...which means it’s not about “getting each other off”.
Solo sex is about having an orgasm, experimentation, self-education or any number of things, but it’s not about sharing.
Partnered sex is about sharing pleasure.
Maybe not necessarily all the time.
Sometimes you do want partnered sex to be a nice quickie with a satisfying orgasm, just as solo sex can be about languid pleasure rather than a quick orgasm.
However, too many people seem to think that sex is all about giving their partner an orgasm. Time and time again clients tell me that if their partner doesn’t have an orgasm then they themselves feel inadequate. Given that the media is always going on about orgasms, it’s not surprising that people fall for this misconception.
And of course, orgasms are great! But that’s not why you have sex with someone else. If you want just an orgasm, do it yourself! It’s generally quicker and less complicated.
The whole point of having a partner is to connect.
It’s the connection that gives the sexual encounter meaning and deeper satisfaction. If your focus is orgasm, then effectively you’re just masturbating with each other. Now... read more
The LoveLife Blog: guidance on mindful, bodyful, soulful loving!
There’s a wise old saying about spiritual and personal growth:
First there is the mountain
Then there is no mountain
Then there is the mountain again.
What this means is that you have normality, then that disappears while you grow and experience its opposite, and then a new normality comes back again as you integrate the experiences of personal growth.
This ’new’ reality is never the same reality as the one you had before - it might look the same to a casual observer but your experience of it is quite different.
If we’re talking about sex and intimacy, and human sexual potential, then the process is the same as for spiritual growth.
This is Level One Sex, where you focus on the ‘peaks’ of sex, the ‘bigger-harder-faster’ approach. Level one sex is about technique, sexual... read more
So often people contact me to say that they want to come in for therapy and coaching sessions, or that they want to attend one of my workshops….but their partner doesn’t.
“How can I persuade him/her to come along?” they plead.
It’s a tricky one. You love your partner and you want to improve your sexual connection and through that your life together. You are willing to open up to in private sessions, or expose yourself to some degree in a group situation (not literally, my workshops are decidedly clothes on!), yet your partner is reluctant.
There are a number of reasons why your partner might be reluctant:
-S/He assumes anything to do with sex will be sordid and so doesn’t want to be involved;
-S/He doesn’t think sex is important so can’t see why you’d want to change or improve anything;
-S/He is unwilling to go to sex therapy because they are too embarrassed to talk about sex in front of another person, even a professional psychosexual therapist;
-S/He is unwilling to attend a workshop or retreat because they think it’ll be embarrassing.
I’m back from running another gorgeous Couples Retreat in the Blue Mountains last weekend. I’m feeling all loved up myself from being surrounded by couples celebrating their love and honouring their sexuality as an expression of that love. It really is such a wonderful experience that I want to tell you all the good reasons to attend.
I was going to write this myself, and then I received this feedback from one couple who attended - and so I figured that rather than me waxing lyrical about it, it’d be much better for you to hear from the participants themselves!
We want to give you some formal feedback on what was an amazing weekend.
We both feel it was THE BEST investment we have ever made as a couple.
We had so much fun on the weekend but that is just a fraction of the value as we learned tools that will serve us for the rest of our lives.
(1) We were hoping it would allow us to derive more enjoyment out of our sex lives. These expectations have already... read more
…the word that is, not the act.
I detest the use of the word “penetration” in relation to intercourse.
It’s such an aggressive term. Think about it: what’s a woman going to do if she’s about to be penetrated by a penis? Raise the barricades! Batten down the hatches! Start defensive maneuvers! She’s certainly not going to open up, invite in and welcome the penis into her depths.
I’ve helped numerous women overcome their fear of sex, painful intercourse and vaginismus simply by changing their language around sex.
Even for women without sexual fears, thinking about intercourse as penetration can cause a hardening of the vagina and tensing of the genital area. And causes her to guard herself against the man.
For good sex you want the woman to open herself to her man and invite him in. She needs to be good and ready so that she really wants his penis inside her. If she’s not ready and yearning for it then sex is not going to be good.
Good sex is about two people connecting. The penis enters the vagina and the vagina envelops and... read more
I’m always stressing that sex is playtime for grown-ups. Sex is about sharing pleasure. That means being creative and experimental and generally having fun with the whole thing.
One element of playtime is…toys! Yes, just as kids can play with toys, so can we grown-ups. It’s fun!
Occasionally people say to me, ‘But it’s unnatural to use sex toys’. Oh for heaven’s sake, so is using a toothbrush, but I’m sure you use one every day.
In fact I doubt sex toys are ‘unnatural’ at all, I’m sure they go back as long as humans have existed. One of the outstanding features of humans is our ability to be creative and devise tools and gadgets. Phallic shaped artefacts have been found all over the world from ancient times, and while the archeologists might call them ‘objects of worship’ or similar, I’m quite sure they had a more ‘practical’ use as well…
There are various vibrators for clitoral stimulation, vibrators and dildos for internal stimulation (front and back-door, for him as well as her – if you’re up for it, and there’s absolutely no... read more
I was chatting with an attractive woman in her mid-40s at a party recently. She’d told me that after a brief disastrous marriage she hadn’t been able to successfully ‘do’ the relationship thing, as she put it, so she was fascinated to hear about my work and life.
After a while she got a puzzled look on her face and asked hesitantly: “Do you two talk about your sex life?”
“Why, yes, of course we do,” I replied.
“And do you schedule sex, do you plan it?”
She mused on this a while, then said with wide-eyed amazement: “So for you two sex is like a hobby! Something you talk about and plan and discuss…”
“Well, yes,” I smiled, “you could say it’s our hobby.”
“Wow,” she said thoughtfully, “I always thought sex was something that had to be secretive and furtive, something that just had to ‘happen’…. No wonder my relationships never worked!”
A clitoral orgasm is a very fine thing. It can leave you drained though.
If you approach clitoral orgasm like a male ejaculatory orgasm, then it becomes about a build-up of localised sensation leading to an explosive orgasm where you feel an outward burst of energy. Momentarily pleasurable, but often flat afterwards, and you’re generally not able to continue lovemaking afterwards (whether alone or with a partner). You feel kind of, well, done.
A far better way to approach clitoral orgasm is the slow build, allowing arousal to rise and fall, losing yourself in the pleasure of the sensation moment by moment. Then when the orgasm arrives, you open to it and fall into it. There is no tension, there is no grasping for the orgasm, and there is no sense of forcing it. It’s a welling up and releasing. And that releasing feels more than just genital, as though your whole body is washed with warmth and pleasure.
Then you can leave your hand (or your partner’s) over your clitoris, just touching it lightly without movement, palm over your pubis, as you relax into the feeling and allow the waves of pleasure to wash over you. This can help maintain the... read more
“Batten down the hatches! Prepare for penetration!!”
It’s not exactly how a woman wants to feel when in the throes of sexual pleasure.
For maximum pleasure we need to be accepting and welcoming, not tensing and preparing for combat. Yet the language we use around sex, encourages the latter not the former.
But why are we focusing on the masculine genitals anyway? The female genitals are equally important to sex!
What’s important from the female side? Certainly not ‘resistance’, which tends to be the response to ‘penetration’.
How about ‘invitation’? When the vagina is ready, she invites the penis in. On receiving the invitation, the penis accepts with appreciation and chivalrously makes his way in.
There is such a world of difference between a penis penetrating a vagina and a vagina inviting in a penis, even if the physical act... read more
As impressive as a 10” might be in all its erect glory, that alone will not bring female satisfaction. Fortunately for average to smaller guys, life is not a porn movie, and while a woman might gasp in shock at the sight of a mammoth member, she won’t be gasping in pleasure unless it’s wielded right.
Well guys, I’d be lying if I said size didn’t matter at all. The good news is that how you use it is much more important than how big it is.
To know what to do with it requires some understanding of female anatomy. Let’s start with the most sensitive spot of all, the clitoris. Now you don’t need a penis at all to bring a woman exquisite pleasure there, since it’s on the outside. So in terms of the most pleasurable spot of all, size really doesn’t matter, in fact having a penis doesn’t matter.
Knowing how to stimulate the clitoris is far more important to being a great lover than any number of penetration techniques, but since you’re a man and you do have a penis and no doubt are concerned how your size affects your performance, let’s look at what’s inside.
Moving on in, most of the nerve endings are... read more
- #332: Be Conscious Not Complacent
- #331: It's OK to Disappoint Your Partner
- #330: Moans & Groans – why sound is good in sex and how to make more
- #329: Gateways to the Erotic Shift
- #328: Safety is Sexy
- #327: Pace Your Sexual Interactions
- #326: Fly on the Wall Friday - my new Video Series
- #325: When Things Get Wobbly Assume the Best and Get Curious
- #324: How Alike do You Need to be to Have a Good Relationship
- #323: Be "At Home" in Your Body
- #322: Don't Ever Stop Kissing
- #321: Consent From the Inside
- #320: How to Say No Without It Feeling Like Rejection
- #319: The Benefits of a Great Love Life Part 3: Sexual Transformation
- #318: The Benefits of a Great Love Life Part 2: Relational Transformation
to LOVELIFE News for regular inspiration on sex, love and intimacy!