The LoveLife Blog: guidance on mindful, bodyful, soulful loving!

#99: Spice Alone Tastes Terrible...

Jacqueline Hellyer - Tuesday, July 08, 2014

you have to add it to something that’s already good.

I mean, put a teaspoon of saffron or chilli into your mouth, chew some cinnamon sticks or crunch on some dried juniper berries, and it will be a pretty unimpressive gustatory experience. It might even be nauseatingly awful.

Add those same spices to a curry, a stew, a cake, and it can transform the good into the exceptionally sublime.

It’s the same with sex.

If you’re wanting to spice up your sex life you need to make sure you’ve got a good solid sex life first.

No sex toy, lingerie or new position ever transformed a sex life that wasn’t solid to start with; and if you try some of the more extreme spicy versions of sex without excellent connection and brilliant communication then it could well turn traumatic.

So make sure you’ve got the basics first: make sure you’ve got the bonding happening, that beforeplay is an on-going never stopping part of life, and that your sexual connection is real and solid.

Then, and only then, can you check out the spice rack and start experimenting.

... read more

#79: Fetishes are Fine

Jacqueline Hellyer - Tuesday, August 06, 2013

Most of us have fetishes of some kind or another. If you’re lucky, they’re socially acceptable, and not even considered fetishes - such as if you’re a woman who gets turned on wearing lace knickers or stiletto shoes; but if your fetishes are not socially acceptable - such as if you’re a man who gets turned on wearing lace knickers or stiletto shoes, well, then you’ve got problems. For example, in our society in general:

  • Women are permitted to find wearing lacy knickers erotic, men are not.
  • If you’re a man who has a fetish for women’s breasts, you’re considered completely normal. If you’re a man who has a fetish for women’s feet, you’re considered abnormal. Simply because society considers breasts to be sexual parts of the body, but not feet. Feet lovers are considered to be deviant.
  • If you’re a woman who feels sexy in a tight silk dress, you’re normal. But if you’re a woman who feels sexy in a tight latex dress, you’re abnormal. Simply because society deems silk to be acceptable material for dresses, but not latex. Latex wearers are considered to be deviant.

  • If you find the sensation of a feather tickling your skin pleasurable, you’re normal; if... read more

#58: Positive Messages in 50 Shades of Grey

Jacqueline Hellyer - Monday, August 06, 2012

30 million copies of 50 Shades of Grey sold and counting..... Leaving commentators bemused: why so popular?.
It's obviously not high literature, but then again, it's not trying to be, it’s just a good romance.

But 30 million copies…

… there’s got to be something special…

Ignore the standard 'bodice ripper' elements - rich hero, innocent heroine, both stunningly beautiful main characters, exotic locales, etc - and you basically have a love story which has important elements that all couples can relate to.

I see three important, and appealing, themes:

1) Good Sex Requires Ongoing Negotiation

Couples need to negotiate their sexual relationship and be completely honest and open when pushing their boundaries. In the 50 Shades Trilogy, she's pushing her boundaries re BDSM and he's pushing his through allowing intimacy. It's scary for both of them, they have their freak-outs, but they keep working through with openness, honesty and respect.

Apply this to real life couples and you get the same thing: you have to keep talking about sex. Otherwise you get stuck in a sexual rut, never game to try anything new, assuming (or hoping) that your partner is happy with the status quo.

So whether it’s something as tame as trying... read more

#57: Playing with Pleasure and Pain

Jacqueline Hellyer - Tuesday, July 24, 2012

Playing along the borders of pleasure and pain can add delectable spice to your love life - although the thought of it can be pretty confusing and scary.

So let me explain.
We all have pain thresholds, and the area around that threshold can be exquisitely delightful - if approached in a safe and relaxed manner.

Sportspeople do it all the time: the runner’s high, the endorphin rush of lifting heavy weights repetitively - it’s one of the reasons people love sport and physical activity. I used to train intensively in the marital arts and would take a beating several times a week and would dish it out just as strongly. It was great!

This is all considered ‘normal’ behaviour. In fact, when sportspeople push themselves, they are lauded and praised. Yet those who do it sexually are often considered deviant.

Pushing the boundaries of pleasure and pain in physical activity only works if it’s done carefully. You have to warm up, you have to know your limits, you have to develop at your own pace, and those you’re playing with have to know and respect your limits too, as well as their own.

As a high level black belt I would train with... read more

#54: Three Good Reasons To Read Erotica

Jacqueline Hellyer - Monday, June 18, 2012

I've been doing a lot of media interviews lately where the topic of erotic literature comes up, due to the current success of Fifty Shades of Grey. I'm asked whether it's good for people's sex lives.

Absolutely! I reply.

This is for three reasons:

1. Turn Yourself On

Erotica is sexy, so reading it is a good way to get in the mood for sex. Whether you read it leading up to a delightful session of solo play, or perhaps in the bath before meeting your partner in your boudoir for some partnered love-making, it’s an excellent way to start warming yourself up.

2. Know Your Eroticism

What turns you on is a personal thing, we all like different things and there are no should or shouldn’ts when it comes to what you like (as long as it’s between consenting living adult humans). By reading erotica, especially short stories, you can discover what elements of eroticism do it for you. Some stories you’ll read and think: “Oh yes, I like that!” so you might want to explore that eroticism; others will be: “Oh no, that leaves me cold/turns me off” so you know you’re not interested in exploring that eroticism; and some will be: “Ooh, I’m not sure if I like that... read more

#53: Tantric Kink

Jacqueline Hellyer - Monday, May 28, 2012

I love Tantra and I love elements of kink.    The two combined are what I call Sensual Kink, and I don't think it gets much better than that. So with the current interest in kink that's been generated by the overwhelming popularity of the 50 Shades of Grey trilogy, I thought I might share my thoughts.

To me, Tantra and Kink are at one end of a spectrum; and the alcohol-fueled model of sex, along with porn and raunch culture, are at the other. The former are about depth and connection, resulting in ecstatic and altered states of consciousness; and the latter is about superficiality and a performance-style sexuality that has little if any positive outcome from what I can see.

I know my kinky side has been there since I was a five-year old getting turned on by a cartoon of Donald Duck pegging his nephews by their tails to a rotating clothes-line and spanking their bottoms as it turned. I didn’t even know what that feeling was, but it’s etched into my memory. You could also claim that my years of martial arts training, spending hour upon hour being belted into the floor and feeling elated from it, was a form of sadomasochism. But I didn’t truly discover my kinky side until I... read more

#51: How to Master the Art of Vaginal Stimulation

Jacqueline Hellyer - Monday, April 23, 2012

Once you’ve navigated your partner’s vagina and got to know the G, A and Ohh Spots a little better let’s look at how you can stimulate all those good spots for maximum effect.

 Before you get anywhere near her genitals though, make sure your partner is well and truly aroused and wanting your fingers to enter.

Remember, it’s about invitation not penetration!

The G-Spot:

Insert a finger, run it along the corrugated ridge that’s her urethral sponge until you get to the end, hook your finger on the edge and pull back towards her vaginal opening. A tickling type movement might be enough or you may need to be quite firm. Try it with one finger initially and then try it with two, either pulling with both fingers together, or waggling your fingers so they alternate stroking that point. You can also try rubbing around or stroking across the spot.

She may find the sensation unpleasant initially, with an urge to pee, in which case ask her to relax and have a sense of pushing out with her vaginal muscles. Build up to this though, try a few pulls then relax, a few more. Don’t expect her to love it in the first session, or even the first few sessions. It might even be that she’ll never... read more

#35: Phone Sex

Jacqueline Hellyer - Monday, July 11, 2011

When your lover is in absentia, it opens up wonderful possibilities for ‘distance sex’. With the range of technologies available these days, there’s no need to go celibate simply because your loved one’s not lying in bed next to you. In fact, absence can not only make the heart grow fonder, it can make the loins grow hotter!

So here are some pointers.

Keep it Real

Just because you’re talking sex with your lover, doesn’t mean you have to go all slutty and dirty like the paid phone sex girls - unless that’s your thing! If you think you have to be something other than who you really are, then you’re going to feel awkward and it’s not going to feel good for either of you. So be yourself - mostly…

Push it a Little

Having said that, this is your opportunity to play and fantasise. I’ve had clients make amazing strides forward in opening up to each other, by being playful in their phone/email/skype/text sex. You can start to push your comfort zones a little, because it’s safe, it’s just words!

Start Simple

If you’re wondering how to start, keep... read more

#14: Face the Darkness to Find the Light

Jacqueline Hellyer - Tuesday, July 27, 2010

To find the light you have to face the darkness. There is no light without darkness. The darkness is at the base, and our sexuality stems from the base.

So we have to face our sexuality and the darkness there. 

Otherwise we live in fear and the fear holds us in, keeps us small, keeps us tight. It prevents us from sharing our energy with others, with the world, with ourselves. 

That energy is a positive thing. That energy is our power, it’s our magnificence, it’s our light. We need to free it and let it flow. 

Then our light will shine and we will find the light, we will be the light.

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