How do you know when you’re having good sex? When there are no negative feelings and emotions associated with it. That is, when it comes from, feels like and results in positive states.

There are so many negative emotions associated with sex – shame, guilt, fear, obligation, disgust, entitlement, boredom, as well as negative physical sensations of pain and discomfort. None of these make for good sex. So, ask yourself:

What’s driving you? 

If you feel obliged to do it to keep your partner happy, it’s not good sex.

If you feel an expectation that you should have sex, it’s not good sex.

If you feel entitled to sex regardless of where your partner’s at, it’s not good sex.

How does it feel when you’re doing it?

If it’s painful or uncomfortable, it’s not good sex.

If it’s boring, it’s not good sex.

If you wish it would end, it’s not good sex.

If you feel you have to hit certain KPIs, it’s not good sex.

If you’re doing what your partner wants not what you want, it’s not good sex

If you were enjoying it, but now you’re not and you don’t stop, it’s not good sex.

How does it feel afterwards?

If you feel shame, it’s not good sex.

If you feel disgust, it’s not good sex.

If you feel relief it’s over (and you won’t have to do it again for a while), it’s not good sex.

Well, that all sounds pretty negative! So when is it good?

It’s good sex when you are engaging because you truly want to, it’s mutual, it’s pleasurable, it’s connected, you’re engaging in a way that you feel good moment by moment, and it leaves you feeling that your life has been enhanced for the doing of it.

It’s the same with more specific desires. What’s driving them?

For example, say a man wants to watch his wife having sex with another man. Is this coming from an internalised shame that he doesn’t deserve a woman like her? Or is it coming from the fact that watching her as a third person gives him a different perspective that adds to the sexiness and his pleasure? If it’s the first there are unresolved negative emotions driving the desire, and if it’s the second then the desire is coming from a positive place.

To take another example, say a woman wants to be submissive sexually. Is this because she is too ashamed to express her desires and wants her partner to be in control so she doesn’t have to say anything? Or is it because being submissive enhances her eroticism and pleasure (and she’s discussed this with her partner in great detail previously)? If it’s the former it’s coming from a negative state and if it’s the latter then it’s positive.

One more example, say someone is diligently attempting to give their partner an orgasm, but it’s not happening. Are they persevering because they feel they’ll have ‘failed’ if their partner doesn’t have an orgasm? Or are they persevering because they are enjoying the experience of pleasuring their partner regardless of the outcome (and knowing their partner will let them know either way)? If it’s the former it’s coming from a negative expectation and if it’s the latter it’s positive.

So you can see that it’s not about specific behaviours being good or bad, it’s what driving them. Pretty well anything is ok (assuming it’s sane and legal) if it’s engaged in with self-awareness and open sharing with your partner.

Pay attention to what you’re feeling before during and after, you’ll learn so much about yourself. Share with each other, support each other, and you’ll find that you’ll clear negativity associated with your sexuality. And of course, if you’re finding it challenging, see a professional like me to help shine a light and gain clarity!

Consent is of course essential to quality sex. I think we all agree on that in the year 2021. But generally, that’s considered a ‘yes’ at the start of a linear process that once started has to go through all the steps, right to the end, meeting all the expected KPI’s along the way. That’s what the ‘yes’ has agreed to.

But what if you don’t want to go through the linear process? What if you don’t know yet if you want step 2 or 3 or 4 or whatever your script is? Or even if you thought you might, what if you change your mind along the way and want to do something different or stop altogether? In the standard model of sex it’s too late, you’ve already said ‘yes’, you’ve already given consent.

Or conversely, if you think your consent is saying yes to the whole process and you don’t know yet if you want to go to the later steps, then you might say ‘no’ up-front. Which is rather like saying ‘no’ to a meal because you don’t know if you’ll want dessert yet.

In the non-linear approach to sex that I advocate, consent is a moment-by-moment experience. What am I feeling and wanting in this moment? Then, what am I feeling and wanting in this moment? Then, what am I feeling and wanting in this moment? Throughout the whole experience.

Having this conscious, mindful awareness of where you’re at, and communicating it with each other (checking in verbally if you’re not sure) means that you break free of the limited linear scripts that most people fall into. Instead you open yourself up to a co-created process of authentic self-expression. That way the sexual encounter can be as simple as a kiss and a cuddle, all the way through to potentially hours of varied love-making.

What’s important is what you are feeling in the moment and expressing that. In this way a sexual act evolves, it unfolds moment-by-moment. Each sexual encounter becomes unique, meeting your needs and desires at all points along the way, creating an experience of mutuality, connection, pleasure and satisfaction.

Communication is so fundamental to co-creating a great life together. Whether it’s as simple as agreeing on what you’re going to have for dinner, through to big topics like how you manage your finances, every aspect of relating needs good communication. This is never more important than when it comes to sex, but…talking about sex is one of the hardest things for a couple to do.

Why is this? Well, some people think you shouldn’t have to talk about sex, it “should just come naturally”; some people only talk about sex when there’s a problem so when they do it’s heavy and negative; and a lot of people are simply too shy. Yet without talking about it, it’s not going to be good. Imagine if you didn’t talk about what you wanted to eat, or where you wanted to go on holidays, how you raise the kids – how good, or more likely bad, would your life together be?

So, let’s take a look at the three types of sexual communication you need to have a great love life.

Chit-Chat

Chit-chat is talking about sex in general. As I described in another blog article, you need to treat your love life like a mutual hobby – something you do for pleasure in your leisure time – and discuss it as openly and positively as you would a mutual hobby. So you converse about sex – your hopes, dreams, desires, fears, concerns. How you’re feeling about your sex life, what you might like, any interesting ideas you might have. You can talk about your own sex life or sex in general. I’ve had couples tell me they read one of my blogs or listen to a podcast as inspiration for a good conversation about sex and intimacy.

It’s in these general chats about sex, outside of the act itself, that you can have deeper conversation and gain more understanding of each other’s sexuality, as well as your own. I had some clients just the other day who’d been talking about threesomes together, never thinking that they would ever actually have one – then found themselves not long after taking an unexpected opportunity to engage in one! They said that if they hadn’t talked about it earlier, they wouldn’t have taken the plunge and it certainly wouldn’t have been the enjoyable experience that it was.

It’s not just about pushing your boundaries though, it can be about anything that could enhance your lovelife – redecorating the bedroom, dealing with kids’ bedtimes better, helping each other feel more comfortable with sex in general. There are a lot of elements that go into make a great sex life and the more aware of them you are, the better it will be.

In the Moment

This is how you communicate during a sexual encounter. It’s how you let each other know where you’re at and what you are wanting and experiencing. Obviously, this is very different to chit chat! It’s not lengthy conversation, this type of communication doesn’t even have to be verbal. Sounds and moans and groans convey a lot of information, so let yourself express in this way (making sounds can increase the pleasure too, depending on what you’re doing).

It is good to be able to verbalise some of the time though, such as to give feedback: “slower” “faster” “to the left” “to the right” “just gotta move a touch” “mmm, that’s good” “oh god oh god oh god” “I’m feeling pretty sated now” and so forth. Words are also useful for checking in with your partner (preferably said in sultry sexy voice): “so…how’s this?” “would you like more?” “how about we…?” “could you/I…”

And you can communicate in the moment with signals: you can guide your partner’s hands to where you want or don’t want them; you can guide your partner’s body in various ways; you can use gentle taps on their body to indicate increasing or decreasing intensity. Of course, you need to verbally communicate what these physical signs could be and mean during your chit chats and not just try and guess during the act itself!

The Debrief

And then there’s the debrief, a gentle sharing of how you found the experience once it’s over. It’s such a good time to communicate about sex. You’re lying in the afterglow, feeling all loved-up and connected, so it’s a great time to reflect in a soft snuggly way about how you found it and what you liked, what you might have done that was a different or what you considered doing even if you didn’t, before drifting off to sleep or getting up to continue the day.

So, improve your communication skills in these three ways and co-create a great sex life that lasts your whole life long!

I am a big fan of lazy sex. Hey, I’m a busy woman and ‘lazy’ is often the most I can manage. But lazy doesn’t have to mean boring. Let me share with you the simple pleasures of lazy sex….

I often find clients say they don’t have the energy for sex, as if it’s a given that sex needs to be energetic. It doesn’t. We’ve all been misled that way because sex scenes in movies tend to be passionate and fast, porn certainly doesn’t show lazy sex – how boring would that be to watch! And if we think back to when we were young, yes, it probably was more intense.

If you think about other pleasures in life though – food, music, walking in nature, conversing with friends – we don’t assume they have to be intense and passionate. So why should sex?

Of course, it can be, there’s nothing wrong with a good intense shag with lots of varied activities along the way. If you have the time and energy and you’re both in the mood for that, great, go for it. But if you’re not, rather than missing out on pleasure and connection, take a different approach.

I remember a client I had once who said that she liked sex, but rarely did it as she didn’t have the energy for “all the foreplay”. I asked if she felt she needed the foreplay to be ready for intercourse and she said no, as long as they’d cuddled and kissed she was ready. So, I said – well, do that then. She looked at me really puzzled: “Can I?” she asked. “Yes, of course,” I assured her. “But I thought you had to do all that oral sex and stuff first and often I just can’t be bothered…”

As I say over and over again – sex is whatever feels right at the time. There are no rules, as long as it’s what you both want in the moment.

So, if you haven’t got a lot of energy, but you want intimate connection, then do it the lazy way! 

For a start, if one of you has more energy than the other, then the more energetic partner can be more active while the less energetic one is more passive. I recall when my third child was born, I was exhausted by night-time! So sometimes I’d just lie there while my then husband admired my naked form and masturbated. If I had the energy I might have tickled his balls, but that was about it. It was probably the least ‘exciting’ sex of my life, but it was connecting and got us through a period when that was the most we could manage.

The point here is that sex doesn’t have to be tit-for-tat. If one goes down on the other for 4.8 minutes, it doesn’t mean the other has to then go down for 4.8 minutes. It’s what each of you wants and needs – and is capable of.

Or, if you are both tired, go for lazy positions. Spoon position is the classic lazy position, where you are both on your sides. With a slow in and out while snuggling in close – it’s brilliant for connection and gentle pleasure. Remember, you don’t have to orgasm if you don’t want to, sometimes that’s too much effort, just having the vagina cuddle the penis can feel great. In fact, a beautiful Tantric sex practice is ‘plugging in’ where you do just lie with genitals joined and simply feel into it without moving. It’s a lovely way to start the day.

That’s if you even want intercourse. Simply lying naked skin-on-skin is comforting and intimate. As I like to stress, making love is not a euphemism for sex, you can make love in all sorts of ways without joining genitals, including very slow, soft, tender, barely-there ways. And if you adopt the non-linear approach I advocate, where whatever happens happens, without expectation that it has go somewhere or meet KPIs, then you really can just cuddle naked, or give each other sensual touch, or tell a story, or gaze into each other’s eyes, or have long lingering luscious kisses…and that’s all. Because it’s all making love. And often the simple and tender is even more rich in feeling than the shagadelic approach.

Try it. I’m sure you’ll like it.

Download Audio: Lazy sex

Men can have a bit of a jack-hammer approach to thrusting, lots of tension and tightness, which can be ok if you’re focusing on friction to gain arousal rather than feeling. To move into deeper, more connected love-making you’ll need to master a broader repertoire of thrusts.

It's not just the men though. Intercourse is not simply a man thrusting into a passive partner. She needs to be engaged in her pelvis and moving with the motion too. Ideally you're moving in a harmonic unison. So these points, while directed to men, apply to the woman too. (And apologies for being so heterocentric, it applies whenever there is a penis or phallic object moving in and out of a partner.)

Important Point #1: Relax your hips

Keep your pelvic area relaxed, hips, buttocks, belly. You’ll feel more, you’ll have more control over your movements, you’ll be more sensitive to how your partner's body is responding, and you’ll move more freely and smoothly.

Important Point #2: Focus on the Out as much as the In

Rather than focusing on the in-in-in-in, which gives a jerky intense feel to the thrust, focus on the out as much as the in. This gives a more sensual flowing feel to the thrust.

It also means that rather than your partner bracing herself against the constant influx of thrusts, she too gets into a flowing rhythm of welcoming in the thrust, engaging with it and then releasing with the outward movement. It keeps a dynamic of wanting and receiving going that maintains high states of arousal for long periods of time.

Important Point #3: Vary the Rhythm

Think of your thrusting like music – you don’t want it to be constant intense thrash metal! Nor do you want it to be a constant lead-up to a grand crescendo. Like good music, a good session of love-making will be varied, periods of intensity interspersed with gentler movements.

Important Point #4: Vary the Stroke

It’s not all deep thrusting in and out. Sometimes you’ll just thrust shallowly with the head of your penis at the entry of her vagina. Sometimes you’ll be all the way in and thrust shallowly, only moving a little. Sometimes you’ll intersperse shallow thrusts with deep thrusts – try a rhythm five shallow to one deep. Sometimes you’ll thrust slowly in bit by bit, deeper and deeper. Sometimes you might want to thrust more to the sides than straight in, or you might try circles or more of a grinding effect.

Important Point #5: Bang with your Body not your Penis

To give the sense of banging hard, which can feel really good for the woman if she’s in the mood for it, rather than poking hard with your penis, swing in with your hips with your body weight behind it. When done well (and check in with her to know this) this will give a wave of pleasure throughout her body.

Important Point #5: Manage Your Arousal

When you master the art of the thrust you can last for ages. The relaxed swing of the thrust allows you to manage your arousal levels, keeping you at a heightened state without tipping over into ejaculation. If you feel yourself getting too close to the edge, change the nature of the thrust, slowing down, moving less, pausing, changing position.

Thrusting in this way feels great for a woman and gives her the necessary stimulation to be able to enter into heightened states of arousal herself, having waves of orgasms that flood her whole body.

It’s an art worth mastering!

There are so many different ways to eat – all the way from a quick snack through to a fancy multi-course dinner. It’s the same with sex, which is why I use so many food analogies when I’m talking about sex.

I was doing this with a couple of clients recently. They’re a really fun-loving couple, upbeat and lively in most parts of life – but not the bedroom. Instead of the lightness that was in the rest of their connection, bedroom matters had become heavy and hard, and pretty non-existent. After several sessions of helping them identify and share their feelings and desires around sex, with loads of food analogies along the way, they came in to session with big smiles on their faces.

“We had sex three times!” the wife exclaimed. “We had roast dinner…” “And some cheese on toast…” added the husband, “And even an open sandwich!” finished the wife.

They’d really taken on board the food analogy concept and were using it not only to help with their sexual communication, but to make it fun as well. One evening she’d had a lovely time on her own relaxing and getting in the mood for some loving, then texted him to invite him up to the bedroom for “roast dinner” – a long, involved and by all accounts very enjoyable sexual encounter. Another time he suggested some “cheese on toast” during their lunchbreak (the benefits of both working from home during the pandemic!). And on the third occasion she’d suggested a quick ‘cheese on toast’ before they got up in the morning. He responded by pulling her on top of him and saying he’d prefer ‘an open sandwich’ – her on top!

That was such a good story I asked if I could share it with my readers and they said of course. So here you go, maybe it will inspire you in your own ‘culinary’ exploits…

Download Audio: So Many Ways to Eat, So Many Ways to ...

Take a group of couples who love each other, put them in a beautiful environment with no distractions, teach them to connect more deeply, inspire them to explore and play, and what do you get…?

Well, as one man who attended one of my couples retreats put it:

"I thought this retreat would expand our sex life, but it didn’t so much expand as turn our sex life upside down! I’m now seeing the world with a new, exciting, slightly bewildering light.”

It’s hard to explain that to someone before they’ve experienced it. “What do you do?” people ask me. My answer could indeed be: “I turn people’s sex lives upside down.”

You see, when you are able to be very present in your body you can connect more deeply with your partner, you can become more intuitive in your relating, and you open to subtlety of sensation and the calm, full, ecstatic feelings that engenders - and that means more connection, more feeling, and more fun!

In the retreats I teach centredness, presence and mindfulness as the basis, then from there we explore the concepts of connection, energy and sensation - and voila! The combination opens people up to experiences that are so much more than the standard genital friction we consider sex in mainstream thought. As I always say, there’s nothing wrong with a good bit of genital friction, the point is that there is so much more.

People are always coming to me saying “there’s got to be more to this sex thing”, their routine sex just isn’t doing it for them, and they’re not getting much inspiration from what tends to be superficial, sleazy portrayal of ‘good sex’ that’s out there. Most people I encounter have either been turned off or have tried it and come away emptier.

Another man at a retreat put it well:

“We were looking for something, but we didn’t know what it was. Now we do. It’s an intriguing, intangible thing and we’ve found it. Thank-you."

That’s what I do: I turn sex lives upside-down, inside-out and open them up to the wondrous possibilities that is human sexual potential.



Come and experience this for yourselves at one of my wonderful Couples Retreats: three days in the Blue Moutains near Sydney or five days in Bali!

How do you describe the act of intercourse? Do you call it ‘penetrative sex’? If you do, which wouldn’t be surprising as it’s such a common term, have you ever thought about what the word actually means and symbolises?

Penetration means ‘breaking through resistance’. Which might have applied to sex in the bad old days when a wife was supposed to just submit to her husband whether she wanted to or not, so it may well have been an act of breaking through resistance. But now, in 2020, do we really want to think of sex as an aggressive act?

Worse still, the term ‘penetrative sex’ gives agency to the ‘penetrator’ - the man - who does it to a resistant, or at least passive, recipient – the woman.

Is this really the concept of intercourse we want to be perpetrating these days – that it’s something done to a woman by a man? Of course not, yet we still use the term.

Now you might say it’s just a word and it’s not meant in that way. But words have power. Think of the difference between ‘penetrative sex’ and ‘invitational sex’ or ‘envelopment sex’. Don’t the last two terms feel softer, welcoming, and give equal or more agency to the woman. When you hear those terms, your body softens and opens, as opposed to the word penetration, which makes the body contract.

I’ve had women with vaginismus (a condition of tight pelvic muscles which prevent the penis, or even fingers or tampons, entering the vagina) recover simply by changing the language they use for sex. Rather than conceptualising it as something done to them, they realise that it is something they invite when they are ready and that the act is one of them enveloping and holding their partner’s penis with their vagina. They have agency. It sounds much more equal and so much more pleasurable that way. Their bodies relax and their faces open up with smiles of delight when they realise how their language has led to an attitude that is counterproductive to the experience they want, and how it can be changed so simply.

So, what else can we call it? Intercourse is a fairly dry term, but definitely useful in clinical and medical settings, I’d much rather we use that term in those situations, rather than ‘penetrative sex’. (I feel I’m on a one-woman crusade trying to change the language of my profession.) It’s a bit dry for personal use though, so what else do we have? Fucking, shagging, bonking are more casual, sometimes a bit crude depending on the mood. Making love is good, but sometimes too romantic…

I like to call it PIV: penis in vagina. So, I tell women, when you’re ready for some PIV, invite him in and give his penis a good cuddle with your vagina. Or as a participant in a recent couples retreat said – VEP: vagina enveloping penis.

Whether you prefer PIVving or VEPping, they are light-hearted neutral terms that lack the baggage of patriarchy and aren’t too soft and romantic or too direct and crude, and they say it like it is – two sets of genitals joining together.

So, are you in the mood for a bit of PIV? Do you fancy some VEPping tonight…?