The LoveLife Blog: guidance on mindful, bodyful, soulful loving!


#308: How To Give (and Receive) An Erotic Spanking

Jacqueline Hellyer - Sunday, December 06, 2020


A spanking can be deliciously erotic.

When it’s done well.

And that means sensually…

And of course with consent.

So, how do you give a good spanking?

You can add the odd spank to your regular sex play, or you can set up a whole spanking scene. Like this:

The lead-up is important, the spankee has to be in the right space to want the spanking. Their bum needs to be swinging or jiggling in anticipation.

Ask the spankee to assume a position where their bottom is sticking out: that could be leaning against a wall, over the arm of a chair, on all fours on the bed, even over your lap if that is mutually arousing.

Depending on your shared eroticism, the spanking could be part of a role play or it could be a delicious part of your mutual pleasure.

Warm the spankee’s bottom up first with rubs and very light spanks. This gets the blood to the surface and reduces the painful element.

You can rub over the rest of their body too for a whole body experience, or just focus on the bottom.

When you feel the spankee is ready, start with one medium level spank. Watch their reaction. Go back to the rubbing and fondling. Pause. Give another medium level spank. Watch their reaction.... read more



#296: The Sex Store in Your Pantry

Jacqueline Hellyer - Sunday, June 14, 2020



Adult shops these days can be classy, tasteful, staffed by friendly well-informed assistants, full of a huge range of products to titillate and pleasure. They’re great.

But you know what? You can find a whole heap of stuff in your own home that you can bring into the bedroom to augment your love play.

Come, let’s look around your house to see what goodies we can find…

In the Kitchen

Let’s start in the kitchen.

You can find some great implements for sensation play here. What can you see that you could run over your partner’s skin? Forks are fabulous. Other pronged implements such as a spaghetti ladle, skewers, (blunt) knives. Experiment with the sharpness, it can be quite delightful (or not, in which case don’t). Or something smooth perhaps? Try the back of spoons of different sizes, ladle or teaspoon. Warm them up in hot water to add the element of heat for some temperature play.*

On the subject of temperature play, you can’t go past ice for thrilling sensation - run it over your partner’s skin, hold it in particularly sensitive spots, make your mouth cold with it then lick, kiss or suck various parts of your partner’s body. (Random tip, run an... read more


#291 Q&A: My Wife Won't Pleasure Herself in Front of Me

Jacqueline Hellyer - Sunday, April 12, 2020



From my column in Body+Soul

Question: "My wife and I have been married for 10 years. We have a great sex life and we tell each other everything - so why won't she masturbate in front of me? I think that it's hot and would bring us closer together, but she says it's embarrassing. I want to do it in front of her as well but she thinks it's too private. How can she think this when we've lived together for more than 10 years? Am I being unreasonable? Should I just give up or keep trying?"

Answer: Imagine if there was something your wife wanted you to do, but you found the thought of it excruciatingly embarrassing. Let’s say she wanted you to do a striptease for her, yet you’d rather swallow broken glass than prance around in front of her removing your clothes. (If you actually think that’s a hot idea the analogy won’t work for you, but I’m sure you get my drift.) The essence of what I am saying here is that it’s very hard to do something sexual if you find it embarrassing. In fact, it’s hard to engage in anything sexual if you don’t find it a turn on.

You... read more


#283: Q&A: We Want to Try a Threesome - how do we do it safely?

Jacqueline Hellyer - Sunday, February 16, 2020



From my column in Body+Soul

Question: I’ve been with my girlfriend for 3 years and we are really happy. Our sex life is fun and experimental, but up until this point monogamous. We’ve shared fantasies about bringing a man (and woman) into bed with us during sex. That’s great, but I think the real thing could be even better. She’s keen but worried about getting jealous. What are some ground rules for a good threesome so that everyone’s happy?


Answer: The thought of a threesome can be very titillating. The prospect of turning that fantasy into a reality though, can be fraught, so you need to be prepared. It’s like any activity that is potentially both thrilling and dangerous – like sky-diving for instance – preparation is key to enjoyment.

For a start, I want to clarify that you don’t need to turn a fantasy into a reality. It can do its job turning you on quite nicely safely in the confines of your mind. Or take it one step further and spice up your sex life by sharing the idea with your partner; telling each other fantasies can be erotically charged without needing to act them out. This is especially true when the fantasy is potentially as dangerous... read more


#277: Q&A: How Do I Flex My New Found Interest in Sex?

Jacqueline Hellyer - Sunday, December 22, 2019



From my column in Body+Soul


Question: "
I want to reinvent my sex life in 2020, really take it by the balls, so to speak. I’m married and in my mid 30s. My husband is a good lover but until recently I’ve been quite conservative in the bedroom, so it’s not like I've asked much of him! We don’t have kids yet and I’d love to get a bit wild with him before that all happens. This new desire started when we discovered a fantastic vibrator that gave me firework orgasms, and now I’m thinking about what else I’m missing out on. How do I flex my newfound interest in sex?"


Answer: Congratulations on starting to wake up to your sexuality! Sex is playtime for adults, and you’ve started playing!

So, how to flex this newfound interest? The first thing is to find out what you both like. Create a congenial environment for sharing, chilling out on the back verandah with a glass of wine, or over a romantic dinner out. Then broach the topic by asking questions like:
  • what’s the best thing we’ve ever done?
  • what’s something you’d do if you had no inhibitions?
  • what do you fantasize about?
  • how do you like to... read more


#275: Q&A: Fun in the Sun - How to Have Safe Holiday Sex

Jacqueline Hellyer - Sunday, December 08, 2019



From my column in Body+Soul

Question:
"I’m single for the first time in 10 years. I’m over the heartbreak, and now I’m ready to have some fun – specifically, some fun on holiday. I’m going with some other single friends to a resort in Bali this summer. But I’m also prone to UTIs in summer, and I’m desperate to make sure that doesn’t happen on holiday and ruin my good time. What can I do to protect myself? And what are the other golden rules for healthy holiday sex?"


Answer: Singles fun in the sun in Bali sounds like a good way to move forward now you’re over the heartbreak. It’s good that you’ve waited, as too many people try to mend a broken heart by distracting themselves with new people, but you don’t necessarily make good choices in that state. It’s much better to take the time to get over the grief, anger and other negative emotions you inevitably go through at the end of a relationship. Rebound encounters, whether relationships or flings, are rarely based on clear emotions and made with clean choices.

So, now that you’re in a good place – it’s time to meet people and have fun! Before I focus on the UTI issue,... read more


#259: Expanding Your Sexual Play Pt 2: How

Jacqueline Hellyer - Sunday, June 23, 2019



There are two fundamental parts to expanding your sexual play:

  • it’s got to be REAL, that is, it has to be what you truly want, and
  • it’s got to be CONSENSUAL, you both have to want it.
Too many people do what they think they ‘should’ do even though they don’t really want to; or they don’t do what they think they ‘shouldn’t’ do even though they do want to.

I say, as long as it’s between adults who both (or all) agree to it, then it’s fine.

There is a separate issue of when sex or particular aspects of sex become compulsive and interfere with life, that’s not good. If you’re confused, the barometer is: is this life-enhancing, does this make me feel good and empowered and add to the quality of my life (and the same for your partner)? If the answer is yes, then go for it.

Now, as we’ve seen in my last article, there is a veritable smorgasbord of sexual delights out there. You don’t have to try them all. You don’t even have to try any of them if celibacy is your thing. It’s like food, we’ve all got our own tastes. Personally, I... read more


#258: Expanding Your Sexual Play Pt 1: What

Jacqueline Hellyer - Sunday, June 09, 2019



There’s a veritable smorgasbord of sexual possibilities, so why limit yourself to meat and three vegetables (with vanilla ice-cream as a special treat!)? Well, if that's all you want, that's absolutely fine. There are no ‘shoulds’ in sex, the important thing is to find out what is real for you and honour that. So if you really like chops and potatoes, that’s fine. But if you’re curious about sushi or ravioli, then give it a go! And if you like it, then make it a regular part of your life.

Now, some people are firmly in the meat and three veg camp, and others have already have a good look at the whole menu and sampled widely. I’m talking to all of you in-between. Some of you might not even know what’s on the menu! Or where to find a menu! So this is particularly for you.

In this article I’m going to look at what’s on the menu. In the next one we’ll be looking at how you and your partner decide what you’d like - unlike food, with sexual play you both need to be trying the same thing, so you need to agree about what you're tasting...

When you read... read more



#250: Sexy Debriefing

Jacqueline Hellyer - Sunday, February 10, 2019



No, I’m not talking about getting your knickers off!

I’m talking about talking about your sex. That in itself can be sexy and extend the deliciousness of the sexual interaction. It’s also the only way you’re going to give each other quality feedback.

Now, if you have the kind of sex where you do it late at night when you’re both exhausted and he rolls off after his ejaculation and falls asleep immediately, then you’re not going to be able to debrief straight after. However, the more you move away from that three-course-meal approach to sex and more to a picnic approach the easier it will be to communicate during the love-making session, and be in a good space afterwards so that you can keep talking. In fact, you can’t do the picnic approach to sex without talking about it, it would be as limiting as a picnic without conversation (keeping in mind that of course there are times at both a picnic and sex where there’s no need to talk at all…)

When I say ‘debrief’, I don’t mean something heavy. Make it light and fun: What went well? What did you do differently? What could have been done a little differently? You... read more



#203: How to Have 'Dirty' Sex With Someone You Love

Jacqueline Hellyer - Sunday, July 30, 2017



This is an interesting one. I find a lot of people aren’t having anywhere near the kind of sex that would really turn them on, because they don’t feel they can have ‘that’ kind of sex, whatever ‘that kind of sex’ is, with their partner.

I’ve written elsewhere about pushing boundaries and how to expand your sexual play, so this is more about the step before - how to even consider having ‘dirty’ sex with your beloved.

What I mean by ‘dirty’ is whatever you want it to mean, whatever lies beyond your comfort zone of ‘acceptable’, whatever is wild, wicked, naughty, or add the adjective of your choice…

I find there are two things that can get in the way:

The Madonna-Whore Syndrome
A lot of it stems from the deeply rooted belief in our society that sex is ‘bad’. For so long sex was a necessary evil required for procreation, and could only be enacted under very limited strict guidelines - restrained, minimal, unemotional - otherwise it would be terribly sinful. Of course suppression leads to rebellious enactment, so people, or at least men, did have wild sex - but not with their wives, only with the ‘bad... read more


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