The LoveLife Blog: guidance on mindful, bodyful, soulful loving!

#190: Being Sexually Receptive is Not Being Sexually Passive

Jacqueline Hellyer - Saturday, February 18, 2017

To awaken your body to subtlety and exquisite sensation, you need to have heightened sensitivity. This takes strong connection and deep feeling. There’s no way you’d get that level of connection and feeling through being passive.

For women in particular, as I wrote recently in the post on Awakening Your Vagina, so many of us have become so hardened vaginally through intense sexual encounters of a very physical kind, that we can’t feel. That means sex requires more intensity to produce feeling, which over time often means women lose interest in sex because they’re not really feeling it, or it takes so much effort to feel anything it’s not worth it. Well meaning partners might try harder and harder to create interest and response in their lover, but unfortunately they’re doing the opposite to what is required to waken their lover’s body and spirit to true feeling.

Our society’s focus on what is quite an asexual approach to sex doesn’t help, particularly since it’s limited to a very masturbatory approach to sex, being about strong libido, vigorous genital engagement and explosive orgasms. This approach is all about doing rather than feeling, so people try harder to ‘do’ something, rather than simply receiving. This is tiring and disconnecting and doesn’t... read more

#161: The Sexual Glutton vs The Sexual Gourmet

Jacqueline Hellyer - Sunday, May 29, 2016

I was chatting to a good friend recently who, like many people, loves sex and loves the general topic of sex. He was musing on whether he might possibly be a sex addict given that he’s so fascinated, possibly even obsessed, by the topic. My reply was: “I hope not, because that would make me one too!”

It got me thinking, because I have done on-line “Are you a Sex Addict’ type quizzes, and according to some of them I certainly would be a sex addict because thinking about sex takes up so much of my time and sex in general plays such a big part of my life.

But there’s a big problem with these quizzes, and this extends to our attitude to sex in general, and that is that the questioning tends to be around the quantity of sex or sex-related activity and thought, rather than the quality. Lots of sex does not a sex addict make. It’s the approach that matters.

I got to thinking about a food analogy. I often use food analogies when talking about sexual issues. I do this mainly to remove the social stigmas, assumptions, beliefs, and so forth, that get in the way of assessing sexuality in a non-judgemental manner.... read more

#155: Relax Into Orgasm

Jacqueline Hellyer - Thursday, March 17, 2016

Relax your hips,

relax your buttocks,

relax your abdomen,


and feel…,

That’s how you experience sensational sex, fully sensing the experience.

Whether you’re engaged in love-making that is soft and tender, intense slam-fucking, or anywhere else on the very wide spectrum of sexual sensation, relaxing your muscles, remembering to breathe, allowing openness throughout your body and through that connection between the two of you leads to…

…delicious, pleasurable, gorgeous sensation.

Continue that into orgasm, and well, just try it.

It might take a while to break the habit of tension, but when you do, it’s a whole new ball-game… read more

#153: It All Starts With a Kiss…

Jacqueline Hellyer - Thursday, February 18, 2016

Lips part, faces draw near, lips touch. 

Close your eyes and imagine this, feel it, fully present in your lips, in your tongue. 

Your lips are soft, testing, sensing. Your mouth is relaxed, your tongue gentle.

Gently, gently kiss. How much sensation is there in that gentleness? Your lips are alive, they are the predominant sense organ of the moment.

Feel how the subtlety creates so much strength of feeling, all though out your body.

Feel how that softness allows your body to awaken, how it allows you to sink in to the feeling of softening, opening, receiving, joining.

Feel how that connection through your lips atunes you to your partner.

Be aware, through your lips, of your own and your partner’s feeling. Allow yourself to submit to the flow of the kiss. Let your lips dance together, tease, explore.

Include the tongue if that feels right in the moment, soft, testing, always relaxed. Your tongue too, a sensory organ feeling and transmitting pleasure to the whole of your body.

Take your time. There is no rush, there is no sense... read more

#131: Make Love Like You’re Playing An Instrument For Ultimate Sensual Pleasure

Jacqueline Hellyer - Tuesday, June 30, 2015

I was watching a video of 2Cellos playing recently. So erotic! So voyeuristic - like watching them have sex with their instruments.

I have always found the cello to be a particularly erotic instrument - the size of it and the way it’s held is so lover-like. But I find the interaction between any musician and instrument sexual - whether it be a tiny piccolo or an enormous harp, tuba or marimba (if you don’t know what a marimba is, look it up, it’s like a huge xylophone, and I once saw the most amazing marimba performance - the musician was all over his instrument - glorious!).

It goes way beyond technique, which is important, but what makes music glorious is the connection. It’s the way the musician takes their instrument and controls it utterly, yet is in exquisite unison with the instrument. The musician lets him or herself go to the instrument and the music they are co-creating, there is a perfect merging.

The better the merging, the more complete the unison, the more sublime the music. Whatever the type of music is being played, whether it’s sweet sonatas or heavy metal.

Virtuoso... read more

#108: The Sensual Dom(me)

Jacqueline Hellyer - Monday, December 15, 2014

Sensual, tantric play heightens pleasure and so can kinky play. Put the two together and you go places - to Sub-Space and Dom-Space.

Playing with dominance and submission is about playing with the yin and yang of sexuality. When done with extreme connection and respect it is a beautiful experience.

Many people have concerns about dominance and submission because it harks back to the bad old days when women had no choice but to be submissive to men, in all areas of life. As I’ve explained in my previous blog articles (see A History of Sexual Misinformation), the imbalance between the masculine and feminine in society led to a servile feminine sexuality serving an overly dominant masculine sexuality. True Dominant-Submissive play requires a meeting of equals, there’s no servility required (at least, not on the Sub’s part, you could argue that in fact it’s the Dom(me) who is serving the Sub).

What we’re really talking about is ‘command’ and ‘receptivity’. It is not gender-related, a woman can be a Domme as much as a man can be a Dom, and plenty of people are Switches, that is, they like to take both roles. Although most people will have an erotic preference, that is, one role will be more erotically moving for... read more

#102: Sensual Non-Monogamy

Jacqueline Hellyer - Tuesday, September 23, 2014

I consider myself sexually monogamous, but sensually non-monogamous.

What I mean by that is that I keep my genitals to myself and my partner. For me that’s ‘sacred zone’ just for us. I have no desire to share that part of myself with anyone else.

But there’s so much more available to share and enjoy with others when you go beyond the genitals. As I say so often, sexuality is so much more than engaging our nether regions.

I have been called a sexual energy slut, and it’s probably true. I love to bathe in the sexual energy of others.

It gets quite Sapphic with women - holding the gaze while feeling the flow of energy between us; touching their soft skin so lightly; the gentle brush of feminine lip on lip. There is a sense of suffusion of feeling that then gathers more obviously into a sublime flow of sexual energy within and without.

With men the energy is different, stronger. I tend to feel it more directly in the lower chakras, from there it rises and diffuses throughout my body. The touch of a man, energetically or physically is masculine, and feeds my femininity.

It is... read more

#97: Plugging In - Sex Without Movement

Jacqueline Hellyer - Tuesday, June 10, 2014

Have you ever tried having sex without any intention to orgasm? Without even moving?

Try it, in fact try it regularly – just lie together, penis inside vagina, and do nothing.

That’s it.

Not much to it really.

For genitals more used to intensity and vigour, you might not feel much at first as you’ve trained yourself to need intensity to feel sensation. Yet over time you will start to wake your genitals up. The vagina and the penis will start to feel again. They’ll start to feel subtlety, and from there comes exquisiteness of sensation.

It’s lovely to do this in spoon position, lying on your sides with her back to his front. He embraces her body with his body on the outside, and she embraces his penis with her vagina on the inside. Or you can do it lying facing each other, gazing softly into each others eyes as you do so.

You can both squeeze your pelvic floor muscles now and again to keep the erection, but move as little as possible. Not that you even need an erection for this, soft entry can be just as lovely.

... read more

#95: Learning Tantra in Paradise

Jacqueline Hellyer - Tuesday, May 27, 2014

I have just had one of the most amazing experiences of my life - running the first ever five-day Luscious Lovers Retreat in Bali!

It’s hard to describe how wonderful it has been to spend that amount of time with ten couples all committed to deepening their connection and creating more beautiful and gorgeous sexual relating.

The venue was perfect, the food was amazing. We had our own private villa looking out over rice paddies and bamboo groves. With evocative music, the atmosphere was potent and moving. Everyone loved it.

As one participant said: “You don’t ‘instruct’, rather you entice us into the most beautiful space of lushness.” 

I don’t think she could have given me a greater compliment!

To inspire you a touch more, here’s what one of the other participants reported:

"We want to thank you so very much for the most wonderful week in paradise, both literally and metaphorically. Having been to your workshops previously we knew for sure that we were in for a week of lusciousness, but our week with you in Bali was more gloriously luscious and inspiring than we could have imagined. 

You... read more

#53: Tantric Kink

Jacqueline Hellyer - Monday, May 28, 2012

I love Tantra and I love elements of kink.    The two combined are what I call Sensual Kink, and I don't think it gets much better than that. So with the current interest in kink that's been generated by the overwhelming popularity of the 50 Shades of Grey trilogy, I thought I might share my thoughts.

To me, Tantra and Kink are at one end of a spectrum; and the alcohol-fueled model of sex, along with porn and raunch culture, are at the other. The former are about depth and connection, resulting in ecstatic and altered states of consciousness; and the latter is about superficiality and a performance-style sexuality that has little if any positive outcome from what I can see.

I know my kinky side has been there since I was a five-year old getting turned on by a cartoon of Donald Duck pegging his nephews by their tails to a rotating clothes-line and spanking their bottoms as it turned. I didn’t even know what that feeling was, but it’s etched into my memory. You could also claim that my years of martial arts training, spending hour upon hour being belted into the floor and feeling elated from it, was a form of sadomasochism. But I didn’t truly discover my kinky side until I... read more

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