The LoveLife Blog: guidance on mindful, bodyful, soulful loving!

#201: Make Sex Your Hobby

Jacqueline Hellyer - Sunday, July 16, 2017

What is a hobby? According to the dictionary it’s “an activity done regularly in one’s leisure time for pleasure.” That sounds like sex to me!

We all know that it’s good for couples to have a mutual hobby - cooking, gardening, sport, travel, outdoor recreation, decorating, traveling, study. It gives us something to talk about, to experiment with and to enjoy together.

You’re being intimate anyway, so why not give your sex life the same focus and attention that you give any hobby?

When you acknowledge that sexual intimacy can be your mutual hobby,  you can approach it like any other hobby - enjoyably! There is enjoyment in the thinking about it, the planning, the discussing, the reflecting, the researching, and of course, in the doing.

It’s just as if, say, scuba diving were your mutual hobby. In that case you’d do courses together, set aside time to go diving, plan your dive trips, enjoy talking about the diving afterwards. You’d read books or blogs, listen to podcasts and watch videos about diving. You’d buy diving equipment and browse online diving websites to find out more. You’d have friends who were interested in diving too and you could enjoy talking... read more

#200: Partnered Sex is Not Solo Sex for Two

Jacqueline Hellyer - Sunday, July 09, 2017

...which means it’s not about “getting each other off”.

Solo sex is about having an orgasm, experimentation, self-education or any number of things, but it’s not about sharing.

Partnered sex is about sharing pleasure.


Maybe not necessarily all the time.

Sometimes you do want partnered sex to be a nice quickie with a satisfying orgasm, just as solo sex can be about languid pleasure rather than a quick orgasm.

However, too many people seem to think that sex is all about giving their partner an orgasm. Time and time again clients tell me that if their partner doesn’t have an orgasm then they themselves feel inadequate. Given that the media is always going on about orgasms, it’s not surprising that people fall for this misconception.

And of course, orgasms are great! But that’s not why you have sex with someone else. If you want just an orgasm, do it yourself! It’s generally quicker and less complicated.

The whole point of having a partner is to connect.

It’s the connection that gives the sexual encounter meaning and deeper satisfaction. If your focus is orgasm, then effectively you’re just masturbating with each other. Now... read more

#184: Third Level Love-Making

Jacqueline Hellyer - Saturday, December 03, 2016


There’s a wise old saying about spiritual and personal growth:

First there is the mountain

Then there is no mountain

Then there is the mountain again.

What this means is that you have normality, then that disappears while you grow and experience its opposite, and then a new normality comes back again as you integrate the experiences of personal growth.

This ’new’ reality is never the same reality as the one you had before - it might look the same to a casual observer but your experience of it is quite different.

If we’re talking about sex and intimacy, and human sexual potential, then the process is the same as for spiritual growth.

At first we do standard sex, which generally means focusing on the physical, and ironically, it also means doing sex in our heads. You’ll have heard me describe this in various ways: the performance model of sex, the Three Course Meal approach to sex, the Male Adolescent Masturbatoryapproach  to sex.

This is Level One Sex, where you focus on the ‘peaks’ of sex, the ‘bigger-harder-faster’ approach. Level one sex is about technique, sexual... read more

#176: Sex Therapy & Couples Retreats- What to do if You have a Reluctant Partner

Jacqueline Hellyer - Saturday, September 24, 2016


So often people contact me to say that they want to come in for therapy and coaching sessions, or that they want to attend one of my workshops….but their partner doesn’t.

“How can I persuade him/her to come along?” they plead.

It’s a tricky one. You love your partner and you want to improve your sexual connection and through that your life together. You are willing to open up to in private sessions, or expose yourself to some degree in a group situation (not literally, my workshops are decidedly clothes on!), yet your partner is reluctant.

There are a number of reasons why your partner might be reluctant:

-S/He thinks you’ve got the problem not them;
-S/He assumes anything to do with sex will be sordid and so doesn’t want to be involved;
-S/He doesn’t think sex is important so can’t see why you’d want to change or improve anything;
-S/He is unwilling to go to sex therapy because they are too embarrassed to talk about sex in front of another person, even a professional psychosexual therapist;
-S/He is unwilling to attend a workshop or retreat because they think it’ll be embarrassing.
read more

#168: Seven Benefits of Attending a Couples Retreat

Jacqueline Hellyer - Saturday, July 30, 2016

I’m back from running another gorgeous Couples Retreat in the Blue Mountains last weekend. I’m feeling all loved up myself from being surrounded by couples celebrating their love and honouring their sexuality as an expression of that love. It really is such a wonderful experience that I want to tell you all the good reasons to attend.

I was going to write this myself, and then I received this feedback from one couple who attended - and so I figured that rather than me waxing lyrical about it, it’d be much better for you to hear from the participants themselves!

* * * * * * * * *
Hi Jacqueline,

We want to give you some formal feedback on what was an amazing weekend.

We both feel it was THE BEST investment we have ever made as a couple.

We had so much fun on the weekend but that is just a fraction of the value as we learned tools that will serve us for the rest of our lives.

(1) We were hoping it would allow us to derive more enjoyment out of our sex lives. These expectations have already... read more

#167: Ban Penetration! - the word, not the act

Jacqueline Hellyer - Saturday, July 23, 2016

…the word that is, not the act.

I detest the use of the word “penetration” in relation to intercourse.

It’s such an aggressive term. Think about it: what’s a woman going to do if she’s about to be penetrated by a penis? Raise the barricades! Batten down the hatches! Start defensive maneuvers! She’s certainly not going to open up, invite in and welcome the penis into her depths.

I’ve helped numerous women overcome their fear of sex, painful intercourse and vaginismus simply by changing their language around sex.

Even for women without sexual fears, thinking about intercourse as penetration can cause a hardening of the vagina and tensing of the genital area. And causes her to guard herself against the man.

For good sex you want the woman to open herself to her man and invite him in. She needs to be good and ready so that she really wants his penis inside her. If she’s not ready and yearning for it then sex is not going to be good.

Good sex is about two people connecting. The penis enters the vagina and the vagina envelops and... read more

#163: Toys for Grown-Ups

Jacqueline Hellyer - Saturday, June 11, 2016

I’m always stressing that sex is playtime for grown-ups. Sex is about sharing pleasure. That means being creative and experimental and generally having fun with the whole thing.

One element of playtime is…toys! Yes, just as kids can play with toys, so can we grown-ups. It’s fun!

Occasionally people say to me, ‘But it’s unnatural to use sex toys’. Oh for heaven’s sake, so is using a toothbrush, but I’m sure you use one every day.

In fact I doubt sex toys are ‘unnatural’ at all, I’m sure they go back as long as humans have existed. One of the outstanding features of humans is our ability to be creative and devise tools and gadgets. Phallic shaped artefacts have been found all over the world from ancient times, and while the archeologists might call them ‘objects of worship’ or similar, I’m quite sure they had a more ‘practical’ use as well…

These days there are a huge number of toys available for us to play with:
  • There are various vibrators for clitoral stimulation, vibrators and dildos for internal stimulation (front and back-door, for him as well as her – if you’re up for it, and there’s absolutely no... read more

  • #158 Let’s Talk About Our Sex

    Jacqueline Hellyer - Friday, April 29, 2016

    I was chatting with an attractive woman in her mid-40s at a party recently. She’d told me that after a brief disastrous marriage she hadn’t been able to successfully ‘do’ the relationship thing, as she put it, so she was fascinated to hear about my work and life.

    After a while she got a puzzled look on her face and asked hesitantly: “Do you two talk about your sex life?”

    “Why, yes, of course we do,” I replied.

    “So do you, like, talk about what you like and don’t like and that sort of stuff,” she asked with curiosity.


    “And do you schedule sex, do you plan it?”


    She mused on this a while, then said with wide-eyed amazement: “So for you two sex is like a hobby! Something you talk about and plan and discuss…”

    “Well, yes,” I smiled, “you could say it’s our hobby.”

    “Wow,” she said thoughtfully, “I always thought sex was something that had to be secretive and furtive, something that just had to ‘happen’…. No wonder my relationships never worked!” read more

    #145: Finger Finesse

    Jacqueline Hellyer - Thursday, November 05, 2015


    A clitoral orgasm is a very fine thing.  It can leave you drained though.

    If you approach clitoral orgasm like a male ejaculatory orgasm, then it becomes about a build-up of localised sensation leading to an explosive orgasm where you feel an outward burst of energy. Momentarily pleasurable, but often flat afterwards, and you’re generally not able to continue lovemaking afterwards (whether alone or with a partner). You feel kind of, well, done.

    A far better way to approach clitoral orgasm is the slow build, allowing arousal to rise and fall, losing yourself in the pleasure of the sensation moment by moment. Then when the orgasm arrives, you open to it and fall into it. There is no tension, there is no grasping for the orgasm, and there is no sense of forcing it. It’s a welling up and releasing. And that releasing feels more than just genital, as though your whole body is washed with warmth and pleasure.

    Then you can leave your hand (or your partner’s) over your clitoris, just touching it lightly without movement, palm over your pubis, as you relax into the feeling and allow the waves of pleasure to wash over you. This can help maintain the... read more

    #141: ‘Invitation’ not ‘Penetration’

    Jacqueline Hellyer - Friday, September 18, 2015

    “Batten down the hatches! Prepare for penetration!!”

    It’s not exactly how a woman wants to feel when in the throes of sexual pleasure.

    For maximum pleasure we need to be accepting and welcoming, not tensing and preparing for combat. Yet the language we use around sex, encourages the latter not the former.

    Penetration is such an aggressive term, implying force. So ‘penetrative sex’ sounds as though something has to be broken down to get through. If the focus is going to be on the penis, then we could term it ‘insertion sex’, which is less aggressive than ‘penetration’, or even better ‘entering sex’, which has no aggressive sound to it at all.

    But why are we focusing on the masculine genitals anyway? The female genitals are equally important to sex!

    What’s important from the female side? Certainly not ‘resistance’, which tends to be the response to ‘penetration’.

    How about ‘invitation’? When the vagina is ready, she invites the penis in. On receiving the invitation, the penis accepts with appreciation and chivalrously makes his way in.

    There is such a world of difference between a penis penetrating a vagina and a vagina inviting in a penis, even if the physical act... read more

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