

Simple Sex, also known as Cup of Tea Sex, is that nice snuggle under the covers, nothing unexpected, nothing wild. You know each other, you know what works, you have a satisfying time. No great fireworks, but it’s good. Like a cup of tea: simple, warm and comforting.

But a sexual diet of just Simple Sex is pretty dull. And if there’s not a good connection, it will feel empty.

Sensual Sex is when you take the time to create a gorgeous atmosphere and take the time to enjoys each others’ bodies in a sensual and loving manner. In this way the sex becomes very connecting, very bonding, very deep. This is the essence of Tantric sex, and with practice can lead to ecstatic states of being.

Which is wonderful and wholesome, but can do with some spicing up at times.

Spicy Sex is when you push your boundaries and do things that you find a real turn on (if... read more

#202: Seven Benefits of Attending A LoveLife Couples Tantra Retreat

Jacqueline Hellyer - Sunday, July 23, 2017

 Taking a break together is always a good thing to do, helping you relax and rejuvenate and hopefully have some quality sexy time away from the stresses of everyday life.

 So why would you add a couples retreat to your time away? What are the benefits to you of going to one of my LoveLife Couples Retreats?

 Well, where do I start?! Feeling the love and connection in the group and seeing the couples blossom is an experience that’s hard to put into words.

 But I’ll try...

 1.  Learn the Tantric approach to sex, its physiological basis, and why it’s so important for modern lovers.
I love the way science is reaffirming ancient wisdom in so many ways, particularly when it comes to sex. The Tantric approach is essentially good sex - connected, erotic, intimate. It’s about slowing down so that you’re in the chill zone, as good sex is not possible if you’re stressed; it’s about ‘syncing in to sink in’ as you can’t have good sex if you’re not connected; and it’s about being mindful, as you can’t have good sex if you’re not present to the experience.

In the retreats I explain the theory and present the practices in a way that is appropriate for contemporary... read more

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