I'm a little embarrassed to say this, but a couple of weeks ago I was in an emergency ward with a suspected heart attack. Yes, me, the supposed expert on chilling out, taking it slow, enjoying life and love....Oops!

So what happened? After all, I do regular yoga, meditation, relaxation...or do I?

Being attached to a machine that goes 'bing' for eight hours gives you a lot of time to reflect. It's kind of a forced meditation, especially as I was having trouble breathing and had to focus on my breath.

Well, the honest truth is that my regular self-care had become more than a little irregular. I hadn't been practising what I preach. I was proving that not doing what I advise to do does in fact result in a lack of peace and harmony.

This kind of work, where I'm constantly giving out nurturing and inspiring energy to people, plus having three children of my own, means that I have to keep filling up my love tank. So: physician heal thyself.

I share this so that you know that even we 'experts' struggle at times. In this era where there are so many things competing for our time, and where the truly important things in life tend to put aside in favour of the non-nurturing and the non-loving, it's so important that we each stay focused on what's important.

I often talk about how couples need to prioritise time for themselves, to fill up their mutual love tank. Before you can even get to that, you need to fill up your own self-love tank. It's like when the oxygen masks come down in the plane, you have to put your own on before you attend to anyone else, or else you'll be dead and no use to anyone.

For people with a stronger bent towards tending others, it can be hard to focus on yourself. "Who's got the time," you say, or "I'd feel guilty".

But if you don't, you either become a withered up drained shell of yourself, or you become harder and harder (and unhappier and unhappier) which leads to grumpy, bitter and twisted, and other nasty traits.

So, go through your life and start removing the irksome, the time-consuming, the draining, and prioritise the rejuvinating, the uplifting, the peace-inducing. And if you feel you 'can't', then book in for some sessions with me, so I can help make that a 'can'.

As for me, I have reinstated daily mediation and yoga, I have modified a lot of the ways I work, and I am writing this while on the tiny tropical island of Gili Air doing an eight-day rejuvenation retreat....

The love tanks are re-filling.

The good old-fashioned cuppa. What a wonderful space it creates for sharing and openness. People have been bonding over cups of tea for millennia.
 
 A cup of tea gives you a timeframe, something warm to hold, and a shared activity which creates your own ‘cone of silence’ in which to talk and share.
 
 That’s exactly the kind of space you need regularly in your relationship. A space where the two of you can relax and just ‘be’ together, with no agenda, no external pressures, just you and me, having a chat over a cup of tea. 

In that space you can open your hearts to each other. You can express your thoughts and ideas, feelings and emotions, and you can hear what your partner has to say.
 
 It’s a slow space, a gentle space, hopefully a judgement-free space. You can talk about nothing much at all, or you can talk about more deep and meaningful issues.
 
 You can share the small positives and negatives of the day; you can share the small kindnesses and the small neglects from your partner (remembering the 4:1 rule that communication in a healthy relationship has four positives to one negative); you can share the things that make you go ‘mmm’ and the things that make you go ‘ngh’.
 
 Importantly, you can remember that it’s this space, this ‘you-and-me’ space that attracted you so much in the early days, and so it’s creating this space in an on-going way that will keep you connected.
 
 It’s over the cup of tea that you can look at your partner and say: “Yes, I remember you…I like you…mmm…” 

"How can I ever trust him/her again?” 
 
 Client after client pleads this after discovering hurtful deceits by their beloved. What they are really asking is: "How can I ever be 100% sure that my partner won't ever do this again?"
 
 The honest answer is: you can't. In fact, you never could.
 
 You can never be absolutely sure that your partner will never ever be deceitful or hurt you in some way.
 
The very definition of ‘trust’ is ‘not knowing’. 

Trust is being OK with the not knowing. If you were 100% sure of something you wouldn’t need to ‘trust’. You don’t need to ‘trust’ that the sun will rise each morning; you just know it will. It’s only when you can't be sure, that trust comes in, trust must come in. We trust our partners to be honest and not deceive us due to the fact that we can’t be 100% sure that they won’t. Of course, that doesn't make it any easier when our partner is deceitful in some way. It hurts! But does that mean they are a terrible person, and you shouldn’t be with them? Maybe, but not necessarily. At the very least they’ve shown you that they are human, that they are fallible. They’ve shown you that like all of us, they are not perfect.
 
 So, the question you really need to ask is actually: “Can I be OK with the fact that my partner is not perfect and has hurt me?”
 
 It’s not an easy question, and the answer might well be a definite “No”.
 
 If the answer is “Yes”, or “Maybe” or “I’d like to be OK with it”, then you can jointly work to uncover what was behind the deceit and make changes to be able to move forward and avoid it happening again.
 
 In my experience, these hurts often occur because there is a lack of true honesty in the relationship, one or both partners is trying to be something they’re not, or putting up with something they increasingly can’t bear, but don't feel they can share with their partner.
 
 So, the healing comes with radical honesty. You need to learn to be completely honest about how you’re feeling and what’s going on for you, and you have to learn to be able to hear that from your partner without judgment.
 
 Ideally you learn this before a crisis sets in, but humans being human we often don’t realise there is a problem until something major happens. By working through this together, increasing the honesty and non-judgment on both partners’ sides, you grow as individuals and build maturity and resilience into your relationship.
 
 The greater the heartfelt openness and honesty there is in a relationship, the less likely there is a need for deceit, and the easier it is to trust, to be OK with the not knowing. 

 When things get tough, couples tend to either: 

• Separate, generally accompanied by bitter and twisted feelings or
• Put up with it and flat-line, living lives of quiet desperation.

It’s far better to go with option three: 

• Renegotiate your relationship.

Often when the relationship is not going smoothly, it’s because you’re trying to live by an out-dated ‘contract’. When you got together you had certain beliefs and expectations around your relationship. Chances are you didn’t even fully share those beliefs and expectations; you just assumed your partner would share them.
 
 Whether your beliefs and expectations at that time were mutual or not, over time your circumstances inevitably change, you change, and therefore the relationship needs to change. That original ‘contract’ needs to be updated.
 
 So often I see that people are trying to live by values and norms that simply don’t suit them any more (and possibly never did): people getting married for the wrong reasons, people absorbing the norms of the society around them without ever questioning whether they really agree with them or not, people assuming that marriage or a relationship means X-Y-Z.
 
 There’s nothing wrong with this, we generally do what we think is right at the time. But when we get to a point where we realise it is no longer right for us, then we need to speak up and do something about it.
 
 In the case of a relationship, that means we need to renegotiate. That requires communication, honesty, respect, and time.
 
 Ask yourself: 

• What do I need in this relationship now?
• What’s missing or lacking?
• How could that lack be filled?

Then share this with your partner. Put your cards on the table. Only then can you see what you’re working with, and negotiate something mutually beneficial, something mutually wonderful.
 
 The two keys to this process are to be honest, and to be open-minded. You need to be honest so you know what’s going on, and you need to be open-minded so that you can be creative and come up with good solutions. Your decisions about your life and your relationship must be what is right for you, as an individual and as a couple. Your decisions can’t be based on what was right for you years ago, or what your parents’ relationship was like, or what your community or culture claims is right, or anything really, other than what is right for you.
 
 This can take experimentation to find ways of being and relating that work. Look at your work life, your home life, your social life, your private time together, your private time alone - what type, how much, how long. When you look at your relationship, and your life, this thoroughly you’ll be amazed at what you’ve assumed, or taken for granted. It’s only when you really look at it in detail that you can start to mould and create something wonderful. 

One of the great blessings of my work is that I observe love. Whether it’s couples in private sessions or couples in workshops, I observe, and feel, the expression of their love and desire for each other. It’s not something we see often in this society, and it is a very beautiful, inspiring thing.
 
 I’ve written about two small case studies in my blogs this past month: You Can Make Love With A Kiss and Be Nice - It Works. Small, beautiful, examples of how when a couple come together with openness, honesty and respect, that is, with love, they can connect deeply and express their love physically, emotionally, even spiritually, with deep feeling and with gorgeous eroticism.
 
 I saw this over the past weekend in my women’s only retreat, Luscious Woman, in the Blue Mountains. It was the first retreat I’ve ever run, and it exceeded my expectations. It was, quite simply, beautiful. The beauty of the nature, the slowness of the pace, the space for personal reflection, allowed everyone to sink into themselves, to find the peace and strength as women to trust and open to their partners (which I hear they did on their return home...) 

In five weeks, I’ll be running my first ever LoveLife Couples Retreat in the same location. I'm now so much more excited about this, having seen what was possible with the women alone. Knowing how transformative the work with couples is in a consulting room or in a workshop, I can only imagine how much more wonderful it will be for the couples in a retreat environment.
 
 It will be a weekend of Tantric lusciousness. Let me share a little more of my plans for this retreat, to entice you to be part of it:
 
 The theme is The Art of Mindful Loving. For a start, as with all my work, it is completely classy and sleaze-free. There is no nudity, no actual sex, no need to share any more than you feel comfortable.
 
 It will be a small group, no more than seven couples, so I'll be able to give you plenty of focused attention. A wonderful colleague of mine will also be there as Assisting Therapist (and House Mother). My luscious partner will also be assisting and will run the men’s section when we do Secret Men’s and Women’s Business.
 
 We’ll start on Friday afternoon at 2pm and finish on Sunday afternoon at 5pm. (I’ve changed this timing from my earlier plans.) The retreat will be a series of two-hour sessions, with long breaks in-between for private time. You’ll have goodie bags and hampers of delicacies to take with you on the breaks. There will be gourmet food provided by the brilliant caterer who fed us at the women’s retreat. The accommodation is rustic and stylish, surrounded by the beauty of the bush (you might even see a quoll!).
 
 I am so looking forward to observing more loving couples, and I hope you’ll consider joining in as one of them! 

I’m a working mother of three, so life gets busy! When you live a life like mine, you have to focus on balance. I'm constantly struggling with my mad innate urges to completely over-commit and take on too much (well, it is all so interesting and so necessary!). I, like many women out there, may be a super woman, but I am not Superwoman, and I have limits. There has to be a balance. And that balance must be crafted. 

We often say we need to 'find a balance'. But you can't find a balance, where do you suppose you'll find it, in the kitchen cupboard, back behind the Tupperware? No, you can't find balance, you have to craft it. You must constantly be aware of the ebb and flow of life, stay in tune with your energies, and consciously craft an on-going state of balance.
 
 It's hard in our society which itself is so out of balance. The yang outweighs the yin; the masculine outweighs the feminine; the head outweighs the heart; the fiscal outweighs the ethical; work outweighs pleasure. The imbalances are everywhere.
 
 So first we need to find the balance within, to become centred. This develops through presence, mindfulness, and correct breathing. Not to mention good posture, diet, sleep, and exercise. Then we need to harmonize with those close to us. This develops through open and honest communication, removing judgment, letting go of attachment and expectations, opening yourself to the energies of others and flowing with them.
 
 This is what I teach in my workshops and retreats. While some 'technical' knowledge is helpful, when it comes to sex, intimacy, and relationships, it's much more about 'how' you do things rather than 'what' you do.
 
 It's much more about the 'being' than about the 'doing'.
 
 I run Women’s Workshops throughout the year. The Workshops are all about embodying your sexuality, feeling positive and confident about yourself as a woman and expressing that from the inside out. This too is about balance, about being centred and calm and confident and being able to flow with what's in you and what's between you. Knowing your yin and yang elements and being able to work with them to craft an empowered sexuality, a liberated sex life and a fulfilled life as a whole.
 
 This approach manifests in my Couples Retreats too. Again, it's all about coming from a centred place as individuals and coming together as equals, flowing with the complementarity of your yang and yin, masculine and feminine, commanding and receptive energies.
 
 Examine your life. Find the imbalances and make new and better choices so that you can embrace a new equilibrium.
 
 When you can do that, life, and sex, become truly awesome.

There are three important points to understand about conflict: 

1. Conflict is a perfectly normal part of a relationship. It’s impossible for two people to be so alike that they share exactly the same views and values and feelings as their partner. In fact, if there isn’t any conflict in your relationship, there’s something fishy going on: it could be that there’s a strong power play where one person’s view has precedence over the others, or maybe you’re simply avoiding issues so as to avoid ‘conflict’. 
2. Not all apparent conflict is actually a conflict. Sometimes it’s just like a drunk shadow-boxing in a bar - you don’t have to get involved. Just because your partner is flustered or even angry, it doesn’t mean you have to engage in a fight. So, if your partner says or does something that makes you feel you’ve got a conflict on your hands, check in with yourself first to determine whether you really do need to get involved. 
3. If it really is a conflict, a point of disagreement or misunderstanding between the two of you, this is not necessarily a bad thing. Difference is good, it can be a source of creative energy that can make your relationship better and more interesting. And it certainly doesn’t have to escalate into a fight.

So, how do we use difference creatively, rather than destructively?... 

Any interchange between people has a flow of energy. If you have opposing views and try to block the energy between you, you’ll either have a stalemate or the stronger person will win, neither of which is a good outcome. So, try not to block that energy by being stubborn or rigid. Be open to it and see where it takes you. Flow with it, but don’t be swept away. Accept the direction the discussion takes and explore it.
 
To be able to let the energies flow it’s important that you’re strong within yourself. The ancient Chinese text “The Art of War” states that the fiercest enemy is one who is not afraid to die. What this means in a modern context is that if you're not attached to an outcome, you can’t be hurt. If you’re fixed on a certain outcome, or if you’re fearful of a negative response, you’re vulnerable. But when you stay open to your partner’s opinions, you actually hear your partner. This keeps both of you calmer, so you can be flexible, and you’re much more likely to manage the interaction smoothly and have a satisfactory outcome.
 
 In practical terms, this means: 

1. Maintain an attitude of curiosity and openness.
2. Seek clarity of feelings, views and options. Aim for mutual understanding.
3. Stick to the point, avoid dragging in other issues or past events. Be concise and specific.
4. Avoid escalating the problem with criticism. Be honest but tactful.
5. Try to keep it light but not flippant or sarcastic, which can appear disrespectful.
6. Be willing to compromise. Don’t give in, but don’t be stubborn, co-create a happy medium. Remember that it’s more important to be happy than to be ‘right’. If you’re not ‘right’ it doesn’t mean you’re ‘wrong’. Your relationship is not a competition; you’re on the same team!

It's also important that you know your own anger style - what your buttons are, what sets you off. You need to know your “red flags” so you can be prepared if they arise. And keep in mind that your anger response might not necessarily be ranting and raving, it could be clamming up and refusing to discuss an issue, which is just as ineffective as yelling.
 
 And always be prepared to say you’re sorry. The genuine apology is a Noble Quality, and a major tool in a smooth life. 

Do you love unconditionally, or are there conditions to your love? You might have some romantic illusion that your love is pure, but really, it probably comes with a lot of strings attached. “I will love you if you love me” is the most obvious. Then there is: “I will love you if you are nice to me”, “I will love you if you share my values and beliefs”, “I will love you if you agree with me”, “I will love you if you validate me”.
 
 You might think you love the other person, but are there these requirements that come along with it? Do you really love the other person for who they are and who they’ve become over your time together? Or do you love your version of who you’d like them to be, or who you’ve convinced yourself they are? Do they need to fit some image of who you think or want your partner to be?
 
 What are these conditions based on? Generally, fear. The inability to validate yourself creates a need to have the other validate you, to make you feel ok about yourself and your own values, beliefs, and world view. 

This conditional loving commonly goes both ways. Both partners have entered into an unwritten agreement that they will validate the other so that their unit stands strong. Neither will risk upsetting the other by challenging their norm or challenging these unwritten conditions they’ve both ascribed to.
 
 Until things go pear-shaped. And the reality that they are both living in a fantasy world that they both adhered to becomes apparent. One or both becomes so miserable that they just can’t do it any longer. The pretence is too hard. They feel too stifled or too unappreciated, too used or too abused. This will present as some kind of crisis - a health breakdown, mental breakdown, an affair, a mid-life crisis, a major change in behaviour, a complete withdrawal, walking out on the relationship seemingly out of nowhere…
 
 When this happens you have three choices:
 
 1. Separate and take your dysfunctions out into a new relationship, feeling bitter and twisted about the one you just left;
 
 2. Stay in the relationship and flat-line, not addressing the issues, covering them up and pretending everything’s ok (until the next crisis emerges);
 
 3. Learn to self-validate.
 
 Most people choose the first two options. They are the easier ones.
 
 I recommend the third. It’s hard though, hence the benefit in having someone like me help you with it. To start, you must be able to examine yourself so openly and honestly that you can know and accept your flaws, and your strengths, and know that your world view is simply that, yours. The next is to be able to accept the reality of your partner in their entirety, warts and all. That requires open, honest and real communication. Genuine sharing - and this is the most important point of all - without needing them to validate you. That means you don’t get defensive, you don’t tell them they’re wrong, you listen and feel and accept with a completely open heart. Don’t get me wrong, this is not easy. But it’s the only way that two people can be real with each other and thereby grow as individuals and as a couple. No defences, genuine meeting.
 
 If in doing this you realise that the other person is not for you, or you’re not for them, then fine, you end the relationship with maturity and love and walk away as a whole person, not one desperately seeking validation elsewhere.
 
 This is the beauty of relationship. David Schnarch calls it ‘the sexual crucible’, it’s how relationship allows you to grow, if you let it, if you’re willing to do the work.
 
 Otherwise, be bitter, or flat-line. It’s your choice. It’s all your choice, once you realise it’s your choice. You don’t have to bind another to you with conditional love, and you don’t have to be bound by it.
 
 You can both love unconditionally. You can both be free. If you're brave enough.
 
 And need I say, sex within an unconditionally loving relationship is far far better as you can both let yourselves go with realness and genuine passion. 

There is nothing more fundamental to a good relationship, and therefore to a good sex life, than communication.
 
 It is absolutely, categorically, completely, and utterly vital.
 
 It would be nice to think that after years together you might have developed an “unspoken understanding” but don’t count on it. The number of times I’ve heard clients complain about their partners, and when I ask: “Have you told them?”, the answer is along the lines of: “No/There’s no point/They should know” and so forth.
 
 Unfortunately, it’s a sad fact but true - humans are not mind readers. You do have to speak to each other. And that also means listening to each other. And clarifying that this speaking and listening has in fact resulted in mutual understanding.
 
 Communication is an art.
 
 So practice. 

Speak 
 
 Because humans aren’t mind readers, we do have to speak to each other to communicate what we feel and want. Of course, body language and gesture are elements of communication too. But it’s the faculty of speech that has enabled us to come down out of the trees and become such a successful species. It was speech that enabled early humans to cooperate and progress. It’s still just as important in modern society, particularly in the most fundamental human grouping of all, the family.
 
 You can’t just “expect” your partner to know what you want. Even if you think they should (that dreadful word again). Just because something is blindingly obvious to you, doesn’t mean it’s blindingly obvious to your partner. You can’t assume anything. You have to speak so you are both clear about what’s going on. Whether it’s logistical matters or something more emotional, you must speak. Silence does not achieve anything.
 
 But neither does nastiness. You do want your partner to listen to what you say, and they’re not going to if you’re sarcastic and condescending, if you appear to be blaming them, or if are judging them and finding them wanting. At best they’ll just tune out and ignore you; at worst they will become defensive, and once the listener becomes defensive, you’ve lost them. You might even have a full-scale fight on your hands.
 
 It doesn’t matter how correct or right your content is, if it’s presented in a negative tone, your partner will respond to the tone rather than the content. And that is not going to get you the result you want.
 
 You have to speak respectfully to each other. I don’t mean formally, I simply mean: appreciating the other person’s point of view, respecting that none of us is perfect, that we may not be making ourselves clear despite our best intentions, and that the listener is not ‘wrong’. Speak clearly, factually, and honestly. And keep it light, practice using humor to get your point across. Gentle, light-hearted ribbing is much more effective than outright criticism: 

“Darling, I appreciate the fact that you admire me so much you think I can read your mind, but I am a mere mortal, and really need you to write it down if we’ve run out of mustard.” 

This, said with a smile, not with sarcasm, is much more effective than: 

“How the hell am I supposed to know we’ve run out of mustard if you don’t tell me!” 

 What you say is one part of the communication process, and of course it’s a very important part. But it’s what they understand that counts. So even if you think you have been clear and succinct and got your message across well, you still have to make sure your partner understands what you’re saying. So much misunderstanding occurs when one person thinks they understand what the other is saying but doesn’t. And then blame starts happening - “I told you …” and “No, you didn’t, you said …”, “No I didn’t, you weren’t listening…”, etc., etc.
 
 Well, chances are you did say, and your partner was listening, but for whatever reason, mutual understanding didn’t occur. So, check to make sure.
 
Listen 
 
 Listening is obviously just as important as speaking, and the skill is similar. Listen without judgment, with respect for the other person’s feelings and opinions.
 
 And if your partner is bringing up something about you, make sure you don’t immediately become defensive. If there’s something that’s troubling your partner, listen carefully and objectively, even if their trouble is you, so that you can understand their issue and that way do something about it.
 
 And even if they’re not doing a very good job of communicating, if they do seem to be blaming you, or if they’re being cutting and sarcastic, there’s no need for you to take it personally (hard as that may be). Do try to stay calm and objective so that you can get to the heart of the issue, rather than letting it get emotional and escalate out of hand.
 
 Sometimes your partner will just want to let off a bit of steam, to express how they’re feeling. You don’t necessarily have to solve the problem; sometimes just sympathetic listening is enough. But if a solution is required, then work towards it.
 
 And be sure that you have understood what they’re saying by repeating back what you think they’re conveying. Don’t assume you understand what they’re saying even if you’ve listened well. Some things are difficult to convey, and some people just aren’t very good at expressing themselves. 

So, practice practice practice your communication.