The Love Life Blog

Sex advice, sex tips and relationship advice - 100s of articles containing real information and inspiration by leading sex and relationships expert and educator Jacqueline Hellyer.

The LoveLife Blog: guidance on mindful, bodyful, soulful loving!


#230: Sink In to Sync In

Jacqueline Hellyer - Sunday, April 15, 2018



It's Autumn, the “season of mists and mellow fruitfulness” to quote Keats - a time of ripening and reaching fulfillment. Mmm, doesn’t that sound so sexual!

It’s not an intense, fiery time of year though and I don’t advocate an overly intense approach to sex.

Too many people go too far too quick, rushing into it, without allowing the time for the ‘ripening’ in order to achieve real sexual fulfillment.

Truly awesome sex always takes connection, a 'sinking in' within oneself and with each other. It’s different from the rapid-fire approach to sexual excitation, which is the more “normal” mode in this society. With this sinking in comes a ‘syncing in’, where you can let go and really feel each other, really tune in - and for a while the two can indeed become 'one'.

This is so different to the performance approach so many people are trapped in, with each person in their head, wondering if they’re doing the 'right' thing or responding in the 'right' way, or thinking about something else entirely and wishing it was all over!

With sinking in to sync in, it’s not about the head, it’s about two bodies moving in... read more

#207: The Exquisiteness of a Relaxed Vagina

Jacqueline Hellyer - Sunday, August 27, 2017



When your vagina is relaxed and receptive it becomes the most amazingly sensitive organ, capable of experiencing subtle energies and generating beautifully exquisite sensations. Unfortunately, as the standard model of sex is for vigorous thrusting into the vagina, our vaginas tend to become “hardened” to subtlety.

Also, because of the focus on the clitoris, the vagina can get neglected. To the extent that some people feel that the clitoris is the only important sex organ for a woman and that the vagina is simply a vessel for the man’s penis to enjoy. So most of the attention goes on to the clitoris, with strong stimulation there to the point of orgasm, followed by intercourse until he comes. The clitoris is very wonderful, of course! But so is the vagina. I’d like you to reclaim your vagina as the wonderful, sensitive organ that it can be.

To do this, you need to approach intercourse slowly, tenderly and gently. You won’t awaken the subtle ecstasy with vigorous stimulation. So follow this general approach:
  • Make sure you are beautifully aroused: be in a lovely environment, take your time with non-genital connection (kissing, touch, hugging, eye gazing, etc.) to become aroused. You are aiming for a soft, warm arousal... read more

#202: Seven Benefits of Attending A LoveLife Couples Tantra Retreat

Jacqueline Hellyer - Sunday, July 23, 2017



 Taking a break together is always a good thing to do, helping you relax and rejuvenate and hopefully have some quality sexy time away from the stresses of everyday life.

 So why would you add a couples retreat to your time away? What are the benefits to you of going to one of my LoveLife Couples Retreats?

 Well, where do I start?! Feeling the love and connection in the group and seeing the couples blossom is an experience that’s hard to put into words.

 But I’ll try...

 1.  Learn the Tantric approach to sex, its physiological basis, and why it’s so important for modern lovers.
I love the way science is reaffirming ancient wisdom in so many ways, particularly when it comes to sex. The Tantric approach is essentially good sex - connected, erotic, intimate. It’s about slowing down so that you’re in the chill zone, as good sex is not possible if you’re stressed; it’s about ‘syncing in to sink in’ as you can’t have good sex if you’re not connected; and it’s about being mindful, as you can’t have good sex if you’re not present to the experience.

In the retreats I explain the theory and present the practices in a way that is appropriate for contemporary... read more

#199: Melting Moments

Jacqueline Hellyer - Sunday, July 02, 2017



There are many melting moments during quality sex.

Moments where there is a sense of melting:

  • melting into relaxation, 
  • melting into bliss,
  • melting away tension,
  • melting into your partner, 
  • pelvic melting, 
  • abdominal melting,
  • heart melting
  • throat melting
  • consciousness melting
Moments of melting leading to moments of rapture.

This is slow sex. Or at least, starting out slow sex.

There is the melting of desire, the yearning, the opening up and into the other.

There is the melting when the genitals join. A release and relaxation in the pelvis as the vagina and penis sit together, in embrace.

There is a softening, a melting of the heart.

The tension drains away with the union. From the face, the throat, the chest, the abdomen.

Eyes meet and melt together.

Lips meet and melt with tenderness: sensing, tasting, touching.

Hands touch skin, melt. Limbs join, entwine, melt.

The joining together leads to motion, rhythm, the dance of bodies together. Merging, melting. Intensity and subtlety creating unique interplays of movement, sensation, feeling. read more

#195: How To Live A Tantric Life

Jacqueline Hellyer - Saturday, April 01, 2017



Live ‘La Vida Tantrika’ - the Tantric life!

The Tantric approach sees joy and pleasure as essential to spirituality. It’s about harnessing the power of pleasure without attachment to that pleasure, desire without craving; finding the spiritual in all aspects of life, really living life to the full.

You know when you’re on track because you’ll feel a lightness, joy, ease (although it’s not always ‘easy’) - and a sense of alignment with your purpose.

To get there you need to let go of judgment and craving - these two biggies get in the way. You can’t be attached to ideas or desires.

Then you bring consciousness to every moment of life, living with gratitude, loving with open heart. It’s about appreciating the subtle, finding the ecstasy in the spaces in-between, as much as letting go to intensity and passion.

What’s this got to do with sex? Because sex is so important in life, until you bring it fully into your Vida Tantrika you’re not going to get anywhere spiritually. Having lower energies such as shame, guilt and craving attached to such a primary part of your self is inevitably going to hold you back.

I invite you take sex out... read more

#191: We Need Bliss

Jacqueline Hellyer - Saturday, February 25, 2017

 

Being a sex geek, I am both trained as a scientist yet explore areas more likely to be considered mystical - particularly in the area of sexual pleasure. I myself have ecstatic experiences and blissful states that are quite different and far more pleasurable than what is considered 'normal sex', and I have spoken with many people who also have them, and have helped many others discover these possibilities too.

I am not exaggerating when I say that 'normal' sex is to this type of sex what a fast food hamburger is to gourmet cooking (keeping in mind that sometimes a hamburger is just fine, and you don’t have to like fine food).

So the geek in me asks ‘why?’ Why do some people experience this and not others? What's happening?

Historically it’s clear that we suppressed sexuality in the West, particularly female sexuality, so when sexual liberation came in the 1970s there was a lot we didn't know about sexuality and it's potential.

Scientifically I feel that scientific interest in sex has been so focused on reproduction and disease that there has been very little focus on sexual pleasure, let alone sexual bliss and ecstasy. It’s still mired in the values of the past... read more

#189: So Much Love

Jacqueline Hellyer - Saturday, February 11, 2017


I love to create beautiful experiences for people, to take them on journeys where they discover the magnificence of their sexuality, the beauty of their eroticism - and a deep opening into love.

I’m back from running another couple's retreat in the Blue Mountains and once again I am awed by the love that is expressed in these retreats. I know I’m blessed to regularly be ‘bathed’ in this energy as it is such a rare thing to experience in our society, where intimacy is so secretive and the public expression of sexuality tends to be coarse.

When you get a group of people together and create a safe space for them to be expressive, in a classy, clothes-on type of way, it’s magic! Sensuality, connectedness, bliss, yumminess, all flow and merge into a superb melange that is essentially love.

Whether it’s a couples retreat where the participants are deepening the connection of their couple bubble; a women’s workshop where they are awakening to the beauty of their sexuality; or one of my regular Tantric Lounge gatherings where they take the plunge into a new discovery each time….it’s all about the love…

…and it’s so delicious!

... read more

#188: A High-Level Relationship is a High-Maintenance Relationship

Jacqueline Hellyer - Saturday, February 04, 2017



The clients and retreat participants I see tend to be pretty together type of people with a mature attitude to life and relating. So I don’t get too many couples who want to stay flat-lining or locked in conflict. They want to grow and develop as individuals and as a couple and have the best life they can.

There are three ways of having a long-term relationship, or four, as the second type manifests in two ways which might appear to be diametrically opposed but are actually versions of the same dynamic:


1) Flat-lining

This is when a couple play it safe. Too afraid to upset the other or too needy of validation from their partner, neither of them is game to be truly honest. Over time these relationships tend to become more and more limited and the couple grow ‘old’. Sometimes there is a power dynamic here, such as in the traditional patriarchal structure where the man had the power and the woman had to acquiesce. The key indicator here is that they want it to be ‘easy’ and ‘not rock the boat’.

2) Deadlock

These couples know they’re not happy and blame the other... read more

#187: Sex as Spiritual Practice

Jacqueline Hellyer - Saturday, January 21, 2017



I'm often asked about spiritual sex, and terms like 'Tantric Sex' are commonly googled requests that link to my website. I believe that to reach your sexual potential you've got to be open to the spiritual elements. So let's talk sex and spirituality.

'Bliss', 'ecstasy', 'connection', 'union', 'transcendence', losing self', 'merging with the universe.

What do you suppose I’m describing here?
a) A spiritual experience
b) A sexual experience
c) Both

The answer is (c). Not all sexual experiences are spiritual and not all spiritual experiences are sexual, but there is a strong connection, and when the two merge the sex is truly awesome.

For many of us in western culture this seems at odds, because we’re often brought up to believe that sexuality and spirituality are opposites, that one is base and ‘bad’ and the other is lofty and ‘good’, that to get to the spiritual we have to overcome the sexual.

So instead of embracing our sexuality, which is an intrinsic part of being human, we at best trivialise it and at worse deny it. Which means that instead of a whole healthy society we have one that is obsessed with superficial sexuality and full of people with dysfunctional... read more


#185: The Yin and Yang of Sex

Jacqueline Hellyer - Saturday, January 07, 2017



Feminine and masculine; dominant and submissive; active and receptive; spiritual and physical; hard and soft; intense and subtle; light and dark; slow and fast; quick and prolonged; peaks and valleys….

These are all elements of Yin and Yang, the coming together of equal, complementary opposites to make a united whole. They are also all elements of sexual potential.

The ancient Taoists of China understood this,  the sexual understandings and practices that have come from that period of time are about balance and equality which lead to ecstatic sexual experiences that are health-and life-enhancing.

The Tantrics of India had similar practices, which also seek to create balance and harmony. 

The West though, for the past few thousand years, has been dominated by masculine yang elements, which has led to a dysfunctionally dominant masculine and a dysfunctionally submissive feminine. This applied to the whole of society as much as to sex.

As I’ve explained before, with the social changes of the 1970’s, we got more apparent equality between the sexes, but we haven’t really strengthened the yin, the ‘feminine’ aspect, in society, and therefore in our sexuality. The whole approach to sex was, and is becoming, more and more yang - harder, faster, louder. Just look at porn... read more

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